Corporate Stoogery Volume 4: Dos and Donts of the Holiday Party

Hello cubicle dwellers and welcome to another installment of corporate stoogery. Since we have last spoke, times are indeed quite different. The economy has apparently shat itself leaving filth and excrement all over the place. Gone are raises, bonuses and holiday gift giving. Gone also are your savings and bank accounts. But don’t worry those CEOs are still making their millions and laying off idiots like you and I so they can keep their profit margins and eating those fine steaks.


Alas, times are indeed quite rough so keeping your current shitty job is of the utmost importance. Especially when companies are looking to rid themselves of you and your frivolous salary. One such instance is the office holiday party. For some the xmas holiday party is one big jerk off. For others it’s grounds to get fired. That’s why I’m here to help guide you on ways of the office holiday party so you can enjoy the same shitty hours and steady yet low paycheck for the next year. Granted this is probably late for all of you so if you got fired already, you can get your money back from Devo at straightupsports@gmail.com.


Do: Drink something. I mean look it’s going to probably be very akward. It’s not like you really like the people you work with anyway. So have a drink or two and atleast pretend you like these people.

Don’t: Drink too much unless of course your boss has left and its just you and the 20 somethings. That’s the only way this will be a fun party. Mahatma recommends to get fashionably drunk once all those Jersey/Westchesterites leave for their various buses.


Do: Eat something. Look that alcohol is good but you don’t want to be the guy/gal puking in the bathroom.

Don’t: Eat too much that you have dipping sauce on your shirt.


Do: Socialize with the office hottie

Don’t: hit on the office hottie unless she/he starts it.


Do: Talk to the clients if they come

Don’t: talk to them too much because really you will look like a big douche.


Do: Tell your coworker (if you like them that is) to stop dancing if he/she is looking like a walking cackle of orangutans.

Don’t: dance unless you are a good dancer. And most notably, you probably aren’t a good dance. Yea sure your friends said you were good but honestly, they are just being nice. Didn’t you see the Seinfeld? Yea don’t be like that.


Do: Say you and the office hottie got something going on by all means rock out

Don’t: do the same if your coworkers refer to this person as Shim.


Do: Eat something. That caterer is there for a reason and really drinking on an empty stomach is the smartest idea in the world.

Don’t: Eat too much that you spill that empanada dipping sauce all over your nice shirt/dress


Do: Meet your coworker’s family. Look you might as well. I’m sure they are nice people.

Don’t: hit on your bosses 18 yr old daughter/son or wife/husband. (unless well you can't do any better)


Do: Say something to your boss

Don’t: Do not have an excessive dialogue about the company's forward thinking strategy in this new age recession.


Do: talk to people

Don’t: talk to them about work. Seriously. Stop.


Happy holidays folks!

SUS Recyles the Best of 2008, MissMet Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

First up, MissMet takes us back to a more innocent time, when the weather was warm and the Mets were simply one-time chokers. Without further ado, from May 29, 2008:

MissMet On the Spot- Mets Turn the Season Around?

Last night, I went to the Mets game with some friends and we got a great show. At the start of the game, the team was 1-1 since the Big Meeting between Ownership and Management in regards to Willie Randolph's tenure with the organization. Tuesday night's win was solid. Santana pitched well and the team hit, getting help from the bullpen and the bench players. Let's not forget about those players that are now starting due to injuries galore aaand Carlos Delgado. With Ollie Perez on the mound, I was slightly pessimistic, due to his erratic throwing over his past few starts.

When we got to Shea (Katie and I weren't alone this time, so at least the Mets had that going for them), I noticed the starting line-up over the Will Call Windows. Normally, it features 'baseball cards' with the Mets that are starting in their batting order. Two of the cards were blank tonight and I was trying to figure out which newbies were taking over for the two injured outfielders. Turned out it was Nick Evans and Fernando Tatis, who just happened to be one of last night's heroes. Before meeting up with some other friends, Katie and I browsed the Mets Clubhouse Shop and found our fair share of awesomely cheesy items, but more on those later.

The game started off very well, with Rusty Staub pulling off the number 9 in the 59 to show that yes, there are only 58 (regular season) games left at Shea. Ollie got the (first place!) Marlins out in order in the 1st and then the Mets came out with some HOT BATS in the bottom of the inning. 2-0 after 1. Then, Ollie got them out 1-2-3 in the 2nd and it went through my mind- I will be present during not only the first Mets no-hitter, but a perfect game (honestly, this goes through my head when I leave my house in order to get to any Mets game, but getting the first 6 out only fuels this ridiculous fire). Either way, this didn't happen, because the first of many Marlins home runs was hit in the top of the 3rd. It was ok though, the Mets were winning and my friends were having fun. They enjoy baseball, but are not crazy like me. We were partaking in the songs and the cheers. We were eating the yummy ball park foods.

Then, the other shoe dropped. Ollie gave up his 3rd home run of the night and 2nd to some Marlin, whose name I don't even care about (oops, bitter) and the Mets were losing. After I became able to speak in words that weren't expletives, my friends tried to pep me up. 'There's still time' they said, 'this doesn't mean its over' they pleaded. They haven't really been through the trauma that Mets fans go through, so I was only half-believing them. I obviously felt there was glimmer of hope though, they all left after the 8th and I stayed. I mean, there was hardly any booing tonight. Aaron Heilman pitched 2 hitless innings. There seemed to be something special going on. Then Endy 'the catch' Chavez hit a game-tying home run in the 9th inning!! Amazing and awesome.

We were onto extra innings. After the 10th, I told myself that I'd stay through the 11th, no matter what. With the game still tied after 11, I bolted for the Southside Parking lot, so that I could at least hear the end. By the time I got to my car, the top of the 12th was over, and the Marlins were ahead again. Thankful that I missed that home run, I started my trek back to Jersey. I heard David Wright get a walk. I heard Carlos Beltran single while David was in motion, sending him to second. Along the Grand Central Parkway, I heard Damion Easley strike out. Then, across the Triboro Bridge, I heard Tatis double in the tying and winning runs. I let out a whoop as I got into the Bronx, but I also wished I was there. I've never seen a walk-off win in person, and I would have loved to last night.

All regrets aside, last night's win was fantastic. I don't think this team would have come back from being down twice in the 9th and the 12th 2 weeks ago. The whole team won the game, and the bullpen kicked ass.

As they play the Dodgers this weekend, let's hope the Mets take the hard work they've put into the series against the Marlins and run with it...

Awesomely Cheesiest Souvenirs at the Club House Shop
David Wright's picture surrounded by hearts on a necklace (also available in Jose Reyes)
'Diamond' studded NY on a Mets hat
Mets hat with flames
Any pink Mets paraphernalia
If I see anyone with any of these items, I will first be happy that they are Mets fans, but then laugh at their poor taste.

~MissMet

Festivus vs. Bad Santa, who ya got?

Refs be trippin yo!

Nice arm by the ref here, I have to say, but this is a getting a little crazy. Refs should be seen and not heard(like children and wives) until the play is over. Is it really that hard to get out of the way? The guy below apparently thinks so.

An honest question from an ignorant jew

Ok, so we in Western Civilization have a calendar that is based on the birth of Jesus, right? If that is the case, shouldn't Jesus' birthday be on January 1? One theory that has come to light: a jewish person I know said that he got circumsized on January 1 and that has something to do with it. And then my girl Julie said that Jesus was born in the summer, possibly sharing a July 4th birthday with George Steinbrenner and America. For what it's worth, I think she was confused: Jesus was born in summer-LIKE conditions, as the Middle East in December feels like Canada in August.

But more importantly, can someone please provide an explanation as to why January 1 isn't Christmas? Looking your way, Solo. Though if anyone else has an answer or a funny theory, please step forward.

Yinzer's Holiday Wishlist

Well it’s time for the end of the year holiday’s and that means one thing: presents. It doesn’t matter what holiday it is in what religion, be it Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, ChristmasHanaKwanzakah, or some other funky holiday, we get gifts. Me, I’m a fan of Festivus, because it’s for the rest of us.



We all have our lists, and when it comes to sports it’s no different. Now I know it’s tempting just to say “I want the championship” or “I want this team to fail” but that’s too easy. We’re going for more subtle things. So without further adieu, I present to you (in no particular order):

Yinzer’s Festivus List.


1) Bruce Arians Euthanized/A new Offensive Line for the Steelers
He’s been a coach journeyman for a reason. The man refuses to use plays that work and play to his players strength, instead keeps using plays that go nowhere repeatedly. All the last minute drives the Steelers score on to win have been called by Ben. Yet somehow the Steelers haven’t seen fit to let Ben just call the plays period. This man is an idiot, to the point he ranks up as “Euthanize” on my “Needs to Go” levels. I’d also like an offensive line that doesn’t let the QB get killed every two plays. Half of them are free agents, let them be free.


2) A wing for Sidney Crosby
Of course, Sid has asked for this for a few years too, and the last (and only) good one he had bolted in free agency. He’s stuck with guys who can barely finish and can’t create anything on their own. He can still dominate, but just imagine if he actually had good players to help him on a regular basis?


3) The Yankees to Sign Everyone
As it’s been well documented Yinzer hates baseball. As you’ve probably figured out, I also hate Boston teams, in particular because their fans are unbearable on nearly every level. And so the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and who is the enemy of the big spending, buy a championship Red $ox? The team they modeled themselves after: the Yankees. So if the Yankees buying up any free agent with a name pisses off the $ox fans, then so be it.


4)The Media to finally say Belichick isn’t good at coaching, just good at cheating.
Yeah, no real explanation needed here. I mean if a guy who hasn’t played since high school can step into the NFL and succeed as well as one of the “greatest QB’s ever “ doesn’t scream “cheat” I don't know what else does.


5) Tiger Woods to admit he 's a pansy
At least six months recovery to try and play golf again? Golf? It’s fucking golf! Hockey players play this in the off season after being beaten up six plus months straight. My god. Nike should just give you a pink tutu to wear on the course.


6) A real announcing crew for Penguins games
The combination of Paul Steigerwald and Bob Errey is unbearable. They attempt to be cute and funny but are just plain idiots. Most the time they can’t even get right which team the penalty is on. And this is after the goalie has come out of the net and the one team carrying the puck. I actually mute half the games anymore because every time they say something dumb I can’t stand it. If I made a drinking game of it, I’d drink myself to death in the first period.

Angry White Confused Lazy NFL Viewer Guy

Some people out there, like White Boy, are experts on when a network will be showing a game. All I know is that in the New York area, no games are on opposing channels when the Giants or Jets are playing home games. So with the Giants in the NFC Regular Season Championship at 8 and the Jets on the road at 4, I was excited for the AFC Regular Season Championship to air at 1pm, Steelers/Titans. And if for some reason that game got one-sided? Well I could turn to Pats/Cards or Devils/Flyers. But let's be honest, Pats/Cards had 47-7 written all over it, and who watches hockey on a December Sunday? So I turn on the CBS, and what do I see but a goddamn infomercial! Come on, you're telling me that on this day in which the AFC Regular Season Championship game isn't obstructed by the Jets or Giants, the powers that be have left us with nothing but the Patriots in a romp? It's week 16! It's the fantasy football championship and Free Harris Smith has a game! And I know what you're saying, Hey, Angry White Confused Lazy NFL Viewer Guy, get off your ass, and go to a sports bar. Well ya know what? There's some days when I'm too goddamn lazy and broke to go to a sports bar. So screw you, screw the NFL for deciding that Steelers/Titans isn't an important game.

To the powers that be in the NFL league offices: If you do this like 24 or 25 more times, I swear to Allah, I'm moving to Canada. Angry White Confused Lazy NFL Viewer Guy, over and out.

Happy Kwanzaa!

I know its 4 days away, but I just cant contain my excitement.



And heres the perfect gift for that slutty hag you keep going home with from the bar every few nights. Happy Kwanzaa!

PLAYOFFS?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME, PLAYOFFS?!?!

GOOD BYE

Don Sutton – You’re fired! Blitz you fool.

Eric Mangini – You’re fired! Talk about a 180. To go from great to shit in under a month is ridiculous. You punt the ball on the 35 and don't even try to give Feely a chance at another attempt. You've lost the edge my friend. Belichek is laughing at you somewhere

Laverneus Coles – Trade him, drop him, and send him back to Pennington. He complains that he’s not the focal point of the team. He was good back when Parcells was the coach. He is no longer a #1 WR, get rid of the punk

Bubba Franks – What a waste of a $1 million, gone

Eric Barton – Can’t cover the TE and sometimes acts like an immature rookie. RELEASE!!

Brett Favre – I hope he retires for good before Tannenbaum starts to build around him. He’s done. If anything he helped the Jets sell a few more Jersey’s

Brian Schottenheimer – Sometimes you’re as bad as Rich Kotite

Shaun Ellis – Unless the Jets are converting back to a 4-3 I say release him. He’s lost a few steps

HELLO

HIRE BILL COWHER…..LET’S GET PHYSICAL!!!! At least this man has had some success with the 3-4 defense. Plus I would totally buy a fake mustache, paint that shit green and watch every home game with it on.

Anquan Boldin – A physical #1 WR who’s not afraid to go over the middle along with Cotchery.

Terrell Suggs – A DE who can actually rush the quarterback.

Romeo Crennell - Get back to defense bud

DRAFT – They need depth at D line, they need another corner opposite Revis, a better safety along with Rhodes and if Favre is back next year they need a big physical wide-out, someone who stands out in double coverage (not Coles on 4th and 4).

This is a lousy recap but its just aggravating watching the Jets go from bad to worse. So what can they expect next year at quarterback?

Favre - Obviously if he stays the front office will sign more players on offense to succeed. I say that's bullshit, just get rid of him.

Clemens - Another season under his belt and less playing time to go with it. He was once considered the future but now has become a waste on the bench.

Ainge - Looked good in pre-season but he already has injury issues

Cassell - For the love of GOD please do not try and attempt to sign this bum. That's all the Jets need, spend more money and overpay another underachieving player.

Ratliff - eh?

Michael Vick - woof

Alex Smith - I think I'd rather have Favre

Devo - The next Jay Fiedler

Mahatma - Still recovering from an ACL injury, the first ever recorded in all of flag football. He's done

Overall this team is just soft. They exploit their oppositions weaknesses in the first quarter but never make the adjustments in the second half. How many times have the Jets gone scoreless in the 2nd half? I don't know, I don't want to know. It's one thing to get flat out beaten and overplayed, that I can accept and be ok with. It's being outsmarted by weaker and less talented opponents that bugs the shit out of me (Oakland, San Fran, Seattle). They just flat out suck and should be ashamed of themselves. End of story, they don't deserve to be in the playoffs. The Patriots or Broncos/Chargers would love to play the Jets in the first round of the playoffs. Ugh, I hate my life

Um, wow. A Giants/Panthers Recap.

Let's be honest: most of us follow our teams because it's the team that our fathers followed when we were little kids. As such, after observing this weekend of football, I had no choice but to profusely thank my dad for falling in love with Y.A. Tittle, Sam Huff, and the Giants of old and not the Namath sideburns. In related news, no word on whether SHMUCK has disowned Papa SHMUCK yet. Onto the recap!


Giants offense/Panthers defense

-The biggest problem with the offense in the first half was simply that they had to keep up with the newly discovered juggernaut that was the Carolina Offense. Eli had some solid numbers in the first half and then took care of business in the second half. In a windy Giants Stadium, that's all that one can ask for out of a Giant QB in December.

And equally important, Eli and Hixon connected on some nice timing routes. Not a spectacular game for Hixon, but at least it showed that the drops of games past shouldn't continue to nag him as the playoffs approach.

-Nice of Toomer to chip in with two catches for 27 yards, both of which are post-Halloween season highs.

-Fantastic game by Kevin Boss, becoming everything the Giants ever needed Jeremy Shockey to be: a reliable receiver who is generally open on third down and will catch passes thrown his way on third down and in the red zone. He'll never be as spectacular as some of Shockey's best plays, but the reality is, he doesn't need to be spectacular, just consistent. And looking back on the Shockey era, I'm pretty sure his most amazing play occurred during a pre-season game.

-Gilbride called a good game in the second half, but can they stop relying on Hedgecock to make offensive plays? Look, Hedgecock is a damn good blocking back, but there's no need to turn him into a receiving weapon if he's not good enough to do so. And this has more to do with the last 6 weeks or so than this particular game in which Hedgecock had a very nice 13 yard reception. But can Gilbride not call for a Hedgecock run on 3rd and short with Jacobs available? Calling for Hedgecock to be a receiver or a power back is kind of like calling for Kevin Boss to run a reverse. Boss can't make the same plays as Hixon in the same way that Hedgecock can't be Brandon Jacobs, but Hedgecock is still a valuable member of this team if used right. The talent is here, stop over-thinking everything and just get it done.

3 things about Jacobs:

1. He seems to have become the vocal leader of this team, leading them in the "stomp them out" pre-game speech. One thing that became obvious the last few weeks is how much better Jacobs makes the entire team, but on a much smaller note, I love that he seems to give this team a swagger when he plays.

2. Look, it's hard to say anything bad about Jacobs given how well he and Ward ran, but it seems like most of the time when Jacobs gets 3 or 4, he is one unlucky break away from gaining 15. I don't know if he's having trouble getting past the safeties, but it seems like he's consistently one more missed tackle away from having similar numbers to Ward. Eh, I'll stop my bitching.

3. And lastly, is Jacobs really not going to warrant serious consideration for MVP?

-So uh, Derrick Ward had a decent game. One thing about his overtime runs-I've become so accustomed to the Luke Pettitgout hold that I never get to enjoy the runs until I carefully scan the field and notice no flags. I need to start living in the moment.

-But seriously, props to Ward who had a great game in front of a national audience and earned himself a nice contract from a team who can afford him next year. (Not the G-Men) D-Ward, it's been a pleasure watching you compliment Jacobs, and I, as a representative of G-Men Nation, wish you all the best. You deserve it. But stay the fuck away from the Dallas backfield if you don't want to be booed when you return to Giants Stadium.

-And as always, this running game wouldn't have been possible without the consistent play of the O-Line. Snee and O'Hara got well deserved pro-bowl spots, even if McKenzie, Seubert, and Diehl all got screwed.


Panthers offense/Giants defense

-First off, I'd like to thank Deangelo Williams for helping me win the SUS Fantasy Football Championship and still finding a way to lose the game. Everybody wins! And by everybody I mean myself and the members of Free Harris Smith!.

-What the hell was that first half all about? It seemed like the Giants would get a stop on first down, but on second or third down the Panthers wouldn't just get the first down by a yard but by 5, 6, or 40 if it involved a pass thrown near Aaron Ross. And what the hell was up with Ross? He defended that ball like the ghost of Will Allens past. I'm guessing he was benched?

-For a guy with flu-like symptoms Justin Tuck sure was limping a bit. If he shows up on crutches with the Chicken Pox, I may have to call BS.

-So there was no pressure put on Delhomme the whole game. I'll chalk that up to Tuck not being full strength and the Giants needing to do everything possible to cover Steve Smith.

-Someone help me out here, what's the deal with screens? More specifically, why are teams able to run them on us for 15-20+ yards, but the Giants can never get more than a few yards? And that's when Jacobs holds onto the ball. I blame our linebackers.

-And speaking of the linebackers, Pierce had himself a solid game, covering up holes like they were illegal firearms.

-And yes, I've been waiting a long time to rock that line.

-Tangent alert: What's the deal with Ben Roethlisberger? More specifically, why do people think he should be the league MVP when he's the reason that the Steelers struggle to score 20 points in their wins? They didn't give the MVP to Jim McMahon or Trent Dilfer, and Ben is better than those guys, but come on. And along those lines, Jake Delhomme sure seems to be the anti-Roethlisberger: whereas everyone says that Ben is great this year but isn't, everyone says that Delhomme sucks, but is he really that bad? What am I missing?

-Look, one thing was apparent yesterday which explains the Mangini-sized difference between the Jets and Giants coaching staff. The Giants made adjustments at the half that were apparently able to slow down the Panthers O enough to mount a comeback. The Jets kept on trying the same ol' same ol' until 60 minutes were up.

-And the biggest surprise about the game yesterday? The Giants' first punt in OT. After the Giants made it 28-28, I was 150% sure that the Giants would win the game if the offense could only get the ball again. And eventually they won, but I was just amazed that it took the offense two tries in a close game to win the game. I guess this is my way of saying 1) I'm still enjoying the Eli Manning Era and 2) yeah, Big Blue is back. Watch out world.

And a few more other things that like myself, can't be described using a simple label...

I've found my blogging jihad, and R.W. McQuarters be thy name. I'm not blaming McQuarters for the fumble that nearly cost the Giants the game; I'm blaming the coaching staff for allowing McQuarters to put on shoulder pads and a jersey in the first place. As I've said tirelessly already, there's nothing that McQuarters does that can't be performed by someone better. Returning punts? Bradshaw and Hixon are fantastic replacements. 4th or 5th cornerback? I don't care how many steps Sam Madison has lost, he still has to be better than McQuarters. Madison, unlike McQuarters, once had a prime. And I don't get why a star player can't also be a punt/kick returner. But Devo, Jason Sehorn's career was effectively over after he got messed up on a punt return. Yeah, but two things: 1) Sehorn, unlike Hixon and Bradshaw was primarily a cornerback before a return man and therefore has much worse technique than both of them, and 2) Who else has gotten hurt returning kicks other than Sehorn? Is it just me or is Sehorn the only guy to get seriously hurt returning kicks?

-Weird crowd at the game. Giants fans are justifiably considered to be the oldest and whitest in the league, mostly due to Giants season tickets remaining in families for generations. But last night, due to the cold and the time, it sure seemed like old white people sold their tickets to drunk younguns. And I'm ok with that in general, but I have one rule: If you're going to be drunk and loud either 1) know your football or 2) be funny. The guy in section 327 row 30 who was yelling at me for not standing mid second quarter was neither. And stop yelling "Omaha!" You're not Eli Manning. Start getting your comedic timing down or go home.

-And props to the Giants Stadium grounds crew for apparently turning the steps into a hockey rink. As an unemployed lawyer, my only regret is that I didn't stand at the bottom of the steps with a business card.

-But as much as the ice sucked, seeing the Stadium erupt in snow after the Giants tied the game and later won was unbelievable. And while some of the drunk guys were annoying, the drunkeness of the crowd as a whole led to an enjoyable, if odd, atmosphere. By the end of the 4th quarter as the Giants got their groove back, you had seemingly 70,000 people singing along with the house music during one of the 8,000 tv timeouts.

And lastly, about the Giants...

Two things were learned last night:

1. The Panthers are a well put together, well coached football team. No turnovers, very few penalties, and a team that knows how to score points. If Dallas is an underachieving team with tons of talent, no cohesiveness, and a coach who my dad consistently confuses with Bum Phillips, then Carolina is the opposite: a well coached team that takes advantage of every ounce of talent available. At the end of the day, Carolina and Dallas are the only teams that should, in theory, make the Giants sweat in the NFC playoffs.

2. The Giants are back. The truth of the matter is that at the end of the day, with home field throughout the NFC, only the Giants can keep themselves from getting to the Super Bowl.

And lastly, after watching the Pats/Cardinals game, I'm putting the line for Giants/Cards 2nd round from a cold Meadowlands at Giants -24. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give the Giants Kurt Warner and Co. in the 2nd round.

SHMUCKS PICKS (10-17-3)

NEW YORK JETS (-3.5) vs. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Here are some interesting facts: Jets are 0-3 on the west coast so far and 1-5 when they don’t play at 1:00pm. Great! Now they travel to “I want to kill myself because of all this rain” Seattle (also called False Start Qwest Field) and the kick off is @4. And to make matters worse it’s Mike Holmgren’s farewell game as Seattle’s head coach so you can imagine that all the Seahawk players are going to be fired up and will give it their best for him and their last home game of this season. All-in-all it’s not looking to bright for the Jets. Last week they barely escaped with a win against a Bills team on the steady decline. As a Jet fan I am letting personal feelings getting in the way of my pick here. If Mangini wants a job he better have his team ready tomorrow or I can guarantee you he’s on the hot seat all next season and will be the first coach fired.

Jets 30, Seahawks 20

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-8) vs. ARIZONA CARDINALS

The Jets and Dolphins will be watching this game closely. A loss by the Patriots makes their matchup next week even more important; the winner will decide who wins the AFC East. If Jets win against Seattle and the Dolphins they clinch. If Jets lose today and Patriots lose, Miami will need to win and beat the Jets next week. Complicated? Not really, the Jets just better fucking win that’s all.
Anquan Boldin might be out for this game which hurts the Cardinal passing attack. This game still will be an offensive juggernaut with both offenses having lots of success with the pass. Patriots are probably going to finish 11-5 along with the Dolphins and not make the playoffs (soooo great!). Patriots win this won by 10

Patriots 41, Arizona 31

Devo's Week 16 Picks (15-15)

Leaders come in all shapes and sizes. Some, like Derek Jeter, lead by example. Others, like Michael Strahan lead by being the vocal type. And others, like yours truly, lead by spending their two picks on the Detroit and Miami games. Why Detroit and Miami? Well, we at Fredo picks can only make so many jokes about Detroit being a shitty town in need of a bailout and Miami having hot women. I'm just going to assume that Mahatma's and BH's thank you notes are in the mail.

Onto the picks!

Miami (-3.5) over KANSAS CITY

Here's my question with Kansas City. Herm Edwards seemingly manages to give an inspirational speech after every game. So while Herm is telling his team why they play, what do you tell your team after a tough loss to a tissue-soft San Diego Chargers team? What do you tell your guys when you get outcoached by Norv Turner? And not for nothing, but isn't being outcoached by Norv Turner's Chargers kind of like losing a mob war to the Corleones, only if Fredo was boss? Was there even a postgame speech, or was there just an unspoken agreement between players and coach that the less said, the better? Miami won't blow Kansas City out, but they'll show up. That by itself should be enough for a 4 point win.

Miami 17
Kansas City 13

DETROIT (+7) over New Orleans

Look, Detroit is not going 0-16. I'm not going to sit here and say that with a few lucky breaks they'd be a playoff game, but 16-0 just isn't the sort of thing that happens. And how will Detroit defeat New Orleans, you ask? Well, if Detroit shuts down the running game, forces Brees into a few timely interceptions and takes advantage of a defense so bad that you'd think it was coached by Herm Edwards, then Detroit could possibly pull-eh, ya know what? No, no Detroit can't.
Correction: New Orleans (-7) over DETROIT
Drew Brees will throw for a Peyton Manning-meaningless 400 yards and this won't be close. Maybe Detroit gets 21 points. Congrats.

New Orleans 52
Detroit 21

Belichick Seeks to Motivate Cassel

At today’s press conference, Bill Belichick was asked to address the primary question going into this week’s game against the Arizona Cardinals: how is Matt Cassel going to play?

Cassel had the worst showing of his career against the Pittsburgh Steelers three weeks ago, then was barely able to pull out a win against the flightless Seahawks. Then tragedy struck with the death of his father. He rebounded that week with a four touchdown performance against the Raiders that once again got everyone abuzz about the first year starter. But Patriots head coach Bill Belichick didn’t brush off the apparent coincidence of Cassel’s performance in relation to the death of a family member, especially after two weeks of struggling play.

“We’re going to keep killing people he loves.” Belichick said at his latest press conference. “You can’t ignore the direct correlation between his grief and his play. In order to keep that up, we’re going to have to keep him depressed.”

When asked how he plans to go about killing everything Cassel holds dear, Belichick responded “it’s a team effort. We’re a team, we work together, we all put in the effort. No one person can do it.” He continued, “This isn’t something we have a lot of experience with. I’ve gotten in touch with guys like Ray Lewis, who has been a big help. He’s given us a lot of tips on how to avoid conviction without spending millions.”

While murder is normally frowned upon by the media and fans, nearly every outlet has thrown their full support behind Belichick, praising him for his originality in motivation and his willingness to do whatever it takes to win.

“The move is pure genius.” Chris Berman of ESPN said. “Only a genius like Belichick would be able to plan and execute such an intricate scheme. It goes to show why he is the greatest coach ever.”

Belichick made it clear nothing was safe. “We’ll kill the girl he lost his virginity to. Childhood sweetheart? Gone. I don't care.” But he admitted there is more to the situation than just killing. “There is strategy involved; I mean who do you kill when? Obviously, we’re going to save the more important people for the tougher games. We’re not going to kill his mom to beat the Bengals or the Raiders. We’re saving her for Super Bowl. Bad teams, we’ll just kill a neighbor, or a distant cousin. I don't know, we don't have it fully planned out. But if I have to feed his goldfish until it explodes, so be it.”

Matt Cassel was not available for comment, leaving the team for family reasons earlier in the day.

For the Record: Its Pronounced Puts

As in JJ Putz down batters in the 8th inning to set up the 9th for K-Rod.
This post is to show that I am still alive in the Blogosphere and that I can still think of baseball as we are getting hammered with almost a foot of snow.

Happy Shoveling!

~MissMet

Is this over yet? FREDO PICKS 16

So Devo is probably winning the Fredo picks competition. I'm sure he is going to enjoy his new SUS stock options.

So, I know you all are probably annoyed reading this but trust us when we say it's hard finding things to say about Detroit, Houston, Jacksonville, Cleveland every week. Actually, it's quite painful and I'd rather have needles shoved into my nether regions.

Cincinnati (+3) at Cleveland
Devo: It takes me about 10 minutes to accurately spell the town where the Bengals play. Pick: Cleveland.

Mahatma: Cleveland is the mistake on the lake and all but in Cincy the big thing is playing CORNHOLE. Unless this is prison, that's that a not a good thing.... Pick: Cleveland.

BH: Strange spaghetti chili vs. Rock n Roll HoF. Who did they have to kill to get that museum? Pick: The Cleve.

San Francisco (-5.5) at St. Louis
Devo: I had a hot boss from St. Louis. Cue all the "what was his name?" jokes. Pick: St. Louis.

Mahatma: I had a hot boss from San Francisco. Cue all the "what was his name?" jokes. Pick: San Fran

BH: All the hot bosses Ive had were women, but one was from STL. Pick: STL

Houston (-7) at Oakland
Devo: Houston is the largest city that noone has any reason to visit. Pick: Oakland

Mahatma: Still way better than Oakland where the only reason to visit is to get raped by a bunch of hicks wearing the "Legion of Doom" spikes Pick: Houston

BH: Oakland gave us MC Hammer. Houston gave us Enron. Pick: Houston

Buffalo (+6.5) at Denver
Devo: It snows like 9 months out of the year in both of these cities. But Denver was smart enough to grow mountains instead of wings. Pick: Denver

Mahatma: Buffalo Wings > Coors Light for the sole reason that the carrots and celery are good for you. Pick: Buffalo!

BH: Colorado has beer, steaks, pot, hot hippies and big mountains. Buffalo has...a football team...for now. Pick: Denver

San Diego (+3.5) at Tampa Bay
Devo: And if Houston is the biggest city noone cares about, I'm pretty sure Tampa is in the top 5. Pick: San Diego

Mahatma: DRAYS > Padres Pick: Tampa

BH: Two warm weather meccas. Im letting my name guide me and going with the hillbilly town. Pick: Tampa

Green Bay (+4) at Chicago
Devo: A rule I learned while living in the scenic slums of Allston, MA: You generally don't want to live in a city after BH is done with it. Pick: Green Bay

Mahatma: Chicago has deep dish pizza. Sorry random Packer fans we drank with but Chicago pizza shits on all. Pick: Chicago

BH: A cardiac surgeons dream game. I think Green Bay is probably fatter. Pick: Bay of Green

week 16 picks (15-11)

Philadelphia (-5.5) at Washington-

Washington has completley fallen apart. I told Devo throughout the season that this team was a fraud and indeed it is/was. Its QB and its entire offense has been steadily collapsing and its defense, while talented, always does just enough to lose. Philly is going the other way. It has been red hot and is playing great on both sides of the ball. Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid have discovered that if you run the ball 30-35 times with a superstar back, people are open when you pass the ball. Philly will dominate this game on both sides of the ball. Case closed. THE PICK: EAGLES (28-9)

Carolina Panthers (+3) at New York Giants -

The Panthers team is hot. Its defense is very talented and, while not overwhelming opposing offenses, it is hitting the quarterback and doing enough to win each and every game. The Giants suddenly has reverted to its 2006 ways. It is doing just enough to lose every game and has forgot how to tackle. Pierce is lost. His head is not in the game. That won't work well against the best little receiver in the game Steve Smith. Speaking of Steve Smith, our Steve Smith needs to start getting open more as does Amani "well dressed"Toomer and Dominick "I'm not Plaxico" Hixon. Yea I'm already bitter after a two game losing streak. But seriously, my confidence is shot. Smith should have a field day as should the duo of Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart against our possibly Fred Robbins less front 7. I hope I'm wrong but I don't see this ending well. THE PICK: PANTHERS (21-18)

The King's Essence

Well Burger King has the gift for you...

Burger chain markets meat scent

called Flame, the company says the spray is "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat".

The scent is on sale in New York for $3.99 (£2.65) and through a website that features a variety of romantic images - but no actual burgers.

Well this is just great. You know when I go out to all the hotspots in NYC, I'm just dying to smell like greasy fast food burgers. Screw all these Gorgio Armani, Calvin Klein shits. I'm all about smelling like the fucking Whopper. I mean you can't spell seduction without flame broiled can you? What girl in their right mind would turn me down now?

For the record, you could probably save the $4 bucks and roll around in a dumpster behind a local Burger King near you for the same results.

Here's the website for those curious enough..strange.

Facebook is EVIL

TERRANCE IS GOING PRO



UPDATE: The Birminham News' Ian Rapoport says the "going pro" message on Cody's page was courtesy of ... a prankster girlfriend?

Alabama nose tackle Terrence Cody is returning to Alabama for his senior season. The All-American nose tackle said he's not submitting his information to the NFL draft advisory board, though he did consider it.

If you're friends with him on Facebook, you would have noticed last night that his status message said, "Terrence Cody... is going pro."

The result was a tremendous joke, one that may not have been funny to Tide fans."All right, my girlfriend was on my account last night, and she put that on there, and everybody started freaking out," Cody said, clearly amused, though maybe slightly embarrassed. "I was on the phone with her when she put it on, and two minutes after that, I got message after message after message with everybody freaking out."

Now we got all this bullshit about people going PRO and shit. Let this be a lesson for all those of you who are going pro in the next couple of months, like Boy, White who busy training for his NFL career and is ready to announce it to the world. Keep those Facebook pranksters away! Personally, I'll find it more funny if Mt. Cody breaks up with his girl right after he signs his NFL contract and than honey has to find a real job. That's a true prankster right there.

But on the other hand, I'm disgusted. What the hell type of shit is this. Remember when the world did not revolve around status messages? Remember when Facebook was just a way to remember who the girl was in your Rhetoric class. Those were the days. Alas Facebook has turned from stalking vehicle to contest for greatest status message.

This reminds me I have to change my status. LOLZ!

MAHATMA PICKS THE GAME OF THE AMERICAN FOOTBALL UNIVERSE (20-12)

Pittsburgh Steelers (+2) @ Tennessee Titans

THE BATTLE FOR HOMEFIELD. Why isn't this f'n game on Sunday night. We already saw the Giants last week why again? Oh apparently, CBS had this game as one of their UNFLEXABLE games so go figure. I guess paying 2 billion+ does have its perks.

Alas, scheduling boners aside, I'm amped for this game. This is going to be DRAG em out into the water and drown them. I felt the Steelers should win this game even with Albert Haynesworth and Kyle Vanden Bosch but with both missing I like the Steelers chances even more.

For a team playing the hardest schedule in 25+ years, and being 11-3 should give all the Yinzers hope for #6. Except objectivelly speaking this is a truly bad offense led by an offensive coordinator who picks plays out of a hat and 2 of the worst offensive linemen in the league. As a result, they can't run or throw but they still win. I actually expect the Steelers offense to show up. They have improved overall but are just prone to horrendous lapses -- either missed blocking assigments, Roth missing reads, dropped passes, etc. BUT, the potential is there and if they get it together strikes look out.



The Titans are too one dimensional to do enough damage against the Steelers. The biggest thing the Titans need to do is to get Chris Johnson in space. He is the only one that can do damage to this defense. I look for a lot of swing passes and screens to take advantage of the blitz happiness the Steelers use in the same veign the Pats and Cowboys used. Outside of that
the Titans should have trouble. If Jeff Fisher were smart and he is, I'd actually begin to use Vince Young in a various packages. I mean sure he's depressed but come on boy, it's time to nut up.

Regardless, this is going to be a close game again until the Steelers pull away in the 4th.
Yep, I'm a homer.



Pittsburgh Steelers - 27
Tennessee Titans - 14

They Still Are Who We Thought They Were

Another game done and another journeyman quarterback looking like Peyton Manning courtesy of the Jets defense. If any team is looking to develop one of their quarterbacks, all you have to do is start’em against the Jets. Listening to fans outside the stadium telling me how much the pass defense sucks last weekend was preposterous and got me a little annoyed. Get your facts straight! It’s not always the secondary that’s the problem. In fact, Losman was 24 for 39, 148yds, 1 TD and 3 INT’s. To me those stats indicate pretty stellar secondary defense. The run defense on the other hand, was simply horrific. I believer Marshawn Lynch had like 100yds on 6 carries midway thru the second quarter. What happened to the 4th best rushing defense in the league? That shit was gone like a fart in the wind by week 13! And don’t get me started on the bad tackling. Stop going for the ball all the time. Wrap up the legs and bring your man down! Fred Jackson was stopped around the 5yd line but he just kept pushing the pile. The man is like 5’8 and 200lbs!!! Sit on him Pouha! I know it’s been a long season and heading into the final stretch no coach is going to spend time in practice on basic fundamental tackling skills. But Mangini and Co. can’t overlook how horrendous the defense has been; maybe they should consider it.
How about them short practices? That approach didn’t seem to resolve their issues on offense and defense. Can we now say that the problem is coaching just as much as it’s the players not performing? I think Darrelle Revis (pro bowl, DB, nice) has the right idea; the defense is looking to make a turnover instead of wrapping up, tackling and playing hard nosed football. Teams like the Steelers, Ravens, Giants, and Bears etc. play hard nosed football on defense all season long and I never see them slow down. Why are the Jets? Is this defense really nothing without Kris Jenkins at NT? The answer is….yes….damn. Players like Albert Haynesworth and Kris Jenkins are vital to their team’s success. I’m not sure about the Titans but the d-line depth for the Jets is pretty thin.
How does Dick Jauron still have a job? Well, I sure hope he does especially if he makes more bad calls like that while playing against the Jets. Thank you sir, for you have saved the Jets playoff chances once again.
Overall, this is what I liked and disliked about the game:

GOOD:

Leon Washington – only one carry but boy was it huge, a 47yd scamper for a TD before the half.

Calvin Pace – 2 sacks for the game and probably one of the only guys on defense who haven’t slowed down.

David Clowney – Spectacular first NFL one-handed catch by this young man. Jets need more weapons. This one has been sitting on the bench for too long

O-Line – No sacks, no hits, 140yards rushing. This unit is finding a consistent groove week in and week out

David Harris – Just glad to see you back man.

Abram Elam – Jets needed a play and he made one with the sack and forced fumble. Of course it didn’t hurt that Jauron was a moron for calling such a play

BAD:

Brett Favre – He’s obviously hurt and he’s afraid to take too many chances. 1 passing touchdown in your last 3 games is horrible. This future hall of famer is getting out performed by all his counterparts, including backups

Mike Westhoff – Burned again by another fake punt; first vs. Denver and now Buffalo costing the Jets. Both teams went on to score touchdowns later on those drives.

D-Line – Kris Jenkins can’t do it all. He has been apparently for the first 12-13 weeks of the season but god damn the man is only human! Help him out Bowens, Ellis, Pouha Coleman etc.!

Schottenheimer – Most teams are putting extra attention on Leon Washington when he’s on the field and rightfully so; the man is dangerous. But yet he keeps finding ways to get in the endzone and make plays. Keep that kid in there. Need another weapon? Paging Mr. Clowney…Mr. Clowney….

So in the end it was “pot luck” the Jets got the victory in that game. This week against Seattle (of course another west coast game where the Jets are already 0-3) won’t get any easier. It’s the last home game for Mike Holmgren and I’m sure the Seattle players will want him to go out flying high. The Jet morale is low and I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared. “Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!”

No Shit Sherlock of the Week

Want to marry a doctor? Survey shows most do

SINGAPORE (Reuters Life!) – It really does pay to be a doctor, with an international survey showing the medical profession is the most trusted, among the most admired and includes the most eligible marriage partners.

By contrast, actors and musicians, along with journalists and advertisers, were among professionals that people trusted the least, and were also least likely to choose a partner from, according to a survey by Synovate, the market research arm of Aegis Group plc.

"Much of who we are is tied up in what we do in the hours from nine to five, and often way beyond," a Synovate statement said.

"Asking someone what they do for a living is often the first question you ask them; right after 'what's your name?'."

The survey polled about 5,500 respondents in Brazil, Canada, China, France, Malaysia, South Africa and the United States.

WOW. In earth-shattering news, people want to marry Doctors. Gee I wonder why?

Here I was thinking that everyone wants to marry Burger Engineers. Sadly those burger engineers are much better than those dirty advertisers.

damn

BH explains why he's a (sports) douchebag

There is a simple fact in life: all hardcore sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags.

Click here to have Yinzer tell you why he's a sports douchebag.

Click here to have SHMUCK tell you he's a sports douchebag.

Click here to see why Mahatma is a sports douchebag.

Click here to see why MissMet is a sports tool.

Click here to see why White Boy South Bronx is a sports douchebag.

Click here to see why Devo is a sports douchebag.

I have no faith in my teams- Every drop back for a pass, every odd-man rush, every crucial at-bat, I expect disaster. Where failure is possible, I believe my teams will rise to the occasion and drop the ball. In 5 years of Ben Roethlisberger's career, I have not drawn a breath between the moment he throws a pass and the moment the ball is either caught or drops to the ground. I try to project an air of confidence to the outside world but it's all a sham to fool myself into not making a scene. Hockey is the worst, as I've learned over the years with goalies like David Aebisher and Sean Fields in net, disaster is only a moment away and I cringe inside at every shot on goal. Constant muttering goes hand in hand with this and only the presence of bigger douchebags (hey Mahatma!) will make me seem the least bit positive. I guess that makes me a grumpy douchebag.

I have a compulsive need for sports memorabilia- I have the greatest football jersey in the history of football jerseys, a #88 Lynn Swann throwback. Why is it great? I've yet to see anyone else with one, I get complimented on it nearly every week at Steeler bars and it's nice to pay tribute to one of the legends of football history. And yet not a week goes by that I don't troll the internet for new jerseys like a bored married man cruising "erotic services" on Craigslist or creeping slowly through Hunts Point. It's a seedy practice and it makes me feel like I'm cheating on my jersey, but I cant help it. We've all seen the NFL Shop commercial with the room decked out in Steeler gear, frankly it has inspired me to recreate that exact scene in my home one day(minus Steely McBeam of course). But its not just Steeler stuff, I have boxes of Penguins, Avalanche, Broncos and WVU gear sitting in boxes in my parents' attic. Most of it I have outgrown (physically and mentally; I don't need my Starting Lineup or hockey puck collection scaring people away). It takes all my willpower to prevent myself from buying t-shirts or other crap when I'm on various college campuses and I've got a hat or shirt from most professional teams in the various cities I've lived in/near. Mind you, I've never cheered for the Orioles in my life, but I've still got a sweet old school hat of theirs. I don't know if this makes me a sports douchebag or just a run-of-the-mill commercial douchebag, but I'm a douchebag nonetheless.

I can dish it out, but have a hard time taking it- Yes, I am a sensitive man of the new millennium, especially when it comes to my teams. I get angry and spiteful when my boys are ridiculed by strangers, especially ones wearing opposing teams colors. Not just when I'm a fan either. All my friends from Hillbilly-land remember my profanity laced tirade launched at a car full of opposing soccer players in front of my parents. Yes, I'm a good sport. And a douchebag.

I judge people based on the teams they root for- I noticed everyone sort of put this one down, so I guess its a common sentiment. I don't need to elaborate further than to say I will hang out with a bible-thumping born again conservative before I will hang out with a Ravens or Red Wings fan.

-BH

For the 4 of you that will watch this game... MAHATMA's THURSDAY NIGHT HAPPY HOUR PICK (20-11)

Indianapolis Colts (-6) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Ok let me go on record as saying the Colts really should be the favorites to come out of the AFC. Sure, beating The Lions barely, Pittsburgh barely, Houston barely, Minnesota barely, Houston again barely, San Diego barely, New England barely, and Cleveland barely but that's okay. With this impressive streak, The Colts are poised to clinch a playoff birth yet again. But hold the phone.

The Jags always play the Colts tough. They might have found a receiver last week in Dennis "Drop" Northcutt who amazingly caught the ball and lit up the Packers last week. You'd figure The Jags would nut up and try to fight for their jobs but alas they haven't and with word coming out of Gregg Williams departure, MLB Mike Petersen's departure, the Jags responded last week. Rashean Mathis is out this week so that could mean trouble unless Jones Drew and the Jagoffs control the ground. I think they can. Colts should also get Bob Sanders and Joe Addai back too. That can only help. Still though being a 6 point home dogs to a divisional rival, that's too much.

Indianpolis - 24
Jacksonville - 20

The Return of the SUS Premium Cableologist

Have you people seen House of Saddam yet? For those out of the loop, it's the BBC/HBO 4 part, 4 hour miniseries based on the rise and fall of Saddam Hussein Al-Tikriti. A few thoughts:

SPOILER ALERT!

-The best way to describe the quality of this mini-series, like any good piece of art, is to compare it to its contemporaries. Along those lines, it's not The Wire, it's not first 3 seasons of Sopranos, but it's probably better than the John Adams miniseries. So the big question on your mind is, "Premium Cableologist, where does it rate in comparison to the greatest war miniseries ever created, Band of Brothers?" And that's the main weakness of this miniseries-Band of Brothers was thirteen one-hour episodes, which gave the viewer the feeling that they were watching everything that Easy Company did in Europe. The main problem with this miniseries is that it's 4 hours, not 13. Some of the notable things that aren't covered include all of Saddam's life before coming to power, much of the Iran-Iraq war, the assassination attempt of Uday, and much of the gassing of the Kurds. It instead picks and chooses among a handful of pivotal moments from 1979 when he came to power until his hanging in 12/06. The selected scenes are fantastic, but one gets the feeling that there is much more to the story not being told.

-That said, the best thing about this miniseries is that every time someone befriends Saddam, you know they're going to die, the question is simply when. Not for nothing, but this could lead to some fantastic gambling. For example, my dad and I guessed the over/under of the first televised death. Like i said, fantastic gambling opportunities for the addicted.

-A lot of Godfather parallels. 3 that come to mind:
1. The opening scene involves Saddam and his underlings plotting a coup in one room while his daughter has one of the more insane birthday parties of any 7 year old.
2. There's a scene where Saddam and Chemical Ali are walking in a hallway and Saddam is explaining how he gave his word to his daughters that he would not kill his traitor sons-in-law. So while walking in the hallway, Saddam gives a historic reference in which the main gist is that Chemical Ali must kill Saddam's in-laws for the good of the country. Very similar to Robert Duvall's scene where he insinuates that Frank Pantangelli should kill himself and his family would be justly compensated. (Godfather scene is here, but it's also in Spanish. Sorry.)
3. There's a scene in which Uday, Qusay, await Saddam for his birthday and gather around the dinner table to discuss the recent attack on Pearl Harb-er, ok, that may not have happened.

-And speaking of the sons, let's get to the most interesting aspect of the Hussein regime, shall we? So ok, these fellas first came to my attention in a Maxim article that I can't find a link to, but it basically compared the Hussein boys, Uday and Qusay, to Sonny and Michael Corleone. Uday, the older child, was seen as the successor, but with a penchant for violence and women that was sure to get him in trouble. Qusay was the younger, quieter, smarter son who became the heir apparent when his father realized that he was smart and his older brother was near retarted.

-Now, I don't know how much of this is poetic license and how much of this is accurate, but I'm just going to compare the sons as portrayed in this movie to the Corleones. First, Uday, aka Santino, was made to look a lot more like Fredo, only if Fredo had a penchant for cocktail waitresses AND guns. I'm not saying that this portrayal is or isn't accurate, but Uday seemed somewhat retarted, especially during peacetime Iraq.

-Now, as far as offspring as dictators go, Qusay, or at least the idea of Qusay, was always my favorite. The Maxim article portrayed him as being Saddam's bodyguard, doing EVERYTHING necessary to keep the empire alive. But in the movie, Qusay was basically portrayed as a scared pussy. He was introduced during the second of the four episodes, during the buildup to the first Gulf War, and he had a scared look on his face. Remember when you were told there was no Santa Claus? Now imagine discovering this truth over the course of a 30 minute drama, and that sums up my disillusionment with the artist formerly idolized as Qusay. Over the final two episodes, Qusay clearly gained power and lost the scared look on his face, but his utter ruthlessness was never shown in a way that I was hoping for.

-The best way to describe Qusay is by referencing the Simpsons. And since Fox apparently took down all of the Simpsons youtube clips, you'll have to make do with my description. Remember when the Japanese Yakuza gets into a fight with Fat Tony and the Italian Mafia on the Simpsons' front lawn? There's a Yakuza guy standing off to the side and Homer basically says something along the lines of "I want to see what that guy's gonna do! He's gonna do something cool and we're gonna miss it if we go inside!" And Homer goes inside and you hear the Yakuza boss take down most of the Italians in one fell swoop. Let's just say I expected Qusay to be like the Yakuza boss, and I was thoroughly disappointed this time around.

-And lastly, Saddam had two daughters that were never talked about. I've never seen actual photos of them, but if they're as hot in real life as they are in the mini-series, well, you can accuse Saddam of many things, but you can't accuse him of bad genes.

Who would ever think that 11-3 could suck so much? A Giants/Cowboys Recap

I hate these Sunday Night Giant games when I make the intelligent move of driving from NJ to the Upper East Side to watch. At best, I get home around 1am, pass out, only to wake up at 4am to the sweet smell of victory and the not-so-sweet feeling of bar-food heartburn. And frankly, it's much more of the latter than the former. A loss like last night? The bar food heartburn doesn't go away, but the sweet smell of victory sure as hell does.

But on the plus side, we have an excuse to not go to Blondie's anymore. I started going there because a few friends of mine watched the playoff run last year and wanted to continue with the good luck. As the season has gone on, I've come to realize that we spend our Sundays at a bar with 1) no HDtvs, 2)lousy food, and most importantly, 3)beer that isn't as cheap as most bars on a football Sunday. Basically the only thing that kept us going there was White Boy and my undefeated record at this place. Now? We go elsewhere. At least something positive came from the evening.

And with that said, let's recap this bitch Good/Bad/Ugly style, with much more emphasis on the latter two.

The Good.
-Say what you want about the Giants defense, but they took Marion Barber III out of the game, and his replacement wasn't much of a factor until the 4th quarter.

-This could've just been me, but it sure looked like the Giants got their pass rush back. Next, it's time to force some fumbles.

-T.O. looked like crap for most of the game. He had a few catches, but also had a few drops and slid short of a first down, Derrick Ward style. Apparently some drunk asshole thought T.O. was Kanye West and started shouting "T.O. hates White People!" This was somewhat funny the first time it was yelled and became annoying when it was shouted the other 10 times during the game. By the way, I'm 92% sure that asshole was me.

-Corey Webster, shutdown corner, buy yourself a house. Homeboy just got a 5 year deal which saves him from impending unrestricted free agency. Smart signing by the golden GM. Now Reese needs to work on contracts for Jacobs and Toomer, in that order.

The Bad

Wow. Where to start, let's do this methodically. First the offense...

-The Giants were winning games over the last calendar year because of the offensive and defensive lines. That was totally where they lost this game. Eli was hit on every play and sacked on every other dropback. And Derrick Ward had to make a few Cowgirls miss just to get back to the line of scrimmage.

-Yeah, this team misses Plax. There's some serious problems with what Plax did to this team, but let's start with the most basic: NO ONE ON THIS TEAM IS GETTING OPEN. Hixon may soon become a featured receiver, but he needs to start playing like it.

-This team needs Brandon Jacobs to win. I said earlier this season that Jacobs was good, but that Bradshaw, after last year's playoff run was possibly better. Not true. Bradshaw is a solid runner, but Jacobs may be one of the five most feared running backs in the game when healthy. The Giants need Jacobs back for the Carolina game and should then rest him the next three weeks until Arizona or Atlanta come to town in the 2nd round.

-No legit offensive touchdowns in the last few weeks. This could fall under ugly, but there's enough to put into that category. Forget about the fact that Eli is killing fantasy owners in their playoffs. (See: Boy, White) Eli is reverting back to last year when his instincts were simply awful. What bothered me as much as anything was the few passes that he threw that nearly hit Boss in the back. Someone there isn't on the right page, probably Boss actually, but it needs to be remedied. Sooner than later.

-Bottom line, in years past, this team has been able to put up 30 points against Dallas. They should have certainly been able to put up 20-25 points on these guys, even without Plax and Co.

As for the defense...

-Romo didn't really kill them for most of the game, but it sure seemed like guys were open. I love our cornerbacks and think that they're going to be good for years to come, but they needed to provide better coverage.

-So I'm assuming that Fred Robbins is hurt? It's amazing how little you hear about this injury. And it's also amazing how much better this team seems to play when he plays. Put this man in the Pro Bowl. Now. The unsung hero of this team.

-If the defense held the Cowboys in the fourth quarter, if they prevent Jason Witten from getting that final first down, Eli has a chance to win the game. And say what you want about Eli, but this wouldn't be the first time he's looked lousy all game only to rock a 2-minute drill for the win. But the defense couldn't get it done.

-And the reason they didn't? Pierce has been lousy recently. But let's save that for the ugly.

And lest we spare the coaching, let's talk about them for a second...

-How often, Jason Sehorn aside, do guys get hurt returning kicks and punts? Hixon has proven to be a difference maker returning kicks, but the Giants not only keep him away from returns, but they also shelve Bradshaw from return duties in order to keep them fresh and injury free. Instead, the Giants have had Sinorice Moss and R.W. McQuarters returning kicks. These guys are painfully average and shouldn't be on the field when you have pro bowl caliber return guys that the team is saving for the offense. Oh, and McQuarters shouldn't even be dressing. Sam Madison is better. When McQuarters wasn't old, he was still an awful corner.

-Remember when the screens to Ward and Bradshaw used to work? Hell, remember when they were actually attempted? Seems like years ago doesn't it? How did the Cowboys have so much success with this, but it never dawned on the Giants to try one of these? In related news, Gilbride rebuffed Syracuse's offer to interview him for their head coaching job. Damn.

The Ugly

-It's funny, my one memory of the Dan Reeves era from the early 90's was that there were so many games in which Mike Horan was our best player. I think the Giants went 7-9 most of those years. Last night? Yeah, Jeff Feagles was the best Giant. Not a good sign.

-Ok, time for the Giants to stop getting hurt. Robbins was out, Jacobs was out, McKenzie got hurt, and the O and D lines started to suffer. Not good. The Giants need to have all three of these guys healthy if they want to win the Super Bowl.

-The Plax fallout is starting to become clear. From a strict football perspective, this is what bothers me:
1. Plax wasn't coming back to this team next year. But the Giants probably get the Ravens' 1st or 2nd round pick for the guy if he doesn't pack heat. Now the Giants may have to (or at least should) trade the 2nd round pick they got from the Saints and possibly a 4th rounder for Anquan Boldin.
2. Antonio Pierce can talk all he wants about his mind being on the game at hand. He can talk all he wants about not being distracted from repeating as Super Bowl Champs and getting the respect that the Giants finally deserve. But the fact is, he sucks right now. He looks a step slower, a bit more indecisive, and as the quarterback of our defense goes, so the team goes. And if he doesn't miss the tackle on Witten in the final few minutes on that third down, the Giants have a chance to win last night.

-And what defines ugly? Seeing Jerry Jones celebrate the win with his entourage in his luxury box. Praise Allah that he wasn't on the sidelines. Looking back, I wouldn't piss on Jones if he were on fire either.

The Bottom Line
-It's weird being scared about a team at 11-3, but that's what it is right now. They don't look good at all. The good news about this game is that win or loss, it didn't affect the Giants' future. The bad news, is that the season probably comes down to a game against Carolina at a time when the Giants have lost two in a row, nearly amassing a losing streak. That said, the game is in Giants Stadium, and it should favor the Giants. A win, and teams have to come through Giants Stadium. A loss, and the Giants will have to go through Carolina to get to Tampa. Oh, and there's still a chance the Giants will have to beat Minnesota in order to not get the #3 seed.

One last note...
Sure, Giants fans should be happy given that the team won a Super Bowl last year and they're clearly competitive this year. And they should stay competitive into the future, right? Eh, not so much. In 2000, it looked like the Giants would stay a power for years to come with the Collins/Tiki/Toomer/Strahan combo. And in 2002, they had a great end to the regular season, only to get owned by the 49ers and TO in the wild card game. And while the team had Super Bowl aspirations going into 2003, the entire thing completely fell apart, and Fassel, Collins and their Super Bowl aspirations were all history by 2004. All of this is to say that for those who think that the Giants should be contenders for the next 5-6 years with the core of young players, you have every right to think that, and I agree with you. But who knows what the future holds. Fuck it, let's win it all this year.

MONDAY. NIGHT. GAME. OF. THE. YEAR.

Or not.

Cleveland (+15.5) over PHILLY

Philadelphia has a tendency to play as well or as poorly as their opponent, just ask the Giants, Cowboys, and Cincinnati. But recently, they have become the trendy team du jour thanks to their shallacking of the Giants and Cardinals. I don't know much about Cleveland, but as a Giants fan, I know that they tend to show up on Mondays. What's going to happen is a game similar to Jets/Bills where the better team wins, but only because the lesser team blows a lead courtesy of some offensive coaching. And yeah, double digits is too many points for that.

Philly 27
Cleveland 21

Get hyped for the biggest ugly game of the year!