Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Why I'm A Sports Douchebag: Part 5 S.H.M.U.C.K edition

There is a simple fact in life: all hardcore sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags.

Click here to see why Mahatma is a douchebag.
Click here to see why MissMet is a tool.
Click here to see why White Boy South Bronx is a douchebag.
Click here to see why Devo is a douchebag.


- We’ve all heard it, or something along the lines of, “Jet fans are the worst in the league.” I can’t hide from the truth, I am a Jet fan and damn proud of it. We have been bitter and miserable for years now and our patience and demeanor have grown thin. Our only source of satisfaction the past few seasons have been the visual stimulations of boobies being flashed at us fat underachievers inside Gate D. And thanks to Roe v. Wade and other feminist bullshit, we no longer have that too look forward to now either. So please, cut us some slack!

- I, like the rest of Jet nation, cheered when Pennington got hurt in the 2007 season opener against New England. When he limped off the field and Kellen Clemens came jogging in, I believe I chest bumped my roommate. She wasn’t expecting it but I enjoyed it none the less. The game was already lost but I was eager to see what our future was going to look like.

Non-Jet Examples of My Douchebaginess

I grew up a Yankee fan. I know I know, being a Yankee fan in general should automatically necessitate that I’m a douchebag but as a kid, I didn’t know better. Steve Sax, Pat Kelly, Danny Tartabull, Don Mattingly, Mike Stanley, Jim Abbott, Paul O’Neill etc. were some of my favs. After the 1994 baseball strike I simply just lost interest in the sport all together, but I did develop a strong hatred towards the Yankees. Maybe it was because I hated Joe Torre and Derek Jeter. (Editor's note: Do you also hate newborns and little puppies?) Or maybe it was because my brother was a fan and all of a sudden everyone around me became fair-weather Yankee fans (f’in freeloaders). Everywhere I went I was surrounded by pinstripes and NY ballcaps. So why am I a douchebag? Well, I currently don’t have a favorite baseball team. I pretty much just root against the Yankees and all these other overspending teams that can’t win. So I sometimes get the “that’s not fair” comments because they can’t brag about their 26 championships to my teams far less championships. That’s fine by me. Eat me!

- I rode in the back of Devo’s convertible celebrating the Devils 2000 Stanley cup victory. No one in our hometown really cared, nor were they awake. The most logical thing we should have done was try to score some booze and drink in my backyard. Instead, I think we cruised around 7-11 like 10 times and once stopped for Slurpees….faaags.

- I take part in about 5 fantasy football leagues every season (since 2002). People call me crazy. My overall winning percentage is 70% with 17 total football trophies (12 of them in 1st place). I’ve ignored a lady the next morning to steadily watch my stat tracker during the 1:00 games. (Editor's note: For not caring about baseball, you end up in 4 or 5 fantasy baseball leagues each year.)

- I hate losing in video games. I think I've retired after losing in NFL Blitz at least a dozen times. Don’t get me started with my Madden franchises. The TV in my parent’s basement has taken quite a lot of beatings over the years, including once when my Dad got angry at me and my brothers and threw the system out the window. Even with my superb drafting skills, free agency pickups, and completion of all training camp fundamentals I still cannot stop the Patriots from winning the AFC East. I don’t even think HBO would air some of the words and insults that come out of my mouth when I lose.

- If you want to know what SHMUCK really stands for, shoot me an email by sending it to straightupsports@gmail and I’ll tell you.


1 comment:

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