Dear Mr. Met,

Today I went on a job interview, and at the end of the interview, I was asked to write a letter. This could be any kind of letter and to anyone, to prove that I know how to use Microsoft Word and to write. As soon as she told me about this task, I knew that I was going to write a letter to Mr. Met. So, here is what I wrote to him this morning:

Dear Mr. Met,

I would like to take this time to congratulate you and the Mets on the current ten game winning streak. You have all been performing so well throughout. I am very impressed and I think that you deserve a lot of the credit. You take the time to be the best mascot that you can be by using that big head and puffy hands of yours to help root, root, root for the home team. Without you, I am not sure if this would have been able to happen.

I just want to remind you that this recent surge and now tie for first place does not mean the season will be a cake walk from now on. There is still a lot of work to be done, so I don't want you to get overconfident and ruin the team's chances. The season is marathon not a sprint, so please pace yourself.

Thank you for all you have done so far,



MissMet, Ardent Fan

Why Hockey is Boring

With all due respect to my editor, assistant to the editor and Yintzer, Hockey is boring. In Baseball, a base-hit greatly increases the chances a run will score. A different count be it 1-2 vs 3-1 greatly changes the probability that a batter will reach base. Runners being on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out makes the at bat much more exciting than it would be if this same at bat took place with 2 outs and nobody on even if you are in the first inning. Plus, it clearly passes Devo's piss-test. (if you miss 1 pitch because you are pissing, you very well could miss a 2 out three run hr in the top of the 1st which changes the course of the game). Great pitchers sometimes are owned by mediocre hitters (See Joe Mc-ewing vs. Randy Johnson pre-Yanks) and sometimes mediocre pitchers own great lineups (See Oliver Perez vs. New York Yankees of 2007). This stuff is fascinating if you love numbers, stats and you have played the game most of your life. Oh, it does help when your favorite team made the playoffs every year you have rooted for it (this year that ends). However, this post is not a referendum on baseball but rather a criticism of hockey and why it is unwatchable to most of Americans.

(1) There is no clear progress or demarcations towards points being scored- In football there are first downs, in basketball there are baskets every few seconds and in baseball there are walks, basehits, hbp's ext. In hockey, the only thing that approximates this is a power-play or penalty shot. I admit, these are exciting situations. However, 5 on 5 regular season hockey puts me to sleep. Much like Yintzer thinks that baseball is nothing more than pitch, pitch, walk, walk, hit, strikeout. Hockey, to the average american sports fan, is just sending the puck down the ice, chase the puck, line change, send the puck down the ice, a check against the boards, line change zzzzzzzz. Sorry I'm back.

(2) It is a very expensive and difficult game to learn and play- All you need to play basketball is a ball and any playground in America. Baseball requires buying a glove and bat but finding a field is relatively easy. Football follows along the same lines as Baseball. Hockey however is insanely difficult to play. You have to learn how to skate (which is damn near impossible for those of us who have horrendous balance), you need to reserve ice time, (which, as my friends who play it tell me; needs to be done at 5am or late at night) and then you have to buy a stick and join obscure leagues that most towns don't even offer. Many schools don't even have teams. No such trouble for the Big 3. This obviously makes it hard to enjoy watching for the majority of Americans who have never played the sport (ice hockey specifically) even 1 time.

(3) Tie Games or half tie games in sports are immoral- I'm sorry this is obscene. No sporting contest should ever end in a tie or a cop-out of the losing team getting 1 point as is the case in the post Lock-out NHL when a team loses in OT or a shootout. Every sporting event should have a clear loser and winner. The victor should indeed get all the spoils. If the NFL actually had tie games more than once every three years, I'd be as passionately anti-tie in the NFL too. There is something unnatural about leaving a sporting event where your team loses and you say "that's cool, at least we got a point." Imagine if in baseball a team got half a win for extending a game to extra innings. That would ruin the thrill of a walk-off hr in extra frames. To me this ruins regular season hockey games.

A HUUGE CAVEAT TO ALL OF THIS IS HOWEVER, THAT PLAYOFF OVERTIME GAMES ARE THE MOST THRILLING EVENTS IN SPORTS! The idea that at any moment a team can win or lose a game and that this game could end a team's season is captivating. However, this excitement is lost in regular season games where an artificial shootout gives one team a full win and 1 team a half of a win. I know this article will be hated on by my hockey loving co writers and friends but I still express the sentiment of the overwhelming majority of Americans. Regular season hockey is really boring. So is NASCARR and golf, by the way, which I know actually puts me at odds with many of my fellow hockey detractors. But I need not take up any space on this primarily Northeastern Blog with NASCAR stuff.

Why I Hate Baseball

So since this is a New York site primarily, there is quite a bit of talk about the Yankees and the Mets. The truth is though when I read those articles, I really have no idea what they’re talking about because frankly to me baseball is one of the most boring things ever. It’s the daytime soap opera of the sports world (and no, I don’t count curling, that’s an insult to sports) and just fails to capture my interest on every level. Now I know a lot more people watch baseball than my sport of choice hockey, but I don’t care and feel free to make fun of hockey, you wont say anything I haven't heard a hundred times over. So here are the reasons why I hate baseball.


It’s boring as all hell
This is of course the primary reason we as humans don’t watch things. I played baseball when I was a kid and watched it back then too, but then as I grew up I realized “Jesus, nothing is actually happening.” I mean they stand there, pitch, pitch, foul ball, pitch, strikeout, pitch, pitch, pitch, walk… you get the point by now. So when someone actually hits the damn ball people get excited. Why? Because it meant something finally fucking happened that’s why! Honestly, just sit and think about a hit for a moment. A guy standing still just hit a ball. Is that really an exciting thing?


You can be an out of shape fat ass and still be one of the best players in the league
You’re probably saying “football is filled with fat asses!” and yes, that is true. However, that 350lb fat ass can also run you down and break in you half. The baseball fatties? They’re just plain fat, like some middle age drunk that stumbled out of the bar. You see pitchers with these huge guts that even their uniforms cant hide, and wonder how when they pitch their stomach doesn’t make them fall over. Look at the Red $ox David Ortiz a.k.a. Big Fatty. Huge gut hanging out yet heralded as one of the best in the game. This guy cant even run around the bases for god’s sake, it’s like watching an out of breath hippo drag itself along. And if the base coaches want to get him to move faster they are forced to wave twinkies to motivate him to do so. Really, it’s embarrassing.


The designated hitter rule: legal cheating
I distinctly remember one time in little league where my team caught the other cheating. What were they doing? Having one kid pitch and another kid hit in his place because each was better at that those respective duties (for the record instead of making them forfeit we continued the game to show we could still outright beat them which we did). It was forbidden by the rules. Yet somehow this basic rule was cast aside and now instead of making a pitcher hit you can put in someone else. I’m sorry, but that’s not playing the game. Ortiz (sorry, as I don’t watch baseball I don’t really know anyone else)? He doesn’t play baseball. He hits. In order to play baseball he needs to take the field. Of course if they put him out there he’d probably just start grazing but I digress. What if hockey could just throw a third defenseman on the ice? Or a football team an extra receiver? That’s pretty much what you’re doing with baseball.




Things you can do during a baseball game while not actually missing anything:
Read War and Peace
Take a crap and read the paper
Be the thirtieth person in line at the concession stand and make it back to your seat
Have a quickie
Watch the entire North-South mini series
Recover from ACL surgery
Be kidnapped by aliens
Run a marathon

Just some ideas for you.


Economic System? What’s that?
Most sports now have a cap to keep spending out of control, or at least limit the amount of stupid contracts one team can give out. Baseball though only has some pathetic luxury tax that has proven to do absolutely nothing. Now things are to the point where mediocre players get $5mm a year. It’s kind of sad when you think about it.


Pansies
That’s how I see a lot of these players. Not that they don’t have a few bad asses, but when you’re a hockey fan or football fan you know the only way a player is not going back onto that ice/field is if you snap a limb in half or cause severe head trauma. Hell, one of the Penguins player had a broken nose, then took a slap shot to the face that made the remainder of his nose pretty much explode. Ten minutes later after some quick repair he was back on the ice. Don’t really see much of that in baseball.



And did I mention nothing freakin happens during the games?

Suge Knight-McKenzie

I really can't stand airport security or airports in general. Not only did they make me take my sandals off (come on, seriously) but they also threw out all my shampoo because they weren't the mini bottles. I looked at the guy and I said "Jesus Christ look at me dude, I need every drop of that body wash." Now I don't fly very often so this is news to me but man was I pissed, $40 worth of products going in the garbage or probably that guys home.

So you can understand my frustration at this point. And let's not forget that it was 5am and I'm on like 2 hours of sleep, I was flat out pissed. So I go and look at ridiculously overpriced digital cameras around our terminal and on the other side I hear a guy complaining. I look up and it's Robert Kelly arguing with the guy behind the counter with Jim Norton standing behind him watching. Holy SHIT! It's Rich from Lucky Louie and that doochebag who broke his knee on that Fagasm show! (also Opie and Anthony regulars) Stupid me should have bought that expensive ass camera right there and took a picture with them. But I did shake their hands and greet them. They were nice people.

So wow, the last time I saw a celebrity was 12 years ago with Devo and a friend coming back from a LIVE concert in the city. (We were at a McDonalds and waiting in line behind us was Rebecca Lobo. Props to Devo, he was the only one to say anything to her, "You're Rebecca Lobo. You were on the daily show." She replies, "Yea like 3 years ago." Devin says "Heh, yea, cool." And that was it. It was hilarious (probably to just the 3 of us)). Not really a good stat sheet in regards to celeb status but whatever.

On my plane coming home from the Bahamas it became a guessing game on what celebrities were on the plane. My first thought was..."OH SHIT!" Suge Knight is on our plane! But I noticed he wasn't in handcuffs or wearing any conspicuous jewelry (or holding guns for that matter). My brother (die hard Giant fan) thought it was Kareem McKenzie but second guessed himself when he noticed no Superbowl ring. But who would wear a $25,000 ring out in public like that especially when you're in the Bahamas and could lose it quite easily. (Suge Knight would.) So my brother and I boarded the plane. Not only did we now think it was McKenzie but the gentlemen sitting in front of him looked just like Romeo Crennel. The whole time we're thinking why the hell are these guys in the Bahamas and not getting ready for training camp and the preseason? To make a long story short, sure enough, it was both Crennel and McKenzie. We shook hands with the coach and posed for pictures with McKenzie while getting our luggage. But don't worry, I had a Jets chant going soon enough before we all departed. Great way to end an awesome vacation

FANTASY BREAKDOWN (Running Backs)

1. LADANIAN TOMLINSON – It took Norv Turner midway thru last season to realize that when you give LT the ball, you tend to win games. His numbers took a dip from his record setting season in 2006 but he’s a sure thing for 1800 total yds and at least 18TD’s each season.

2. BRIAN WESTBROOK – He is to Donovan McNabb as Kobe is to white bitches. As long as he can stay healthy (and surprisingly for the last 2 seasons) he is a top 3 fantasy running back.

3. JOSEPH ADDAI – Was hurt for a couple of games during last season but did manage to put up 15 TDs. He practically died out the last 4 games of the season but he’s still a top fantasy running back especially running behind that offensive line.

4. STEVEN JACKSON – He’s been my keeper the last 2 years and was a big part of my success in 2006. Last seasons injury hurt my team bad and Brian Leonard just wasn’t cutting it. With Pace back from injury at left tackle Jackson will have plenty more holes to run through this year.

5. MARION BARBER – It’s now his show in Big D. He’ll split carries with Felix Jones but he’s still the goaline back.


Now I know you’re asking, “Where the hell is Adrian Peterson?” and my answer is; step into my office, because you’re still fucking fired! Here are my safeties and doorknobs:

SAFETIES

FRANK GORE – With Martz calling the plays look to see Gore get a lot more of the ball, considering the 49er’s have no wide receivers.

MARSHAWN LYNCH – So now the bills want to include him in the passing game? Now you’re thinking

ADRIAN PETERSON – He’s definitely going to see his load increase this season but can he stay healthy for 16 games? Make sure you draft Chester Taylor in later rounds if AP goes down again because he’ll surely take carries away from him.

CLINTON PORTIS – He’s got some problems holding onto the ball but was a workhorse for the skins last season. Hopefully the help in the passing game can take some pressure off him and the defenses putting 8 in the box.

RYAN GRANT – Probably the best FA pickup on anyone’s team last season. He’ll get the full load this year and as long as he stays healthy he’s a solid pick.

EDGERRIN JAMES – He gets a lot of carries which is good and he manages to stay healthy. I’m positive Whisenhunt will get his shit together and that running game will be a lot better this season.

FRED TAYLOR/MJD – All good things come in pairs. But I stay away from these guys for a reason because you never know whose going to get the ball when you need it. Taylor is the bigger back so expect more carries inside the 5 for him.

BRANDON JACOBS – Slowed by injuries last season and he still had solid numbers. For the big powerful back that he is I’d like to see more TDs come his way and I believe they will. He’ll most definitely double his total from last season (as long as he can stay healthy)

DOORKNOBS

RUDI JOHNSON – He’s falling out of favor with the Bengals. Looks like Kenny Watson might be #1 on the depth chart if Rudi’s injuries and lack of play continue. Stay away from this guy.

TRAVIS HENRY – Is he even signed? I think he’s still a FA. Even so I doubt he’d start anywhere next season, he’d most likely be a backup.

JULIUS JONES – He couldn’t cut it in Dallas and I doubt he’ll do much better in Seattle. Maurice Morris would probably get the goaline calls as well.

RONNIE BROWN – Be careful when you draft him, he’s coming off a leg injury and he might not be back to form right away. I’d take any of the safeties over him if they are still available when you need a back

JUSTIN FARGAS – It might be his show as of now but not for long. McFadden could be the Adrian Peterson of last year so watch out.

LENDALE WHITE – He had a solid season last year but the Titans drafted Chris Johnson with their 1st round pick. Look for his carries to decrease.

DESHAUN FOSTER – Carolina could never get the running game going since Stephen Davis retired. I would stay away from any Carolina back

Things Are Going...Well!?

The Mets just swept a 3 game series from the lowly Giants, right after taking 3 of 4 from the Division-leading Phillies. Did I mention that all six of those wins have come...in a row?! This is truly amazing to me, as the whole team has finally started performing well at the same time. The starting pitching from Perez, Santana and Pelfrey has been stellar. The bullpen has picked each other up after mistakes (cough, Billy Wagner, cough). With Ryan Church on the DL again and Moises Alou maybe not coming back at all, the bench (Chavez, Anderson and TATIS) has been spectacular. Met pitching allowed nine hits over the three games with San Francisco, shutting them out twice. Meanwhile, the team is finally (!) getting two-out hits with runners in scoring position. The team is also scoring a lot of runs and not letting late inning rallies by opposing teams get them down. The last two games of the Phillies series were definitely the most interesting, but the team did not give up, as they might have a month ago. With an 8-2 record in July, I'd have to say that I'm pretty happy...
...which basically means that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will the Rockies come in and sweep? Will the All-Star break take this overdue momentum away from the team? I guess we'll just have to wait and see, but the good news is that the Mets are in this race past the midpoint of the season, and after their rocky start, I can't ask for much more.
BTW
David Wright did not make the All-Star team, but he was one of five players in National League's Final Vote, which the fans get to decide. I think I voted for him about 20 times. The voting just ended, so hopefully he made the team. I don't necessarily think the game is that important (even though it counts now, blah blah), but certain players should get the recognition they deserve.
Later!
~MissMet

Do's and Dont's of Karaoke

Mahatma, White Boy and I went karaokeing recently along with some other friends of mine. It was their second time that week (and it was only Friday) but it was the first time that I had gone in a few years. While there, I quickly learned what to do and what not to do when doing your best Bill Murray Lost In Translation imitation.

To start off, there are 4 types of people in this world.

1) Those who are simply fantastic singers.
2) Those who are adequate singers.
3) Those who aren't good but either think they're good or still try to sound good regardless.
4) Those who aren't good singers, know they're not good singers, and purposefully try to sound like nothing other than the next William Hung.

If you're (1), more power to you. You're a chosen person. (Not a chosen person like White Boy, Yinzer, MissMet, myself or SHMUCK, but I digress.) You have a gift, and it's fantastic to hear you perform in a karaoke bar. But if you're (2) or (3), a word of advice: STOP TRYING TO SOUND GOOD. YOU'RE IN A GODDAMN KARAOKE BAR! DAVID GEFFEN IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR. NEITHER IS SUGE KNIGHT. (Though that might be a good thing as far as Suge is concerned.) So to make a loud and long story short, stop trying to sound good. Hate to break it to you, but you're not. You're in a loud karaoke bar, trying to do your best imitation of a drunk Japanese businessman. Not only don't you sound good, but no one is impressed that you're trying to sound good. So stop.

A few more do's and don'ts:

Don't: Do rock songs with cool riffs.
Unless you want to hear the Sweet Emotion riff on a synthesizer.

Do: Sing in front of strange, drunk, people
This is becoming a conflict amongst my friends and I. Should you do karaoke in a small room with friends or should you perform in a big crowd full of strangers? I'm in the big crowd group, but apparently most of my people are in the small crowd. On the one hand, with the small rooms, you get to sing in front of your friends, and you get more chances to sing. But on the other hand, what's karaoke if you're not singing in front of a group of strangers? And don't discount the fact that the small rooms are replicas of private rooms at a strip club.

Do: Sing with someone who is less coordinated than you.
Because when you're jumping around to Chumbawumba, not looking as cool as you feel, it's comforting to know that the other dude looks worse.

Don't sing by yourself unless you can get the crowd into it.
This reminds me of when I saw a Taiwanese dude sitting at a table all by himself singing some Chinese song with nothing but 12 empties to keep him company. And sorry to say, but it also reminds me of SUS's own White Boy singing Enter Sandman.

Don't do slow songs.
Unless you're guy (4). In that case you should sing "The Reason," by Hoobastank. Sing it loud, and sing it proud.

Tuesday Night Bullshitting w/ Mahatma

First some random tv bits.

I've watched the new Call Girl show on Showtime and i'm liking it. The story follows a call girl based off of this blog which got tons of hype from everyone and their mothers. I think i heard about it on Gawker. It's not on the level of Dexter yet but still better than all the uh reruns on tv?



Speaking of Showtime, Weeds is okay for me so far. Nothing approaching season two's creamy level of goodness but still it's going.



Batman is looking nasty. The hype this movie is getting is disgusting as opening night is already sold out in places. Here's a trailer for you and yes I'm psyched for Heath Ledger's performance.




On the other side of the coin, there is Tila Tequila. Please just go away. Apparently, she got served by some chick on her show. Hell yes!


I need to watch tv again so send me some suggestions


Sports stuff

The Winter Classic might be going to Chicago next year for Blackhawks/Redwings at Wrigley. The thought of seeing a hockey game at Wrigley would be dope but if the NHL is all about profit and money etc wouldn't it make more sense to have it at a football stadium with more suites, seats and sight lines?Ah well, I guess the Boston Bruin/ NY Rag game @ Yawnk off Stadium isn't going to happen. BOOO!

Let's hear from Sean Avery who apparently now plays for the Dallas Stars.


Thanks Sean. Hopefully you can continue to intern at Vogue: Dallas.

Rags also lost Jaromir Jagr who knows goes to Russia. More on that later as sadly it might be the last time we see him in the NHL.

Wimbledon 2008 final was probably the best match ever according to some. I wish i saw it...

Olympics are just around the corner but I got to say the Olympics were way better as a kid. First off, we had no school/work to worry about and we could follow all our favorite athletes all the time. Anyway, its better than nothing.


Brett Favre ponders comeback. Lord knows we truly need him being discussed again for 20+ minutes on ESPN. I guess you do have to find a way to get Mark Schlereth off the streets.



Apparently, Ron Mexico is in trouble again. Douchebag.


In other news, 14 year old boy masturbates excessively.


Finally, I can't wait to be a parent for times like these:

Hello therapy.

Olive Perez: Exposed!!!! okay maybe just kind of figured out

I have an unhealthy obsession for or rather a frustrating pre-occupation with Oliver Perez. Any pitcher who has a 4.62 era this season yet has an amazing 1.84 era against my favorite team will make me a little nuts. Couple this with the fact that this pitcher is on the Mets, a team who I have no love for, and you have the perfect recipe for making me infuriated by an athlete. So since I am kind of bored and waiting for summer baby-sitting and mentoring gigs to commence until school starts, I thought I'd explore why Oliver Perez kills my team and what this may mean about him in general.

1). He is great against strong offenses who also happen to be rivals- In addition to his paltry 1.84 era against my Yanks this season and 1.20 era against the Yanks in 2007, he has been dominant this year against the rival Phillies going 1-0 with a perfect 0.00 era in three starts. This should have been 2-0 if not for Billy "Chokejob" Wagner coughing up a 2 strike 2 out bomb to Jason Werth yesterday.His dominant performances, particularly this season, against the two powerful lineups of Philly and New York AL, belie his overall 4.62 era. This tells me that Oliver Perez is like a child with ADHD. He has a very high threshold for excitement perhaps an exceedingly high threshold. In other words, he needs to be in big time games that have lots of scrutiny, excitement and energy around them. Only in this high intensity environment will Oliver have the motivation to succeed. Some might say his salary should be enough motivation and I do not disagree, still its noteworthy that his greatest successes this season have come against the two teams Mets fans most want to beat.

2) He is much much better against lefty hitters- Oliver has compiled an impressive .291 On-base percentage against this year against Lefty hitters. This is far superior to his .368 On-base percentage allowed to righty bats. In addition, his 3.96 era vs lefty batters is solid where as his 4.85 era vs righties is well below the league average. This is somewhat expected given that he is of course a lefty hurler himself but it further explains why he dominates the lefty heavy Yankees offense and a Phillies offense that is very much reliant upon the power of lefty batters Ryan Howard and Chase Utley. He throws a wicked slider which has consistently fooled the likes of Howard and Giambi in his 5 total starts against the Yanks and Phils.

What does this mean?- This means that Oliver Perez is just one of those guys that is a big stage pitcher but not a money pitcher. These two things are not necessarily identical. A money pitcher wins a game whenever his team really needs it. Whether or not this game is in September against a bad 2007 Marlins team or a game 7 in 2006 against the Cardinals. A money pitcher like Curt Schilling or John Smoltz would dominate in both situations. Oliver Perez only dominated in the latter spot and got had in the former. Oliver Perez needs a full ballpark with an exciting crowd, hoards of media and spotlights from all over the country or at least the NY area shining upon him to be at his best. This is why he is a big-state pitcher but not a money pitcher. So if you are the Mets, make sure every game Perez pitches is sold out, loud and has lots of extra media around; if you do this Oliver might become a perennial 18-20 game winner instead of a 13-15 win guy like he is now. He has that kind of stuff. If the Mets organization does not help Oliver in the aforementioned ways (and I don't see why Met fans wouldn't come on a soggy Wednesday night against the juggernaut Mariners) then perhaps the Yanks can take a flyer on him this off-season. Every Yankee game is sold out and the crowd is always pretty raucous. Hmmmm.......