SHMUCKS PICKS (10-17-3)

NEW YORK JETS (-3.5) vs. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Here are some interesting facts: Jets are 0-3 on the west coast so far and 1-5 when they don’t play at 1:00pm. Great! Now they travel to “I want to kill myself because of all this rain” Seattle (also called False Start Qwest Field) and the kick off is @4. And to make matters worse it’s Mike Holmgren’s farewell game as Seattle’s head coach so you can imagine that all the Seahawk players are going to be fired up and will give it their best for him and their last home game of this season. All-in-all it’s not looking to bright for the Jets. Last week they barely escaped with a win against a Bills team on the steady decline. As a Jet fan I am letting personal feelings getting in the way of my pick here. If Mangini wants a job he better have his team ready tomorrow or I can guarantee you he’s on the hot seat all next season and will be the first coach fired.

Jets 30, Seahawks 20

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-8) vs. ARIZONA CARDINALS

The Jets and Dolphins will be watching this game closely. A loss by the Patriots makes their matchup next week even more important; the winner will decide who wins the AFC East. If Jets win against Seattle and the Dolphins they clinch. If Jets lose today and Patriots lose, Miami will need to win and beat the Jets next week. Complicated? Not really, the Jets just better fucking win that’s all.
Anquan Boldin might be out for this game which hurts the Cardinal passing attack. This game still will be an offensive juggernaut with both offenses having lots of success with the pass. Patriots are probably going to finish 11-5 along with the Dolphins and not make the playoffs (soooo great!). Patriots win this won by 10

Patriots 41, Arizona 31

Devo's Week 16 Picks (15-15)

Leaders come in all shapes and sizes. Some, like Derek Jeter, lead by example. Others, like Michael Strahan lead by being the vocal type. And others, like yours truly, lead by spending their two picks on the Detroit and Miami games. Why Detroit and Miami? Well, we at Fredo picks can only make so many jokes about Detroit being a shitty town in need of a bailout and Miami having hot women. I'm just going to assume that Mahatma's and BH's thank you notes are in the mail.

Onto the picks!

Miami (-3.5) over KANSAS CITY

Here's my question with Kansas City. Herm Edwards seemingly manages to give an inspirational speech after every game. So while Herm is telling his team why they play, what do you tell your team after a tough loss to a tissue-soft San Diego Chargers team? What do you tell your guys when you get outcoached by Norv Turner? And not for nothing, but isn't being outcoached by Norv Turner's Chargers kind of like losing a mob war to the Corleones, only if Fredo was boss? Was there even a postgame speech, or was there just an unspoken agreement between players and coach that the less said, the better? Miami won't blow Kansas City out, but they'll show up. That by itself should be enough for a 4 point win.

Miami 17
Kansas City 13

DETROIT (+7) over New Orleans

Look, Detroit is not going 0-16. I'm not going to sit here and say that with a few lucky breaks they'd be a playoff game, but 16-0 just isn't the sort of thing that happens. And how will Detroit defeat New Orleans, you ask? Well, if Detroit shuts down the running game, forces Brees into a few timely interceptions and takes advantage of a defense so bad that you'd think it was coached by Herm Edwards, then Detroit could possibly pull-eh, ya know what? No, no Detroit can't.
Correction: New Orleans (-7) over DETROIT
Drew Brees will throw for a Peyton Manning-meaningless 400 yards and this won't be close. Maybe Detroit gets 21 points. Congrats.

New Orleans 52
Detroit 21

Belichick Seeks to Motivate Cassel

At today’s press conference, Bill Belichick was asked to address the primary question going into this week’s game against the Arizona Cardinals: how is Matt Cassel going to play?

Cassel had the worst showing of his career against the Pittsburgh Steelers three weeks ago, then was barely able to pull out a win against the flightless Seahawks. Then tragedy struck with the death of his father. He rebounded that week with a four touchdown performance against the Raiders that once again got everyone abuzz about the first year starter. But Patriots head coach Bill Belichick didn’t brush off the apparent coincidence of Cassel’s performance in relation to the death of a family member, especially after two weeks of struggling play.

“We’re going to keep killing people he loves.” Belichick said at his latest press conference. “You can’t ignore the direct correlation between his grief and his play. In order to keep that up, we’re going to have to keep him depressed.”

When asked how he plans to go about killing everything Cassel holds dear, Belichick responded “it’s a team effort. We’re a team, we work together, we all put in the effort. No one person can do it.” He continued, “This isn’t something we have a lot of experience with. I’ve gotten in touch with guys like Ray Lewis, who has been a big help. He’s given us a lot of tips on how to avoid conviction without spending millions.”

While murder is normally frowned upon by the media and fans, nearly every outlet has thrown their full support behind Belichick, praising him for his originality in motivation and his willingness to do whatever it takes to win.

“The move is pure genius.” Chris Berman of ESPN said. “Only a genius like Belichick would be able to plan and execute such an intricate scheme. It goes to show why he is the greatest coach ever.”

Belichick made it clear nothing was safe. “We’ll kill the girl he lost his virginity to. Childhood sweetheart? Gone. I don't care.” But he admitted there is more to the situation than just killing. “There is strategy involved; I mean who do you kill when? Obviously, we’re going to save the more important people for the tougher games. We’re not going to kill his mom to beat the Bengals or the Raiders. We’re saving her for Super Bowl. Bad teams, we’ll just kill a neighbor, or a distant cousin. I don't know, we don't have it fully planned out. But if I have to feed his goldfish until it explodes, so be it.”

Matt Cassel was not available for comment, leaving the team for family reasons earlier in the day.

For the Record: Its Pronounced Puts

As in JJ Putz down batters in the 8th inning to set up the 9th for K-Rod.
This post is to show that I am still alive in the Blogosphere and that I can still think of baseball as we are getting hammered with almost a foot of snow.

Happy Shoveling!

~MissMet

Is this over yet? FREDO PICKS 16

So Devo is probably winning the Fredo picks competition. I'm sure he is going to enjoy his new SUS stock options.

So, I know you all are probably annoyed reading this but trust us when we say it's hard finding things to say about Detroit, Houston, Jacksonville, Cleveland every week. Actually, it's quite painful and I'd rather have needles shoved into my nether regions.

Cincinnati (+3) at Cleveland
Devo: It takes me about 10 minutes to accurately spell the town where the Bengals play. Pick: Cleveland.

Mahatma: Cleveland is the mistake on the lake and all but in Cincy the big thing is playing CORNHOLE. Unless this is prison, that's that a not a good thing.... Pick: Cleveland.

BH: Strange spaghetti chili vs. Rock n Roll HoF. Who did they have to kill to get that museum? Pick: The Cleve.

San Francisco (-5.5) at St. Louis
Devo: I had a hot boss from St. Louis. Cue all the "what was his name?" jokes. Pick: St. Louis.

Mahatma: I had a hot boss from San Francisco. Cue all the "what was his name?" jokes. Pick: San Fran

BH: All the hot bosses Ive had were women, but one was from STL. Pick: STL

Houston (-7) at Oakland
Devo: Houston is the largest city that noone has any reason to visit. Pick: Oakland

Mahatma: Still way better than Oakland where the only reason to visit is to get raped by a bunch of hicks wearing the "Legion of Doom" spikes Pick: Houston

BH: Oakland gave us MC Hammer. Houston gave us Enron. Pick: Houston

Buffalo (+6.5) at Denver
Devo: It snows like 9 months out of the year in both of these cities. But Denver was smart enough to grow mountains instead of wings. Pick: Denver

Mahatma: Buffalo Wings > Coors Light for the sole reason that the carrots and celery are good for you. Pick: Buffalo!

BH: Colorado has beer, steaks, pot, hot hippies and big mountains. Buffalo has...a football team...for now. Pick: Denver

San Diego (+3.5) at Tampa Bay
Devo: And if Houston is the biggest city noone cares about, I'm pretty sure Tampa is in the top 5. Pick: San Diego

Mahatma: DRAYS > Padres Pick: Tampa

BH: Two warm weather meccas. Im letting my name guide me and going with the hillbilly town. Pick: Tampa

Green Bay (+4) at Chicago
Devo: A rule I learned while living in the scenic slums of Allston, MA: You generally don't want to live in a city after BH is done with it. Pick: Green Bay

Mahatma: Chicago has deep dish pizza. Sorry random Packer fans we drank with but Chicago pizza shits on all. Pick: Chicago

BH: A cardiac surgeons dream game. I think Green Bay is probably fatter. Pick: Bay of Green

week 16 picks (15-11)

Philadelphia (-5.5) at Washington-

Washington has completley fallen apart. I told Devo throughout the season that this team was a fraud and indeed it is/was. Its QB and its entire offense has been steadily collapsing and its defense, while talented, always does just enough to lose. Philly is going the other way. It has been red hot and is playing great on both sides of the ball. Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid have discovered that if you run the ball 30-35 times with a superstar back, people are open when you pass the ball. Philly will dominate this game on both sides of the ball. Case closed. THE PICK: EAGLES (28-9)

Carolina Panthers (+3) at New York Giants -

The Panthers team is hot. Its defense is very talented and, while not overwhelming opposing offenses, it is hitting the quarterback and doing enough to win each and every game. The Giants suddenly has reverted to its 2006 ways. It is doing just enough to lose every game and has forgot how to tackle. Pierce is lost. His head is not in the game. That won't work well against the best little receiver in the game Steve Smith. Speaking of Steve Smith, our Steve Smith needs to start getting open more as does Amani "well dressed"Toomer and Dominick "I'm not Plaxico" Hixon. Yea I'm already bitter after a two game losing streak. But seriously, my confidence is shot. Smith should have a field day as should the duo of Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart against our possibly Fred Robbins less front 7. I hope I'm wrong but I don't see this ending well. THE PICK: PANTHERS (21-18)

The King's Essence

Well Burger King has the gift for you...

Burger chain markets meat scent

called Flame, the company says the spray is "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat".

The scent is on sale in New York for $3.99 (£2.65) and through a website that features a variety of romantic images - but no actual burgers.

Well this is just great. You know when I go out to all the hotspots in NYC, I'm just dying to smell like greasy fast food burgers. Screw all these Gorgio Armani, Calvin Klein shits. I'm all about smelling like the fucking Whopper. I mean you can't spell seduction without flame broiled can you? What girl in their right mind would turn me down now?

For the record, you could probably save the $4 bucks and roll around in a dumpster behind a local Burger King near you for the same results.

Here's the website for those curious enough..strange.

Facebook is EVIL

TERRANCE IS GOING PRO



UPDATE: The Birminham News' Ian Rapoport says the "going pro" message on Cody's page was courtesy of ... a prankster girlfriend?

Alabama nose tackle Terrence Cody is returning to Alabama for his senior season. The All-American nose tackle said he's not submitting his information to the NFL draft advisory board, though he did consider it.

If you're friends with him on Facebook, you would have noticed last night that his status message said, "Terrence Cody... is going pro."

The result was a tremendous joke, one that may not have been funny to Tide fans."All right, my girlfriend was on my account last night, and she put that on there, and everybody started freaking out," Cody said, clearly amused, though maybe slightly embarrassed. "I was on the phone with her when she put it on, and two minutes after that, I got message after message after message with everybody freaking out."

Now we got all this bullshit about people going PRO and shit. Let this be a lesson for all those of you who are going pro in the next couple of months, like Boy, White who busy training for his NFL career and is ready to announce it to the world. Keep those Facebook pranksters away! Personally, I'll find it more funny if Mt. Cody breaks up with his girl right after he signs his NFL contract and than honey has to find a real job. That's a true prankster right there.

But on the other hand, I'm disgusted. What the hell type of shit is this. Remember when the world did not revolve around status messages? Remember when Facebook was just a way to remember who the girl was in your Rhetoric class. Those were the days. Alas Facebook has turned from stalking vehicle to contest for greatest status message.

This reminds me I have to change my status. LOLZ!

MAHATMA PICKS THE GAME OF THE AMERICAN FOOTBALL UNIVERSE (20-12)

Pittsburgh Steelers (+2) @ Tennessee Titans

THE BATTLE FOR HOMEFIELD. Why isn't this f'n game on Sunday night. We already saw the Giants last week why again? Oh apparently, CBS had this game as one of their UNFLEXABLE games so go figure. I guess paying 2 billion+ does have its perks.

Alas, scheduling boners aside, I'm amped for this game. This is going to be DRAG em out into the water and drown them. I felt the Steelers should win this game even with Albert Haynesworth and Kyle Vanden Bosch but with both missing I like the Steelers chances even more.

For a team playing the hardest schedule in 25+ years, and being 11-3 should give all the Yinzers hope for #6. Except objectivelly speaking this is a truly bad offense led by an offensive coordinator who picks plays out of a hat and 2 of the worst offensive linemen in the league. As a result, they can't run or throw but they still win. I actually expect the Steelers offense to show up. They have improved overall but are just prone to horrendous lapses -- either missed blocking assigments, Roth missing reads, dropped passes, etc. BUT, the potential is there and if they get it together strikes look out.



The Titans are too one dimensional to do enough damage against the Steelers. The biggest thing the Titans need to do is to get Chris Johnson in space. He is the only one that can do damage to this defense. I look for a lot of swing passes and screens to take advantage of the blitz happiness the Steelers use in the same veign the Pats and Cowboys used. Outside of that
the Titans should have trouble. If Jeff Fisher were smart and he is, I'd actually begin to use Vince Young in a various packages. I mean sure he's depressed but come on boy, it's time to nut up.

Regardless, this is going to be a close game again until the Steelers pull away in the 4th.
Yep, I'm a homer.



Pittsburgh Steelers - 27
Tennessee Titans - 14

They Still Are Who We Thought They Were

Another game done and another journeyman quarterback looking like Peyton Manning courtesy of the Jets defense. If any team is looking to develop one of their quarterbacks, all you have to do is start’em against the Jets. Listening to fans outside the stadium telling me how much the pass defense sucks last weekend was preposterous and got me a little annoyed. Get your facts straight! It’s not always the secondary that’s the problem. In fact, Losman was 24 for 39, 148yds, 1 TD and 3 INT’s. To me those stats indicate pretty stellar secondary defense. The run defense on the other hand, was simply horrific. I believer Marshawn Lynch had like 100yds on 6 carries midway thru the second quarter. What happened to the 4th best rushing defense in the league? That shit was gone like a fart in the wind by week 13! And don’t get me started on the bad tackling. Stop going for the ball all the time. Wrap up the legs and bring your man down! Fred Jackson was stopped around the 5yd line but he just kept pushing the pile. The man is like 5’8 and 200lbs!!! Sit on him Pouha! I know it’s been a long season and heading into the final stretch no coach is going to spend time in practice on basic fundamental tackling skills. But Mangini and Co. can’t overlook how horrendous the defense has been; maybe they should consider it.
How about them short practices? That approach didn’t seem to resolve their issues on offense and defense. Can we now say that the problem is coaching just as much as it’s the players not performing? I think Darrelle Revis (pro bowl, DB, nice) has the right idea; the defense is looking to make a turnover instead of wrapping up, tackling and playing hard nosed football. Teams like the Steelers, Ravens, Giants, and Bears etc. play hard nosed football on defense all season long and I never see them slow down. Why are the Jets? Is this defense really nothing without Kris Jenkins at NT? The answer is….yes….damn. Players like Albert Haynesworth and Kris Jenkins are vital to their team’s success. I’m not sure about the Titans but the d-line depth for the Jets is pretty thin.
How does Dick Jauron still have a job? Well, I sure hope he does especially if he makes more bad calls like that while playing against the Jets. Thank you sir, for you have saved the Jets playoff chances once again.
Overall, this is what I liked and disliked about the game:

GOOD:

Leon Washington – only one carry but boy was it huge, a 47yd scamper for a TD before the half.

Calvin Pace – 2 sacks for the game and probably one of the only guys on defense who haven’t slowed down.

David Clowney – Spectacular first NFL one-handed catch by this young man. Jets need more weapons. This one has been sitting on the bench for too long

O-Line – No sacks, no hits, 140yards rushing. This unit is finding a consistent groove week in and week out

David Harris – Just glad to see you back man.

Abram Elam – Jets needed a play and he made one with the sack and forced fumble. Of course it didn’t hurt that Jauron was a moron for calling such a play

BAD:

Brett Favre – He’s obviously hurt and he’s afraid to take too many chances. 1 passing touchdown in your last 3 games is horrible. This future hall of famer is getting out performed by all his counterparts, including backups

Mike Westhoff – Burned again by another fake punt; first vs. Denver and now Buffalo costing the Jets. Both teams went on to score touchdowns later on those drives.

D-Line – Kris Jenkins can’t do it all. He has been apparently for the first 12-13 weeks of the season but god damn the man is only human! Help him out Bowens, Ellis, Pouha Coleman etc.!

Schottenheimer – Most teams are putting extra attention on Leon Washington when he’s on the field and rightfully so; the man is dangerous. But yet he keeps finding ways to get in the endzone and make plays. Keep that kid in there. Need another weapon? Paging Mr. Clowney…Mr. Clowney….

So in the end it was “pot luck” the Jets got the victory in that game. This week against Seattle (of course another west coast game where the Jets are already 0-3) won’t get any easier. It’s the last home game for Mike Holmgren and I’m sure the Seattle players will want him to go out flying high. The Jet morale is low and I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared. “Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!”

No Shit Sherlock of the Week

Want to marry a doctor? Survey shows most do

SINGAPORE (Reuters Life!) – It really does pay to be a doctor, with an international survey showing the medical profession is the most trusted, among the most admired and includes the most eligible marriage partners.

By contrast, actors and musicians, along with journalists and advertisers, were among professionals that people trusted the least, and were also least likely to choose a partner from, according to a survey by Synovate, the market research arm of Aegis Group plc.

"Much of who we are is tied up in what we do in the hours from nine to five, and often way beyond," a Synovate statement said.

"Asking someone what they do for a living is often the first question you ask them; right after 'what's your name?'."

The survey polled about 5,500 respondents in Brazil, Canada, China, France, Malaysia, South Africa and the United States.

WOW. In earth-shattering news, people want to marry Doctors. Gee I wonder why?

Here I was thinking that everyone wants to marry Burger Engineers. Sadly those burger engineers are much better than those dirty advertisers.

damn

BH explains why he's a (sports) douchebag

There is a simple fact in life: all hardcore sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags.

Click here to have Yinzer tell you why he's a sports douchebag.

Click here to have SHMUCK tell you he's a sports douchebag.

Click here to see why Mahatma is a sports douchebag.

Click here to see why MissMet is a sports tool.

Click here to see why White Boy South Bronx is a sports douchebag.

Click here to see why Devo is a sports douchebag.

I have no faith in my teams- Every drop back for a pass, every odd-man rush, every crucial at-bat, I expect disaster. Where failure is possible, I believe my teams will rise to the occasion and drop the ball. In 5 years of Ben Roethlisberger's career, I have not drawn a breath between the moment he throws a pass and the moment the ball is either caught or drops to the ground. I try to project an air of confidence to the outside world but it's all a sham to fool myself into not making a scene. Hockey is the worst, as I've learned over the years with goalies like David Aebisher and Sean Fields in net, disaster is only a moment away and I cringe inside at every shot on goal. Constant muttering goes hand in hand with this and only the presence of bigger douchebags (hey Mahatma!) will make me seem the least bit positive. I guess that makes me a grumpy douchebag.

I have a compulsive need for sports memorabilia- I have the greatest football jersey in the history of football jerseys, a #88 Lynn Swann throwback. Why is it great? I've yet to see anyone else with one, I get complimented on it nearly every week at Steeler bars and it's nice to pay tribute to one of the legends of football history. And yet not a week goes by that I don't troll the internet for new jerseys like a bored married man cruising "erotic services" on Craigslist or creeping slowly through Hunts Point. It's a seedy practice and it makes me feel like I'm cheating on my jersey, but I cant help it. We've all seen the NFL Shop commercial with the room decked out in Steeler gear, frankly it has inspired me to recreate that exact scene in my home one day(minus Steely McBeam of course). But its not just Steeler stuff, I have boxes of Penguins, Avalanche, Broncos and WVU gear sitting in boxes in my parents' attic. Most of it I have outgrown (physically and mentally; I don't need my Starting Lineup or hockey puck collection scaring people away). It takes all my willpower to prevent myself from buying t-shirts or other crap when I'm on various college campuses and I've got a hat or shirt from most professional teams in the various cities I've lived in/near. Mind you, I've never cheered for the Orioles in my life, but I've still got a sweet old school hat of theirs. I don't know if this makes me a sports douchebag or just a run-of-the-mill commercial douchebag, but I'm a douchebag nonetheless.

I can dish it out, but have a hard time taking it- Yes, I am a sensitive man of the new millennium, especially when it comes to my teams. I get angry and spiteful when my boys are ridiculed by strangers, especially ones wearing opposing teams colors. Not just when I'm a fan either. All my friends from Hillbilly-land remember my profanity laced tirade launched at a car full of opposing soccer players in front of my parents. Yes, I'm a good sport. And a douchebag.

I judge people based on the teams they root for- I noticed everyone sort of put this one down, so I guess its a common sentiment. I don't need to elaborate further than to say I will hang out with a bible-thumping born again conservative before I will hang out with a Ravens or Red Wings fan.

-BH

For the 4 of you that will watch this game... MAHATMA's THURSDAY NIGHT HAPPY HOUR PICK (20-11)

Indianapolis Colts (-6) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Ok let me go on record as saying the Colts really should be the favorites to come out of the AFC. Sure, beating The Lions barely, Pittsburgh barely, Houston barely, Minnesota barely, Houston again barely, San Diego barely, New England barely, and Cleveland barely but that's okay. With this impressive streak, The Colts are poised to clinch a playoff birth yet again. But hold the phone.

The Jags always play the Colts tough. They might have found a receiver last week in Dennis "Drop" Northcutt who amazingly caught the ball and lit up the Packers last week. You'd figure The Jags would nut up and try to fight for their jobs but alas they haven't and with word coming out of Gregg Williams departure, MLB Mike Petersen's departure, the Jags responded last week. Rashean Mathis is out this week so that could mean trouble unless Jones Drew and the Jagoffs control the ground. I think they can. Colts should also get Bob Sanders and Joe Addai back too. That can only help. Still though being a 6 point home dogs to a divisional rival, that's too much.

Indianpolis - 24
Jacksonville - 20

The Return of the SUS Premium Cableologist

Have you people seen House of Saddam yet? For those out of the loop, it's the BBC/HBO 4 part, 4 hour miniseries based on the rise and fall of Saddam Hussein Al-Tikriti. A few thoughts:

SPOILER ALERT!

-The best way to describe the quality of this mini-series, like any good piece of art, is to compare it to its contemporaries. Along those lines, it's not The Wire, it's not first 3 seasons of Sopranos, but it's probably better than the John Adams miniseries. So the big question on your mind is, "Premium Cableologist, where does it rate in comparison to the greatest war miniseries ever created, Band of Brothers?" And that's the main weakness of this miniseries-Band of Brothers was thirteen one-hour episodes, which gave the viewer the feeling that they were watching everything that Easy Company did in Europe. The main problem with this miniseries is that it's 4 hours, not 13. Some of the notable things that aren't covered include all of Saddam's life before coming to power, much of the Iran-Iraq war, the assassination attempt of Uday, and much of the gassing of the Kurds. It instead picks and chooses among a handful of pivotal moments from 1979 when he came to power until his hanging in 12/06. The selected scenes are fantastic, but one gets the feeling that there is much more to the story not being told.

-That said, the best thing about this miniseries is that every time someone befriends Saddam, you know they're going to die, the question is simply when. Not for nothing, but this could lead to some fantastic gambling. For example, my dad and I guessed the over/under of the first televised death. Like i said, fantastic gambling opportunities for the addicted.

-A lot of Godfather parallels. 3 that come to mind:
1. The opening scene involves Saddam and his underlings plotting a coup in one room while his daughter has one of the more insane birthday parties of any 7 year old.
2. There's a scene where Saddam and Chemical Ali are walking in a hallway and Saddam is explaining how he gave his word to his daughters that he would not kill his traitor sons-in-law. So while walking in the hallway, Saddam gives a historic reference in which the main gist is that Chemical Ali must kill Saddam's in-laws for the good of the country. Very similar to Robert Duvall's scene where he insinuates that Frank Pantangelli should kill himself and his family would be justly compensated. (Godfather scene is here, but it's also in Spanish. Sorry.)
3. There's a scene in which Uday, Qusay, await Saddam for his birthday and gather around the dinner table to discuss the recent attack on Pearl Harb-er, ok, that may not have happened.

-And speaking of the sons, let's get to the most interesting aspect of the Hussein regime, shall we? So ok, these fellas first came to my attention in a Maxim article that I can't find a link to, but it basically compared the Hussein boys, Uday and Qusay, to Sonny and Michael Corleone. Uday, the older child, was seen as the successor, but with a penchant for violence and women that was sure to get him in trouble. Qusay was the younger, quieter, smarter son who became the heir apparent when his father realized that he was smart and his older brother was near retarted.

-Now, I don't know how much of this is poetic license and how much of this is accurate, but I'm just going to compare the sons as portrayed in this movie to the Corleones. First, Uday, aka Santino, was made to look a lot more like Fredo, only if Fredo had a penchant for cocktail waitresses AND guns. I'm not saying that this portrayal is or isn't accurate, but Uday seemed somewhat retarted, especially during peacetime Iraq.

-Now, as far as offspring as dictators go, Qusay, or at least the idea of Qusay, was always my favorite. The Maxim article portrayed him as being Saddam's bodyguard, doing EVERYTHING necessary to keep the empire alive. But in the movie, Qusay was basically portrayed as a scared pussy. He was introduced during the second of the four episodes, during the buildup to the first Gulf War, and he had a scared look on his face. Remember when you were told there was no Santa Claus? Now imagine discovering this truth over the course of a 30 minute drama, and that sums up my disillusionment with the artist formerly idolized as Qusay. Over the final two episodes, Qusay clearly gained power and lost the scared look on his face, but his utter ruthlessness was never shown in a way that I was hoping for.

-The best way to describe Qusay is by referencing the Simpsons. And since Fox apparently took down all of the Simpsons youtube clips, you'll have to make do with my description. Remember when the Japanese Yakuza gets into a fight with Fat Tony and the Italian Mafia on the Simpsons' front lawn? There's a Yakuza guy standing off to the side and Homer basically says something along the lines of "I want to see what that guy's gonna do! He's gonna do something cool and we're gonna miss it if we go inside!" And Homer goes inside and you hear the Yakuza boss take down most of the Italians in one fell swoop. Let's just say I expected Qusay to be like the Yakuza boss, and I was thoroughly disappointed this time around.

-And lastly, Saddam had two daughters that were never talked about. I've never seen actual photos of them, but if they're as hot in real life as they are in the mini-series, well, you can accuse Saddam of many things, but you can't accuse him of bad genes.

Who would ever think that 11-3 could suck so much? A Giants/Cowboys Recap

I hate these Sunday Night Giant games when I make the intelligent move of driving from NJ to the Upper East Side to watch. At best, I get home around 1am, pass out, only to wake up at 4am to the sweet smell of victory and the not-so-sweet feeling of bar-food heartburn. And frankly, it's much more of the latter than the former. A loss like last night? The bar food heartburn doesn't go away, but the sweet smell of victory sure as hell does.

But on the plus side, we have an excuse to not go to Blondie's anymore. I started going there because a few friends of mine watched the playoff run last year and wanted to continue with the good luck. As the season has gone on, I've come to realize that we spend our Sundays at a bar with 1) no HDtvs, 2)lousy food, and most importantly, 3)beer that isn't as cheap as most bars on a football Sunday. Basically the only thing that kept us going there was White Boy and my undefeated record at this place. Now? We go elsewhere. At least something positive came from the evening.

And with that said, let's recap this bitch Good/Bad/Ugly style, with much more emphasis on the latter two.

The Good.
-Say what you want about the Giants defense, but they took Marion Barber III out of the game, and his replacement wasn't much of a factor until the 4th quarter.

-This could've just been me, but it sure looked like the Giants got their pass rush back. Next, it's time to force some fumbles.

-T.O. looked like crap for most of the game. He had a few catches, but also had a few drops and slid short of a first down, Derrick Ward style. Apparently some drunk asshole thought T.O. was Kanye West and started shouting "T.O. hates White People!" This was somewhat funny the first time it was yelled and became annoying when it was shouted the other 10 times during the game. By the way, I'm 92% sure that asshole was me.

-Corey Webster, shutdown corner, buy yourself a house. Homeboy just got a 5 year deal which saves him from impending unrestricted free agency. Smart signing by the golden GM. Now Reese needs to work on contracts for Jacobs and Toomer, in that order.

The Bad

Wow. Where to start, let's do this methodically. First the offense...

-The Giants were winning games over the last calendar year because of the offensive and defensive lines. That was totally where they lost this game. Eli was hit on every play and sacked on every other dropback. And Derrick Ward had to make a few Cowgirls miss just to get back to the line of scrimmage.

-Yeah, this team misses Plax. There's some serious problems with what Plax did to this team, but let's start with the most basic: NO ONE ON THIS TEAM IS GETTING OPEN. Hixon may soon become a featured receiver, but he needs to start playing like it.

-This team needs Brandon Jacobs to win. I said earlier this season that Jacobs was good, but that Bradshaw, after last year's playoff run was possibly better. Not true. Bradshaw is a solid runner, but Jacobs may be one of the five most feared running backs in the game when healthy. The Giants need Jacobs back for the Carolina game and should then rest him the next three weeks until Arizona or Atlanta come to town in the 2nd round.

-No legit offensive touchdowns in the last few weeks. This could fall under ugly, but there's enough to put into that category. Forget about the fact that Eli is killing fantasy owners in their playoffs. (See: Boy, White) Eli is reverting back to last year when his instincts were simply awful. What bothered me as much as anything was the few passes that he threw that nearly hit Boss in the back. Someone there isn't on the right page, probably Boss actually, but it needs to be remedied. Sooner than later.

-Bottom line, in years past, this team has been able to put up 30 points against Dallas. They should have certainly been able to put up 20-25 points on these guys, even without Plax and Co.

As for the defense...

-Romo didn't really kill them for most of the game, but it sure seemed like guys were open. I love our cornerbacks and think that they're going to be good for years to come, but they needed to provide better coverage.

-So I'm assuming that Fred Robbins is hurt? It's amazing how little you hear about this injury. And it's also amazing how much better this team seems to play when he plays. Put this man in the Pro Bowl. Now. The unsung hero of this team.

-If the defense held the Cowboys in the fourth quarter, if they prevent Jason Witten from getting that final first down, Eli has a chance to win the game. And say what you want about Eli, but this wouldn't be the first time he's looked lousy all game only to rock a 2-minute drill for the win. But the defense couldn't get it done.

-And the reason they didn't? Pierce has been lousy recently. But let's save that for the ugly.

And lest we spare the coaching, let's talk about them for a second...

-How often, Jason Sehorn aside, do guys get hurt returning kicks and punts? Hixon has proven to be a difference maker returning kicks, but the Giants not only keep him away from returns, but they also shelve Bradshaw from return duties in order to keep them fresh and injury free. Instead, the Giants have had Sinorice Moss and R.W. McQuarters returning kicks. These guys are painfully average and shouldn't be on the field when you have pro bowl caliber return guys that the team is saving for the offense. Oh, and McQuarters shouldn't even be dressing. Sam Madison is better. When McQuarters wasn't old, he was still an awful corner.

-Remember when the screens to Ward and Bradshaw used to work? Hell, remember when they were actually attempted? Seems like years ago doesn't it? How did the Cowboys have so much success with this, but it never dawned on the Giants to try one of these? In related news, Gilbride rebuffed Syracuse's offer to interview him for their head coaching job. Damn.

The Ugly

-It's funny, my one memory of the Dan Reeves era from the early 90's was that there were so many games in which Mike Horan was our best player. I think the Giants went 7-9 most of those years. Last night? Yeah, Jeff Feagles was the best Giant. Not a good sign.

-Ok, time for the Giants to stop getting hurt. Robbins was out, Jacobs was out, McKenzie got hurt, and the O and D lines started to suffer. Not good. The Giants need to have all three of these guys healthy if they want to win the Super Bowl.

-The Plax fallout is starting to become clear. From a strict football perspective, this is what bothers me:
1. Plax wasn't coming back to this team next year. But the Giants probably get the Ravens' 1st or 2nd round pick for the guy if he doesn't pack heat. Now the Giants may have to (or at least should) trade the 2nd round pick they got from the Saints and possibly a 4th rounder for Anquan Boldin.
2. Antonio Pierce can talk all he wants about his mind being on the game at hand. He can talk all he wants about not being distracted from repeating as Super Bowl Champs and getting the respect that the Giants finally deserve. But the fact is, he sucks right now. He looks a step slower, a bit more indecisive, and as the quarterback of our defense goes, so the team goes. And if he doesn't miss the tackle on Witten in the final few minutes on that third down, the Giants have a chance to win last night.

-And what defines ugly? Seeing Jerry Jones celebrate the win with his entourage in his luxury box. Praise Allah that he wasn't on the sidelines. Looking back, I wouldn't piss on Jones if he were on fire either.

The Bottom Line
-It's weird being scared about a team at 11-3, but that's what it is right now. They don't look good at all. The good news about this game is that win or loss, it didn't affect the Giants' future. The bad news, is that the season probably comes down to a game against Carolina at a time when the Giants have lost two in a row, nearly amassing a losing streak. That said, the game is in Giants Stadium, and it should favor the Giants. A win, and teams have to come through Giants Stadium. A loss, and the Giants will have to go through Carolina to get to Tampa. Oh, and there's still a chance the Giants will have to beat Minnesota in order to not get the #3 seed.

One last note...
Sure, Giants fans should be happy given that the team won a Super Bowl last year and they're clearly competitive this year. And they should stay competitive into the future, right? Eh, not so much. In 2000, it looked like the Giants would stay a power for years to come with the Collins/Tiki/Toomer/Strahan combo. And in 2002, they had a great end to the regular season, only to get owned by the 49ers and TO in the wild card game. And while the team had Super Bowl aspirations going into 2003, the entire thing completely fell apart, and Fassel, Collins and their Super Bowl aspirations were all history by 2004. All of this is to say that for those who think that the Giants should be contenders for the next 5-6 years with the core of young players, you have every right to think that, and I agree with you. But who knows what the future holds. Fuck it, let's win it all this year.

MONDAY. NIGHT. GAME. OF. THE. YEAR.

Or not.

Cleveland (+15.5) over PHILLY

Philadelphia has a tendency to play as well or as poorly as their opponent, just ask the Giants, Cowboys, and Cincinnati. But recently, they have become the trendy team du jour thanks to their shallacking of the Giants and Cardinals. I don't know much about Cleveland, but as a Giants fan, I know that they tend to show up on Mondays. What's going to happen is a game similar to Jets/Bills where the better team wins, but only because the lesser team blows a lead courtesy of some offensive coaching. And yeah, double digits is too many points for that.

Philly 27
Cleveland 21

Get hyped for the biggest ugly game of the year!