Saturday, December 27, 2008

SUS Recyles the Best of 2008, White Boy South Bronx Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

When is White Boy South Bronx not a true South Bronxian? Or is it Bronxonian? You mean aside from when he's in his humble abode on the Upper East Side with neighbors he's seemingly known his whole life? Well about how when he's this motley crew of characters from his September 17 article:

Empathy (n)- The experiencing as one's own the feelings of another

Although my trusty electronic dictionary (for students grades 9 and up which I will give my favorite tutoring student today) lists "sympathy" as a synonym; rest assured that it is not. Sympathy involves feeling bad because of someone else's emotion but NOT experiencing those emotions as if they were in fact your own. So empathy then is a much stronger experience than sympathy. Now I will do my regular (as of last week) weekly post titled "What Grinds my Gears" but by directly experiencing the emotions of other fans.

(1) Brewers fans as told by White Boy South Madison- I always smile when I type, read or hear "Milwaukee" because I remember the great scene in Wayne's World when Alice Cooper shocks Wayne and Garth by bestowing upon them the knowledge that this city is named for the Algonquin (Native American tribe) word for "The Good Land". However, it is anything but a good land these days for me these days. If we finish again like we did last year, it would be an utter sports atrocity. This is because my main reason for waking up in the morning this season, Ben Sheets and C.C. Sabathia, are free agents this off season. This cheapskate ownership does not have the guts or desire to fork over the schekels, pounds or Yen, let alone dollars, to resign these two guys. We have to at least make the playoffs this year because our piece of crap owners won't give us another shot for a while. With sweeps at the hands of the plummeting Mets (more on them soon) and the surging Phils, we find ourselves without possession of a coveted spot in the Fall tournament for the first time in a while. I am still dealing with the devastating loss to the Giants last January and the frost bite I got from sitting in the stands with no shirt on that night. I can't deal with another devastating sports moment with the wounds from that night still so fresh.

(2) Browns fans, as told by White Boy South Columbus-Its bad enough that I have to drive 3 freaking hours just to go to Cleveland Browns stadium (what a great name though!) just to go to the games and sit amongst drunken idiots wearing dog suits. However, nothing is more gut wrenching then the continuous beatings we take at the hands of the Evil Steelers. I hate those fucking Black and Gold douchebags. First they hand us the most devastating loss since the fumble game in the 2003 playoffs. Then they go on a 10 game winning streak against us. With this in mind, it has been rare that we have ever gone deep into a game with a real chance of beating them, especially when facing those fuckers at home. WHY ROMEO, WHY!! Why on earth did you kick a field goal down 7 with under 4 minutes to go? You know you have a shitty defense. You know that you were moving the ball on the Stillers for the first time all game. You know that if you have any real shot at winning this game, you need to score a TD on this drive. It was 4th and 7 for goodness sakes! If it was 4th and 25 I would be more sympathetic (but not empathetic cause your a shitty coach and I can't stand you). If you don't trust your recently wealthy QB and superstar receiver to get you 7 yards in a big spot, what is the point of even showing up! Uggggh. Whatever, at least we have Lebron until he goes for the money with the Knicks.

(3) Jets Fans, as told by White Boy South Hampton- As SCHMUCK will tell you, we Jet fans are sick of always losing to the freaking Pats. So you could imagine my delight when, over lox and Bagels Monday Morning before jumping on the Merrick train to Penn Station en route to my big office at the law firm/big financial corporation/hospital, I read that Tom Brady was going to miss the entire season with a Torn ACL. My yamaka nearly flew right off my head I was so vaklempt!! I knew now that we were finally going to beat these guys Sunday at the Meadowlands. See I have to call it that because it makes me too sad when I call it "Giants stadium." However, with one errant Farve pass in the third quarter, the entire tone of the 2008 season changed. This was our chance to step up and take hold of the division for first time since the 2002 season. When Farve threw that absurd pass into the waiting arms of Brandon Meriweather, memories of last seasons 38-14 drubbing and the 9 previous consecutive home losses to Hoody and his band of cheaters flooded my brain like the words to the Melodic Ashrei prayer in the Torah do on Shabbat. Shortly after that pick, Cassel and company marched into the endzone and completely demoralized me and my fellow "-et's" fans. See, I call us -ET fans because we all root for the Mets and Jets instead of the Yankee and Giants. I guess that their great defense and our overrated and over-hyped QB made for another brutal day to be a fan of this historically losing team. Ugh!! At least we have the Mets' guaranteed playoff birth to look forward to?

4) Members of the liberal elite; as told by White Boy South Tribeca- As a gay/black/atheist man who went to Harvard undergrad and Yale Law school, I am offended by the strategy of Palin and Mccain of appealing to the apparently disenfranchised white working class. It is appalling that Mccain and Palin would try to appeal to the same group that the KKK has consistently reached its collective arm towards by conjuring up images of farmers from the plains, in the form of hockey moms of Alaska. This is clearly praying upon the fears of these Americans of the "other". As someone who fits into nearly every minority category in this country, I empathize (not sympathize) with fellow "others". It is clear to me, given my vast intelligence and flair for the cosmopolitan, that the world needs more cultured, learned and frankly bi-racial people in the Oval Office than that of Palin and Mccain. It is the view of this sophisticated and urbane man that being worldly and more scholarly than "average" Americans is not something to scorn but rather something to celebrate. We should expect more from our leaders than ourselves, not the same amount. After all, would you want your president to be someone who you could grab a beer with or someone you could have a glass of wine with while making fun of those who believe in some theory as utterly unfalsifiable as "Intelligent Design." I scoff at thee.

my hotel is not douche proof...

The complimentary hotel body wash here is called "gel de douche". I couldn't make that up if I wanted to. The people at the front desks must sponsor these because they are also huge douches. They tell you that you are being put on hold and being transferred to the concierge and then they hang up on you. This has happened to my girlfriend, "White Girl South Bronx" on three different occasions. Also a douche, the guy driving a lime green corvette down Ocean Drive. Okay we get it, you have more money than us, to quote Devo and Mahatma, CONGRAGULATIONS, YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG! Okay, I'll check in tomorrow evening with my 6 hour diary of NFL Sunday with an AFC east race slant.

The Knicks is back to being a horrible joke again...

Okay, maybe most non Knick and/or non NBA fans thought that the Knicks was still a joke. Its record was an unremarkable 11-14; and it had recorded a bad 5-11 record following a great 6-3 start. Still, there was reason for real hope coming off back to back very close losses against Western powers Phoenix and Los Angeles. However, now that modest and ironically impressive two game losing streak has become an embarrassing and frustrating 5 game losing skid. Tonight's loss really takes the cake though. Getting completely blown out at home to the 4-23 Wolves is beyond disgraceful. Even the Isiah Knicks would have lost this game by 4 or 5 or maybe even won it. I don't know who this Knicks team thinks it is but in no way is it good enough to ever take any team lightly. Even the great Giants failed miserably when doing so against Cleveland and Philly this season. Ugh. I am having a great time here in Miami but I guess seeing the Heat impressively blow away the Bulls in the 4th with a young promising team to showcase and then watching some of the Knicks game on NBA Broadband got me a bit peeved. I am done praising D'Antoni and thinking of this team as even a slight improvement over any in the past.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Mahatma drags himself away from the mall long enough to pick football games (20-13)

Tennessee Towel Stompers (+3) at Indianapolis Colts

Fuck the titans. Myron Cope will curse them. Except not this week. Colts rest Peyton WoManning and crew and the Thumbtacks win again.

Titans - 27
Colts - 10

Jacksonville Jagoffs (+12.5) @ Baltiwhore Ratbirds

The Jags were supposed to be good and in the playoffs. They are neither. Ironically, enough the Ravens were supposed to be bad and not in the playoffs. Shockingly, they are in the playoffs with a win. Sorry but no way this team gets that many points against still a quality D in the Jags. Still I see the Rats getting in.

Baltimore - 24
Jacksonville - 21

Must get more jersey tshirts...toodles!

The Brooklyn Hillbilly barely survives the year. His Week 17 picks.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh(-11, 33)
It doesnt matter what the line is, take the Steelers. Time to spend the next two weeks getting ready to score 13 points in the second round of the playoffs. Lets just hope the D only gives up 10. Steelers defeat the mighty Stains 27-10.

Denver at San Diego(-8, 50)
Denver is that bad and San Diego is rolling that well, thats what this line tells me. Look, I love the Broncos, but the immense choke job of the last 2 weeks is unforgivable. Neither of these teams really deserves to get to the playoffs, but apparantly one of them has to. I go with the mo'. Better luck next year Jay. San Diego euthanizes the Broncos season 31-28.

Devo looks down on you from his perch above .500 (17-15)

PHILLY (-1.5) over Dallas

I mean, Dallas shouldn't make the playoffs right? Should any team that has had as much chaos, infighting, and lousy coaching be allowed into the playoffs? Throw into the mix that Marion Barber may not play and that Roy Williams has finally announced that he's unhappy with his role in the offense, and it seems fitting that their season would end in crushing and embarrassing fashion in Philly, no? And with Roy Williams, isn't it about time that he got fed up with his role in the offense? You have Witten and T.O. fighting, and oh, by the way, one of the better receivers in football is not only your #3 option, but he's not getting as many looks as Amani Toomer. So Dallas, in a year in which you came into the year with more talent than any the most godforsaken place on Earth, The Linc.

Philly: 31
Dallas: 27

Carolina (-3) over NEW ORLEANS

When is a record not a record? (Dude, not only don't I care, but you're a retard.) When the record only gets set because it masks something worse. For example, Martin Brodeur has the single season NHL wins record, and I love that my boy is in the record books. But he only set the record because he played too many games during the regular season, wearing him out for the playoffs when the Devils (and as much as any individual, Brodeur) got served by the lower seeded Senators in the second round. Brodeur set the record because either A) Coach should have had more faith in the backup goalie or B) the backup goalie was so bad that Coach was justified in overplaying Marty and wearing him out. Point being, Brodeur's record only occurred because either the Devils backup sucked or the coach didn't know what he was doing. Had Marty played an appropriate amount of games, he wouldn't have the record, but he probably would have gotten to the NHL Finals before losing to Anaheim.

All of this is to say that Drew Brees may or may not break Marino's single season passing record, but one thing is clear: Brees would not have been able to get this record if the team had either a running game or a defense. I'm too lazy to do the research, but I'm pretty sure that if you look at the players with the most passing yards in a single game, you're going to see bad defenses requiring the offense to throw the ball more than they should. And if you talk to any Dolphins fan worth their weight in hot Miami ass, they'll tell you that throughout Marino's career, the Dolphins had no running game or defense. All of this is to say that yes, Drew Brees is a good quarterback, but if you gave him a good team, or at least Brandon Jacobs and Justin Tuck, he'd have Eli Manning's passing totals. To condense what I just said into one bulletpoint: this phrase means that the Saints suck. And the Panthers don't.

Carolina 27
Drew Brees 21

SUS Recyles the Best of 2008, Brooklyn Hillbilly Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

Here, BH reminds us of the D-Wade/Star Jones relationship, because he's a firm believer in the "If my holiday is going to blow, yours should too" school of thought. Without further ado, from May 2, 2008:

We've all been there. You're at the bar around closing time or at a party that's winding down with some smooth music. You're having a drunken conversation(shouting match) with your boys, or are chatting up a fine 'lil chiquita. You notice out of the corner of your eye another of your buddies drunkenly, sloppily, making out with-IS THAT A MAN!? Everyone does a double take. No, its not a guy, it is a horrendously ugly woman. So grotesque that there is no humor in letting him go home with her to wake up to a terminal case of coyote arm. The "woman" in question probably looked something like this:

The shame of this kind of hook-up can never be washed off, and you could never look your boy in the eye again, knowing you failed him in your manly duty. When on the hunt, men have to look out for each other, it is a solemn obligation to prevent each other from making major mistakes. In caveman times, when a tribe went out hunting, the group wouldn't let a hunter go off by himself to eat an obviously sick, elderly and disease-ridden animal when there was healthier prey available, they worked together. And todays hunting grounds are no different. A "cockblock" is usually a bad thing, thrown by a jealous friend of the shorty you are conversing with who isn't getting enough attention or by said shorty's 6'6" 350lb boyfriend. Well, that second one is a cockblock or Aggravated Assault, depending on how many stitches you need. Regardless, sometimes a man needs to throw a cockblock to prevent a bad situation (buddy leading off second base) from getting worse (RBI and a lifetime of regret).

Now, if you haven't figured out yet, this post is directed at Dwyane Wade. Ive heard some nasty rumors about this nominally married man and who has been picking him up at the American Airlines Arena after home games. Evidently he and the skeeze known as Star Jones have been seeing a lot of each other lately. D-Wade's pathetic denial on TNT makes it pretty clear that something is going on. (Editor's note: the youtube of this has been taken down. Oops.)


Yes, all Jews either do a movie and Chinese or South Florida and SUS just furthers this stereotype

Weird thing with movie and chinese food on Christmas. For my family, I don't remember doing this very often. But frankly, the last few years, this movie/chinese food stereotype seems to have exploded and my parents and I gave it a collective "well what the hell's so bad about that?" look. All of this is to say that if everyone's going to assume that we're going to see a good flick and eat some Sesame Chicken, who are we not to oblige?

A little about my movie taste-I love this time of year. The comedies are usually lacking, but I'd prefer a drama with a good story to Indiana Jones and the Lost Hearing Aid of Doom or Spiderman vs. Superman any day. In a nutshell, I love this time of year, and get ready for a few weeks from now when I movie-hop my way into Gran Torino, Milk, and Slumdog Millionaire. But as for yesterday, went to see Frost/Nixon in Bridgewater because even though it was a half hour away, I couldn't get myself psyched up to see Slumdog or Valkyrie. (Plus, Mom is still offended as a psychoanalyst by Tom Cruise's psychology remarks. My parents don't hold grudges, unless it's Tom Cruise talking about psychology or Wade Phillips saying "The better team lost," but I digress...)

But we had to go all the way to the Garden State Plaza mall in Paramus, NJ to find Frost/Nixon, but what a find! Oh, the movie was great, but I'll get to that in a second. The 16-plex movie theater in Paramus is perfect for movie hopping. My usual movie-hop locale has been Jersey Gardens in Elizabeth, but the problem with that place is that you're basically divided into two areas so that you only have a choice of 8 movies. And you don't know which 8 movies until you buy your first ticket. But GS Plaza? You have your choice of all 16 movies. Viva unemployment and hello 3 movies on a Wednesday!

I was a U.S. History major in college with a focus on 20th century. I love nothing more than seeing moments that I lived through turned into film. I loved The Queen, as un-hetero as I thought that movie was going to be, and I loved Frost/Nixon. Another great performance by Michael Sheen, who has now played Tony Blair and David Frost. Frank Minghella will probably get nominated for an Oscar for playing Nixon, but the great performances went beyond them. My favorites were Sam Rockwell, who played a very liberal anti-Nixon college professor as well as Kevin Bacon, playing Nixon's Silent Majority-Gay-Lovechild. I don't know how much of it was true or not; my guess is that most of it was true, and the final result definitely was legit, but it was just very good political drama the whole time. And the timing of a movie about a president accused but not convicted of crimes put on trial in front of the US public is about as coincidental as the surge in the Giants rushing game upon Jacobs' return.

And the Chinese food was good too.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry (Jewish) Christmas!

In the grand tradition of Jews unattached to non-Jews on Christmas, I spent the day at the movies and eating Chinese food with my parents. We have been going to the movies on Christmas day since way back when my mom, sister and me saw The Little Mermaid (1989). That first year has been hard to beat, but we have come close with gems like Little Women (1994), Anna and the King(1999) and Juno (2007). There have been misses, Kate and Leopold (2001) for one, but it is usually a really nice way to spend the day. We recently added in the Chinese food, because my dad has started coming along.

This year, I picked Slumdog Millionaire because I had heard great things about it, both from critics and friends. The movie is about an orphaned boy who is on the Indian Who Wants to be a Millionaire? It takes place in present day Mumbai with flashbacks to the boy's troubled childhood. This is an inspiring movie, but you have to be ready to deal with the shit (literally, you'll see what I mean) that he and his brother go through as they try to make their way in various slums of India. I won't go into anymore detail, but the music is awesome and there's a fabulous Bollywood-esque dance number at the end.

We finished off the evening at Cathay 22 in Springfield, NJ. Cocktails, a pupu platter (spare ribs were awesome), orange crispy chicken and a shrimp dish made for some great Jewish Christmas eats. I don't even think Ralphie and his family could have that one beat...


My favorite Christmas movie is It's a Wonderful Life and I'm so glad that NBC put it on tv on Christmas Eve night. If I don't get choked up everytime Harry Bailey comes into George's house and says, "A toast to my brother George, the richest man in town," there's something VERY wrong.

Happy Hanukah/Merry Christmas!


Week 17 Picks (15-13): Live from the home of the 2008 AFC East Champions

Lets just say if I was referring to the Jets, I would need not say I was "live from the home..." because that is where I live. Therefore, unless I decided to go on vacation to shitown up north, I must be referring to the Chad Pennington lead Miami Dolphins. Anyway, here we go............

New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills (+7)- Call it a hunch. Call it a premonition. Call it hoping against hope that I get to go to a sports bar here in Miami for a Jets/Dolphins virtual play in game. Either way, Matt Casell has not proven that he is a lock to play well every week. This Pats team has been very similar to the Giants of last year's regular season. It has won 2/3 of its game but has lost those 5 in ugly fashion. I can't just assume the Pats will walk into Buffalo and beat the same team that just embarrassed the should be AFC West champion Broncos. I just think the Bills will be motivated to eliminate the Pats and that Cassell will have one final crash back down to earth before he takes over as the Lion's franchise QB. THE PICK: BUFFALO (To win outright 17-13)

New York Giants (+6) at Minnesota Vikings- So we got nothing to play for. I know this. I also know that Minnesota has a bad history of December choke jobs. However, I aslo know that Darren Sharper owns Eli's soul. However, I see a Steelers vs Bills 04 scenario unfolding here (Willie's breakout game.) A great team that is deep beating a team who is tight as a drum in its own stadium. Also, New York has won its last 2 games there as this has been a largely away dominated series historically. My guess is the Giants win a close game that is fairly low scoring.
THE PICK: NEW YORK GIANTS (To win outright 21-17)

Corporate Stoogery Volume 4: Dos and Donts of the Holiday Party

Hello cubicle dwellers and welcome to another installment of corporate stoogery. Since we have last spoke, times are indeed quite different. The economy has apparently shat itself leaving filth and excrement all over the place. Gone are raises, bonuses and holiday gift giving. Gone also are your savings and bank accounts. But don’t worry those CEOs are still making their millions and laying off idiots like you and I so they can keep their profit margins and eating those fine steaks.

Alas, times are indeed quite rough so keeping your current shitty job is of the utmost importance. Especially when companies are looking to rid themselves of you and your frivolous salary. One such instance is the office holiday party. For some the xmas holiday party is one big jerk off. For others it’s grounds to get fired. That’s why I’m here to help guide you on ways of the office holiday party so you can enjoy the same shitty hours and steady yet low paycheck for the next year. Granted this is probably late for all of you so if you got fired already, you can get your money back from Devo at

Do: Drink something. I mean look it’s going to probably be very akward. It’s not like you really like the people you work with anyway. So have a drink or two and atleast pretend you like these people.

Don’t: Drink too much unless of course your boss has left and its just you and the 20 somethings. That’s the only way this will be a fun party. Mahatma recommends to get fashionably drunk once all those Jersey/Westchesterites leave for their various buses.

Do: Eat something. Look that alcohol is good but you don’t want to be the guy/gal puking in the bathroom.

Don’t: Eat too much that you have dipping sauce on your shirt.

Do: Socialize with the office hottie

Don’t: hit on the office hottie unless she/he starts it.

Do: Talk to the clients if they come

Don’t: talk to them too much because really you will look like a big douche.

Do: Tell your coworker (if you like them that is) to stop dancing if he/she is looking like a walking cackle of orangutans.

Don’t: dance unless you are a good dancer. And most notably, you probably aren’t a good dance. Yea sure your friends said you were good but honestly, they are just being nice. Didn’t you see the Seinfeld? Yea don’t be like that.

Do: Say you and the office hottie got something going on by all means rock out

Don’t: do the same if your coworkers refer to this person as Shim.

Do: Eat something. That caterer is there for a reason and really drinking on an empty stomach is the smartest idea in the world.

Don’t: Eat too much that you spill that empanada dipping sauce all over your nice shirt/dress

Do: Meet your coworker’s family. Look you might as well. I’m sure they are nice people.

Don’t: hit on your bosses 18 yr old daughter/son or wife/husband. (unless well you can't do any better)

Do: Say something to your boss

Don’t: Do not have an excessive dialogue about the company's forward thinking strategy in this new age recession.

Do: talk to people

Don’t: talk to them about work. Seriously. Stop.

Happy holidays folks!

SUS Recyles the Best of 2008, MissMet Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

First up, MissMet takes us back to a more innocent time, when the weather was warm and the Mets were simply one-time chokers. Without further ado, from May 29, 2008:

MissMet On the Spot- Mets Turn the Season Around?

Last night, I went to the Mets game with some friends and we got a great show. At the start of the game, the team was 1-1 since the Big Meeting between Ownership and Management in regards to Willie Randolph's tenure with the organization. Tuesday night's win was solid. Santana pitched well and the team hit, getting help from the bullpen and the bench players. Let's not forget about those players that are now starting due to injuries galore aaand Carlos Delgado. With Ollie Perez on the mound, I was slightly pessimistic, due to his erratic throwing over his past few starts.

When we got to Shea (Katie and I weren't alone this time, so at least the Mets had that going for them), I noticed the starting line-up over the Will Call Windows. Normally, it features 'baseball cards' with the Mets that are starting in their batting order. Two of the cards were blank tonight and I was trying to figure out which newbies were taking over for the two injured outfielders. Turned out it was Nick Evans and Fernando Tatis, who just happened to be one of last night's heroes. Before meeting up with some other friends, Katie and I browsed the Mets Clubhouse Shop and found our fair share of awesomely cheesy items, but more on those later.

The game started off very well, with Rusty Staub pulling off the number 9 in the 59 to show that yes, there are only 58 (regular season) games left at Shea. Ollie got the (first place!) Marlins out in order in the 1st and then the Mets came out with some HOT BATS in the bottom of the inning. 2-0 after 1. Then, Ollie got them out 1-2-3 in the 2nd and it went through my mind- I will be present during not only the first Mets no-hitter, but a perfect game (honestly, this goes through my head when I leave my house in order to get to any Mets game, but getting the first 6 out only fuels this ridiculous fire). Either way, this didn't happen, because the first of many Marlins home runs was hit in the top of the 3rd. It was ok though, the Mets were winning and my friends were having fun. They enjoy baseball, but are not crazy like me. We were partaking in the songs and the cheers. We were eating the yummy ball park foods.

Then, the other shoe dropped. Ollie gave up his 3rd home run of the night and 2nd to some Marlin, whose name I don't even care about (oops, bitter) and the Mets were losing. After I became able to speak in words that weren't expletives, my friends tried to pep me up. 'There's still time' they said, 'this doesn't mean its over' they pleaded. They haven't really been through the trauma that Mets fans go through, so I was only half-believing them. I obviously felt there was glimmer of hope though, they all left after the 8th and I stayed. I mean, there was hardly any booing tonight. Aaron Heilman pitched 2 hitless innings. There seemed to be something special going on. Then Endy 'the catch' Chavez hit a game-tying home run in the 9th inning!! Amazing and awesome.

We were onto extra innings. After the 10th, I told myself that I'd stay through the 11th, no matter what. With the game still tied after 11, I bolted for the Southside Parking lot, so that I could at least hear the end. By the time I got to my car, the top of the 12th was over, and the Marlins were ahead again. Thankful that I missed that home run, I started my trek back to Jersey. I heard David Wright get a walk. I heard Carlos Beltran single while David was in motion, sending him to second. Along the Grand Central Parkway, I heard Damion Easley strike out. Then, across the Triboro Bridge, I heard Tatis double in the tying and winning runs. I let out a whoop as I got into the Bronx, but I also wished I was there. I've never seen a walk-off win in person, and I would have loved to last night.

All regrets aside, last night's win was fantastic. I don't think this team would have come back from being down twice in the 9th and the 12th 2 weeks ago. The whole team won the game, and the bullpen kicked ass.

As they play the Dodgers this weekend, let's hope the Mets take the hard work they've put into the series against the Marlins and run with it...

Awesomely Cheesiest Souvenirs at the Club House Shop
David Wright's picture surrounded by hearts on a necklace (also available in Jose Reyes)
'Diamond' studded NY on a Mets hat
Mets hat with flames
Any pink Mets paraphernalia
If I see anyone with any of these items, I will first be happy that they are Mets fans, but then laugh at their poor taste.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Refs be trippin yo!

Nice arm by the ref here, I have to say, but this is a getting a little crazy. Refs should be seen and not heard(like children and wives) until the play is over. Is it really that hard to get out of the way? The guy below apparently thinks so.

An honest question from an ignorant jew

Ok, so we in Western Civilization have a calendar that is based on the birth of Jesus, right? If that is the case, shouldn't Jesus' birthday be on January 1? One theory that has come to light: a jewish person I know said that he got circumsized on January 1 and that has something to do with it. And then my girl Julie said that Jesus was born in the summer, possibly sharing a July 4th birthday with George Steinbrenner and America. For what it's worth, I think she was confused: Jesus was born in summer-LIKE conditions, as the Middle East in December feels like Canada in August.

But more importantly, can someone please provide an explanation as to why January 1 isn't Christmas? Looking your way, Solo. Though if anyone else has an answer or a funny theory, please step forward.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Yinzer's Holiday Wishlist

Well it’s time for the end of the year holiday’s and that means one thing: presents. It doesn’t matter what holiday it is in what religion, be it Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, ChristmasHanaKwanzakah, or some other funky holiday, we get gifts. Me, I’m a fan of Festivus, because it’s for the rest of us.

We all have our lists, and when it comes to sports it’s no different. Now I know it’s tempting just to say “I want the championship” or “I want this team to fail” but that’s too easy. We’re going for more subtle things. So without further adieu, I present to you (in no particular order):

Yinzer’s Festivus List.

1) Bruce Arians Euthanized/A new Offensive Line for the Steelers
He’s been a coach journeyman for a reason. The man refuses to use plays that work and play to his players strength, instead keeps using plays that go nowhere repeatedly. All the last minute drives the Steelers score on to win have been called by Ben. Yet somehow the Steelers haven’t seen fit to let Ben just call the plays period. This man is an idiot, to the point he ranks up as “Euthanize” on my “Needs to Go” levels. I’d also like an offensive line that doesn’t let the QB get killed every two plays. Half of them are free agents, let them be free.

2) A wing for Sidney Crosby
Of course, Sid has asked for this for a few years too, and the last (and only) good one he had bolted in free agency. He’s stuck with guys who can barely finish and can’t create anything on their own. He can still dominate, but just imagine if he actually had good players to help him on a regular basis?

3) The Yankees to Sign Everyone
As it’s been well documented Yinzer hates baseball. As you’ve probably figured out, I also hate Boston teams, in particular because their fans are unbearable on nearly every level. And so the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and who is the enemy of the big spending, buy a championship Red $ox? The team they modeled themselves after: the Yankees. So if the Yankees buying up any free agent with a name pisses off the $ox fans, then so be it.

4)The Media to finally say Belichick isn’t good at coaching, just good at cheating.
Yeah, no real explanation needed here. I mean if a guy who hasn’t played since high school can step into the NFL and succeed as well as one of the “greatest QB’s ever “ doesn’t scream “cheat” I don't know what else does.

5) Tiger Woods to admit he 's a pansy
At least six months recovery to try and play golf again? Golf? It’s fucking golf! Hockey players play this in the off season after being beaten up six plus months straight. My god. Nike should just give you a pink tutu to wear on the course.

6) A real announcing crew for Penguins games
The combination of Paul Steigerwald and Bob Errey is unbearable. They attempt to be cute and funny but are just plain idiots. Most the time they can’t even get right which team the penalty is on. And this is after the goalie has come out of the net and the one team carrying the puck. I actually mute half the games anymore because every time they say something dumb I can’t stand it. If I made a drinking game of it, I’d drink myself to death in the first period.

Angry White Confused Lazy NFL Viewer Guy

Some people out there, like White Boy, are experts on when a network will be showing a game. All I know is that in the New York area, no games are on opposing channels when the Giants or Jets are playing home games. So with the Giants in the NFC Regular Season Championship at 8 and the Jets on the road at 4, I was excited for the AFC Regular Season Championship to air at 1pm, Steelers/Titans. And if for some reason that game got one-sided? Well I could turn to Pats/Cards or Devils/Flyers. But let's be honest, Pats/Cards had 47-7 written all over it, and who watches hockey on a December Sunday? So I turn on the CBS, and what do I see but a goddamn infomercial! Come on, you're telling me that on this day in which the AFC Regular Season Championship game isn't obstructed by the Jets or Giants, the powers that be have left us with nothing but the Patriots in a romp? It's week 16! It's the fantasy football championship and Free Harris Smith has a game! And I know what you're saying, Hey, Angry White Confused Lazy NFL Viewer Guy, get off your ass, and go to a sports bar. Well ya know what? There's some days when I'm too goddamn lazy and broke to go to a sports bar. So screw you, screw the NFL for deciding that Steelers/Titans isn't an important game.

To the powers that be in the NFL league offices: If you do this like 24 or 25 more times, I swear to Allah, I'm moving to Canada. Angry White Confused Lazy NFL Viewer Guy, over and out.

Happy Kwanzaa!

I know its 4 days away, but I just cant contain my excitement.

And heres the perfect gift for that slutty hag you keep going home with from the bar every few nights. Happy Kwanzaa!



Don Sutton – You’re fired! Blitz you fool.

Eric Mangini – You’re fired! Talk about a 180. To go from great to shit in under a month is ridiculous. You punt the ball on the 35 and don't even try to give Feely a chance at another attempt. You've lost the edge my friend. Belichek is laughing at you somewhere

Laverneus Coles – Trade him, drop him, and send him back to Pennington. He complains that he’s not the focal point of the team. He was good back when Parcells was the coach. He is no longer a #1 WR, get rid of the punk

Bubba Franks – What a waste of a $1 million, gone

Eric Barton – Can’t cover the TE and sometimes acts like an immature rookie. RELEASE!!

Brett Favre – I hope he retires for good before Tannenbaum starts to build around him. He’s done. If anything he helped the Jets sell a few more Jersey’s

Brian Schottenheimer – Sometimes you’re as bad as Rich Kotite

Shaun Ellis – Unless the Jets are converting back to a 4-3 I say release him. He’s lost a few steps


HIRE BILL COWHER…..LET’S GET PHYSICAL!!!! At least this man has had some success with the 3-4 defense. Plus I would totally buy a fake mustache, paint that shit green and watch every home game with it on.

Anquan Boldin – A physical #1 WR who’s not afraid to go over the middle along with Cotchery.

Terrell Suggs – A DE who can actually rush the quarterback.
Romeo Crennell - Get back to defense bud

DRAFT – They need depth at D line, they need another corner opposite Revis, a better safety along with Rhodes and if Favre is back next year they need a big physical wide-out, someone who stands out in double coverage (not Coles on 4th and 4).
This is a lousy recap but its just aggravating watching the Jets go from bad to worse. So what can they expect next year at quarterback?
Favre - Obviously if he stays the front office will sign more players on offense to succeed. I say that's bullshit, just get rid of him.
Clemens - Another season under his belt and less playing time to go with it. He was once considered the future but now has become a waste on the bench.
Ainge - Looked good in pre-season but he already has injury issues
Cassell - For the love of GOD please do not try and attempt to sign this bum. That's all the Jets need, spend more money and overpay another underachieving player.
Ratliff - eh?
Michael Vick - woof
Alex Smith - I think I'd rather have Favre
Devo - The next Jay Fiedler
Mahatma - Still recovering from an ACL injury, the first ever recorded in all of flag football. He's done
Overall this team is just soft. They exploit their oppositions weaknesses in the first quarter but never make the adjustments in the second half. How many times have the Jets gone scoreless in the 2nd half? I don't know, I don't want to know. It's one thing to get flat out beaten and overplayed, that I can accept and be ok with. It's being outsmarted by weaker and less talented opponents that bugs the shit out of me (Oakland, San Fran, Seattle). They just flat out suck and should be ashamed of themselves. End of story, they don't deserve to be in the playoffs. The Patriots or Broncos/Chargers would love to play the Jets in the first round of the playoffs. Ugh, I hate my life

Um, wow. A Giants/Panthers Recap.

Let's be honest: most of us follow our teams because it's the team that our fathers followed when we were little kids. As such, after observing this weekend of football, I had no choice but to profusely thank my dad for falling in love with Y.A. Tittle, Sam Huff, and the Giants of old and not the Namath sideburns. In related news, no word on whether SHMUCK has disowned Papa SHMUCK yet. Onto the recap!

Giants offense/Panthers defense

-The biggest problem with the offense in the first half was simply that they had to keep up with the newly discovered juggernaut that was the Carolina Offense. Eli had some solid numbers in the first half and then took care of business in the second half. In a windy Giants Stadium, that's all that one can ask for out of a Giant QB in December.

And equally important, Eli and Hixon connected on some nice timing routes. Not a spectacular game for Hixon, but at least it showed that the drops of games past shouldn't continue to nag him as the playoffs approach.

-Nice of Toomer to chip in with two catches for 27 yards, both of which are post-Halloween season highs.

-Fantastic game by Kevin Boss, becoming everything the Giants ever needed Jeremy Shockey to be: a reliable receiver who is generally open on third down and will catch passes thrown his way on third down and in the red zone. He'll never be as spectacular as some of Shockey's best plays, but the reality is, he doesn't need to be spectacular, just consistent. And looking back on the Shockey era, I'm pretty sure his most amazing play occurred during a pre-season game.

-Gilbride called a good game in the second half, but can they stop relying on Hedgecock to make offensive plays? Look, Hedgecock is a damn good blocking back, but there's no need to turn him into a receiving weapon if he's not good enough to do so. And this has more to do with the last 6 weeks or so than this particular game in which Hedgecock had a very nice 13 yard reception. But can Gilbride not call for a Hedgecock run on 3rd and short with Jacobs available? Calling for Hedgecock to be a receiver or a power back is kind of like calling for Kevin Boss to run a reverse. Boss can't make the same plays as Hixon in the same way that Hedgecock can't be Brandon Jacobs, but Hedgecock is still a valuable member of this team if used right. The talent is here, stop over-thinking everything and just get it done.

3 things about Jacobs:

1. He seems to have become the vocal leader of this team, leading them in the "stomp them out" pre-game speech. One thing that became obvious the last few weeks is how much better Jacobs makes the entire team, but on a much smaller note, I love that he seems to give this team a swagger when he plays.

2. Look, it's hard to say anything bad about Jacobs given how well he and Ward ran, but it seems like most of the time when Jacobs gets 3 or 4, he is one unlucky break away from gaining 15. I don't know if he's having trouble getting past the safeties, but it seems like he's consistently one more missed tackle away from having similar numbers to Ward. Eh, I'll stop my bitching.

3. And lastly, is Jacobs really not going to warrant serious consideration for MVP?

-So uh, Derrick Ward had a decent game. One thing about his overtime runs-I've become so accustomed to the Luke Pettitgout hold that I never get to enjoy the runs until I carefully scan the field and notice no flags. I need to start living in the moment.

-But seriously, props to Ward who had a great game in front of a national audience and earned himself a nice contract from a team who can afford him next year. (Not the G-Men) D-Ward, it's been a pleasure watching you compliment Jacobs, and I, as a representative of G-Men Nation, wish you all the best. You deserve it. But stay the fuck away from the Dallas backfield if you don't want to be booed when you return to Giants Stadium.

-And as always, this running game wouldn't have been possible without the consistent play of the O-Line. Snee and O'Hara got well deserved pro-bowl spots, even if McKenzie, Seubert, and Diehl all got screwed.

Panthers offense/Giants defense

-First off, I'd like to thank Deangelo Williams for helping me win the SUS Fantasy Football Championship and still finding a way to lose the game. Everybody wins! And by everybody I mean myself and the members of Free Harris Smith!.

-What the hell was that first half all about? It seemed like the Giants would get a stop on first down, but on second or third down the Panthers wouldn't just get the first down by a yard but by 5, 6, or 40 if it involved a pass thrown near Aaron Ross. And what the hell was up with Ross? He defended that ball like the ghost of Will Allens past. I'm guessing he was benched?

-For a guy with flu-like symptoms Justin Tuck sure was limping a bit. If he shows up on crutches with the Chicken Pox, I may have to call BS.

-So there was no pressure put on Delhomme the whole game. I'll chalk that up to Tuck not being full strength and the Giants needing to do everything possible to cover Steve Smith.

-Someone help me out here, what's the deal with screens? More specifically, why are teams able to run them on us for 15-20+ yards, but the Giants can never get more than a few yards? And that's when Jacobs holds onto the ball. I blame our linebackers.

-And speaking of the linebackers, Pierce had himself a solid game, covering up holes like they were illegal firearms.

-And yes, I've been waiting a long time to rock that line.

-Tangent alert: What's the deal with Ben Roethlisberger? More specifically, why do people think he should be the league MVP when he's the reason that the Steelers struggle to score 20 points in their wins? They didn't give the MVP to Jim McMahon or Trent Dilfer, and Ben is better than those guys, but come on. And along those lines, Jake Delhomme sure seems to be the anti-Roethlisberger: whereas everyone says that Ben is great this year but isn't, everyone says that Delhomme sucks, but is he really that bad? What am I missing?

-Look, one thing was apparent yesterday which explains the Mangini-sized difference between the Jets and Giants coaching staff. The Giants made adjustments at the half that were apparently able to slow down the Panthers O enough to mount a comeback. The Jets kept on trying the same ol' same ol' until 60 minutes were up.

-And the biggest surprise about the game yesterday? The Giants' first punt in OT. After the Giants made it 28-28, I was 150% sure that the Giants would win the game if the offense could only get the ball again. And eventually they won, but I was just amazed that it took the offense two tries in a close game to win the game. I guess this is my way of saying 1) I'm still enjoying the Eli Manning Era and 2) yeah, Big Blue is back. Watch out world.

And a few more other things that like myself, can't be described using a simple label...

I've found my blogging jihad, and R.W. McQuarters be thy name. I'm not blaming McQuarters for the fumble that nearly cost the Giants the game; I'm blaming the coaching staff for allowing McQuarters to put on shoulder pads and a jersey in the first place. As I've said tirelessly already, there's nothing that McQuarters does that can't be performed by someone better. Returning punts? Bradshaw and Hixon are fantastic replacements. 4th or 5th cornerback? I don't care how many steps Sam Madison has lost, he still has to be better than McQuarters. Madison, unlike McQuarters, once had a prime. And I don't get why a star player can't also be a punt/kick returner. But Devo, Jason Sehorn's career was effectively over after he got messed up on a punt return. Yeah, but two things: 1) Sehorn, unlike Hixon and Bradshaw was primarily a cornerback before a return man and therefore has much worse technique than both of them, and 2) Who else has gotten hurt returning kicks other than Sehorn? Is it just me or is Sehorn the only guy to get seriously hurt returning kicks?

-Weird crowd at the game. Giants fans are justifiably considered to be the oldest and whitest in the league, mostly due to Giants season tickets remaining in families for generations. But last night, due to the cold and the time, it sure seemed like old white people sold their tickets to drunk younguns. And I'm ok with that in general, but I have one rule: If you're going to be drunk and loud either 1) know your football or 2) be funny. The guy in section 327 row 30 who was yelling at me for not standing mid second quarter was neither. And stop yelling "Omaha!" You're not Eli Manning. Start getting your comedic timing down or go home.

-And props to the Giants Stadium grounds crew for apparently turning the steps into a hockey rink. As an unemployed lawyer, my only regret is that I didn't stand at the bottom of the steps with a business card.

-But as much as the ice sucked, seeing the Stadium erupt in snow after the Giants tied the game and later won was unbelievable. And while some of the drunk guys were annoying, the drunkeness of the crowd as a whole led to an enjoyable, if odd, atmosphere. By the end of the 4th quarter as the Giants got their groove back, you had seemingly 70,000 people singing along with the house music during one of the 8,000 tv timeouts.

And lastly, about the Giants...

Two things were learned last night:

1. The Panthers are a well put together, well coached football team. No turnovers, very few penalties, and a team that knows how to score points. If Dallas is an underachieving team with tons of talent, no cohesiveness, and a coach who my dad consistently confuses with Bum Phillips, then Carolina is the opposite: a well coached team that takes advantage of every ounce of talent available. At the end of the day, Carolina and Dallas are the only teams that should, in theory, make the Giants sweat in the NFC playoffs.

2. The Giants are back. The truth of the matter is that at the end of the day, with home field throughout the NFC, only the Giants can keep themselves from getting to the Super Bowl.

And lastly, after watching the Pats/Cardinals game, I'm putting the line for Giants/Cards 2nd round from a cold Meadowlands at Giants -24. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give the Giants Kurt Warner and Co. in the 2nd round.