Thursday, July 10, 2008

Suge Knight-McKenzie

I really can't stand airport security or airports in general. Not only did they make me take my sandals off (come on, seriously) but they also threw out all my shampoo because they weren't the mini bottles. I looked at the guy and I said "Jesus Christ look at me dude, I need every drop of that body wash." Now I don't fly very often so this is news to me but man was I pissed, $40 worth of products going in the garbage or probably that guys home.

So you can understand my frustration at this point. And let's not forget that it was 5am and I'm on like 2 hours of sleep, I was flat out pissed. So I go and look at ridiculously overpriced digital cameras around our terminal and on the other side I hear a guy complaining. I look up and it's Robert Kelly arguing with the guy behind the counter with Jim Norton standing behind him watching. Holy SHIT! It's Rich from Lucky Louie and that doochebag who broke his knee on that Fagasm show! (also Opie and Anthony regulars) Stupid me should have bought that expensive ass camera right there and took a picture with them. But I did shake their hands and greet them. They were nice people.

So wow, the last time I saw a celebrity was 12 years ago with Devo and a friend coming back from a LIVE concert in the city. (We were at a McDonalds and waiting in line behind us was Rebecca Lobo. Props to Devo, he was the only one to say anything to her, "You're Rebecca Lobo. You were on the daily show." She replies, "Yea like 3 years ago." Devin says "Heh, yea, cool." And that was it. It was hilarious (probably to just the 3 of us)). Not really a good stat sheet in regards to celeb status but whatever.

On my plane coming home from the Bahamas it became a guessing game on what celebrities were on the plane. My first thought was..."OH SHIT!" Suge Knight is on our plane! But I noticed he wasn't in handcuffs or wearing any conspicuous jewelry (or holding guns for that matter). My brother (die hard Giant fan) thought it was Kareem McKenzie but second guessed himself when he noticed no Superbowl ring. But who would wear a $25,000 ring out in public like that especially when you're in the Bahamas and could lose it quite easily. (Suge Knight would.) So my brother and I boarded the plane. Not only did we now think it was McKenzie but the gentlemen sitting in front of him looked just like Romeo Crennel. The whole time we're thinking why the hell are these guys in the Bahamas and not getting ready for training camp and the preseason? To make a long story short, sure enough, it was both Crennel and McKenzie. We shook hands with the coach and posed for pictures with McKenzie while getting our luggage. But don't worry, I had a Jets chant going soon enough before we all departed. Great way to end an awesome vacation


1. LADANIAN TOMLINSON – It took Norv Turner midway thru last season to realize that when you give LT the ball, you tend to win games. His numbers took a dip from his record setting season in 2006 but he’s a sure thing for 1800 total yds and at least 18TD’s each season.

2. BRIAN WESTBROOK – He is to Donovan McNabb as Kobe is to white bitches. As long as he can stay healthy (and surprisingly for the last 2 seasons) he is a top 3 fantasy running back.

3. JOSEPH ADDAI – Was hurt for a couple of games during last season but did manage to put up 15 TDs. He practically died out the last 4 games of the season but he’s still a top fantasy running back especially running behind that offensive line.

4. STEVEN JACKSON – He’s been my keeper the last 2 years and was a big part of my success in 2006. Last seasons injury hurt my team bad and Brian Leonard just wasn’t cutting it. With Pace back from injury at left tackle Jackson will have plenty more holes to run through this year.

5. MARION BARBER – It’s now his show in Big D. He’ll split carries with Felix Jones but he’s still the goaline back.

Now I know you’re asking, “Where the hell is Adrian Peterson?” and my answer is; step into my office, because you’re still fucking fired! Here are my safeties and doorknobs:


FRANK GORE – With Martz calling the plays look to see Gore get a lot more of the ball, considering the 49er’s have no wide receivers.

MARSHAWN LYNCH – So now the bills want to include him in the passing game? Now you’re thinking

ADRIAN PETERSON – He’s definitely going to see his load increase this season but can he stay healthy for 16 games? Make sure you draft Chester Taylor in later rounds if AP goes down again because he’ll surely take carries away from him.

CLINTON PORTIS – He’s got some problems holding onto the ball but was a workhorse for the skins last season. Hopefully the help in the passing game can take some pressure off him and the defenses putting 8 in the box.

RYAN GRANT – Probably the best FA pickup on anyone’s team last season. He’ll get the full load this year and as long as he stays healthy he’s a solid pick.

EDGERRIN JAMES – He gets a lot of carries which is good and he manages to stay healthy. I’m positive Whisenhunt will get his shit together and that running game will be a lot better this season.

FRED TAYLOR/MJD – All good things come in pairs. But I stay away from these guys for a reason because you never know whose going to get the ball when you need it. Taylor is the bigger back so expect more carries inside the 5 for him.

BRANDON JACOBS – Slowed by injuries last season and he still had solid numbers. For the big powerful back that he is I’d like to see more TDs come his way and I believe they will. He’ll most definitely double his total from last season (as long as he can stay healthy)


RUDI JOHNSON – He’s falling out of favor with the Bengals. Looks like Kenny Watson might be #1 on the depth chart if Rudi’s injuries and lack of play continue. Stay away from this guy.

TRAVIS HENRY – Is he even signed? I think he’s still a FA. Even so I doubt he’d start anywhere next season, he’d most likely be a backup.

JULIUS JONES – He couldn’t cut it in Dallas and I doubt he’ll do much better in Seattle. Maurice Morris would probably get the goaline calls as well.

RONNIE BROWN – Be careful when you draft him, he’s coming off a leg injury and he might not be back to form right away. I’d take any of the safeties over him if they are still available when you need a back

JUSTIN FARGAS – It might be his show as of now but not for long. McFadden could be the Adrian Peterson of last year so watch out.

LENDALE WHITE – He had a solid season last year but the Titans drafted Chris Johnson with their 1st round pick. Look for his carries to decrease.

DESHAUN FOSTER – Carolina could never get the running game going since Stephen Davis retired. I would stay away from any Carolina back

Things Are Going...Well!?

The Mets just swept a 3 game series from the lowly Giants, right after taking 3 of 4 from the Division-leading Phillies. Did I mention that all six of those wins have a row?! This is truly amazing to me, as the whole team has finally started performing well at the same time. The starting pitching from Perez, Santana and Pelfrey has been stellar. The bullpen has picked each other up after mistakes (cough, Billy Wagner, cough). With Ryan Church on the DL again and Moises Alou maybe not coming back at all, the bench (Chavez, Anderson and TATIS) has been spectacular. Met pitching allowed nine hits over the three games with San Francisco, shutting them out twice. Meanwhile, the team is finally (!) getting two-out hits with runners in scoring position. The team is also scoring a lot of runs and not letting late inning rallies by opposing teams get them down. The last two games of the Phillies series were definitely the most interesting, but the team did not give up, as they might have a month ago. With an 8-2 record in July, I'd have to say that I'm pretty happy...
...which basically means that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will the Rockies come in and sweep? Will the All-Star break take this overdue momentum away from the team? I guess we'll just have to wait and see, but the good news is that the Mets are in this race past the midpoint of the season, and after their rocky start, I can't ask for much more.
David Wright did not make the All-Star team, but he was one of five players in National League's Final Vote, which the fans get to decide. I think I voted for him about 20 times. The voting just ended, so hopefully he made the team. I don't necessarily think the game is that important (even though it counts now, blah blah), but certain players should get the recognition they deserve.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Do's and Dont's of Karaoke

Mahatma, White Boy and I went karaokeing recently along with some other friends of mine. It was their second time that week (and it was only Friday) but it was the first time that I had gone in a few years. While there, I quickly learned what to do and what not to do when doing your best Bill Murray Lost In Translation imitation.

To start off, there are 4 types of people in this world.

1) Those who are simply fantastic singers.
2) Those who are adequate singers.
3) Those who aren't good but either think they're good or still try to sound good regardless.
4) Those who aren't good singers, know they're not good singers, and purposefully try to sound like nothing other than the next William Hung.

If you're (1), more power to you. You're a chosen person. (Not a chosen person like White Boy, Yinzer, MissMet, myself or SHMUCK, but I digress.) You have a gift, and it's fantastic to hear you perform in a karaoke bar. But if you're (2) or (3), a word of advice: STOP TRYING TO SOUND GOOD. YOU'RE IN A GODDAMN KARAOKE BAR! DAVID GEFFEN IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR. NEITHER IS SUGE KNIGHT. (Though that might be a good thing as far as Suge is concerned.) So to make a loud and long story short, stop trying to sound good. Hate to break it to you, but you're not. You're in a loud karaoke bar, trying to do your best imitation of a drunk Japanese businessman. Not only don't you sound good, but no one is impressed that you're trying to sound good. So stop.

A few more do's and don'ts:

Don't: Do rock songs with cool riffs.

Unless you want to hear the Sweet Emotion riff on a synthesizer.

Do: Sing in front of strange, drunk, people
This is becoming a conflict amongst my friends and I. Should you do karaoke in a small room with friends or should you perform in a big crowd full of strangers? I'm in the big crowd group, but apparently most of my people are in the small crowd. On the one hand, with the small rooms, you get to sing in front of your friends, and you get more chances to sing. But on the other hand, what's karaoke if you're not singing in front of a group of strangers? And don't discount the fact that the small rooms are replicas of private rooms at a strip club.

Do: Sing with someone who is less coordinated than you.

Because when you're jumping around to Chumbawumba, not looking as cool as you feel, it's comforting to know that the other dude looks worse.

Don't sing by yourself unless you can get the crowd into it.
This reminds me of when I saw a Taiwanese dude sitting at a table all by himself singing some Chinese song with nothing but 12 empties to keep him company. And sorry to say, but it also reminds me of SUS's own White Boy singing Enter Sandman.

Don't do slow songs.

Unless you're guy (4). In that case you should sing "The Reason," by Hoobastank. Sing it loud, and sing it proud.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Tuesday Night Bullshitting w/ Mahatma

First some random tv bits.

I've watched the new Call Girl show on Showtime and i'm liking it. The story follows a call girl based off of this blog which got tons of hype from everyone and their mothers. I think i heard about it on Gawker. It's not on the level of Dexter yet but still better than all the uh reruns on tv?

Speaking of Showtime, Weeds is okay for me so far. Nothing approaching season two's creamy level of goodness but still it's going.

Batman is looking nasty. The hype this movie is getting is disgusting as opening night is already sold out in places. Here's a trailer for you and yes I'm psyched for Heath Ledger's performance.

On the other side of the coin, there is Tila Tequila. Please just go away. Apparently, she got served by some chick on her show. Hell yes!

I need to watch tv again so send me some suggestions

Sports stuff

The Winter Classic might be going to Chicago next year for Blackhawks/Redwings at Wrigley. The thought of seeing a hockey game at Wrigley would be dope but if the NHL is all about profit and money etc wouldn't it make more sense to have it at a football stadium with more suites, seats and sight lines?Ah well, I guess the Boston Bruin/ NY Rag game @ Yawnk off Stadium isn't going to happen. BOOO!

Let's hear from Sean Avery who apparently now plays for the Dallas Stars.

Thanks Sean. Hopefully you can continue to intern at Vogue: Dallas.

Rags also lost Jaromir Jagr who knows goes to Russia. More on that later as sadly it might be the last time we see him in the NHL.

Wimbledon 2008 final was probably the best match ever according to some. I wish i saw it...

Olympics are just around the corner but I got to say the Olympics were way better as a kid. First off, we had no school/work to worry about and we could follow all our favorite athletes all the time. Anyway, its better than nothing.

Brett Favre ponders comeback. Lord knows we truly need him being discussed again for 20+ minutes on ESPN. I guess you do have to find a way to get Mark Schlereth off the streets.

Apparently, Ron Mexico is in trouble again. Douchebag.

In other news, 14 year old boy masturbates excessively.

Finally, I can't wait to be a parent for times like these:

Hello therapy.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Olive Perez: Exposed!!!! okay maybe just kind of figured out

I have an unhealthy obsession for or rather a frustrating pre-occupation with Oliver Perez. Any pitcher who has a 4.62 era this season yet has an amazing 1.84 era against my favorite team will make me a little nuts. Couple this with the fact that this pitcher is on the Mets, a team who I have no love for, and you have the perfect recipe for making me infuriated by an athlete. So since I am kind of bored and waiting for summer baby-sitting and mentoring gigs to commence until school starts, I thought I'd explore why Oliver Perez kills my team and what this may mean about him in general.

1). He is great against strong offenses who also happen to be rivals- In addition to his paltry 1.84 era against my Yanks this season and 1.20 era against the Yanks in 2007, he has been dominant this year against the rival Phillies going 1-0 with a perfect 0.00 era in three starts. This should have been 2-0 if not for Billy "Chokejob" Wagner coughing up a 2 strike 2 out bomb to Jason Werth yesterday.His dominant performances, particularly this season, against the two powerful lineups of Philly and New York AL, belie his overall 4.62 era. This tells me that Oliver Perez is like a child with ADHD. He has a very high threshold for excitement perhaps an exceedingly high threshold. In other words, he needs to be in big time games that have lots of scrutiny, excitement and energy around them. Only in this high intensity environment will Oliver have the motivation to succeed. Some might say his salary should be enough motivation and I do not disagree, still its noteworthy that his greatest successes this season have come against the two teams Mets fans most want to beat.

2) He is much much better against lefty hitters- Oliver has compiled an impressive .291 On-base percentage against this year against Lefty hitters. This is far superior to his .368 On-base percentage allowed to righty bats. In addition, his 3.96 era vs lefty batters is solid where as his 4.85 era vs righties is well below the league average. This is somewhat expected given that he is of course a lefty hurler himself but it further explains why he dominates the lefty heavy Yankees offense and a Phillies offense that is very much reliant upon the power of lefty batters Ryan Howard and Chase Utley. He throws a wicked slider which has consistently fooled the likes of Howard and Giambi in his 5 total starts against the Yanks and Phils.

What does this mean?- This means that Oliver Perez is just one of those guys that is a big stage pitcher but not a money pitcher. These two things are not necessarily identical. A money pitcher wins a game whenever his team really needs it. Whether or not this game is in September against a bad 2007 Marlins team or a game 7 in 2006 against the Cardinals. A money pitcher like Curt Schilling or John Smoltz would dominate in both situations. Oliver Perez only dominated in the latter spot and got had in the former. Oliver Perez needs a full ballpark with an exciting crowd, hoards of media and spotlights from all over the country or at least the NY area shining upon him to be at his best. This is why he is a big-state pitcher but not a money pitcher. So if you are the Mets, make sure every game Perez pitches is sold out, loud and has lots of extra media around; if you do this Oliver might become a perennial 18-20 game winner instead of a 13-15 win guy like he is now. He has that kind of stuff. If the Mets organization does not help Oliver in the aforementioned ways (and I don't see why Met fans wouldn't come on a soggy Wednesday night against the juggernaut Mariners) then perhaps the Yanks can take a flyer on him this off-season. Every Yankee game is sold out and the crowd is always pretty raucous. Hmmmm.......

Sunday, July 6, 2008

The Anorexic Nigerian Does it!

The Anorexic Nigerian moves his weight/batting average up to .143! But seriously, who didn't see Brett Gardner taking down one of the two most unhittable pitchers in baseball?

Yanks/Sox Diary: I Really Don't Like Derek Jeter

Let’s be honest: there’s a 59% chance that the Yankee season is done. They may make a run, they may not. But either way, I’m excited for tonight, as Joba makes his first start against the enemy. I’m absolutely not guaranteeing that I’m going to keep a diary of the entire game. But I will promise to maintain a diary until I grow bored.

8:01 Oh, good, a recap of the Yanks/Sox rivalry. Haven’t seen this before. If I were an ESPN production assistant, I definitely would have tried to sneak in a quick ½ second clip of “The Catch.”

8:10 1 up. 1 out. When Joba throws a perfect game, just remember I called it first.

8:12 2 up. 2 ground outs to A-Rod. And A-Rod now has two consecutive putouts since his wife publicly announced that she would be filing for divorce.

8:13 J.D. Drew, Boston Red Sox, All Star. My, what a difference a grand slam against Cleveland makes. For both teams.

8:15 1 walk, 3 ground outs to A-Rod. Joba looks good. Joba looks real good. No-hitter still in effect.

8:17 I’m not saying that the Yankees miss Johnny Damon in the leadoff spot (or for that matter, that Joe Girardi can’t manage) but if our leadoff hitter were hitting his weight, even Africans would be calling him anorexic.

8:18 And Brett “the Nigerian Anorexic” Gardner just lost 4 points/lbs off his batting average.

8:19 A silver lining to Gardner: if he can’t get on, that means Jeter can’t hit into a double play. In this instance, it means that Jeter’s free to fly out to Manny. In related news, Jeter’s around .280, Cano is around .250, and White Boy made a bet with me that Cano will have a higher batting average than Jeter by August 1. The worst part about this trade? I now have to root for Jeter. It’s fun to root against Jeter in this town. He has Michael Young’s stats and Joe Namath’s fairly-overrated legacy. Trust me on that.

8:27 Youk single. Maybe we’ll get a no hitter on Tuesday from Ponson.

8:28 Sean Casey up. In related news, Sean Casey-still playing baseball.

8:29 “What a play by Jeter,” says John Miller. I agree; Jeter almost had to range to his left or right and then make a throw ON THE FLY from the shortstop position to Giambi. BEST. SHORTSTOP. EVER. Onto the bottom of the 2nd.

8:32 Home Run. A-Rod. If he keeps this up, Yankee fans are going to have to ask Cindy to send him divorce papers every week. In related news, different trajectory, but landed almost in the exact same spot as the Aaron Boone hr in 2003.

8:36 Giambi flew out. And more importantly, they got through an at-bat without showing the random porn-staches throughout the stadium. Praise allah.

8:36 “What’s great about Mantle’s plaque, is it says ‘great teammate.’ That’s all you need to know about him.”-Joe Morgan. Cut the crap, Joe. Isn’t that just synonymous for “Got all the endorsements, paid everyone’s bar tab?”

8:43 Joba- 1-2-3 in the 3rd. *yawn*

8:47 Melky strikes out. So I’m on record as saying that when you have 8 damn good hitters in the Yankees lineup, you can live with Melky being lousy. That said, when you have Molina catching and the Anorexic Nigerian leading off, you need Melky to not suck.

8:49 I’m an idiot. Manny isn’t playing and it took me until the 4th inning to realize it. So much for playing against the best the AL has to offer. No Manny, no Papi, but new Masshole-favorite J.D. Drew is in the line up at least. Eh. In other news, the Anorexic Nigerian is now down to .056.

8:55 Jeter, making the shortstop equivalent of Mays’ catch against the Indians, ranges to his left, throws to first (and had to re-grip the ball according to Joe Morgan!) and gets Pedroia out. Who knows where the ’08 Yankees would be without Jeter. (10 games above .500?)

9:02 Wow. Dioner Navarro made the all star team. I’m not saying he was doing bad for a long time, but he was so bad that the Yankees were actually considered the winners in the Randy Johnson trade.

9:09 Uh oh. Runners on 1st and 3rd for the Sox, no one out. And Mariano Rivera is not walking through that door for a few innings. And even worse, we don’t look like we’re scoring more than 2-3 runs tonight.

9:13 Wild pitch. Tied score. Nice of Youk to slide into home with spikes up. Throw at his head next time, Joba! (Note: On replay, it wasn’t as bad, but it’d still be fun to see Joba throw at someone)

9:26 Bitch ass single by Dustin Pedroia. 3-1 Sox. It shouldn’t be enough to beat the Yankees, but anyone who has seen this version of the Yankees knows that it probably will be.

9:40 Haven’t been paying attention. And then Joba threw a pitch behind Youk, scaring him. Atta boy Joba! The Joe Girardi Era: Losing with an attitude!

9:49 Joe Girardi pulling a Pinella/Martin and arguing about a pitch for no reason other than to get thrown out and motivate the team.

9:50 And it worked! The Anorexic Nigerian nearly doubled his average!

9:51 If I could hear Jeter’s thoughts, I bet they’d be something like, “Middle infielders are playing at double play depth, just the way I like it.”

9:52 Gardner pisses off the Captain by stealing 2nd and breaking up the double play.

9:53 RBI single for Jeter! Always loved ya, Captain!

9:56 Jeter promptly apologizes for not hitting into a double play by getting picked off of 2nd after Pedroia makes a nice catch. Love this team. If nothing else, they’re horribly consistent.

10:00 Oh good, Joba’s out. And why would we leave our best pitcher in the game? Anyone else starting to think that Girardi isn’t the best manager of all time?

10:03 In Jeter’s defense, he just showed great range getting a ball on the other side of 2nd base. But more importantly, he Knoblauched the ball into the stands. Lugo on 2nd.

10:06 Kevin Cash doubles down the line. 4-2 Red Sox, in what I like to think of as “The Lead that Girardi and Jeter Built” Seriously, Joba couldn’t have done this too?

10:08 Jeter throws out Ellsbury. And Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best,” pumps out of the loudspeaker.

10:11 So apparently because this game is on ESPN, we’re not “treated” to God Bless America and a moment of silent prayer. *tear*

10:23 Down 2, 1st and 3rd, 1 out. Cano up. No way he doesn’t strikeout or hit into a double play.

10:24 And as I say that Cano triples. Oops. My bad. 4-4! Tied up! (I’d like to point out that we’d be winning if not for Jeter’s screwups. Just sayin.)

10:32 And like many a Yankee/Sox game before it, this game’s going to be decided by the bullpens. In related news, I still don’t like the Yankees’ chances at all.

10:36 Time for Farnsworth to do what we all know he is capable of, but is yet to show the Yankees this year: his ability to singlehandedly lose a big game for the Yanks.

10:58 Mo in to try and get the win in the 9th. Hopefully yesterday was an aberration. Not looking good so far, Moss on 2nd with 1 out.

11:01 Manny up. 2 outs, runner on 3rd. If Mo pitches to him, I’m calling a bloop single.

11:04 Nice of Manny to show up. For what it’s worth, I could’ve had as productive an at bat as Manny, watching 3 strikes go by.

11:20 Nice and easy 10th for Mo. I’m going to stay up and watch the rest of this game, but the diary is going to have to come to an end, but before we say goodbye to the diary, let us review what we learned:

-I do not like Derek Jeter. Or as he should be known from here on out, Michael Young Namath. (Or MYN for short.)
-I don’t think Girardi is a great manager. But I’m willing to overlook this for the sake of seeing our pitchers throw at opposing hitters and because it’s fun watching Girardi lose his temper.

Our Bad of the Week

"Having an "auto-replace" filter seemed like a good notion at the time to folks at the conservative
American Family Association's Web site. There were certain words that would pop up from time to time in the Associated Press stories that moved onto the site that were a bit salacious, or unacceptable to post.

"We don't have the staff to monitor all the Hollywood stories," news director Fred Jackson said yesterday, "so we wanted an automated function." He said they put up the filter about a month or so ago.

One word they wanted to filter was "gay." The site felt that the term put the matter of homosexuality "in a positive light," Jackson said, when the evangelical Christian organization was much opposed. So when a wire story referred to gay marriage, for example, the phrase would automatically appear as "homosexual marriage."

Worked fine until Sunday, when the AP reported that "Tyson Homosexual easily won his semifinal for the 100 meters at the U.S. Olympic track and field trials." The story was headlined "Homosexual eases into 100 final at Olympic trials."

Full article here