Fredo Picks, week 14!

Jacksonville (+6.5) at Chicago
Devo: The only times I've ever been near Jacksonville have been on long drives back to Jersey. In other words, I'd see Jacksonville and think, "good, 4 hours down, 17 to go." And that's one of the nicer things said about Jacksonville. Pick: Chicago.
Mahatma: Driving through Jacksonville is just above having a kidney stone on my list of things to do. Pick: Chicago.

BH: I thought Jews were smart enough not to drive from Miami to New Jersey. Thats why they invented planes. Pick: Chicago

Green Bay (+6) at Houston
Devo: Houston is one helluva sprawled out city. But unlike Green Bay, it's an actual city. Pick: Houston
Mahatma: Green Bay has people that will buy Steeler fans shots of jello. Pick: Green Bay
BH: Cheese curds beat refugees any day. Pick: Green Bay

Minnesota (-9) at Detroit
Devo: Hey Zigy, where's my heat? Pick Detroit
Mahatma: I mean I know the Red Wings are good but not that good. Pick: Minnesota
BH: Minnesota does not enjoy the undying hatred I have for Michigan. Pick: Minny

Miami (+1) at Niagra Falls
Devo: Apparently things are so bad in upstate New York they need NFL bailouts from Canada. Pick: Miami
Mahatma: Dexter is from Miami and while he is a fictional character i'm still going with him. Pick: Miami
BH: I imagine this is what it felt like when Montreal and Toronto got baseball teams. Just feels wrong. Fuck Canada. Pick: Miami

New England (-4.5) at Seattle
Devo: The closest you come to a snowman in Seattle is the Artist formerly known as Layne Staley. Pick: New England

Mahatma: Seattle has grunge music. Pick: Seattle
BH: It hurts me to pick them, but coffee roasters dont have great track records beating lobstermen. Pick: N'ingland

The Brooklyn Hillbilly Wants You To Know His Week 14 Picks

Ahh, its December again. Time for constant Christmas carols, increasing wind, decreasing temperatures and people being stampeded by rabid shoppers(gotta love the lady at :18 losing her wig).



Cincinnati at Indianapolis(-13.5, 42)
How in Gods name can you pick Indy to cover a spread this big? I know, I know, its the Bungles, but still. I guess that's what happens when you win 5 games in a row. But with an average margin of victory at 4 points in those games(and the last 3 vs garbage teams), Peyton and friends cant be inspiring a lot of confidence in gamblers.

But lets be honest, we don't really need to talk about this game specifically, but where the Colts are positioned for the playoffs. Right now, as a 5 seed, the Colts are in line to play in Denver in the Wild Card Round. Of course, the currently 6th seeded Ravens may be playing as a 2 or 3 seed come January, forcing Pittsburgh to the 5 seed and the Colt to 6 and a date with Mrs. John Madden at the Meadowlands. They do not want that to happen. Regardless, the Colts look like they are gonna lose within the first 2 rounds of the playoffs. I like Peyton as much as the next fantasy owner, but this team is just getting lucky. Sure, Manning is winning games for them with sheer will, but that's not going to cut it against Pittsburgh, Tennessee or the Jets in the playoffs. I like this team to keep steady, secure a 5 seed and lose in the first round. Sorry Peyton, my sympathy ends once the fantasy football season does. Y'all will win this one though, if its any consolation. Colts win but still can't cover, 24-17

Still the coolest(and coldest) fan in the NFL

Kansas City at Denver(-8.5, 48.5)
Denver is the poster child for teams that wont make it far in the playoffs. Few teams can match the Jekyll/Hyde dynamic of the Broncos with an explosive offense and a truly horrific defense. They are 26th or worse in every significant defensive category. A week after beating the upstart Falcons, they lost by 3 touchdowns to the Raiders, a team whose head coach pulled a Peter from Office Space to get fired. Then they came back and beat the Jets in Jersey by 17. What can you say about that? It seems there are two teams lurking in that locker room and if Denver wants to get past the first round of the playoffs the one that gives up 400yds and has a -11 turnover differential needs to be killed and dumped in a trash compacter out by the airport on 75th Ave off Pena Blvd.(That's where I dump my dead hookers when I'm in Denver. Good spot to make problems disappear.)

Anyway, this is another team that I just cant get excited about for the playoffs. Theres just too many major flaws to compete with the big 4 in the AFC(yes, I'm actually including Balmor in that group). We all know defense is critical in the playoffs and I just don't see the Broncos bringing it. Don't get me wrong, they could definitely pull an upset by forcing one of those big 4 to get into a shootout, but that will not last them to Tampa. The future of the franchise looks good however, Shanny will have a chance to fill some major holes in the defense this winter and spring and they have what is shaping up to be one of the best QBs in the league. The future is bright Denver, but sunrise is still at least a year away. Again, you will win this week, if that is any consolation. Donkeys kick out the jams 28-17(they finally cover a home game).

Party like it's 1988

It's like you're 7 years old all over again complete with rabbit ears boob tube and TV guide to check out what's on. Brilliant stuff...

Maybe White Boy can translate this for me...

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere

but if its spanish for pretty cool than I'm good.

SIT DOWN WITH SHMUCK

It’s that time of year again my friends, the playoffs are here!

For those of you who were lucky to make the playoffs, congratulations. And may I give a big F U to the Bears defense and Adrian Peterson last week, may you all get herpes.

I may have stated earlier in the year that I took place in 6 different fantasy football leagues this season. I know, you think I’m crazy, well I am. I also have a problem with just saying "no" apparently. If a friend or colleague asks me to fill a spot in their league, I never back down. Consider me the DD for fantasy (oh god that’s corny!).

So of all my leagues I’ve made the playoffs in 4 of them, but unfortunately not are current friendly SUS league (I will never draft a Masshole, Patriot, Cheater ever again). So 4 leagues, three of them chances on winning money; not too shabby.

With the exception of the Chargers and Raiders game (because Jack Daniels forgot to tell me it was Thursday) here are some suggestions on who to play if you’re pondering who to start this weekend in what I’ll call; “SHMUCKS FANTASY FACTOR.”
(I’ll work on a better name next week…or next year)

Now obviously you're going to start players like L.T., Adrian Peterson, Drew Brees etc. regardless. These are the guys who aren't on your "stud" list that you would consider:

START (running backs)

PEYTON HILLIS RB, BRONCOS - The 5th starting running back this season for the Broncos and so far so good. He’s been getting better each and every game, last week, running for a career high 129yds and 2 TD’s

Sammy Morris RB, PATRIOTS - Even though he splits carriers with Faulk and Ben-Jarvis Green, Morris is still #1 on the depth charts. He’s good for a score against a struggling Seahawk defense

LEON WASHINGTON RB, JETS – The running game is not a problem for the Jets. I expect to see a few screens come from the Jets. If LW gets the call, look for him to break one.










SIT

CLINTON PORTIS RB, REDSKINS – Baltimore is the leagues best run defense, end of story. If you have another option don’t hesitate to go with it

MARION BARBER, RB COWBOYS – Broken toe or not, the Cowboys will have a hard time running the football all game against the Steelers.

KEVIN SMITH, RB LIONS – If the suspension of Pat and Kevin Williams were still in effect I would say totally start him but with the Judge’s ruling and both DT’s likely to play I suggest benching every Detroit player you’ve got.

JAMAL LEWIS, RB BROWNS – It’s been a tough season for the Brownies; so much hype for them coming into the season.

START (quarterbacks)

MATT CASSELL QB, PATRIOTS – He’s proven he can play extremely well against non competitive teams. Well the Seahawks are as about as bad as it gets. Oh and did I mention that they are last in the league in pass defense?

KERRY COLLINS QB, TITANS – The Titans are a run first team but Cleveland has been pretty decent against the run at times. They’ll try to make Collins beat them through the air, and he will

BRETT FAVRE QB, JETS – I think Mangini will let the gunslinger loose. The Jets have been cautious with their play calling, plus the running game has been really effective.

SIT

JASON CAMPBELL QB, REDSKINS – He’s a good player but a lousy fantasy contributor.

DONOVAN MCNABB QB, EAGLES – If Westbrook doesn’t play then I would really consider benching McNabb. He wasn’t too horrible in their first meeting and Pierce hasn’t been suspended yet for the Giants

JAKE DELHOMME QB, PANTHERS – Sure the Panthers are a better team when he’s under center but fantasy wise I beg to differ. Plus they play a good Bucs team who shut down Brees and the Saints high-powered passing attack last week

START (wide receivers)

MARQUES COLSTON WR, SAINTS – The game between the Falcons and Saints is going to be a shootout. Brees loves to spread the ball around but his go to guy is still Colston. Lance Moore could take away some endzone touches but I think MC will respond big this weekend.

VINCENT JACKSON WR, CHARGERS – I know, they played already but for your information I totally benched Andre Johnson and started this man instead. 5 catches, 148yds and a Touchdown…BOOO YAHH!!!

BERNARD BERRIAN WR, VIKINGS – I was never high on this guy when he was with the Bears. I’m still not. But he’s playing against Detroit, enough said.

SIT

DWAYNE BOWE WR, CHIEFS – Champ Bailey is back this week and I don’t like Dwayne’s chances. Plus I’m sure the Chiefs will want to run the ball a lot, wear down the defense and keep Cutler and company off the field.

ROY WILLIAMS WR, COWBOYS – I really thought he’d make a bigger impact. But I guess he’s still learning the offense so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus T.O. might bitch if he Roy gets more looks than he does

SANTANA MOSS WR, REDSKINS – Ravens are a physical defense. All of their cornerbacks tower over Moss. If the Redskins o-line can give Campbell time to his Moss deep then there’s a chance he’ll be effective, but very unlikely.

START (tight ends)

BO SCAIFE TE, TITANS – Offensive Coordinator Hermeindeger loves to use tight ends. Scaife is the teams leading receiver and has gotten more endzone looks than his counterpart Alge Crumpler. Look for Bo to get in the endzone on Sunday

DUSTIN KELLER TE, JETS – He’s become Favre’s favorite target and if the ol’gunslinger is let loose, I’d make sure Keller is starting especially if the Jets are in the endzone because we all know they don’t run the ball on 3rd and short.

SIT

GREG OLSEN TE, BEARS – He comes, he goes, he comes back again, then he disappears for 3 games. Forte is the only Bear worth starting

KELLEN WINSLOW JR. TE, BROWNS – This distraction hasn’t produced much all season. Of course I finally decide to draft him instead of taking Chris Johnson…HUGE MISTAKE

If you own more than one kicker or defense at this point….I don’t like you and you’re a horrible fantasy player

SHMUCKS PICKS (10-14-2)

ATLANTA FALCONS (-3) vs. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

NFC East arguably is considered the toughest division in football. But the South is not too far behind. They are the only other division (in the NFC) that doesn’t have a team with a losing record (Bucs 9-3, Pant 9-3, Atl. 8-4, and New Orl. 6-6). After the whole Vick debacle, Falcons were considered to be in a rebuilding season and would finish in the ladder of the division. They clearly are the biggest surprise in the NFL led behind ROTY candidate QB Matt Ryan. They just keep finding ways to win. Currently they sit 1 game behind the Bucs and Panthers and are tied for the last wild card playoff spot with the Cowboys.
Saints have been probably the most inconsistent team in the NFL this season. They were my prediction to represent the NFC this year in the Superbowl and they haven’t played like that at all. Drew Brees is having a career year and the offense can put up the points. Their biggest question is their defense. Injuries to the defensive line (Sedric Ellis, Charles Grant, and Will Smith) have hurt the Saints and their secondary can’t cover anybody.
This game is crucial for the Saints. If they want any chance of a playoff spot they need to win the rest of their games out and finish 10-6. Falcons have won 6 of their last 8 and are on a roll. McAllister and Grant are suspended for the rest of the season quite possibly, a huge blow to the team. Although the Saints are home and Reggie Bush is back to take some pressure off Brees, I think they are no match for the Falcons. Atlanta is healthy and can play both good offense and defense. They beat the Saints at home, even surrendering over 500yds to them on offense. This one is going to be an aerial assault and the Falcons will prevail increasing their playoff chances.

Falcons 37, Saints 33

NEW YORK JETS (-4) vs. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

The Jets had a chance to build a 2 game lead against the Massholes in the AFC East (which they haven’t won since 2002) but blew it at home against an inconsistent Denver Broncos team. There’s no question that a two game lead with 4 games left in the season would have been huge for the Jets. Gang Green needs to respond in a big way as they head west.
49ers have won 2 of their last 3 (all under interim coach Mike Singletary) and are playing much better (benching Vernon Davis helps too). They still have problems moving the ball effectively on offense but the defense has come up huge these last few weeks. Last week against Buffalo they allowed only one FG in 4 redzone attempts and won the game 10-3.
Teams like the 49ers are dangerous for the playoff potential Jets, they have nothing to lose. Whatever their identity may be, the Jets need to find it and get it back. The strength of the 49ers is their running game. Frank Gore is having yet another good season. Their passing game on the other hand is having less success as quarterback protection has been an on-going battle for the offensive line. Jets can bring the pressure and they need too, not just to disrupt the passing game but to gain their confidence back after a poor showing last week. Jets have too much talent to fall into a slump, they know they can play better and they will.

Jets 35, 49ers 17

Devo's Picks (12-14)

Philly (+7) over GIANTS

6 reasons to take Philly in this game

1. It's supposed to snow and at the very least be cold and windy. That doesn't mean Philly wins, in fact it probably favors the Giants overall. But 7 points is a lot.

2. 7 points is a lot in general to give for an NFC East game, whether it's in December, September, or Madden.

3. Corey Webster is questionable. I don't really have any beef with Aaron Ross, but I'd rather have C-Web on Desean Jackson. Ross tends to give ridiculously huge cushions on receivers. Though in his defense, when Ross does this, he doesn't get beat deep, unlike the ghost of Will Allen.

4. The Eagles play to the same level of every team they face, whether it's the Cowboys, Giants (5 point loss in November), or Cincinnati (the 1 in the 6-5-1).

5. The Giants can overcome distractions, but the cloud surrounding them with the Harris Smith incident is too much. More specifically, the distractions to the Giant emotional leader, AP is going to leave him woefully underprepared this week.

6. I think I've been too afraid to take the Giants all year. The result? A lousy record for me, but an 11-1 run for Big Blue.

7 reasons to take the Giants in this game

1. Find a better team in the NFL.

2. Donovan McNabb has SUCKED for most of this year and has seemingly been unable to string together two good weeks in a row.

3. Westbrook has a few injuries and may not play because after all, he rarely PLAYS two weeks in a row.

4. When Westbrook doesn't play, McNabb sucks.

5. The Eagles were dead a few weeks ago. They delayed the inevitable with a win over the WAAYYY overrated Cardinals. It ends here, Philly.

6. Earth, Wind, & Fire. Next issue.

7. But for a few turnovers, the Giants completely dominated the last game vs Philly from a yardage perspective. Take away the turnovers this game, the Giants win by 14.

But most importantly, see reason #6 to pick the Eagles. Giants win, Eagles cover.

Giants: 13
Eagles: 9


ARIZONA (-14) over St. Louis

Have you ever seen a team as soft as the Cardinals? I mean, outside of the 4 current NFC South teams. This Arizona team will probably play either Atlanta or Dallas at home in the first round as the 3 seed. They may win that game, but they're going to get beaten next round by Carolina or Tampa. And if that's not true, Giants 48, Arizona 20.

And another thing that grinds my gears-can we please put to bed all of the Kurt Warner Hall of Fame talk? The man has had three great, mvp-like seasons. And yeah, said seasons were great, but every non-mvp season that Warner has had has been TERRIBLE! If Terrell Davis isn't going to get a whiff of the Hall of Fame, then there's no way that Warner should be allowed within 50 miles of Canton during the summer months. Lucky for Warner, the Rams are bad. Like Kurt Warner on the Giants bad. Like Kurt Warner at a Kwanzaa festival celebration bad.

Arizona 38
St. Louis 10

Oh, and one last thing-does Anquan Boldin still want to be traded? Granted there's nothing more valuable than a draft pick in the hands of Jerry Reese, but suddenly, I'm willing to give the Giants 2nd and 5th round picks for the wideout if he still wants out of Arizona.

Planned Parenthood Gift Card...This Year's Tickle-Me-Elmo?

Well, it looks like the new holiday gift craze is upon us, and Planned Parenthood is stepping in where Mattel slacked off by selling what everyone is sure to crave...PLANNED PARENTHOOD GIFT CARDS!!! Yup, you may not be able to get the gift that Junior wants, but you can certainly get rid of the potential little brother that Junior never wanted. Addition by subtraction that a 6-year-old is sure to comprehend.

And frankly, I'm glad that the older crowd finally has a gift that they can use. What the hell is a 19 year old boy or his 14 year old girlfriend supposed to with a Tickle-Me-Elmo? Sure, the gift certificate may cost $50 now, but think of how much it's going to save when you don't have to take Jane Q. Aborted to a Miley Cyrus Jr. Concert in 13 years? And yeah, $50 may be a lot now, but college tuition aint getting cheaper, even for the county college your mistake-by-the-lakehouse is sure to end up attending. Worried that you're going to deprive the world of the next great leader/scientist/Nobel blah blah blah? Have no fear...you think anything like that is coming from your demon seed? Please. You'll be lucky if your hard earned tax dollars go somewhere other than the welfare money required to feed Jane Q.'s crack habit.

Look, all I know is that I'm glad I finally found a universal one-size-fits-all hannukah gift for Yinzer, White Boy, MissMet, a Kwanzaa gift for SHMUCK and BH, and a sorry-your-country-is-under-attack gift for Mahatma. And frankly, I think it's screwed up that I'm the one who has to pay for all of this. I mean, let's be honest, sure SUS staff will be honored to have their own personal coat hanger they can display in their trophy case for all to see, but isn't society going to be the true beneficiary if a simple $50 gift card can help prevent the Mahatma/Nicole Richie or BH/Arianna Huffington reproduction that we all want to avoid?

Mahatma's Picks (17-10)

Cleveland Browns (+14) @ Tennessee Titans

(nice controller, loser)

I almost forgot about the vaunted Titans and that they continue to exist despite only having one loss this season. I guess that's what happens when you play the most awful team in the last 30 years and on Thanksgiving. Now there schedule can only get tougher as the DANGEROUS Cleveland Browns come to town. The Browns were last seen getting beat BARELY by the Colts and are slowly resembling the team from last year. Uhh or not. Not with Brady "I love my friend's cock" Quinn and Derek "I'm terrible but rich" Anderson both out, the stupendous Ken Dorsey returns from clipboard holding to show the world how Anderson and Quinn were both way better options. Tennessee feasted on the Lions and might be in for a closer game than expected. Browns defense has been playing well and the Titans don't have the vertical threats in the passing game to break their hearts. So it's up to Dorsey to not screw it up. He will but atleast it would be late! Regardless, this asshat will still throw his beer.

PICK:
Tennesee - 24
Cleveland - 14


Dallas Cowboys (+3) @ Pittsburgh Steelers

This might be the most watched game of the season and for obvious reasons. You got a storied rivalry that makes even the oldest of yinzers seem like its 1976 all over again. You got "America's" team (bs) vs. the team with the most fans in league and two damn good teams. Dare a say a superbowl preview? Possibly but that's almost 2 months away and things change. The Steelers have exorcised some demons last week against the vaunted Cheats and are wildly getting praise and accolades. Except that game was nearly as much of a blowout as indicated. Yes the Steelers are a good team but at any moment they can revert back to guys that layed an egg in the 4Q against the Giants and the entire Eagle game.

The Cowpokes have gotten on a bit of roll to coincide with the return of pinkie boy but barely beat the Redskins and beat up two of the league's worst teams in San Fran and Seattle. Now fresh of a 10 day layoff, I can already hear the words statement game from ESPN and the like minded idiots. In fact, this is the Cowboys season right here. Win this and they have momentum going into a huge rematch with the Giants and a likely playoff berth. Lose this and than your season is more or less over. Perhaps this is what this team needs though to get its act together.

The Cowboys must get out to a lead early. Last week, Randy Moss was open the entire game but couldn't catch a cold. TO unlike Moss actually can catch and doesn't care about getting jacked up. Jason Whitten though is the one that should scare me the most. He is Romo's security blanket (now more so without a healthy Barber) and will like get a lot of looks early. Steelers also have no one to cover him one on one. On the bright side, he is playing with 2 broken ribs and has yet to actually been hit hard over the middle. That will change this week. This might be the week we also see Roy Williams make an impact. Williams is a big time player when he is on but still has yet to grasp the Cowpoke offense. Crayton at #3 is a wuss and will disappear if the Steelers hit him and they will. Romo needs to have his offensive line step up and protect them this game. I think they do that so he can't do anything stupid. Except Romo does do about 3 stupid things a game so that works for me. If their line holds up, I like their chances with Romo evading the pass rush but that cold air and wind will effect those soft touch passes Romo makes.

Other side of the ball, Demarcus Ware is a beast and is coming back. He will make an impact. I have a sneaky suspision that all week we hear and will hear about the Steelers pass rush but the Cowshits have a pretty nasty one themselves and two shitty OTs to go up against. Also of note, Adam Jones returns to the line up. Objectively, the Steelers should do some good things on this defense but that would involve the OC removing his head from his ass, the O-line removing their heads from their asses and BRoth also doing the same. They have taken strides but they aren't quite there just yet. Could this be the week they do just that? Ben has been getting better and above average speed Willie Parker is back. The Boys secondary is still terrible and can get lit up if our shitty OTs man up.

My mind actually changed on this game while writing this. Hey Titans, we're coming for you motherfuckers.

PICK:
Pittsburgh Steelers - 27
Dallas Cowboys - 17

The Good, the bad, the Jets

One morning you’re Superbowl favorites and the next you’re just contenders. Jets were riding a 5 game winning streak and were looking almost unstoppable after the Tennessee win. But teams are figuring out Gang Green’s weaknesses and their inabilities (like to convert on 3rd or 4th and short). I think these wet dreams of a Jets/Giants Superbowl started to get in some peoples heads (possibly even the Jets themselves). Giants are without a doubt the best team in football, even without Burress (but Pierce on the other hand, now that’s a different story) so a Superbowl between the two would be a lobsided victory for the Gmen. Jets may have found their identity, now they just have to figure out how to maintain it on a week-to-week basis. But I don’t understand how after one loss this team loses all credibility as an elite contender in the AFC. You know, no team is perfect. In fact, the Massholes got manhandled by the Steelers and yet experts are not throwing the towel on them like they’re the Jets. Here are a few things Jets need to work on:

- COACHING – If it weren’t for some bad tackling by the Broncos on defense it almost looked like they had a copy of our offensive playbook. Every first down the Broncos stacked 8 in the box and stuffed the Jets running game. On 3rd and short they were ready for the short passes, cutting the slants and swinging linebackers out to cover the short dump offs. Schottenheimer’s play calling had been really good until today’s game and he didn’t make any of the necessary judgments in the 2nd half. Mangini and Sutton could not generate a pass rush. The Broncos double teamed Kris Jenkins and played 2 gap all game. Every play he was eaten up and was completely ineffective. The defenses big weakness has been the pass. Teams are throwing away from Revis and Rhodes and it clearly shows. Ty Law was great against the Patriots but the last 2 weeks he's been shaky. Abram Elam might not be the solution at Free safety. Corner and safety should be needs in next years draft.

- OFFENSE - All the money paid to that offensive line to help the running game and yet on 3rd, 4th and shorts the Jets still throw the ball. Run that ball up the middle behind your best players (Faneca, Mangold, Moore)!

I have a bone to pick with the NFL committee. If a man is on the ground and down covering the football the play needs to be whistled dead. Instead 3 seconds after Cotchery covers up the fumble 2 Bronco defenders jump on top of him and the ball pops out. Why did they have to throw all their body weight down on him like that? I find that unfair.

And another thing; everytime Favre was getting in some kind of rhythm it seemed like a different Bronco player went down with an injury. They did this 5 times in the 2nd half and all of those injured players came back on the field in the next few plays. THAT'S BULLSHIT! Mike Shanahan has always been praised as a good coach, but that is just F'in dirty on his part. Guys like him and Belichek take advantage of bad rules like these and it seriously pisses me off.

Either Favre's arm is still hurting him or Schottenheimer is taking away the deep ball. You traded for a QB with an arm and yet you still keep throwing the dink and dunk passes to the TE's and RB's? I think Pennington has more deep ball completions than Favre does this season.

Jets need to win with superior execution, not with these trickery plays all the time. Until they learn this simple maxim they will not get far in the playoffs and will be outsmarted by the dumbest and inexperienced of NFL coaches.

- DEFENSE - Eric Barton, you have been in the league for 10 years and yet you still act like in immature college punk. You're so lucky that it was 4th and long or those 5 yards really would of hurt the team on that drive. Start playing smarter. I can't wait until David Harris comes back and Barton can just sit back and only have to worry about not putting a late hit on the QB. Corners need to bump the receivers more on the line. They did a lot in the first half but the Jets d-line was not getting any QB pressure. Cutler was just simply picking them apart. Sutton and Mangini need to devise so more blitz packages, especially when your overall defensive scheme is just not working.

This clearly was a bad game but there is a brightside to this; that was probably the toughest opponent the Jets have left on their schedule. Doesn't mean they should take the next 4 games lightly. The loss by the Massholes keeps the Jets atop the AFC East but still only by 1 game. As long as they win won of their last 2 division games against Buffalo or Miami they will have the conference record advantage if a tie in first place were to ocurr. But this shouldn't be an option in their minds. They need to win out and win big. They need to prove that the team last week against the Titans was for real and that they can play some ball. As I see it right now the Jets can play against the physical teams. The 3 AFC teams that scare me are the Steelers, Colts and Titans. If they don't fix their problems with the play calling and their secondary, I can almost guarantee a first round exit.

Why I'm a Douchebag: Yinzer Edition

There is a simple fact in life: all hardcore sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags.

Click here to see why SHMUCK is a douchebag.
Click here to see why Mahatma is a douchebag. Click here to see why MissMet is a tool. Click here to see why White Boy South Bronx is a douchebag. Click here to see why Devo is a douchebag.

Superstition

I think this is everyone to be honest. I hate superstition; think it's a crock of shit. Yet when it comes to my teams, especially the Penguins, it's everything. It like it turns us into instant hypocrites or something. We know it's BS yet we cant help but believe it. Maybe we just don't want to be "that guy" whose lack of belief lost the big game.

I will cheer for players to get injured

But not just any players. It's not like I want some cornerback to get Joe Theisman-ed because he intercepted a pass, or a forward get cross checked because he scored a goal. No, the players like those in our "athletes I wouldn't piss on" articles. We're talking people like Tie Domi, Barry Bonds, Latrell Sprewell and Pacman Jones. You know, the real despicable players who are there to injure others, diminish the game they play or are just out and out complete uber douches. Or like Ray Lewis who murders people. Cant forget the criminals.

I actually cheered for MLB to fold during their last strike

Nope, not joking. I really dislike baseball that much (and yes, I know some of you dislike hockey that much, no need to go into it). Especially since a nice big payroll is the key. There are reasons why other sports have caps: to balance things. Baseball? Not so much. Seeing some washed up, out of shape fatass get five million dollars because it's considered market value is absurd to me. Watching baseball actually physically aggravates me I dislike it so much.

If you cheer for certain teams, I think you lack morals.

And by "certain teams" I mean pretty much whoever my team is playing. Or the Patriots and Flyers. We'll use the Pats cause everyone knows them. See, the fans not only support guys like Rodney Harrison who is out to hurt others, Bill Belichick who cheats to win, and Tom Brady who thinks that whole "women and children first" line is the punch line to a joke, but they justify it all. How you can cheer for, and vehemently defend guys who are pieces of crap and shit on the game is just beyond me. So I'm led to the conclusion that something is screwy with you. I don't get how you can side with a team that themselves lacks integrity. And you're cheering for my team to lose and that's not cool. Ass.

Apparently, given the choice of watching the pole dancer or football, football is the correct answer

Due to the Steelers laying an egg for three and a half quarters, me and my compatriots went to the strip bar to drown our sorrows in booze and boobs. The Steelers started to make a game of it towards the end, and my friends starting watching the game (which for some reason was on in the strip bar) with the futile hope that somehow Bill Cowher would somehow actually drive a comeback. Me? I knew better so I was staring at the juggling jugs in front of me for a mere George Washington. They cheered for the Steelers, I cheered for the girl on my lap. Call me crazy, a douchebag, or even straight, but I thought the girls were a lot more amusing.

Your Monthly Sean Avery Update

If this was last year, I'd call him an asshole, douche, goat fucker, what have you, but now since Sean isn't wearing that puke ridden Rag jersey I kindof like him.

What was the cause of this change of heart? This amazing gem:

"I'm really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada," started Avery before smirking.

"I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. But, enjoy the game tonight."

HA! Can you tell that Sean and ex, Elisha Cuthbert had a bad breakup? While Elisha saddled up next to current Calgary Flames D man, Dion Phaneuf, I gotta say that Avery just did some massive serving.

Gary Bettman didn't think so and promptly suspended him.

I'm sorry but Avery is good for the game. Look the problem with hockey is that you don't know any of these guys personality. Sure Crosby is a great player but what about him? This is one of the things the NHL is horrendous at. I know most of these guys are from Canada and Europe where they are all good ol boys and polite but screw that. Shouldn't they have some personality? Hockey needs more guys to say it like it is and to have some villains for once. You can call it wrestling but atleast that still gets some ratings...

For Avery to get suspended here is bullshit. This is the same league that lets head shots, elbows and knees and all the other gross misconducts go, but a verbal cheap shot? Oh no, that's crossing the line! WHAT WILL THE WEE CHILDREN THINK?! This would have made for good TV to have a battle out there, but as usual, the NHL is the murderer of it's own publicity. Don't you think people would tune in to see what would Dion Phaneuf do to take back the honor of his girl? I'm sure people wouldn't have tuned in to see Phaneuf beat the living shit out of Avery and see his patented turtling?



People can bitch and whine about Avery and him being classless but come on guys -- classlessness = ratings!

Lame. Here I was looking for a game to watch.

Plax v. Starbury : Who ya got?

VS



Lately the two ongoing sagas in New York sports media have been the inevitable buyout of Marbury's $19M bargain-of-a-contract and the Plaxico Burress failed attempted text message that left a not-so-artificial pimp walk. That said, Plax v. Starbury, who ya got?

(And yeah, I'd rather be Starbury too given that he gets paid $19m/yr to space out for his 3 hours of "work" 3-4 days a week, but every other angle on this story is taken.)

The crime
Plax: Almost killed himself feeling around for his cell phone.
Starbury: Almost killed his teams feeling around for an open shot. With the Wolves. With the Suns. With the Nets. And now with the Knicks.
Edge: Plax. Plax almost physically killed himself. Starbury ruined the nights of tens of thousands of fans 60 times per year. I'm pretty sure White Boy, a fan of both, will tell you that he feels worse about Starbury.

If Plax and Starbury are good guys, then the bad guys are...
Plax: That pesky gun shaped cell phone.
Starbury: Jason Kidd (twice) and Steve Nash, both of whom have shown how life can be without Starbury in their franchise's life.
Edge: Plax. One thing the U.S. court system has taught us-two white guys harming a black guy doesn't make the white guys "bad guys."

The fallout from their crimes
Plax: The Giants will go on to win the Super Bowl, Mayor Bloomberg becomes known as a tough-on-crime Mayor for being able to make toothless political speeches at key times.
Starbury: The Nets get good and make two Finals runs. The Suns get good and are a Robert Horry cheap shot away from winning it all two years ago. Hell, even the Minnesota Timberwolves went to the Conference Finals with nothing but KG after Starbury was traded.
Edge: Starbury. Starbury's Nets fallout got me to do the impossible...care about basketball!

Has won...
Plax: A Super Bowl.
Starbury: Um, some Nathan's hot dogs when he was 17?
Edge: Plax. But don't let that pick fool you-Nathan's Hot Dogs are REAL good.

The biggest surprise relating to the crime was:
Plax: Plax actually bothered to register his gun in Florida once upon a time.
Starbury: The Knicks actually made the playoffs his first year in New York, leading Knick fans to believe that they'd actually win a playoff game.
Edge: Plax. Shame on Knicks fans for expecting to win a playoff game. Needy sons of bitches.

And what do their teammates think of them?
Plax: True friends, like AP, will hide the murder weapon.
Starbury: Let's just say that if Starbury had any friends on the team, they would have been recording the intern-bang for all on the internet to enjoy.
Edge: Plax. Though I'm not sure if I want a Starbury celebrity sex tape.

Yeah, but have they banged an intern?
Starbury: You betcha!
Plax: Probably...why not? You think he went clubbing to hear the latest in NYC techno? This guy is as faithful to his wife as Bill Clinton. Not that this makes him different from any other athlete, simply pointing it out.
Edge: Starbury. As Plax is about to learn, actual proof wins out over inferences 9 times out of 10 in a court of law. Unless an inner-city jury is involved.

Winner: Plax. Wow, not even banging an intern, the ultimate sign of "cool" can save Starbury.

Hockey Round Up

So it's been a bit since we talked hockey here, and a few things have happened in the NHL since.



-So the Stanley Cup rematch between the Pens and Red Wings happened a few weeks back. And it was one hell of a game, so shame on you if you missed it as it displayed some of the best things hockey has to offer. Down three going into the third period the Pens kept battling back, and down a goal with a minute left pulled their goalie. When a goalie is pulled it's nerve racking for both teams. If its your goalie pulled, you're nervous as hell because its your last chance to win. If you're the other team you're nervous because you dont want to blow it. Your heart pounds the entire time and its a pretty sweet feeling. Well, with 22 seconds left the Pens tied it up, and then managed to win the game in overtime. Its a perfect display of why you shouldnt just lay down and die.



-So the worst kept secret in the NHL is out and Brian Burke is now thew GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. With Anaheim to start the year, he rejected a contract extension and was let go to pursue other options, ie the opening GM position of the Leafs. This is about as surprising as seeing a team nicknamed the blueshirts come on to the ice wearing blue shirts. Burke speaks his mind, and is known for his war of words with Kevin Lowe a season ago. Burke is being heralded as the savior of the Leafs, but we'll see (my money is on no). You wont see anything immediately, but after december he is going to start putting his print on the team and probably start clearing out the roster and preparing to clear cap space to renovate the team in the summer.

-One thing I like is how the players celebrate a goal. It's nothing fancy; maybe a fist pump or a raise of the arms. But what I like is how genuine it is. There's no dancing or anything extravagant like football. Its just the players being happy like a kid who just got that Christmas gift he wanted.

-The All Star voting is out of hand. Hosted in Montreal because its the Canadiens 100th season, Montreal fans decided it was best to stuff the ballots by voting for everyone from the Canadiens on the ballot multiple times. So what do we end up with? Alex Tanguay having more votes than Crosby and Ovechkin. Combined. It's absurd. I know its an imperfect system, but when the fans are actually given a say you get idiots like this who go and ruin it all. Seriously, get a life people.

-NHL marketing is pretty much crap. But every once in a while they come up with something good, such as this new commercial for their online store:




-I've said it before, but it deserves mentioning again. When will people learn to STOP PISSING OFF SIDNEY CROSBY??!!! A few weeks ago Alex Semin said there was nothing special about Crosby, who hadnt been playing that well this year at that point. Not that well meaning a little over a point per game. So what has happened since? He's been shitting on pretty much everyone, the Devils his latest victim who he scored a hat trick against. Granted everyone knew Semin was just making himself look retarded by making the claim, but he basically sent Crosby on a drive to stat raping everyone he comes across. And what has Semin been doing since that time? Sitting in the press box nursing an injury, which I can only guess is a sore vagina.


-There have been a surprising amount of trades this early in the NHL season. Unfortunately most have been done by the Tampa Bay Lighting. The team is still toiling at the bottom of the standings even after canning coach Barry Melrose. Again, all this proves is that meddling owners never do any good.

AP, I’m with ya, Plax you need some psychotherapy

I figured as the co-resident Giants fan on this site, I should weigh in on the debacle that was Friday night at the Latin Quarters. I won’t even discuss the fact that a third player was there (Michael Kay says Ward and Francessa says its Bradshaw) because I am not certain which of the two it was and as far as I know that third person did nothing except go to said club. Although it is likely if not certain that both Antonio Pierce (hereto for AP) and Plax committed crimes, the actual "assholicness" and irresponsibility of each action is as different as the intelligence levels of Obama and Bush.

Plax, you need some psychotherapy. I loved you last year but that was before I knew that you would disgrace the same franchise you restored glory to just 9 months prior. Your 50 missed meetings, cursing off your coach who every other teammate seems to have no problem with, and your propensity to drop very catchable balls are all frustrating but worth putting up with. However your actions Friday night were quite another. I am not upset because you broke a law; I’m upset because you were not thinking of anyone but yourself by bringing this gun with you. You could have killed one of your teammates, friends or a random innocent clubber. I don’t want someone that irresponsible on my team, I don’t care if you are a good guy or not but I do care if you are so careless as to take many innocent lives into your own hands by drinking with a loaded gun in your pocket. Oh, and as you can see, your team can win big and have its QB play even better when you aren’t playing. I won’t go as far as to say I “hope” you go to jail but I would not be upset nor would I feel it would be an injustice if you did. However, if your boy AP has to serve any time for trying to save your ass, that is an entirely different matter……………

AP, I feel for ya man. I know that you were just trying to save your boy. You didn’t do anything with an intention to harm anyone nor were you reckless. Your moral code of never going against a brother outweighed your moral code of following the laws of the land, for this I have respect for you. I have to admit as seemingly replaceable as Plax is, you are equally irreplaceable. Your pre-snap reads of opposing offenses put your young talented teammates in great position to make big plays (see Kenny Phillips, Michael Johnson and Corey Webster.) You, unlike Plax have been a model teammate and Giant up until now. I do think you made a mistake in the way you went about trying to save your boy but I can’t say I wouldn’t think of saving my friend before I would think of following the law. I hope you don’t serve any jail time, I don’t think you should.

Axl Rose back in court...as plaintiff for a change

Axl Rose and his backup band legally called Guns n Roses is suing Dr. Pepper. Here's the blurb from Rolling Stone:

Guns n’ Roses are threatening Dr Pepper with legal action over what the band calls “a complete fiasco” of a publicity stunt. Dr Pepper promised every person in America a free can of soda if Guns n’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year; on November 23rd, the day Democracy was released, fans were told they could get a coupon for a free can at its Website. According to Axl Rose’s lawyer, Alan S. Gutman, things went terribly wrong: Yesterday he sent a letter to Dr Pepper CEO Larry Young saying that the soda company’s Website crashed and that “the redemption scheme your company clumsily implemented for this offer was an unmitigated disaster which defrauded consumers and, in the eyes of vocal fans, ‘ruined’ the day of Chinese Democracy’s release”.
I only hope the following exchange happens:

Axl: Your honor, this is an injustice to our fans!
Judge: Um, didn't you take 14 years to put out a mediocre album?

SHMUCKS PICKS (9-13-2)

NEW YORK JETS (-8) vs. DENVER BRONCOS

The Jets have only played well at home in those ridiculous blue Titan uniforms. I still favor them to win this matchup with their strong running game against a very weak Denver defense. Both offenses can put a lot of points on the board but the weather conditions are windy, rainy, and sloppy. Denver really hasn't established a running game all season and they will be matching up against one of the best. Turnovers are key in this game. Whoever holds on to the ball will win this game.

Jets 23, Broncos 17

OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3) vs. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

Quite the thrilling game this one looks to be. These two teams met back in week 2 and it was all Oakland and the run game. KC is still one of the worst defending the run so look for a McFadden/Fargas attack all game. Tyler Thigpen has played very well since his first start against the Jets 4 weeks ago. With Larry Johnson back that should help take some pressure off the rookie. Look for KC to get some redemption here as they go into the black hole and steal a win.

Chiefs 31, Raiders 24