Thursday, December 4, 2008

Planned Parenthood Gift Card...This Year's Tickle-Me-Elmo?

Well, it looks like the new holiday gift craze is upon us, and Planned Parenthood is stepping in where Mattel slacked off by selling what everyone is sure to crave...PLANNED PARENTHOOD GIFT CARDS!!! Yup, you may not be able to get the gift that Junior wants, but you can certainly get rid of the potential little brother that Junior never wanted. Addition by subtraction that a 6-year-old is sure to comprehend.

And frankly, I'm glad that the older crowd finally has a gift that they can use. What the hell is a 19 year old boy or his 14 year old girlfriend supposed to with a Tickle-Me-Elmo? Sure, the gift certificate may cost $50 now, but think of how much it's going to save when you don't have to take Jane Q. Aborted to a Miley Cyrus Jr. Concert in 13 years? And yeah, $50 may be a lot now, but college tuition aint getting cheaper, even for the county college your mistake-by-the-lakehouse is sure to end up attending. Worried that you're going to deprive the world of the next great leader/scientist/Nobel blah blah blah? Have no think anything like that is coming from your demon seed? Please. You'll be lucky if your hard earned tax dollars go somewhere other than the welfare money required to feed Jane Q.'s crack habit.

Look, all I know is that I'm glad I finally found a universal one-size-fits-all hannukah gift for Yinzer, White Boy, MissMet, a Kwanzaa gift for SHMUCK and BH, and a sorry-your-country-is-under-attack gift for Mahatma. And frankly, I think it's screwed up that I'm the one who has to pay for all of this. I mean, let's be honest, sure SUS staff will be honored to have their own personal coat hanger they can display in their trophy case for all to see, but isn't society going to be the true beneficiary if a simple $50 gift card can help prevent the Mahatma/Nicole Richie or BH/Arianna Huffington reproduction that we all want to avoid?

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