A little Weekend Youtubage (or is it spelled youtubeage?)

This was a classic from early 2k2. It was created by Bono originally to benefit Africa. Then 9/11 happened and it was done as a way to help 9/11 victims. And we mean no disrespect to those who lost someone at 9/11, but parts of the performances are accidentally hilarious. Most notably the three dude rappers who aren't exactly making it to the top of Mount Rapmore: Ja Rule, Nelly (My child aint done nothing wrong!), and Fred "What's that Osama? Shutthafuckup." Durst. Ah, 2001, when our music tastes were so young and naive.

My first memory associated with this video is sitting on my couch after a party, very drunk, and yelling "what's goin on" and either BH or my freshman year roommate would drunkenly slur "what's goin on." Not exactly how Marvin envisioned it, but I stand by it just the same.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 1

Since we can never truly ignore football, it’s time to shift our attention to the upcoming April NFL draft.

Here’s a mock draft for those who want to see some of the new major players playing on Sundays next year and coming to your team. This is obviously a crapshoot (pre combine + free agency) and likely be way off. To note, the order for Oakland, Atlanta and Kansas City will be determined by a coin flip. The Raiders can pick no lower then 4th. (KC no higher then 4th).

Miami Dolphins:

Needs: DT, WR, DE, QB, ILB, CB, FS, SS, OG

Pick: Chris Long, DE, Virginia

Plays Like: Aaron Kampman

The Dolphins can literally go everywhere as their team needs a complete overhaul on both sides of the ball. For the number 1 pick, only 3 players fit that value (McFadden, C. Long and Dorsey. Dorsey is an option here also but I feel Tuna goes with the more rarer of assets. The pass rushing DE that can play in either 3-4 or 4-3 as the Tuna will likely go to this hybrid style of defense. Like Father, like son, Long can do it all. He played college in a 3-4 and STILL got to the QB frequently despite being double teamed consistently. Long has the non stop motor similar to Kampman, VandenBosch and he has the arm length to gain leverage on unsuspecting Linemen.

2) St. Louis Rams:

Needs: OT, G, DT, DE, MLB, SS, CB, QB, WR

Pick: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU

Plays like: Warren Sapp

In a bit of a shock, The Rams will luck into Glenn Dorsey. Dorsey was unblockable last season in college football until a cheapshot limited his effectiveness. Regardless, he is widely considered the best DT coming up through the ranks since Warren Sapp. Difference is that Dorsey actually is a solid man and a class act. Dorsey can add the Rams rotation with La’Roi Glover and than allow Adam Carriker to move back to the DE role he rocked in college.

3) Atlanta Falcons:

Needs: QB, OT, FS, SS, RB, DT, MLB, K

Pick: Matt Ryan

Plays Like: Matt Hasselback

Ryan is a QB with a ton of upside and IQ with the size and arm strength to be a big time NFL QB. Ryan has the protypical QB size, above average arm strength and is extremely smart with the football. He played in a pro style offense @ BC (sucks) and is a great leader with intangibles out the wazoo. Falcons have nothing at the QB position and will need someone to build their Ron Mexico-less team around.

4) Oakland Raiders:

Needs: DT, OT, WR, SS, DE, SLB, G, C, RB

Pick: Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC

Plays Like: Tommie Harris

Raiders need an interior pass rusher to help out since Warren Sapp retired. Ellis is a 1 gap defender who can shoot his gap and rush the passer. Ellis is the player that made USC’s defense what it is as he made a living playing in the opponent’s back field. Ellis’s stock is on the rise after the Senior Bowl and will likely be a top 5 pick. Raiders may draft McFadden here but if there is something we have seen is that teams should hold off on runningbacks as you can find any of the scrap heap and can plug in. Not to mention, the Raiders will likely have one of Lamont Jordan, Dominic Rhodes to go along with Huggy bear and 2^nd year steal Micheal Bush from Louisville. No reason to panic here and take McFadden but you never know with those wily Gaiders.

5) Kansas City:

Needs: OT, RG, CB, DT, QB, WR, FS, C

Pick: Jake Long, OT, Michigan

Plays Like: Marvel Smith

Long is a solid run blocker at the point of attack but will likely have his share of struggles in Pass pro at the pro game. Regardless, he’s a great prospect who can step in and immediately upgrade the Chiefs blocking. Long is the most polished of the OT in the draft and would likely have been a top 10 pick last year if he came out. He may not destroy people on every play but his size, strength (and hype) will make him the top OT pick in this year’s draft.

6) NY Jets:
Needs: DE, NT, OLB, WR, TE, RT, OG , CB

Pick: Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas

Plays Like: Ladanian Thomlinson

McFadden has the speed and athletic ability to cause damage to defenses at the next level. Not to mention, some offensive coordinators could get creative and use McFadden in formations similar to the wildcat at Arkansas. At this point, the Jets should take McFadden if he were available as he is one of the prospects that can be huge on the field and off the field. Jets will also look at Ellis, Gholston if they are both available but McFadden is the BEST player in this draft and at pick 6 you don’t pass that up and give a reason for Jetro fans to get stoked about this coming season.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 2

7) New England:
Needs: ILB, CB, FS, OLB, OT

Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State

Plays Like: Shaun Phillips

Pass rusher extraordinaire who can give this team a pass rusher with speed and skills. Gholston is the premier tweener in the draft and will likely get some attention from 4-3 teams as well. Regardless, he is the nation’s best pass rusher with developing skills at 3-4 OLB that can cover tight ends and running backs. The drafting of Gholston would allow Adalius Thomas or Mike Vrable to move to inside (where both of have played in their careers) in case one of Seau or Bruschi retires. Patriots typically do not draft corners high but watch just because I said that they will draft one here.

8) Baltimore

Needs: CB, QB, WR, OT, DE

Pick: Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy

Plays Like: Deion Sanders

Troy Smith will likely be the starter next season but doesn’t mean a new staff in Baltimore is entirely intrigued with notion of him being a full time starter. As a result, the Rats will go QB later on the draft. The Rats have an aging defense that could ravaged as injuries mounted. The first pick is one of the latest risers in McKelvin. McKelvin came from the same school as Osi and Demarcus and his game is all about speed. McKelvin is a boom or bust pick but his speed his the great equalizer. McKelvin also has good size, excellent timed speed with a burst to close. He has solid footwork and a very good tackler. Did I also mention some great hands? For the record, also a dynamic return man. The weakness he has is his lack of competition coming from Troy and a very aggressive nature that can pay out of control at times.

9) Cincinnati:

Needs: DE, DT, S, LB, TE, WR, C

Pick: Keith Rivers, LB, USC

Plays Like: Lance Briggs

Rivers is one of the most athletically gifted linebackers in the draft who is extremely versatile and smart. He is listed at 6-2 236 and has the frame to grow more. Rivers can play outside or inside depending on scheme and package providing the Bungles have any idea how to run a team.

10) New Orleans:

Needs: CB, ILB, WLB, DT, RT, TE,

Pick: Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida

Plays Like: Chris McCalister

From a physical standpoint, Jenkins has it all. He has solid size, and matches up well with most receivers. He is also an excellent athlete, that shows the quickness and change of direction ability to keep up with receivers in and out of breaks. Jenkins has developed excellent ball skills, and knows how to locate the ball in the air and make a play on it.

11) Buffalo:

Needs: LB, DT, CB, WR, TE, C, OT

Pick: Dan Connor, LB, Penn State

Plays Like: Tedy Bruschi

Connor is an all around standout linebacker. He is a player that can make the big play, but also the type of player you count on to lead your defense and consistently be around the action. He is athletic, and has the quickness and speed to cover in space. The rare trait he has, is that he has a knack for finding the ball and making a play on it that most linebackers do not possess. He also has the toughness and strength to stick his nose in between the tackles and stuff the run. He is the prototypical linebacker, and has everything you look for in a linebacker prospect. Connor has been slipping in some scout’s eyes but I’m going wait until the combine to suggest otherwise.

12) Denver:
Needs: DT, MLB, OT, G, RB, FS, SS

Pick: Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State

Plays Like: Orlando Pace

Clady is the prototype left tackle. He has a long, lean frame and is an excellent athlete. He easily mirrors defenders in pass protection, and shows excellent lateral agility. He is an excellent pass protector, and should keep his Cutler’s jersey clean on a consistent basis. Clady can use some time gaining strength but he will fit in well with Denver.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 3

13) Carolina:

Needs: OT, WR, S, RB, DE, SLB

Pick: Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt

Plays Like: D’Brickashaw Ferguson

Williams has a lot of talent. He has all the physical tools to play on Sundays, and eventually start. He is a good athlete that has the lateral agility to keep his quarterback clean. He also has the size and strength to match up with bigger ends and not get pushed around. He has experience at both tackle and guard, which gives him more than one position to try and stick at. Williams is raw but is gaining traction amongst various draft experts for that dreaded p word. (No not that p word…potential) Carolina has had an underachieving line for years now. A stronger line will help the running game and than the Delhomme and the pass attack can only benefit.

14) Chicago:

Needs: QB, LT, RB, WR, FS, LG, SS

Pick: Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville

Plays Like: Marc Bulger

Chi town has big time concerns on the offensive side of the football. Obviously, Rexy is too inconsistent to be in your long term plans so I look for the Bears to fix that QB position. Brohm struggled this season for Louisville but that wasn’t because of him. Brohm has it all from a physical standpoint. He has a nice frame, and is sturdy enough to sit in the pocket and take a hit. His arm is excellent, and he can make all the throws. He is also a good athlete with the mobility to elude the rush and buy more time. On the field, Brohm has proven to be an extremely efficient QB, making smart decisions and not turning the ball over very often. The negative for Brohm is that he has some injury concerns over his past 4 season at Louisville.

15) Detroit:

Needs: CB, RT, DE, SLB, S, G,

Pick: Dominique Rogers Cromartie, CB, Tenn. State

Plays Like: Antonio Cromartie

Detroit will likely be losing its two top corners this season who weren’t anything to write home about anyway so might as well go for the guy who is rapidly rising on everyone’s draft board. DRC had a stellar senior bowl where he shut down anyone he was matched up against. He’s got it all. Speed, tackling and excellent footwork. The only issue for him is the lack of competition. Regardless, DRC showed he can hang with the best seniors in the country and may possibly be the top corner selected after the scouting combine.

16) Arizona:
Needs: CB, RB, FS, LB, DL, OG, WR,
Pick: Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon

Plays Like: Steven Jackson

Sadly, Stewart is a true stud and deserves way better in this mock. Stewart is a tough runner who combines athleticism and speed with raw power. He's a tough tackle for anyone and is almost certain to break the tackle in the open field on a defensive back. He has some outstanding balance and the added abilirty to break arm tackles. Big back with size @ 235 pounds with great feet that also runs hard. Has some injury concerns but is a superstar in the making and will gladly be a boost to Edge James.

17) Minnesota:

Needs: G, QB, WR, DE, DT, FS, SS, CB, RS, FB, TE, LB*, RT

Pick: Malcom Kelly, WR, Oklahoma

Plays Like: Roy Williams

Kelly has an impressive collection of talent. He has excellent size, and has shown the ability to go over the middle and take a hit. His size also is on display in one on one situations, as he towers over most corners. Kelly combines that size with excellent athletic ability. He has the ball skills to go up and tangle with the defender in the air and come down with the football. His size and athleticism should make him a major threat in the red zone. He does lack breakaway speed but Kelly is by no means slow.

18) Houston:
Needs: OL, RB, FS, SS, CB

Pick: Kenny Phillips, S, Miami, Fla.

Plays Like: Mike Huff

In its 5 year existence, Houston has yet to experience good safety play. Luckily, for them, the best safety prospect in the draft comes to the Texicans to help give them some sort of help on the backend. Phillips has elite skills with speed and tackling ability. He could actually you know kind of support Dunta Robinson in the secondary. The Texans are slowly but surely immobilizing a great defense.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 4

19) Philadelphia:
Needs: S, DE, TE, CB, OT, RB,

Pick: Calais Campbell, DE, Miami, Fla.

Plays Like: Julius Peppers

Campbell would have been a top 5 pick if he showed up this season. Basically, the thing with him is unreal potential. Campbell was supposed to be a top 5 pick this season but had a disappointing season to put it mildly. Campbell has the size and arm strength to even play a 3-4 end but will likely find a home with a 4-3 team. Campbell may be the latest freak at defensive end. He has a great frame with room to get bigger, but excellent athleticism to go along with it. He is very tall, and could fill out to near 300 pounds once he’s done growing. He is a major threat off the edge as a pass rusher. His size and size potential will allow him to help out in run support. Campbell’s hype right now is based more off of potential than his on field production. He has proven he can get to the QB, but he needs to refine his skills. The Eagles will likely dump Kearse and Darren Howard and find another pass rusher to pair with the improving Trent Cole so look for their choice to be DE.

20) Tampa Bay:
Needs: DT, WR, OT, CB

Pick: Sam Baker, OT, USC

Plays Like: Matt Light

Baker is an excellent all around offensive tackle prospect. He is a solid athlete, with the ability to move well laterally, keeping defenders away from his QB in pass protection. Baker is also sound at the point of attack, and can push defenders around to clear out room in the running game. It is hard to criticize Baker’s game, but if pressed, it is that he does not have any one truly amazing physical trait. He is not a mammoth offensive lineman that can just drive defenders into the ground, and he’s not the athletic freak that can mirror every end he faces.

21) Washington:
Needs: DE, WR, OG, DT, CB, OT, RB, SLB

Pick: Philip Merling, DE, Clemson

Plays Like: Jared Allen

Skins have had a shit pass rush for about uh 5 years now is it? Merling is exactly that. He is big, mean and exceptionally mobile for a 270 lb guy. Merling is one of the ACC’s most dominating players over the past 3 seasons and with a poor showing by DE’s in the senior bowl will likely shoot himself up into the first round. Heck even Mel Kiper had this guy on his draft board @ #9 !!! Are you serious Mel? Merling can do it all and has a nonstop motor that can give the Redskins someone who can finally do something rushing from the 3 point stance but seriously #9?!?!

22) Dallas:
Needs: WR, RB, CB, FS, DE

Pick: Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas

Plays Like: Kevin Faulk on speed.

Ok so either Barber or Julius Jones is gone this offseason. I’m going to bet that Jones will be that asshole. Felix can bring the cowboys a threat to go yard every time he touches the ball. Jones is a one cut runner with mad explosiveness and good patience. He has sprinters Speed and excels in space with elite elusive ability. Like Faulk, it is unsure whether or not Jones can be the #1 back. Regardless he is an elite weapon and a PERFECT compliment to Marion Barber.

23) Pittsburgh:
Needs: OC, OT, DE, ILB, WR, RB, CB, QB

Pick: Jeff Otah, LT, PITT

Plays Like: Marcus McNeil

If only the Steelers could have first round option at center but sadly they will have to find a LT. Marvel Smith is on his last legs (err. Back) but the replacement must be found this season. Smith has one year remaining on a contract and will likely be left to find greener pastures. Otah is a hoss with strength and you know athletic ability which hasn’t been seen in a Steeler left tackle in ages. Otah does have some negatives in that the home boy needs to lay off excessive beer and pizza but isn’t that most offensive linemen. Otah has the skills there to be able to protect the Franchise Ben Roethlisberger for the next 10 years.

24) Tennessee:
Needs: WR, DE, OL, RB, FS, SS, CB

Pick: Limas Sweed, WR, Texas

Plays Like: Plaxico Burress

Why not hook up Vince with his boy from Texas. Limas is a huge target, that couples his size and strength with impressive athleticism that physically overpowers defenders. He is an excellent intermediate threat, but has shown the ability to get down the field vertically as well. He has deceptive speed and once he gets down the field, his size and body control take over, and he becomes a nightmare matchup. He can go up and get the football as well as anyone in the draft. Sweed does lack the speed to run be defenders and the quickness in and out of breaks to shake defenders but would likely be a welcome addition to a mediocre Titans offense.

25) Seattle:
Needs: RB, TE, OG, OT, FB, CB

Pick: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois

Plays Like: Larry Johnson

A bruising runner with a dense frame and perfect pad level, Mendenhall showed the ability to take it to the house in the bowl game. He is a patient running style and possibly the best receiver our of the top backs. A perfect fit for Seattle’s offense. He has great size and speed.. Runs hard with a great body lean to fight for every extra yardage he can muster. If there is an issue with Mendenhall (Mendelbaum, Mendelbaum) is that he has shown a propensity to fumble but that can be corrected.

MOCK FUCKING DRAFT Part 5

26) Jacksonville:

Needs: DE, WR, CB, OT

Pick: Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida

Plays Like: Simeon Rice

Harvey has big time pass rush potential off the edge. He is an excellent athlete, with very good quickness and speed off the edge. He fires off the snap quickly, has the quickness and change of direction ability to get around the tackle, and the speed to close on the quarterback. Harvey has solid size and the frame to add more weight as he gets older. The issue with him is whether he can hold out in the running game at the pro level. At this point the answer is no but the Jagoffs would love to finally have a speed rusher that can get to the QB with ease unlike the rest of their lumbering overpowering DL.

27) San Diego:
Needs: S, CB, WR, MLB, RB

Pick: Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas

Plays Like: Dre Bly

San Diego doesn’t have the best secondary in the world but this team is the league’s most talented with arguably no real weaknesses. Talib is simply a play maker. He may not necessarily have that 4.3 40 time that makes the scouts cream themselves but he simply makes things happen out there. Regardless, he has more than enough speed to give the Chargers another corner in case they lose the great Drayton Florence to free agency.

28) Dallas:
Needs: WR, RB, CB, FS, DE

Pick: DeSean Jackson, WR, CAL

Plays Like: Steve Smith

A word to describe Jackson is that he is a playmaker. Absolutely dazzling array of moves makes him a very tough receiver to cover. Jackson is also one of the more dynamic returners in all of college football with the ability to start and stop on a dime. He is also electric when the gets the ball in his hands and can be very good yac guy for the Cowboys as well as giving this team a legit speed guy for Tony Romo. Negatives against him are that he is small and he does sometimes back down from physical corners and isn’t blessed with exceptional height.

29) San Francisco:
Needs: DE, G, OLB, WR, ILB, C, NT, RT, OLB

Pick: Kentwan Balmer, DT, UNC

Plays Like: Richard Seymour

Balmer has a very nice blend of talent. He has the size, athleticism, quickness, and strength to be an excellent NFL defensive tackle. Except that the Niners are still trying to run a 3-4 but really do not have the ends necessary to hold on the double teams. They also don’t have a nose tackle. Oops. Balmer has the strength to control running lanes, but the quickness to shoot the gap and disrupt the action. Balmer has also shot up draft boards and make sneek into the top 15 with a good combine. The problem is if Balmer can continue his stellar play from last season or will he revert back into the piece of shit play from the previous 2 seasons

30) Green Bay:

Needs: CB, TE, OL, SLB, RB, QB*

Pick: Antoine Cason, CB, Arizona

Plays Like: Champ Bailey

Cason has the ability to be a true shutdown corner. Not only does he have the athleticism, quickness, and ball skills, but he has the attitude of a top tier corner. Cason will not back down from anyone, and loves be tested. He shows the ability to turn and run with receivers, and has the ability to locate the ball while it is in the air. Cason does not shy away from run stopping either. He is very active and quickly reads a run and aggressively pursues the ball carrier. He will go for the ball and the big play too much. Also, while he is not small, his size is nothing special, for an NFL corner. Cason was the top corner on the board prior to the college football season but struggled.

31) New England:

Needs: LB, CB, FS, TE

Pick: Spygate

Plays Like: A Sony Camcorder

Sorry this was too easy. Apologizes to my Chowda headed brethren.

Patriots Parody You Cheated - Watch more free videos

32) New York Giants:
Needs: FS, CB, WLB, RT, WR

Pick: Reggie Smith, CB/FS, Oklahoma

Plays Like: Ed Reed

Smith is the latest in a long line of “Tweener” CB/S players that add value with the ability to do both. What can Smith provide is finally some added support to Gibril Wilson (if of course the Gints sign him) and move James Butler and his dime safety ass back to the bench. Smith has great cover skills and speed to keep up with any receiver. He shows the necessary range in coverage as a safety with the ability to lay some wood if he has to. Smith, like Reed, triples as a punt returner as well.

No Shit Sherlock Article of the Day

In case you missed the endless amounts of Hugh Grant movies, Zales tv ads and sappy lovey dovey horseshit on tv these days, well sir than you are hopeless. Apparently, it's Valentine's day today so naturally everything in our world centered on National Halmark Day including my trusted yahoo.com. Figuring to take some time out of my 15 minute lunch break, I'd figure I'd catch up some news. What is one of the first stories I see?

Why this lovely gem:

In Romance, Looks Matters Most to the Beautiful

Here are some choice snippets:

"Beautiful people marry beautiful people and less beautiful people marry less beautiful people," said Dan Ariely, a professor of behavioral economics at MIT's Program in Media Arts and Sciences and Sloan School of Management.

WOW. You mean Scarlett Johansson isn't walking through my apartment door anytime soon? I mean come on? Any idiot whose been in a mall can tell you this shit. So I guess that means I should stop praying to Lord Ganesha for Scarlett. Dammit and I thought we had a chance I after I sent her the naked photo of myself. Fuck. Thankfully the brain trust at MIT is there to enlighten us all.

But that doesn't mean less-attractive people are destined to lives of unrequited love and feelings of just settling for the mediocre. The study results, which will be published in an upcoming issue of the journal Psychological Science, suggest people who lack looks place more stock in non-physical features, such as sense of humor, than in physical beauty.

Thanks to MIT for this lovely contribution. Heck they could just point to the decade long strings of marriages by MIT graduates. Thankfully, it's good to know that some ugly people place more stock in non-physical features like bank accounts or something...

"Males are less affected by how attractive they themselves are than females," Lee said in a telephone interview. Guys were more likely than ladies to request dates out of their league.

Haven't these guys been to a bar before? I mean jesus christ, I don't know how many times i've seen this. Requesting dates out of their league is every guy's god given right. Not to mention, men are more likely to be mind numbingly hammered to the point where even they think Joe Q. Ugly looks like George Clooney.

In other words good looks was the primary stimulus of attraction for both men and women, and a person with good earning prospects or ambition tended to be liked as well," said study researcher Eli Finkel, an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University in Illinois.

Thankfully I can now rest much easier knowing my ginormous Straight Up Sports influenced bank account will be liked by some poor female in the near future. But hey at least I know we will be on the same attractiveness scale...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentines Day Bitches!

I'm not going to lie: this is taken directly from another website and would probably violate a bunch of copyright laws if only enough people cared that we were publishing this on our website. Anyways, this is a fantastic ode to Valentines Day and you, dear SUS reader, are entitled to it. And uh, sorry for the excessive use of the C-word. Again, not my product ladies.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, WHORES

I got a little rant here regarding this fucking bullshit estrogen driven sham of a fucking holiday coming up…Valentine's Day. Ready to get offended? Pop a fucking Midol and follow me now bitches, here is your fucking Valentines gift…. FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY. You know, I have always been one of these guys for women’s rights. One of those guys who stick up for broads and say they are equal. Say they deserve the same money and job opportunities as men and defend their right to choose. However, as another shit ass fucking Valentine's Day approaches, I am starting to reevaluate my position. Why? I think Valentine's Day proves women are the weaker sex. You fucking whiny scags are ALWAYS finding a new way to bitch about being treated right. Valentine's Day, Secretaries Day, Mothers Day, Bitches Day, Cunts Day. It goes on and on and on. You have the fucking audacity to make men feel guilty for not ‘proving’ we love you. You sit there at your job and expect a delivery man to come and bring you something. Are you fucking kidding me? For what? So you can toss your flowers, cards, and candy in your fat hog cunt coworkers' faces? “Ohhh look how much my baby loves meeeee.” No, your man is a fucking sap.

You know, I just had an epiphany. There are people right at this moment sitting in jail. Why? A little thing called extortion. I thought extortion was illegal in this country? Well, then Hallmark, FTD, and all you whiny, trampy, bitchy scags should all get the fucking chair. It is a no win situation for us guys on this rag tag bitch day.

Exhibit A

“Oh, don’t worry about getting me a gift.”
“I don’t need anything.”
“Everything means nothing, if I ain’t got you.”
“All I need is a card.”

BULLSHIT. Please. Let us not give you the royal treatment. You yamps get bitchier than a raghead terrorist and the twat seals its walls up for a week. I mean, you turn into some kind of LOTR type troll for shit’s sakes, and we have to pull a Bill Clinton and sleep on the couch. “OMG you don’t appreciate me.” “Well, Sarah’s’ BF got her a ring” “FINE! FINE!” Gimme a fucking break. Who the shit are you trying to fool?

Exhibit B

“I don’t want anything; just take me out to dinner.”
Yea, real cute. Yet dinner, no matter where we look around town, is 140 bucks a person, not to mention, it’s some nasty shit we would never wanna eat. Duck Ass a la Orange with a side of snail twat, circled with crusted monkey balls. I got an idea. You love me no matter what? How bout I take you to that great Scottish Restaurant….Mac Donalds. I’ll get you a crusted chicken breast a la mayo with a side of French fried po-tat-toes. Oh la la bitch, now blow me, and maybe I’ll supersize it.

It never ends. Chocolates, flowers, teddy bears, balloons, all in the attempt to satisify some whiny broad. Well look here toots, if I can tolerate your incessant bitching for more than 3 hours a fucking day, that is proof enough. Where is MY dinner for dealing with your goddamn rag every month? Where is MY dinner for dealing with your stupid fucking questions like “Does this make me look fat?” Where’s MY fucking dinner for dealing with your fucking constant cries for attention and needs to talk? I am a guy. Just STFU, leave me alone, and blow me every now and then, and I will be happy. Must I spend 3843894393939339333 dollars to prove I love you? If I haven’t fucking killed myself or you already then the answer would be yes.

And here’s one more point. I do not want to read about your homantic husband, boyfriend, boy toy, or lame ass femboy fuck mate and what he did for you. He’s a fucking pussy and he has lowered the bar for all of us by catering to your worthless needs. Take your digicam/webcam pics of your red roses, flowers, candies, and jewelry, and shove them your smelly fucking cunt. No one cares.

“Ohhh my man is sooo sweet, look at this.”
Once again, the weaker sexes cry for attention.
I say next year, every man in this fucking country boycotts Valentine's Day and does a mass jerk off. We have to dedicate ourselves to not giving in to these fucking chicks. NO food, NO cards, NO bears, NO flowers, NO chocolates. Just a a big fuck you to the pussified fucktard greedy whores of the world. I got a Valentine's gift for you, it’s in my pants, and how it works is I slap you in the face with it...

But, I still love you snookems.

NBA Tradewinds Have me Loving this Game Again, at Least Until Yanks Season Starts

So apparently we can't just praise the Giants every single second till next September on our site. I suppose we must move on and talk about other sports stuff. Outside of the disgraceful conduct of the Republicans today in defense of the indefensible Roger Clemens; the other major sports story of the moment is the insane trade winds blowing through the Association. These trades have greatly bolstered a league that was teetering on the brink of NHLdom (Okay, not that bad) after a disastrous summer filled with the now infamous referee scandal. I will in the space below analyze the three big trades of the last month and discuss how they affect the teams involved

1) Shaquille O’Neal to the Suns in exchange for Shawn Marion who goes to the Heat- This is a great trade for the Heat.

The Heat get a rising superstar in the prime of his career who plays great defense and is the finest finisher in the league. Although they have dug an impossible hole to climb out of for themselves in this 2007-2008 season; they will be an Eastern Conference contender for years to come. This is a very risky and quite frankly bizarre trade for the Suns. I know what they are thinking; we need an answer for Tim Duncan. Amare is a great player but he can't cover the Big Fundamental in the post. The suns believe Shaq is their ticket to finally getting past the big bad Spurs. The problem is, Shaq isn't "The Diesel" anymore. He isn't even a trolley car. Shaq is just a big body who might get some rebounds and 12-15 points a game at this point in his career. This won't help the Suns defend the great Duncan in the post. Oh yea, they also just traded a budding superstar entering the prime of his career. Whoops.

2) Pau Gasol to the Lakers for Kwame Brown and some other trash who go to the Grizzlies- Lakers are now the West's best.

This will go down as one of the greatest trade in the history of the Los Angeles Lakers. They gave up absolutely nothing of consequence for a star big man who can score in the post and run the floor with the great Kobe Bryant. The Lakers are deeper than even their title teams of the early 2000's. Their starting five when healthy is Kobe, Gasol, Bynum, Odom and Fisher. Wow! To borrow a line from the once again screwed over Jim Fassel "Anyone who wants in get in, anyone wants out get out, this team is going to the (Finals)." This team is the best team in the West by far on paper and the way they are playing right now, with rising star big man Andrew Bynum still injured, they should scare any team in either conference. As for the Grizzlies, just go back to Vancouver as nobody will give a crap anyway.

3) Jason Kidd to Mavericks for Devon George and Jerry Stackhouse (maybe more) ** this trade is agreed to in principle but not yet worked out officially= This trade doesn't make sense for either team

If this trade does go down, I don't like it for either team. Kidd is old. His knees are about to go. He's an excellent ball player and he would be a welcome addition this year to almost any NBA team not named the Phoenix Suns. However, if you are giving up two of your most vital role players in the process, then I don't see the point of the deal for the Mavs. Jerry Stackhouse has been invaluable to Dallas's success the last few seasons providing them with clutch jump shooting and great veteran leadership. Devin George has also been a great asset to Dirk and company while serving as a productive bench player for the Mavs like he did for the Lakers during their title run. Dirk doesn't need any help from J Kidd or any other point guard to get his shots. The guy is 7 feet tall and has the prettiest jump shot I've ever seen. I could get 10 assists playing with him on my team. Kidd's talents are wasted on a team like Dallas as such. As for dirty Jerz, it doesn't really make too much sense for them either. If they were getting some draft picks or some very young talent back, that would be fine. However, they are simply getting back quality role players. They would fit well on a championship contending team (like say, DALLAS!) but are of no use to a mediocre Eastern conference team like the Nets. Oh well it could be worse, you could be the Knicks (More on them when I feel like making myself vomit)

Black History Month: Straight Up Sports Style: An Introduction to The Wire

We here at Straight Up Sports want to do our part to celebrate Black History Month the only way that we know how: by talking about the best and blackest show on tv: The Wire.

Part I

The Cops:

Jimmy McNulty (pictured above)
One of the best characters in TV history, up there with Captain Winters of Band of Brothers fame. (Both of these guys are British yet play very American characters, a cop and a captain in the US Army. Something needs to be done about this.) A fantastic detective who only loves drinking and women more than his job. Involved in one of the best drunk driving scenes of all time. He stopped drinking during Season 4 and promptly bored viewers and co-workers alike. Has become certifiably insane this season when due to a lack of city funding, he created a serial killer in an effort to get more funding.

Bunk
McNulty’s old partner in drinking and solving homicides, though more of the former. When McNulty stopped drinking, no one was more bored by new McNulty than Bunk. And yeah, a true friend calls you an asshole when you stop drinking to get your life together.

Lester Freamon
Probably better than anyone in Baltimore at solving a crime. Can solve homicide or white collar crime. Is assisting McNulty in creating a fake serial killer. Props to this slightly older man for his live-in girlfriend: a stripper who was originally a witness in Season One.

Kima Greggs
She’d be considered hot if she were simply a female working homicide, even if she looks like a female Hines Ward. Throw in the fact that she’s a lesbian working homicide, and now she’s REAL hot. Props to the shows producers for showing her getting it on with her lady friend. Has spent too much time with McNulty and now she too likes to get hammered and chase women. I hope I work with a woman like this someday.

Ellis Carver
A fast riser, started working the wire with McNulty and co. first season and has now worked his way up to sergeant. One of the few people on this show who actually aspires to be an ethical cop; liked and respected by the community. In Season 4, he fails to protect a snitch from retribution, leading to a scene where the kid mockingly thanks Carver for helping him escape retribution. On a show with at least 25 amazing scenes over 5 seasons, this was my favorite.

Herc
A lousy cop A) because he is somewhat unethical, and B) because he’s just not very good. But he knows how to be in the right place at the right time. When working security for the old Marion Barry-esque mayor, he walked in on him getting Lewinsky-ed. Eventually he left the job and now works for an amazingly unethical lawyer. Props to Herc for making up for the fact that his appearance on Entourage marked the point in which that show jumped the shark.

Colicchio
Basically an asshole. Looks like Jason Varitek. Therefore, Jason Varitek is an asshole. Once again, I REALLY like this show.

Landsman
Started the show as a major kiss-ass in Homicide and is now the Sgt. in charge of homicide. If police work involved looking at nudie mags in his office, he truly would be Baltimore’s finest.

Burrell
Basically a bureaucratic asshole, in the game only to improve his personal rank, which he does until the Mayor shoves him out. I’m pretty sure that they tried to get Charles S. Dutton for the role but he backed out. If he’s going to look like Chuck “You’re 5 foot nuthin’, a hundred and nuthin’” Dutton, they need to make his character much more likeable.

Rawls
Was deputy commissioner and is now temporary commissioner. Hates McNulty with a passion. He’s a lot more fun to watch when he’s in charge of homicide in the first season. Frankly without McNulty, he’s like the NFL without the Patriots or Cowboys: no enemies to make things interesting.

Bunny Colvin
We here at Straight Up Sports realize that, as a family blog, it is not our place to condone drug use. That said, 2 out of 2 SUS Wire-watching-bloggers agree that Sgt. Colvin’s “Hamsterdam” idea to legalize drugs within a small area to make the rest of his district drug-free and amazingly safe is, uh, not the worst idea in the world. Naturally, he was practically crucified for this.

Stay tuned for next week: The OG's.

TV Watchers of the World, Rejoice! (But Not Till April)

You can officially get excited for a few reasons tonight. The WGA Strike is o-v-e-r. Pitchers and catchers are due to report tomorrow (but according to www.metsblog.com a bunch of people are already there). The Oscars are on and our area finally had a (wet, slushy, messy) winter storm! Maybe only a few of these things excite you, maybe none of them do. Either way, you should read on to find out why I'm happy.

Like, I said, the strike is over and the Oscars are on. One of the many entertainment websites that I was on today told me that the writers have started writing for the Academy Awards show, which airs on Feb. 24th, but they are a month behind. Will the crunch, coupled with the fact that the writers have had all this free time make the show amazingly written or will it have the opposite effect? I guess we'll have to see how Jon Stewart does when he hosts the show for the second time.

As far as your favorite shows? Well you can go to ew.com and they'll tell you when they are coming back. Most of mine won't be back until April, or in some cases, not till the fall. Hopefully after the waiting, all of us fans won't be disappointed. Can you even remember what happened on the last episode of The Office?

In a great article in the Sunday New York Times, there was a story on David Wright and his current role with the Mets on and off the field. He is quickly becoming a leader and the face of the franchise. I'm all for that. I loved that he was at the Johan Santana press conference. He's been in St. Lucie for a few days now, and did some working out with the pitchers and catchers. Even as I just typed that, I started to feel giddy about baseball, but it also could have been the sugar kicking in from the Valentine's Day candy I bought myself earlier today. Either one. There's also a tour of CitiField on mets.com from Jeff Wilpon. It looks, well, snowy, but also just pretty awesome.

Speaking of baseball, I caught some of the awkward testimony from Congress today with Roger Clemens. Let me just say how happy I am that none of the current Mets got themselves involved in any of this crap.

Get excited about baseball, because its pretty much here!

MissMet's Grammy Best Dressed: Carrie Underwood wore a pretty flowery halter dress, but we won't mention what she wore when she performed...

MissMet's Grammy Worst Dressed: Nelly Furtado. Bad hair, bad make-up, bad dress. Good voice though!

MissMet's Who Cares of the Week: Gary Coleman has been secretly married for months! Like I said...

MissMet

Cut-throat Hockey

That Richard Zednik incident was scary. To get a closer up look at what really is happening, watch this video. For those who are squeemish, turn away. This man pretty much repaints the goalie circle with his own blood. As Devo calls it, "Old Time Hawkey". Amen to that, Enjoy

You know how you know that I'm gay? I'm about to talk shit about the SI Swimsuit Issue

Is it just me or is the SI Swimsuit issue not a big deal anymore. The pictures I've seen so far, are pretty solid, including Carmela Garcia. (2 things: 1. Her name is Carmela Decesare-Baer. This is not up for debate. 2. I think she's wearing the same bathing suit that my grandmother wore back in the 1940's. Needless to say, she's worn much hotter outfits in years past. (NSFW) And now I shudder to think of all the comments this would leave me open to, if only we had readers.)

But as a 25 year old male, I gotta say that the most recent swimsuit issues haven't done it for me. (Maria Sharapova being the only notable exception.) And after giving an honest look at the ladies gracing the issue this year, I don't think the problem is with them, I think it's with me.

It's not that I don't love women. I have a full hard drive that, uh, proves my love of the ladies of the world as well as proves my devotion to same-sex (See: female) uh, relationships. It's just that when I was a young lad in elementary and middle school, the SI swimsuit issue was EVERYTHING. The two pictures up top represent, along with snow days, my 3 most cherished memories of being a child. Since then, between the internet and more importantly, becoming 18, the SI swimsuit issue doesn't do it for me anymore. Sure, it's some solid reading, but if I want to read a magazine in Penn Station while receiving weird looks, I'm heading straight to Club or Hustler thank you very much.

So you can have your Carmella Garcia. I'm sure some 8 year old is holding onto this issue for dear life like I did roughly 17 years ago. (Held onto it at least until the Victoria Secrets arrived in the mail two weeks later.) But as for me, I'm going to stick with my Kathy Ireland and Elle McPherson thank you very much.

The People You See Phonebanking for Barack Obama (Or at least, those that I saw)

In spite of BH's best efforts, we here at SUS try to remain apolitical. That said, I made some calls for Barack Obama today, and quite frankly, the people that I saw were too funny to not share with both of you that constitute Straight Up Sports Nation. Without further ado, the people you will phonebank for Barack Hussein Obama with:

1. "Old Lady Who Is Amazed By Technology" No, she wasn't amazed by the call lists; she was amazed that everyone had answering machines. For what it's worth, the quantity of answering machines in our culture amazed me too. Back in 1993.

2. "Old Black Lady Who Must've Been A Badass Back In The 1960's"-She had on a "BARACK the Vote" t-shirt, like one of those '92 rock the vote t's. Sure, she can barely see, but $20 says that she's got some great stories from the Civil Rights marches. And I bet she was a hot Black Panther too.

3. "Old White Guy Who Is Either Very Friendly, Very Creepy, or Simply Annoying."- This guy comes in and starts talking about how much he loves Barack. He's seen bad Democrats, Dukakis, Adlai Stevenson, but he really believes in Barack. The more you listen to him call others, the more it seems like he just really wants someone to talk politics with. Every time he talks to you, you pretend that someone answered on your phone, just to avoid talking to him. Best part of the day is when this dude tries to flirt with person #2 and fails miserably.

4. "Middle-age White Guy Who Has No Idea How To Work A Phone." He spent 20 minutes studying his call sheet and another 20 minutes examining his script. This guy is why McDonalds tries to not hire ex-White collar workers: they'd simply be lost doing all of the things that their secretaries do. I actually felt bad for this dude, as the campaign passive aggressively tried to move him out of the office, Milton-style. No word yet on if he stole the red stapler.

5. "Quasi-Hot Chick Who Gets Hotter Because of her Rank." Women with power are hot. Not only that, but power elevates an ugly chick into a "Maybe after 8 beers" chick, and turns this 5 into a 7.5 or 8. Plus, she'd probably hold her own in a political conversation, seeing as how she runs a county office for Obama.

6. "Hot Canvasser Who Was Placed In Another Room." How is it that out of the 8 actual phone conversations that you had, 2 of them took place when she came into the room for a question? (which you had the answer to) How does one become Mrs. Devo when they're not even allowed to be placed in the same room as you for more than a few seconds?

7. "Guy Who Eats All Of The Food Thrown His Way By The Campaign." Yeah, this is me. What can I say, it's good to work for the campaign with the money. I bet Hilary's workers were eating 1.5 meals a day. Just kidding. We all know that Hilary's workers get by on the same food as Hilary: stillborn fetuses.

Poor guy

BUFFALO, N.Y. (AP) -- Florida Panthers goalie Thomas Vokoun saw fear in Richard Zednik's ashen face when his teammate reached the bench with blood gushing from his throat.

"He was very scared," Vokoun said, describing the frightening scene after the right side of Zednik's throat was accidentally sliced by teammate Olli Jokinen's skate during a game at Buffalo on Sunday night. "He was conscious, I guess. His eyes were closed, but he was moving and moaning."

As the Panthers traveled home to south Florida following a 5-3 loss, the team announced Zednik was stable and resting comfortably at Buffalo General Hospital after having surgery to close the gash that led the forward to leave a long trail of blood on the ice.

A 12-year NHL veteran, Zednik was hurt with 9:56 left in the third period in the right corner of the Sabres zone.

Zednik was circling the net behind the play and skating into the corner just when Jokinen was upended by Sabres forward Clarke MacArthur. Jokinen fell headfirst to the ice, and his right leg flew up and struck Zednik directly on the side of the neck.

Clutching his neck, Zednik somehow had the capacity to race the three-quarters length of the ice to the Panthers bench, where he nearly fell into the arms of trainer Dave Zenobi, who immediately placed a towel on the player's throat. With the help of defenseman Jassen Cullimore, Zednik was escorted up the tunnel behind the Panthers bench and loaded into an ambulance.

Jokinen was sickened when he watched the replay and learned it was his skate that caused the cut, leaving the Panthers' captain in no mood to continue playing.

"It was terrifying," Jokinen said. "If it was my call, I would have gone to the hospital with him."

Play resumed after a 15-minute delay, during which time crews scraped the blood off the ice and the surface was cleaned by Zambonis. NHL officials briefly considered stopping the game, but determined to continue playing after knowing that Zednik was stable and the two teams were willing to go on.

Panthers spokesman Justin Copertino said the team was making arrangements to have Zednik's wife, Jessica, fly from South Florida to Buffalo by a charter flight Sunday night. Zenobi and assistant general manager Randy Sexton also stayed behind to be with Zednik, Copertino said.

Hospital spokesman Mike Hughes said he expected the Panthers to provide an update on the player's condition on Monday.

A hush fell over the crowd at HSBC Arena after Zednik was hurt. It wasn't until the public address announcer said Zednik was in stable condition that fans gave a lengthy standing ovation.

Players on both benches, though, were still shaken.

"It was pretty solemn," Sabres coach Lindy Ruff, said describing the mood on his bench. "There wasn't a lot being said (on the bench). There was just more concern for Richard than anything else.

"I can fully understand if they wanted to cancel the whole game," Ruff added. "When you see something like that, it isn't about playing anymore. But I said, 'We're going to finish the game and it's going to be what it's going to be."'

The NHL released a statement, saying: "The thoughts and prayers of the NHL family are with Richard Zednik, his loved ones, his teammates and the Florida Panthers organization."

Sabres general manager Darcy Regier credited both Zednik for having the awareness to head to the bench and also the NHL for mandating physicians be on hand and near the bench during games. Regier said doctors were already waiting in the tunnel behind the Panthers' bench when Zednik was escorted off.

Zednik's injury was eerily reminiscent of an injury sustained by Sabres goaltender Clint Malarchuk about 19 years ago at Buffalo's Memorial Auditorium. On March 22, 1989, Malarchuk severed his jugular vein when St. Louis Blues forward Steve Tuttle was upended while skating toward the crease, slicing Malarchuk with a skate.

Malarchuk required over 300 stitches but spent only one night in the hospital, returning to practice after four days. On April 2, he played the final five minutes in the season finale, less than two weeks after his injury.

It was the second serious injury caused by a skate this weekend.

On Saturday, NHL linesman Pat Dapuzzo needed dozens of stitches to close a cut on his face after he was hit by the skate of Philadelphia Flyers forward Steve Downie in a game against the New York Rangers.

Dapuzzo, scheduled to retire at the end of the season, didn't return after the second-period injury.

Zednik has 15 goals and 11 assists this season, and had a four-game point streak (three goals, six assists) end on Sunday.

"I can't imagine what he was going through," Panthers defenseman Bryan Allen said. "What saved the situation was he had the mental ability to get to the bench and get to the dressing room, not stay on the ice. Those few seconds could have been the difference."

Now I know that not everyone really cares about hockey and all but wow this was just brutal to see. The looks on the faces of the crowd say it all. We at SUS wish a speedy recovery to Richard Zednik.

A Very Devo Weekend Part II (Movie time!)

Saw There Will Be Blood, and No Country For Old Men. These were the last two Oscar-nominated movies that I needed to see in order to prepare for the 47th Annual Straight Up Sports Oscar Previews. Some thoughts about each:

DO NOT KEEP READING IF YOU PLAN ON SEEING THESE MOVIES IN THE NEAR FUTURE. BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU'RE ALSO PROBABLY ONE OF 5 PEOPLE TO CHECK OUT THIS BLOG, SO PLEASE, KEEP READING REGARDLESS.

-No Country started out amazing. It was 2 hours long. It could've been 1:45 and it would've been my favorite movie this year. It should've ended when Josh Brolin died, but went on for about 15 more minutes. The extra time probably added to the character development and what not, but seemed like a waste of time. A good movie that could've been great. Probably the best Coen Bros' movie not named Big Lebowski.

-This is Josh Brolin's second outstanding acting performance this year. Very solid as a corrupt New York City cop (They aint too smaaart) in American Gangster.

-Javier Bardem was outstanding. If he doesn't get best supporting actor, it should go to his weapon, whatever it was.

-Snuck into There Will Be Blood. Apparently it was sold out, apologies to you, E Street theater viewer whose seat I stole.

-Overall, one of the better movies of the year, and the better of the two seen on this day. Whereas Country started out strong and ended fairly poorly, Blood began very strong, lagged in the middle and had an amazingly dark, bloody, but very solid ending, which reminded me somewhat of Citizen Kane.

-Daniel Day-Lewis turned in another fantastic performance, even if it was a little too similar to his role in Gangs of New York. The weird part about that? For some reason, his 'stache made him look like 1980's Freddie Mercury.

-Also, a surprisingly good performance turned in by Paul Dano, he of Little Miss Sunshine fame. (The kid who didn't talk.)

-There are a few morals to Blood. But the one thing that I took out of this movie is the affirmation of this belief: As far as Republicans go, I trust the big business republicans way more than the religious right. (I'm aware that classifying 50% of the populace isn't that simple, but I'm going with it. Go get your own blog and classify how you want.)

I've had some experience with evangelicals, as most who read this blog are aware. And while many of them are good people, I never trusted most of the evangelicals that I met. I don't like big business republicans either, but at least they don't bother with a false pretense. Many on the religious right are good people; but many on that side are worse people than us liberal heathen and are living a lie. And it's the living lie that gets to me. Wall Street has no bones about being an asshole. Evangelicals preach with one hand, and develop Mark Foley-esque habits with the other. Put it this way: Daniel Day-Lewis' character was a hyyyuge asshole, but I was still rooting for him to beat the faith healer's ass all movie.

Any thoughts about these movies? Comment, mofo.

A Very Devo Weekend Part I (Ok Crapitals, I'm in.)

Went to the Capitals/Hurricanes game on Friday. A few thoughts:

-I was pleasantly surprised by the energy in the Verizon Center; it felt like a playoff game. Maybe it's the fact that I don't take anyone from the Southeast division seriously, or the fact that I've never seen the Caps involved in a battle for first place, but it was a fun game. And to the thousands of Capital fans reading Straight Up Sports, let it be known that Devo is with you! (Count the errors in that sentence.)

-I still hate the 'Canes. A lot. It goes back to the '05-'06 Stanley Cup Playoffs when they beat the Devils in the 2nd round. The Hurricanes proved themselves to be the best team that season. And not only were the Devils the 2nd best team in the NHL that year, but they could've defeated the 'Canes if they held on to the lead in Game 2.

-Nick Wallin scored the game winning goal in OT of Game 2. He went 1 on 1 with Paul Martin. Wallin was about to shoot it into Marty's pads when Martin poke checked the puck away from Wallin, puck trickling into the net. Point being, I still LOATHE Wallin. Always will.

-Somehow I ended up getting into a fight with some Massholes at the Caps/Canes game. (Read that last sentence again. Jesus Christ, massholes are everywhere.) In the past I would've talked shit about the Irish, since I had nothing else going my way. In this post-18-0 era? All I have to say is 18-1. Nope, the Super Bowl win hasn't yet gotten old.

There There Jimbo

Poor Jim Fassel. Again he gets shafted from another possible head coaching position. Maybe it's time you start guaranteeing a job buddy. Just stay away from the Jets. That is all