It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Here's to the Jets drafting that prize winning fullback in the 1st...

It's Simple Math...

+

=

Draft the local guy, Kenny Reese!

FUCK

Well I guess we can cross off the Steelers and Cardinals for winning anything this year. Why can't TAWM BRADY be on the damn cover?

Morning Constitutional

I guess I dont have to worry about copyright infringement if the paper doesn't exist anymore, right?

-Scientific research at its most useful(Mahatma take note): Sloshspot

-This is half "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" and half Wes Anderson movie. Needless to say, its a primer if you are going to North Brooklyn anytime soon. Look At This Fucking Hipster

-SUS is now officially the second-coolest Twatter. KFUCKINGP

-For a bunch of stoners, this was really well coordinated. Guy filming needs to calm down tho. Smoking Parachute Dash

-Talent comes in many forms. Totallycrap

This ones for the ladies.

Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

Dude, I miss going to hippie festivals. They are pretty much the only place left where the rules of modern life don't apply. Though it's apparently still illegal to have a comically small penis in California. Dont taze me bro!

BWAHAHAHA

Did this set back the Civil Rights movement by 20-30 years? Probably. But let's be honest, it was overrated anyways.

Props to Barstool Sports for finding this.

A few thoughts about the series that is captivating a nation: Devils/Canes

-Call BS if you want, but while I was watching the third period, I didn't care if the Devils won the game or not. What mattered was this: a) The Canes needed the game more than the Devils, and b) the Devils, with the Canes playing their best hockey imaginable, outshooting the Devils 37-17 through two periods, kept the game tied for most of the final 10 minutes of regulation. This is different from the '05 series when the Canes were clearly the better team and should be the reason the Devils win this bitch.

-After the winnning goal, especially after the review proved it to be a good goal, I had a moment where I got to be Vince Vaughn. And if that's not entirely true, I did get to yell "earmuffs" so that my 9 year old cousin wouldn't hear me curse.

-One of two things will now happen.

a) the Devils will be pissed off in a 'on a mission to fuck those who tried to fuck us' sort of thing, and they'll win in 6.

or

b) the Devils, composure lost, will lose in 6.

I'm calling that Brodeur, on a mission a la Patrick Roy in Devs/Avs of '01, gets angry and gets on his game and Devils take this bitch in 6. Bring on Ovechkin or Crosby!

Happy 50th Birthday Tito

Leader of Men

WTF

Bill Cowhard is a Hurricane fan.

Bill Cowher at a home playoff game... Not a win.

Fuck the Draft

This shit has gotten out of hand. Once upon a time, the draft was an opportunity to restock after in-season steroid abuse and off-season alcohol abuse depleted your roster. The draft was something like 20 rounds long and BAC was taken as an important measurement for scouting.

Look what they did to poor golden boy! Ill bet he had a big smile on his face after the anal probe portion of the combine.

Now, however, the draft resembles a stock show or a slave auction, except everyone picked in the first 3 rounds becomes a millionaire, admittedly a considerably better deal for the participants. All potential draftees are poked, prodded, quizzed, examined, analyzed, objectified, and anally probed(probably). Hundreds of thousands of dollars are spent on scouts to watch tape, watch games live, interview players friends and families, examine the tire pressure in their cars and do paternity tests on all potential bastard children. And what do you get for all that? Theres still a 50% shot your 1st-3rd round pick will suck donkey balls and it only gets worse the lower the picks go.

But its understandable for the teams to go crazy, theres gonna be probably 2-3 guys getting $30mil in guaranteed money next week and a whole lot of other guys who are gonna be making more than Devo can get you in court for a slip-and-fall in front of the deli counter at Pathmark. Theres a lot invested in these guys. What doesn't make sense is why we fans go crazy for the draft. Listening to the hype about these guys, you would think every first rounder will be the biggest star on their team come September. But really, these guys will be carrying Gus Frerotte's and Terry Cousin's luggage and getting duct taped to goalposts all summer. We spend so much time ingesting hype, we lose all perspective about these rookies. Rare is the Matt Ryan or Ben Roethlisberger story. Much more often, guys have trouble adjusting to the NFL, get panned, everyone forgets about them then something clicks or they get traded and they make their way back up to starter status.

Sucking the blood out of our brains, where we need it most.

So we go crazy over an event which we will not really know the results of for at least a couple of years, BUT WE DO IT EVERY YEAR! Because the hype must be maintained year round, there is a whole industry supporting the draft now. I used to think it was ridiculous that this one event could support Mel Kiper Jr. year round. Now, in addition, theres Todd McShay and any number of other self described experts who are pretty much terrible at their jobs. But they don't let that stop them, and why should they? Their cousins in the news industry, the professional Hardball and O'Reilly guests, have made inane bloviation a supposedly admirable art form. Those people are actually doing real harm to the country with their retarded opinions. At least the football guys are only hurting the (mostly) already mentally challenged.

The infamous 2007 Kiper/McShay Draft Day Hair Trade.

"So BH, what set off this messianic truth-telling rant?"
Good question. The world is so chock full of mock drafts, previous year draft analysis and debates about how the Lions will screw up this draft, you'd think the well was dry. Enter Thomas Neumann with what even he admits is a stupid idea: the mock draft of past draftees by current teams. It essentially boils down to "Which Hall-of-Famer would your team pick based on their current needs?". This has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever read. There is not even a tenuous connection to reality here. This mock draft attempts to tear a hole in the time-space continuum. I used to be a little self-conscious about not having cable anymore. Sure, I miss out from time to time on sporting events, but 95% of what I miss is this verbal diarrhea that unceasingly spews from the mouths of these half-wits.

The hype must be stopped. ESPN must be stopped. The NFL must be stopped. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE DRAFT ANYMORE. Ill be watching baseball.

Call me when the real football starts.

All this talk about Basketball...

The last time Yinzer remember liking basketball was this:

#2 Denver Nuggets vs #7 New Orleans Hornets

Here we have a great case of cheerleader squads fitting their teams perfectly. New Orleans brings the heat with a great assist game, you never know exactly where the next great booty shot will come from. The Honeybees are a great all-around squad with some nice young leaders.
















And now for one of the most exciting squads in the league. Some may fault the Nuggets for a lack of consistent fire, but what can you expect when their dance/cheerleader squad is always mixing things up with new costumes.























The bottom line: Denvers flashy creativity with outfits will bewilder simple Southern folk like the Hornets and Honeybees. Nuggets win in 6.

ZAJAC!!!!

Spend all the time you want arguing about how hetero this photo may or may not be. Bottom line is this. 2 down. 14 to go. Next issue.

#1 LA Lakers vs #8 Utah Jazz

We here at SUS like to diversify the type of advice we give out to our fans and enemies. That's why for this years first-round NBA playoff previews White Boy took the rational, sane, "Im actually going to make sense" sort of approach. Devo, naturally, went back to a time when he had hair to make his predictions. I, however, will break down the cheerleader/dance squads to see who will be making the next round. First up, the Utah Jazz:



I always thought that if anywhere, cameltoes would be illegal in Utah.





















Summary: Definitely some real talent here, but they lose points for lack of diversity(the old wooden ship variety). Frankly, the Jazz have no inside moves other than the hot blonde chick. That will get you to the show, but it wont allow you to beat a multi-faceted attack like the Lakers put together. Just look:











Im guessing thats not Posh's ass hes looking at.






Prediction: The Lakers are the class of the NBA. They can score at will with the above lineup and theres not much the non-soda and coffee drinking state of Utah can do about it. The Lakers are destined to meet Bron-bron in the finals. Mark it down. Laker Girls in 4.