Friday, October 3, 2008

Brooklyn Hillbilly (5-3) Presents "The Better Late Than Never Week 5 Picks", Part I

Washington at Philly(-6, 42.5)
Boy howdy doggone it, that was just a super game the Redskins played last week. Ok, Ill stop the Palin-talk. They did everything right against the Cowboys, ran the ball tough, played tight coverage on TO, shut down Barber and Jason Campbell did a good job spreading the ball and not making mistakes. They looked like a good team in a great division. Now comes another big test for the Skins, going into the Linc to face a team that has to be scared about their chances in this division. Look, I know Chicago has a tough D, BUT THEIR QB IS KYLE ORTON! How do you let them beat you? We've all been hearing every year that Philly is "gonna be real good this year" ever since Andy Reid lost the Super Bowl due to poor clock management skills, and every year they don't live up to the hype. I gotta think this is a week they get exposed. Now I'm not saying Washington puts a 40-spot on them. I sure as shit hope not, it would sink me fantasy-wise. But I think you are gonna see the Skins grind out another big win today, prompting the Eagles to go into if not a tailspin, a spiral that takes them out of contention in the NFC East race. Skins with the upset, 24-17.

On an unrelated note, JB just asked the panel on CBS if Brett Favre will be able to sell his house in Wisconsin for the listed price of $475k in these dire economic times. "Coach" and Shannon don't think so, Boomer and Dan do. I could give a shit. I don't want a bunch of meatheads talking to me about politics, religion, economics or alternative energy policy. You are all the guys that never studied in school because you were the star football players, now act like it.


Anyone watch the debate last night? Is it just me, or did you too want to bend Gov Palin and drill her over that podium and have her beg for your oil all over her face? (inaaapropriaate!) When it comes to politics I have no idea what’s going on. I usually let Devo explain the basics to me (Republican – bad; Democrat – good). I say f*** politics and bring on Week 5!

Now I have the privilege of displaying images of the bodacious broad Carmela Decesare Garcia. Don’t worry Carmela, it sounds like your husband might be the starting quarterback again real soon. If I’m Mike Shanahan, I wouldn’t really give a shit about what Al Davis has to say. (His team is in last place.) I’d be more focused on game film of how your team let the Kansas City Chiefs run all over you last week. Tampa Bay is led by the never aging Derrick Brooks on defense but I think the Broncos pass attack is too much for he and his teammates to handle. Brian Griese would love to stick it his old team……but he sucks. Denver always plays well at home and the mountain air will be too much for the Bucs.

Denver 30, Bucs 23

Poor Kim Kardashian got sent home from “dancing with the overrated stars” this week. Hopefully that means more time for her to attend Saint games to root for her fiancĂ© Reggie Bush. I hope she brings the same luck as Jessica did for Tony Homo. Sedric Ellis is out for the next 4 weeks leaving a big hole along the Saints defensive line. Adrian Peterson must be licking his lips knowing he’s going up against a porous run-defense. Expect Drew Brees to have over 50 pass attempts in this one as the Saints will be trying to play catch-up all game long. If the Viking lose this one they will be 1-4 and it’ll be very tough for them to climb out of that hole to get into the playoffs. I think Childress will have his team ready to play Monday night and back in the saddle in the NFC north.

Minnesota 34, Saints 20

White Boy's week 5 picks (5-3)

So my 3 week hot streak to start the year has come to a screeching halt. Still, if me picking the Cowboys has a 100% correlation with Cowboy losses throughout the rest of the season, sign me up. So here it is the Whitest of White picks for this a week 6 in the league where they play................. for pay (Thanks Francessa for allowing me to use your trademark phrase)

Buffalo "Circle the Wagons" Bills (4-0) vs. Arizona "Don't call them Phoenix" Cardinals (2-2) (-1):

B.I.G must be loving life right now. He has lost a ton of weight making him irresistible to me (move over Barack!) and his Bills are 4-0 and have a big fat 2 game lead in the win column over the closest competition in the AFC Least. They have a knack for the big play on both sides of the ball and continue to do just enough to win every week. Jaron is an early choice for coach of the Year and should win this honor hands down if his club wins the AFC Least. The Cardinals have played well at home but awful on the road. The sign of a very average team. They have great weapons at the receiver spot and thank G-d Anquon Boldin is okay after that scary play last week vs the Jetropolitans. However it still looks as if its defense is mediocre at best. Ken Cheesinhut is not overwhelming any of us with his in game "strategery". However, once again I am going to defy logic and go with the home team due to my belief that the Bills are not quite good enough to be 5-0. Though look where that got me last week..... THE PICK: Cardinals (23-20)

Chicago Bears (2-2) (-3.5) at Detroit Lions (0-who gives a fuck this team is horrible)

So the Lions finally fired the only GM that makes Scott Layden and Isaiah Thomas say "hey at least I am not as bad as that guy". the Lions is still the worst team in the NFC. It has a big mouthed QB that is average at best, 1 great wide out and a horrid defense. The Bears fans will be angry going into this game as its two baseball teams will likely be eliminated by kickoff time. While Chisox fans can say to themselves, "hey at least we won in 2005" Cubs fans can take no such solace. They will be left with a strange combination of emotions: (1) I can't believe even this team couldn't get to the second round of the playoffs, (2) I really am not surprised. We are cursed. Luckily, they will be a tad happier by the time the Bears have finished thrashing the Lions. The Bears defense, while being highly overrated and having a penchant for choking away big 4th quarter leads, is still talented enough to pick off Kitna a few times Sunday. Grossman, I mean Orton, (like it matters) won't lose the game for Chicago and its defense will win it to raise the spirits a bit of an otherwise crestfallen windy city. THE PICK: Bears (23-10)

Fredo Picks, Week 5!

Welcome once again to SUS's newest weekly literary feature, The Fredo Picks. Named after the ultimate forgotten brother in film history, we will strive to bring the laser-like analysis that has made SUS famous worldwide to some of the less illustrious NFL matchups every week. And in these troubled financial times, you can rely on our picks to keep you out of mom’s basement.

Devo: 4-3
Mahatma: 6-1
BH: 3-4

Kansas City (+9.5) at Carolina

Devo: Kansas City plays to win the game. Carolina plays to keep fans entertained between NASCAR races. Pick: KC
Mahatma: Carolina has cheerleaders that make out. Kansas City has males dressed in cheerleader outfits. Pick: Carolina
This is, more than anything else, a referendum on vinegary and tart BBQ sauce vs thick and sweet. This week, sweet covers. Pick: KC

Chicago (-3.5) at Detroit
Devo: Chicago makes some solid sausage. Detroit makes cars. More importantly, I'm hungry. Pick: Chicago
I'd rather move to Chicago than Detroit. Pick: Chicago
Boy, that would suck for Northsiders if the Cubbies and the Bears lose in the same weekend. Ill throw them a bone. Pick: Chicago

San Diego (-6.5) at Miami
Devo: Miami has Tony Montana. But San Diego has Brick Tamlin's trident. The World Is Yours, Brick. Pick: The San Diegans
A group of Chargers vs a group of Dolphins. You put a chargers in the water and it does nothing against a group of Dolphins. Pick: Miami
The last time the Dolphins were good was in Ace Ventura. Pick: Saint Dave

Indianapolis (-3) at Houston
Devo: I have absolutely nothing good or bad to say about Indy, which is better than I can say about Houston and the entire state of Texas. Pick: Indy
Mahatma: Over the weekend, I saw Independence Day again. The Aliens were about to own Houston. Indianapolis? Not so much. Pick: Indy
Mahatma, the aliens HAVE overwhelmed Houston, but they are from Mexico and New Orleans. Pick: Indy

Mahatma's Picks (5-3)

Tennesee Titans (-3) @ Baltimore Ravens

I used to love these two teams go at it back in the day. You would rest assured that there would be a ton of big hits and injuries! Nothing like rooting for injuries. Yea I do that. Anyway, The Ravens are a poor offense with a great defense. They took a beating last week and will need to get ready on a short week. The Titans are basically a better version of the Ravens. Better defense, MORE physicial overall and a better offense. Outside of a Kerry Collins meltdown, the Titans should win this one going away.

Tennessee - 24
Ravens - 13

Cincinnati Bengals (+17) @ Dallas Cowboys

So the Bungles are possibly without choke boy, Dallas is fresh of a loss and pissed and the Bungles are 0-4. Cincy will lose this game but at 17 points! Isn't that too much. I mean its entirely possible based on how good the Cowboys are on paper and how the Bungles are on paper but still you'd figure that at some point Cincy would nut up and man up. I'm expecting a close game at first before Dallas blows Cincy out of the water with renewed use of Marion Barber. Why on earth did they not run him or Felix Jones more is another story. Cowboys murder the Bungles but not as bad as say 17 points.

Dallas - 31
Cincinnati - 15

Devo's Picks (4-4)

Seattle +7 over NY GIANTS

Like Mahatma and most of America has said, the Giants are the best team in football. The team has a few spectacular players but mostly is as good as it is due to a surplus of steady players providing great depth. But at the same time, this is troublesome for Giants fans who are generally pessimistic and bitter like myself. One thing that remains more true in the NFL than any other league is that whenever a team is consistently praised one week, it generally gets embarrassed the next week. So on this front, the Giants are game for an upset.


Who have the Giants actually beaten? First, they beat a Redskins team that fits the old adage 'Your week 1 performance means shit.' Then they beat the Rams/Bengals combo that is a combined 0-8 thus far. The Rams game was close for 3 quarters, and the Bengals should have probably beaten the Giants. So throw in the fact that Seattle is getting their top two wide receivers back while the Giants are voluntarily losing theirs, and it looks like there's a close game, if not a home loss to be had. But screw it. ELI. IS. GOD. and he'll pull it out late.
Giants 27
Seattle 24

New England (-3) over SAN FRANCISCO

'Twas a good one week run I had with the 49ers as my sleeper pick, but I'm out. At some point J.T. O'Sullivan had to start playing like the bartender he should have been right? Oh, and you know how some coaches use the bye week to give their players a vacation in Mexico while others use it to make adjustments and fix what isn't working? Well, let's just say that Belichek fits into the second category. And two weeks after his team was a national punchline, he's going to have them as ready as they're ever going to be. They won't all be easy, but this one will be. Expect the Patriots defense to outscore the SF offense.

New England 24
San Francisco 6

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Can we just hand the Big East Trophy to this man...

what the hell world do we live in?

A Quick Note for CC Sabathia

Dear CC,

Sure you screwed up tonite. But that's ok, you're probably used to sucking in the postseason. Unfortunately, in those other years you weren't trying to get a big contract from the Dodgers or the Padres.

But don't cry. Don't brace your eye. Because there is no way that Brian Cashman is smart enough to do anything but bid against himself for your services.


Last I checked it was 4-3 Tampa in 4th but now the game is probably over: Belated Tampa Chisox posting of series preview written during a boring class

So yea the guy who comes up with the names is on vacation. Anywho.......

Sorry for the photo Mets fans. I swear this is not to dump on you all. Mike Francessa has done quite enough of that.

Do I pull for my man Barack’s Chisox or Dick Vitale’s D-rays? If the choice of which team to root for and/or pick to win the series was contingent upon choosing the more awesome celebrity, then this would be a no brainer. Dicky V’s searing and mind numbing voice has ruined Duke Basketball games for decades. Obama, as you know is one of my all time favorite political figures. However, the decision on who to root for and/or pick might be better made as a result of my allegiance to the Yanks and the realization that Tampa is simply a better team respectively.

I guess as a Yanks fan I should root for the team that made it impossible for us to make the playoffs this year...Tampa has a fantastic and dominant big 3 of Shields, Kazmir and Garza at the front of the rotation. They have a lineup that does not scare anyone on paper but has a knack for the big hit. The less hateable of the two Sox has a big 3 of its own; only its big 3 is in the middle of its lineup. The triumvirate of Thome, Dye and Konerko should scare any pitcher and Chicago has the better closer in this series since former Angel closer and current D-rays finisher Troy Percival is inactive for this series. However, big time power pitching almost always out does big time power hitting in October (just ask A-rod and Giambi). Tampa’s big 3 is also fairly young which makes it likely that the members of its big 3 will each go deep into the game ironically ala the Chisox staff in 2005. Those WhiteSox teams didn’t win with power ball but with its starters dominating games. Expect the D-rays to take a page from the 2005 WhiteSox and ride its starting pitching at least to the ALCS

THE PICK: D-rays 3-1

Thursday Morning Mahatma

What a strange weekend overall in football. We might have had one of the craziest weekends in college football with a number of teams choking on a chicken bone while we had a similar power shift in the NFL.

What’s this mean? Well overall we are seeing that well WE DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. Team A looks like world beaters one weekend and then gets murdered the next week. Team B can barely score a touchdown one week and than scores 30 the next week. It’s this increasing randomness of the game which truly brings back the old Any Given Sunday adage. Of course we all know that if Tom Brady was still playing this point would be dull and moot.

The fact of the matter is Football is becoming entirely too black and white for my good. We have the talking heads at ESPN giving out accolades left and right. The worst might have been Monday Night Football where it seemed like whoever was doing well at that moment was getting a rimjob. Can’t we admit that the season is long and that every team has strengths and weaknesses? I think I’ll have to start my ESPN ban a bit earlier rather than later. Anyway here are some power rankings:

Lucky 13 Power Rankings:

1. New York Giants (3-0). Now the class of the NFL with no weaknesses. Nope. None.

2. Tennessee (4-0). I would like for them to not play a one dimensional team so far but they haven’t and so far they are undefeated.

3. Washington (3-1). Have outplayed their opposition in the last 7 halves of football.

4. Dallas (3-1). To go from undefeated season to barely able to make the playoffs is just another week in the NFL.

5. Buffalo (4-0). I still can’t take this team seriously yet even with them being 4-0.

6. Carolina (3-1). Finally might be the year the Panthers get back to the playoffs.

7. Tampa Bay (3-1). Are they really a 3-1 team with Brian Griese at the helm?

8. San Diego (2-2). Where is all the talk about where they should be now? After last night’s bs fest, this team should be 1-3.

9. Chicago (2-2). Do they only show up to play on Sunday Night?

10. New England (2-1). The ultimate disrespect. Being #10 after being sonned by Miami.

11. Denver (3-1). Way to make the Kansas City Chiefs look like a decent team. Weren’t they supposed to be the AFC Champions?

12. Pittsburgh (3-1). This team looks like shit in national TV games. Yay Week 5 @ Jacksonville for Sunday Night Football!

13. Jacksonville (2-2). Again, David Garrard scrambles his way to victory. I wonder how many holds were on those plays? Me? Bitter? Never…

Random, Fairly Obvious Statements from Week 4:
For Jason Garrett to be proclaimed the unanimous “bestest offensive coordinator EVAR,” you’d think he’d utilize his battering ram running back just a wee bit more? Eight touches? If Jason Garrett employed the same game plan with his wife, he’d be divorced. Where’d Felix Jones’s touches go also?

Santana Moss will be sad to see Texas Stadium go. He has a made his career out of games there.
No turnovers in four games by the Redskins? Now that’s impressive. That’s also a recipe for JINX.

NFC fans should rejoice that Romo is good for one horrendous turnover a game.

Jinxed #47897549845 – Raiders vs. Chargers – I love how they flashed the fact that 45 times or whatever the Chargers have scored points in the red zone. The next play, Kaeding field goal. NO GOOD!
No Dice.

Thankfully, the last 3 weeks of Brett Favre talk is now going to be amplified thanks to a pathetic display of defense from Arizona Carinals.

Good to see that Anquan Boldin seems to be okay from the injury.

Didn’t you use to be the Denver Broncos, AFC Champions? They gave up 33 points to the Chiefs. Allowed LJ to have his best game in 2 years and couldn’t sack the nimble Damon Huard?

Didn’t you use to be Jay Cutler, next Half of Fame QB? Sure he may throw for 5,000 yards but will it matter?

Good to see Larry Johnson back in from injury. Oh wait, he’s been healthy? Last 2 seasons? Really?

Derek Anderson should thank his agent for getting him some ridiculous coin this past off-season. Everytime he drops back to pass, Browns fans hear the sound of money getting flushed down the toilet.

Ryan Grant used to be good. Didn’t he?

Was that a Brohm chant I heard in Green Bay?

Albert Haynesworth is the best defensive player in football and has been since he stomped on Andre Garude’s head.

Tavarius Jackson/Gus Frerotte: Say hello to Tim Tebow!

The Jaguars continue to win late. Have they ever won early? Oh right, it will likely be next Sunday night!

The Oakland Raiders: A Commitment to Excrement. Finding a way to lose since 2002.
Was there a difference between Trent Green and Marc Bulger?

Buffalo has had the benefit of playing a crappy schedule but it might be getting tougher?
Sun 10/5 at Arizona
Sun 10/19 San Diego
Sun 10/26 @ Miami
Sun 11/2 NY Jets
Sun 11/9 @ New England

At least, we’ll see how good they are.

Uh, hurry back Westbrook. The Eagles sorely need you.

The Official I’ve Lost it of the Week:
"We'll be ready to go. This football team will be ready to play in Dallas next week. We'll play better than we played last week and we'll play better than we played this week. We'll come home with nothing short of a victory. It's going to be a great football game."
This is BUNGLE COACH Marvin Lewis. ARE YOU INSANE? Desperate talk from a desperate man. But for that team to go in and beat a Dallas team on the road that must already be pissed off from losing to the Skins at home and with him coaching?
No Dice

Pathetic Fan of the Week from Week 4:
I have no beef with Jets fans really except when you go to Tonic East and rock the throwback jersey. Look, Tonic has its share of douchebags with their cactuses and pop collars but who would spend money on that piece of excrement jersey? Oh right the same douchebags with said cacti and popped collars which this kat was sadly sporting.

Better get on with Life’s work of the Week:
Scott Linehan – you tried but in the end you couldn’t make shit smell like roses. Linehan was a great coordinator and will likely get another shot in that role. Linehan was lacking in motivational skills, to put it charitably. The talent he had to work with was non-existant and the team desperately needs an infusion of talent all across the board. Injuries also haven’t helped the last couple of seasons. However, the most damning fact of the matter is that his players did not respond to him, showed indifference, and publicly criticized him. Without respect, a head coach is doomed and Linehan never got the team to buy into his ideas.

Better get on with Life’s work of the Week Part II:
Roethlisberger lobbied for coach Mike Tomlin and offensive coordinator Bruce Arians to try the no-huddle on the Steelers' pivotal third-quarter drive. They obliged. "We get a rhythm going," Roethlisberger said. "I like it because it's going off what I see, not necessarily what the coaches see."

Last week, I crowed how horrendous Bruce Arians was and now we see the frustration boil over. Arians again set this team behind the 8 ball and once again, relied on Ben to bail them out. Notice a pattern here with Tomlin/Arians. This team always gets behind most teams yet comes back through the No Huddle and with Ben calling his own plays. It’s time for this offense to take the training wells and allow Ben to rock out. Arians help bring along Peyton and now is the time he allows Ben that same opportunity. The offense as a whole will benefit.

Better get on with Life’s work of the Week Part III:

To Lane Kiffin, under normal circumstances I’d say you effed up too and that Charger game last Sunday was pretty awful BUT dealing with senile Al Davis is another story. Kiffin will likely get an OC job after this season. He handled the situation with Davis and went about his job and there is noticeable improvement with the Raiders period. I don’t know what Davis expects to happen with such a young team but well he is a crazy so go figure. I should have titled this better get a new job but if that’s the case I would need to do the same.

Angry White Yankee Fan

Ok Anaheim. I'll give you one of two choices.

1. Lose to the Yankees, and lose to the Red Sox.
2. Beat the Yankees and beat the Red Sox.

This beating the Yankees and losing to the Red Sox bullshit has to stop.

Thank you.

Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire Part 5: The Mahatma Edition

Every child grows up worshiping athletes as their heroes only rivaled by their love of the Ninja Turtles. But you know what? Most of these children grow up to be bitter and jaded, learning to hate their opponents as much as they loved their childhood heroes. And thus, SUS brings you the fifth of a series, "Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire."

Click here to view Miss Met's picks.
Click here to view White Boy South Bronx's picks.
Click here to view Devo's picks.
Click here to view Brooklyn Hillbilly's picks.

by Mahatma

1. Rodney Harrison

A grade A douchebag. Harrison is a dirty son of a bitch that loves playing on the edge between legal and illegal. Unfortunately, homeboy is able to get away because he has that reputation so like all things illegal and the Patriots, the league turns a deaf ear. I hated this tool before he went to the Patriots but since than, his natural douche ‘o’ meter has been upped to near unprecedented levels. Whether it be cheap shotting players or punching balls in piles, you can be rest assured that Harrison is doing his thing. Helmet to Helmut hits no problem, late hits, he can do that too. Thankfully, Harrison has gotten karma’d recently so not all hope is lost. Whether it be in 2005 when Steeler scrub Cedrick Wilson ended his season or in 2006, while making a tackle on Marvin Harrison, Roidney injured his right shoulder and missed the next six weeks of the season. He returned for the Patriots' against the Tennessee Titans, but his season was ended for good the next week after a low block from Bobby Wade injured his right knee. This hatred steamed ahead when Roidney got busted for roids last year. Harrison stated to the media that he used "a banned substance" for "accelerating the healing process from injuries [he] sustained playing football," and "never to gain a competitive edge." Sure you did, asshole. In addition, according to federal agents and Harrison himself, Harrison received a shipment of HGH, with his name on it, just days before the 2004 Super Bowl where he had 2 picks. Again. Douchebag.

2. Shawne Merriman

If there is something I hate more than hyped-up monster, is a hyped-up cheating dog monster that still gets hyped. Merriman is such a thing. Yea he looked awesome his 2nd year running over 350 lb Tackles but now we all know that he is a roided up fraud. The worst was him getting caught and than suspended for 4 games only to return still roided up and than get lauded as the Best Defensive Player of the year. Fortunately for my psyche, Roid Boy returned to his above average self last year to the tune of 10 sacks. Not to mention, I think what truly pisses me is this asshats jackhammer dance. Does he know he looks like he’s taking it up the ass from his boy friend in a motel? Even worse is that the tool has a “Lights Out” catchphrase. I mean really? What is this pro wrestling? Thankfully, Sir-Roids-A-Lot recently got karma’d also and is out for the year. It’s times like this that I’m happy that there is a god and he takes out assholes.

“Roids-out” Merriman is a waste of perfectly good urine.

3. Kendall Simmons

Who? Ask any Steeler fan who knows a damn and he’ll tell you about this walking disaster. I know its sacrilege to hate on your own team but this guy is an absolute worthless mistake that is a consistent detriment to our football team. Simmons was a first round pick in 2002 from Auburn but instead of actually admitting they’ve made a mistake with him, the Steelers continue to use this guy in a starting role. Simmons is the epitome of a practice player. He looks good in practice when he’s running in shorts but you put some pads on him and he is the worst offensive linemen in the league. To make matters worse, after a decent training camp last season, The Steelers lavished Simmons with a 5 year deal worth 24 million. He responded by allowing 10 sacks as a guard which is really embarrassing considering most guards have poor years if they allow 5-6 sacks. Simmons can’t get any movement on defenders in the run game nor can he do anything in pass pro. He has nothing on balance and plays entirely too high to allow for simply shrugging away by opposing defenders. He is simply not strong enough nor coordinated enough to be a starting guard. His only saving grace is his pulling and really what’s the use if you can’t get enough on your block to do anything with that. There have been multiple times when he has had an opportunity to engage a blocker and simply fell to the grass face first like a complete oaff.

For the sake of my franchise and our offense, Kendall should be sent to the bench but apparently he has naked photos of Mike Tomlin and Dan Rooney so he will likely stay in the starting lineup

4. Carson Palmer

I know everyone and their mother loves Carson and his boyishly good looks but really I hate this guy.

Every year the Cornholer comes out in the off-season and says we are the best team in the division. Ha. Not really Carson. Every year he gets lavished as the 3rd best QB in football. I mean sure he has STUPENDOUSLY awesome mechanics and throws a pretty deep ball. He is everything you want in a FANTASY QB. Palmer will do his usual 200 yards passing 2 tds a game but boy if you are in a big game and need something done late, don’t look for Palmer. So much so that I should trademark the Palmer Theorem: "if it's inside two minutes and the Bengals are behind -- it's Palmer turnover time!" Time and time again I’m proven correct. (Editor's note: Not two weeks ago vs the Super Bowl Champs) Heck ask the great White Boy as he rooted on Chokeson to yet another game ending pick.

The problem with Carson is that with all the blame to go around in Cincy, I'm amazed at how Palmer gets off the hook. He gets credit for wins, and a free pass when the team goes down often to Palmer’s inability to produce. Look I’m not saying coming back to lead a game winning or tieing drive is easy but after 5 seasons, you’d think he’d get it done once? Look, you can only blame the criminal element and the defense for so much -- sooner or later you'll have to face reality. His performance -- or should I say fades -- in big games speaks for itself and will continue to do. If I had time, I’d go through Carson’s career and note the exorbitant amount of turnovers at the end of the games on his hands (someone remind me to do this btw)

There’s a difference between being a great passer and being a great quarterback. Palmer may be a great passer, but he’ll never be the total-package quarterback. Until proven otherwise, Carson Palmer is NOT an elite QB no matter what Joe SportsCenter says. He also makes it easy to rip on him: exhibit A or how about this ad.

5. Jay Pandolfo

When you hear a name like Pandolfo, don’t you just think Scrub? Well I do and Pandolfo is just that. You can look up the definition of a no talent ass clown and see Pandoucho’s mugshot right there. Sure some Devil fans will scream ‘OMGZ SELKE CANDIDATE’ but really Pandolfo is a system player that got into the proper role for him and his career and made a living off of it.

He is good defensively and shutdown many of my heroes but the fact of the matter he’s still a no talent ass clown. Pandolfo has benefited from clutch and grab style of hockey and has carved himself a nice niche in the league. By rearing his ways on the clutch and grab hockey, Pandolfo learned the ropes and is one of those guys that can walk that fine line between legal and penalty. He’s like the Pat’s O-Line with the amount of holding he gets away.

Take a look at his stats from hockey db. His highest point total was 27 points! I mean seriously, what a scrub.

I can here the tears of Devil nation rolling down their itty bitty red and white faces but tough shit. It pains me to admit that Douchebag also went to THE Boston University and from that should be one of the cool guys. But no. He played for the devils so he was dead to me. Oh right, there’s also another angle to this. He is related to POS, Mike Pandolfo who was not only scrubbier than Jay but also the finest player that we saw at Terrier land. Honestly, thank god for the worst 4 years of BU hockey where Mike F’n Pandolfo is the best player. Gee thanks. That and I got to see Ryan Whitney begin to hone his purse swinging techniques. Thanks again. For those reason Pandolfo isn’t worthy of my piss. He is worthy of a kick in the nuts though.


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Something about today feels different...

Let's see, could it be...

...the rain?
Nah. Rain happens.

that I'm home on a Wednesday?
Nah, it's been that way for the last month or two.

...the Jewish holidays?
Nah. Though I've been through enough today for a therapy session.

oh, I know, it's the MLB post season, and there's nothing left of the Yankee season! Awesome.

I Still Feel Like Writing About the Mets


As the playoffs are about to begin, I will once again dwell on the fact that my team is not playing. I was just reading ESPN Page 2's 100 Reasons We Love the MLB Playoffs, which made me (more) jealous and (more) bitter.

Shea Goodbye

For those of us that continued to watch the coverage of the last game of the season after the horrible game was over, it was definitely bittersweet. The closing of Shea was also a homecoming for many former players. Among my favorites were Mike Piazza, Robin Ventura, Edgardo Alfonzo, Todd Zeile, Yogi Berra, Willie Mays, Tom Seaver, Dwight Gooden, Darryl Strawberry, and Keith and Ron. I loved that they had the former players touch home plate for the last time. I loved that Tom Seaver threw the ceremonial last pitch to Mike Piazza and that the two most popular Mets walked out together to center field to close the doors. I loved the symmetry that made it work out so that Seaver and Piazza could be battery mates for the end of Shea.

Where was: John Olerud? The Public Address announcer named former Mets who could not be in attendance for whatever reason, but he was not mentioned. My mom and I thought he would be there. When he wasn't there and Todd Zeile (a favorite, but not quite as good) was, we were just a little confused.

Where was: Mike Piazza's beard?

By the Way

John Maine underwent successful arthroscopic shoulder surgery yesterday to remove a lesion. He should be ready for Spring Training.

Johan Santana is even more phenomenal then I thought. Turns out the ace had a torn meniscus in his left knee before his last start. I'm thinking there would have been either a perfect game or a no hitter if he was 100% for that game. He had surgery today to repair it.

Jon Heyman of reports that:

Jerry Manuel will become the Manager.
Carlos Delgado's option will be picked up.
David Wright and Jose Reyes will not be traded.
The Mets have some interest in signing Manny Ramirez.
They think they need a catcher.

MissMet of Straight Up Sports thinks that:

They need to retool almost their entire bullpen, get a good starting pitcher and someone who can take a leadership role on and off the field, more so than Beltran, Delgado, Wright and Reyes, because none of them are a fit in that role. I have no idea how they will do this and who they must get rid of in order to do it, but that is why I am not the General Manager. Speaking of the GM, I also think that resigning Omar Minaya might not have been the best idea, but maybe he can prove himself during the offseason.
Enjoy the playoffs...


ALDS Preview: Boston Red Sox vs Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Southern California of the United States

The guy even drinks a proper bourbon. Pedroia's the man.

Game 1: Wed 10pm @LA Lester vs Lackey
Game 2: Fri 10pm @LA Matsuzaka vs Santana
Game 3: Sun TBD @BOS Saunders vs Beckett

FINALLY!!! The playoffs are here, time for someone to wake up the Angels and let them know the games start counting again. But don't wake up John Lackey, I loved his last performance(2.2IP, 10H, 10R, 1K). I have to say, despite the fact that every publication out there is telling me that, as a Sox fan, I shouldn't get my hopes too high, I'm pretty confident that Boston can steal a game in LA and win two at home. I would take Lester over Lackey 8 days a week, Dice-K is unstoppable on the road and Josh Beckett will remind everyone why he is the most dominant playoff starting pitcher of the 21st century on Sunday. And lest we forget, it IS ALL ABOUT THE PITCHING. Nate Silver(check out his political work, its the best in the biz) and the boys at Baseball Prospectus agree, with their "Secret Sauce" playoff rankings which cite strikeout pitching, reliable closing and defense as the 3 most important characteristics of a successful playoff team. And this year the Red Sox sit atop the Sauce rankings. Average hitting is all that is required to win in the playoffs, keeping runs OFF the board is more critical than putting them on. The Red Sox are superior to the Angels(dare I say all?) in this respect.

What Beckett wants, Beckett gets.

The area where the Angels trump the Sox is in offensive production. The addition of Mark Texiera bolstered a line-up that had been looking for another bat the last few years. For an ordinary pitching staff, this batting order looks scary, but if you dig a little deeper, you notice that the Angels have problems extending pitch counts and consequently have a lower OBP than the Sox. In a series with good pitching and both teams swinging the bat well, the difference may end up being a couple well timed baserunners. I see the Angels swinging for the fences, and will probably put up big numbers in one of their home games, but dominant pitching from the Sox will prevail.

With injuries to Mike Lowell and JD Drew, the Sox have relied on a stable of talented youngsters to fill in the gaps, which has worked surprisingly well. Thus, I am not terribly concerned if they are not both back at 100% tonight. It would make things easier if they are their old selves, but we can survive without them for a game or two. The other unmentioned factor is the inexplicable slumps some star players get into once the playoffs start(see Rod, A-). The scrappiness of this team over the years has led me to believe the Sox are resistant if not immune to this. Someone will step up cuz no one wants to let Tito or the rest of the guys down. As bad as the national press is trying to make me feel, Im impervious to their critiques of this team. You may say I'm just pulling a John McCain("ignore the polls!") but I just have faith that the Angels are snakebit at Fenway and we will not lose 2 in a row in whatever part of SoCal the Angels are claiming this year. Sox win it in 4.


Two Big FU's or Why I'm Diehard Dodgers this Post Season

FU #1: Boston Fans
You know what would be great? Seeing Manny really give it back to the Sox by hitting .450 this postseason and beating Boston in the World Series. Manny could continue to maintain that he hated his entire time in Boston, that the worst moments of his life were being on a Boston team that won two titles, and that he's happy to be playing in a town where the people are real, Los Angeles. The thing with this Manny and Boston relationship is that while he's pretty much hated by everyone in the city right now, this feud that should die down after a few years pass, allowing for Manny and the Massholes the time to learn to relove each other.

That said, Manny quit on the Red Sox. He's clearly the asshole in this relationship to everyone except Manny, who blames the oppressive Boston sports climate which asked him to play hard for at least 162 days each year. So wouldn't it be funny if it were to rain shit all over Boston with Manny celebrating a World Series win in Fenway?

FU #2: The Yankee Front Office

If the Dodgers win a World Series, it means that Joe Torre wins a World Series. And while that's a swift kick in the nuts to Yankee fans who saw Joe Girardi underachieve, it's a FU to the Yankee Brass the size of Hank Steinbrenner's undeserved ego. The difference here is that even the most bitter Yankee fans don't hate Torre. They're miffed that he misused the bullpen and that his teams have spent the last three years bowing out of the first round of the playoffs before you can say "bloody sock," but he'll always be a Yankee. As for Hank Steinbrenner? I'm not calling him an unworthy idiot, but there's a 70% chance that he believes himself to be the main reason for the 90's Yankee dynasty. And nothing would be a bigger FU to him than seeing his old manager win the World Series while his team was left out of the playoffs due to the politics of, um, having divisions in MLB.

And while we're here, props to the Yankee front office for deciding that Cashman was worthy of a 3 year contract. Cashman is a man who wouldn't trade Mark Prior 2k8 (Hughes), a future 5th starter (Kennedy), and a 4th outfielder (Melky) for the man who should win the Cy Young this year. But I digress. At least until the Yankees spend $15 million apiece on Sheets and Ollie Perez.

Pick: Dodgers in 4

A Giants fan's Jets recap

I know that I love the Giants. I know that I hate the Cowboys and Eagles. I know that I am slightly pro-Jets. I also know that I have absolutely no emotion for or against the New York Titans, who took the field against the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday. So without further ado, here is a die hard Giants fan's take on the game that increased the New York Jets record to 2-2 and raised the New York Titans 2008 record to 1-0.

Defense: B+= the only thing more hideous than the New York Titans uniform is the offensive display that the Cardinals, mainly Kurt Warner, put forth in the first half. He was being as careless with the football as Sarah Palin is with the words in the English language. His decision making, most notably on a short sideline throw which was telegraphed by 2nd year standout db out of Pitt Derelle Revis and returned for 6. Still, give the Jets D credit for turning over Warner so frequently which largely helped the jets offense score 27 points in the 2nd quarter. (plus the 7 scored by Revis). Ellis and Jenkins brought good pressure and Man-genius called a strong defensive 1st half. However because they were clearly playing a bend slowly and break defense in the 2nd half, the Jets allowed the Cards to score 21 quick points in the 2nd quarter to cut the lead to 34-21. As I and many NFL fans say, the only thing prevent defense prevents you from doing is winning.

Offense A= The Jets played a virtually flawless offense game. Farve had his most prolific passing game in years throwing for a fairly robust total of 289 yards and an amazingly impressive 6 TD's. As Beningo and Roberts detailed on Monday, Farve made several deep throws that Chad could only make in his dreams. It appears that Laverneunce Coles has finally gotten over losing his best pal (who named his son after him) to the rival Fish and has began to embrace catching balls thrown by a Hall of fame, albeit media sensationalized, Quarterback.

Coaching B+= The offensive game plan was obviously well crafted. The Jets and Farve attacked a mediocre secondary and Marty's son finally took the diapers off Farve and allowed him to throw deep on a consistent basis. The defensive game plan was excellent in the first half when they applied great pressure on the very slow footed QB Warner. However, the 2nd half game plan of bend and slowly break prevent defense nearly proved cataclysmic. The Cards scored 21 quick points thanks in part to a successful onside kick and gave the loud Jets fans at Tonic a good scare. (if they were Mets fans also they must have actually been shitting themselves at that point)

UFC is for pussies

Dwarf cage fighting is where its at.

Click here and here for some candid shots and some backstory. This shit is gonna sweep the country, I guarantee it.

Props to Gorilla Mask

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

NLDS, Phillies-Brewers: I Hate Both of These Teams Right Now

In one corner, we have the Milwaukee Brewers- winners of the National League Wild Card . In the other corner, we have the Philadelphia Phillies- winners of the National League East . Both of these teams had losing records against the Mets, but both of these teams beat out the Mets for the postseason. I honestly didn't even know if the Phillies were playing the Cubs or the Brewers (that's how much I've checked out right about now).

For Game 1 in Philly, the Phillies are going with their ass, I mean ace, Cole Hamels. Meanwhile, ESPN tells me that the Brewers' starter is Yovani Gallardo, one of the least experienced pitchers to start a postseason game...ever. Now, the Brewers have not been involved in meaningful October baseball since 1982, the year of my birth, so I can understand why they're a little bit confused about the way things work. However, much like Johan Santana (sadly) cannot start every Mets game, CC Sabathia cannot start every Brewers game. He'll go in Game 2 against Brett Myers, who redeemed himself in the 2nd half of the season, kinda like a man named Carlos Delgado. Ben Sheets has not been ruled out for Milwaukee, but he does not believe that he can pitch anymore this season. With that being said, the Brewers have yet to pick a Game 3 starter v. Jamie Moyer at Milwaukee. They do understand that they must play a Game 3 in order to win this series right? Come on now, Dale Sveum (Milwaukee manager for the past week or so).

If Sabathia can pitch 2 of the 5 games, then the Brewers have a chance, but last year's 1st round playoff loss (HA!) to the Rockies means the Phillies are not only seeking revenge, but have some experience to back it up.

Phillies in 5 (only if Sabathia can pitch 2 games)

You know what though? I don't care at all if I'm wrong.


Monday, September 29, 2008

No Giants Game? Screw it, let's go wedding crashing!

Or not. A buddy of mine got married this weekend in Rhode Island, and yours truly had the honor of being Best Man. Some thoughts:

-I didn't have to be there until Friday night, but being unemployed, I figured I'd show up Thursday and help set up. Since the wedding was in Rhode Island and I needed money to drop from the sky, a trip to the Foxwoods blackjack table was clearly in order.

-And once again, I remembered why I hate Foxwoods. I would take AC over Connecticut every day and twice on Sundays. Though I'm pretty sure the only reason that I hate Foxwoods is that I keep losing money there, while I keep leaving AC with a surplus of cash.

-To say that Foxwoods is sketchy is to say that the New York third basemen are not very good at hitting in the clutch. Of course when you go on a Thursday afternoon, what do you expect? The three people I found:
1. Asians who took the Chinatown bus from Boston.
2. Old people who took the Chinatown bus from Boston.
3. Old Asians who took the Chinatown bus from Boston.

-Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind playing with these fine people until they started playing my hand in Blackjack. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, it's when someone puts money on your hand and win or lose based on your result. I've never seen this done before, and I don't like it. My main beef with someone playing my hand is this:

1. Play your own hand and stop worrying about me. There's room at this table, lest we forget it's a Thursday afternoon.

2. IF you're going to play my hand, stop talking to me. You don't want to get between a jew and his money.
IF you're going to talk to me, please stop yelling in my ear.
IF you're going to yell in my ear, do it in English and not Chinese. Thanks.

After a first shoe and a half I was up $20 and about to leave Foxwoods.
After using my profits for lunch, I decided to keep going and lost $40. (Down $20)
After getting served at that table, I decided I'd win my money back at the table I won the $20 at earlier. Lost another $40.
Final tally for those of you keeping score at home: -$60

-After Foxwoods, it was off to help set up the wedding. A word of advice, if you're going to have an outdoor wedding, make sure that a Nor'easter isn't heading your way. The wedding was a fairly do-it-yourself affair at the bride's uncle's massive summer house in Rhode Island. It's amazing what about 5 inches of rain can do to a carefully manicured lawn, tent covering or no.

Hey Devo, weren't you best man? Tell me about your speech?

Well, dear SUS reader, I nailed it. But the best man speech is odd-jokes that you think are corny get a huge reception, while jokes that you think will slay the audience allow crickets to be heard. An example of each:

Corny: Doesn't the bride look great? She's glowing and radiating sheer joy. And being from Jersey, if there's one thing I know it's radiation and glowing.
Stupid, no? Well, it brought the house down. Who knew?

Hilarious: The groom has always been there for me. Even today, he knew to plan the wedding during the Giants bye week.

I think two people laughed at that-a devoted Redskins fan and my dad. Clearly I found the 150 people in the country not watching the NFL on Sundays.

Oh, and lest I forget, there's the divisive cursing; I rocked a holy shit as part of the toast. There's clearly a corollary here-the closer your blood relationship to the bride and groom, the less you laugh. The bride's father? Not laughing. My group of friends? In stitches.

The bride comes from a very Irish Catholic background-her father is one of 10 kids and she's the oldest of 8, which led to this line: "I had dinner with 5 of the bride's siblings the other night. When 5 relatives of mine close in age get together, we have a word for that-Hanukah." Brought the house down with that line-though I'm sure there were some folks wondering who let the Jew into the party. I'm pretty sure I saw an old man move his wallet into his front pocket after that line.

But clearly the best part of being the best man is that you get to go around telling everyone the following line: You may be a GOOD man, but I'm the BEST man. After telling Mahatma this joke, I was told that I'm out of the running for his best man.

And lastly, the Devo drunken misspeak of the night: One of the bride's aunts asked me to dance. And being the P.I.M.P that I am, who was I to turn her down? So I went and rocked out. As I said earlier, the bride's father is one of 10 siblings. I meant to say: 1 to 10, which are you in the order of siblings? But instead it came out as something along the lines of:On a scale of 1-10, how would you describe yourself? Needless to say, I avoided eye contact with her at all costs during the brunch the following morning...

Mahatma's Monday Night MADNESS Pick (5-2)

Baltimore (+7) @ Pittsburgh

Going into the season EVERY steeler fan knew that the offensive line is horrendous. Apparently, now the entire league knows. GREAT! So what’s the good news? How about a Monday Night game against the EVIL purple fudgepackers and their blitz happy 3-4/4-3/5-2/4-6 scheme that has destroyed the other two AFC north teams. GREAT! Also add injuries to “Above Average Speed” Willie Parker and Casey “Baconator” Hampton and the Steelers are now missing two pro bowlers! GREAT! As we saw last Sunday, Big Ben got pummeled which would force most coaches to reevaluate what they are doing. Not the Steelers. It’s all good was the company motto. Not to worry people, it’s easily correctable! GREAT! Unfortunately, correctable would mean euthanizing about 2 players and 2 coaches but that’s illegal and this is a family site.

This is going to be an ugly game. The Ravens will blitz and blitz so it’s vital the Steelers hit a big play on them early and then rock out. Rook, Rashard Mandenhall also gets the start today and will likely do nothing as the Rats have historically stuffed the running game of the Steelers. Don’t get me wrong, The Steelers are way more talented but when your O-Line is shit your whole offense is shit. Don’t let last year fool you, the 38-7 whooping the Steelers put on was a perfect storm that likely won’t be replicated again. The Steelers also haven’t made a game changing play on defense in about 3 years. Now would be a good enough time to do that. If they did that I would have some hope. The Rats have feasted on our offensive line for years now and take their usual 5 cheapshots on our QB per game.

Fans expecting the next Cowboy/Eagle game will be solely mistaken. This is going to be a boring game so plan on watching Heroes, Two and Half Men, Law & Order, CSI Miami, etc, etc, etc. Oh yea, Ravens win so drink heavily. The worst part is they aren't even that good! GREAT! Dr. Phil needs to help me off the ledge on this one.

Baltimore – 12
Pittsburgh – 9

Why is this year different from any other year?

Because usually only NFC East Teams say they are rooting 1) for their team 2) anyone playing the Cowboys. But can we agree that there are enough douchebags/convicts/suicidal receivers on the Cowboys that most of the NFL is rooting 1)for their team 2) anyone playing the Cowboys? Well, in honor of that theme, we are going to spend Monday Mornings this season saluting whoever beats the Cowboys. In a perfect world, this will get old after our 8th tribute by week 12. But let's be honest, we're only going to be able to do this 4-5 times this year, so we're going to enjoy it.

PS-You beat the Cowboys by 1) controlling the clock, 2) getting a lead on them and taking them away from the run, 3) a Wade Phillips brainfart, 4) a Tony Romo brainfart, and 5) attacking their defense, most notably the secondary. The Redskins did this very well, but only knew to do this because the Giants created this blueprint last January.

Anyways, here's to you, Washington!

Sunday, September 28, 2008


For the second season in a row, the Mets have been eliminated from postseason contention on the final day of the season. While I am obviously devastated, frustrated, etc, I think that last year prepared me for this. I was never sure, just always hopeful, that the Mets would make the playoffs. Without looking at the final month, it is easy to be able to look back at the rest of the year and say that the playoffs weren't definite. Think of the way the season started, the way the middle of the season went and how the NL East was back and forth the whole time. It was never ever like 2007, when the Mets were ahead throughout the season and it was a shocking ending. People practically expected this to happen again, they were waiting for it. Therefore, when it did, it is painful, but not in the way it was last year. I don't think this will be talked about alllllll throughout the postseason, the winter, Spring Training and the regular season like it was this year. I'm upset for Jerry Manuel, who will hopefully be back as Manager next year. I'm very disappointed for all of the awesome fans that were out there for the game because it was easy to tell that they were so excited and ready to erupt. I'm sorry for Johan, who pitched his ass off yesterday, but will maybe win the Cy Young award as a result. I'm depressed for my mom and I, because we so devotedly watched the games as if we are related to the players. I'm sad for those bullpen pitchers who were mediocre. I'm miserable for the offense, who should have been amazing in the clutch, but really wasn't.
I'm about to watch the bittersweet Closing Ceremony for Shea Stadium, which will close its doors for good afterwards. CitiField will be beautiful and extraordinary, but I was really hoping that it wouldn't be Shea's last goodbye quite yet.
Oh yeah and...let's go Cubbies.

Let's All Just Breathe

Good afternoon, Mets fans. Today marks the official end of the 2008 regular season, although we might all be wishing for an extra game tomorrow, or not. Since those bas-, uh, Philadelphia boys are sitting pretty and are able to call the NL East crown their very own, the Mets and Brewers are tied for the Wild Card with one game to play. If they both win or both lose, there will be a one-game playoff on Monday at Shea. If the Mets win and the Brewers lose, the Mets are in. Vice-freakin-versa. After Friday night's horrendous loss, Johan came in on short rest and pitched. The. Most. Amazing. Game. Ever. At least the best one I've ever seen. I was practically calm through the game even though a loss could have meant elimination. Santana was the epitomy of cool, calm and collected as he dominated the Marlins line-up.
So here we go. Its raining at Shea, but that's not stopping all of the former players from walking to the field on a red carpet with the fans along the side!!
Let's go Mets.

Brooklyn Hillbilly (4-2) Has More Foreign Policy Experience Than Sarah Palin: The Week 4 Picks

Whats with the Nazi salutes?

Philadelphia(-3, 39.5) at Chicago
Look out Kyle, the rush is coming. Now, Philly's pass rush probably wont be as effective as it was last week, since the Bears don't have 5 ten year old girls blocking for them. But I wont bore you with my breakdown of the 15 Couric dump that the Steelers offensive coordinator and the offensive line took at the Linc last week. Suffice it to say that the Philly D looked tough regardless of Pittsburgh's failings. The big loss coming out of that game for the Eagles was losing Brian Westbrook for at least this week. This puts more pressure on the injured shoulders(and chest) of McNabb. Luckily, they are playing Kyle Orton and the Bears. I think the D can win this game for Philly, provided Donovan can get a rhythm and a couple passes off to Reggie Brown. I don't think this will be a grind it out game, Chicago's D plays the run too well, but they cant defend the pass for shit, so look for Philly to go to the air early and often. Philly keeps the ball rolling 21-10.

Your 2008 Tennessee Titans

Minnesota at Tennessee(-3, 35.5)
I'm starting to get pissed off at the Vikings. I picked them to win the NFC North and now they have Gus "Butthead" Frerotte starting at QB. I'm not sure what it is about some teams in this league(let alone this division), but they just don't take the QB position seriously. Frankly, the only reason the Titans get the standard 3 point house edge is that they don't care about QB either. Kerry Collins vs Gus Frerotte, interesting matchup in 1996, an abomination in 2008. The two offenses are going to put up similar numbers, with the advantage going to Minny because of the ever present threat of AP getting some space and tearing off some big ones. That means the defenses will decide this game and it is there that the Titans win this game. I know that the Titans have played 2 shitty teams, but their pass D will make Brad Childress and Ziggy(not gonna look up the proper spelling) Wolf regret going into the season without a decent QB on the roster. I still like the Vikings as a person, but as a certified NFL analyst, I have to pick the Titans to win a tough one 20-14.

Fredo Picks Week 4!

Welcome once again to SUS's newest weekly literary feature, The Fredo Picks. Named after the ultimate forgotten brother in film history, we will strive to bring the laser-like analysis that has made SUS famous worldwide to some of the less illustrious NFL matchups every week. And in these troubled financial times, you can rely on our picks to keep you out of mom’s basement.

Denver (-9.5) @ KC
Denver had The Real World. I've tried to get on but apparently there's no balding Jew demographic. Pick: KC
BH: South Park is coming back soon, right? Maybe Jay Cutlers cameo this year will be better. Pick: Denver
Mahatma: South Park is back and Real World Denver was probably one of my favorites since Real World Vegas. That’s a sign from the gambling gods. Pick: Denver

Houston (+8) @ Jacksonville
Even Jacksonvillians hate Jacksonville. Pick: Houston
BH: Steve Slaton will bring the force of 10,000 burning couches to the field with him. Pick: Houston
Houston just got hit by a hurricane. Jacksonville did not. Pick: Jagoffs

San Diego (-8) @ Oakland
Oakland has Hell's Angels, but Brick Tamlin killed a guy and is probably wanted for murder. Pick: SD
BH: My shitty town/point covering theory falls apart here. That tends to happen when you play a decent team. Pick: Whales Vagina
Mahatma: Oakland is like the west coast version of Newark. Shudder. Pick: SD