Athletes We Wouldn't Piss on If They Were On Fire: Part 1 Miss Met Edition

Every child grows up worshiping athletes as their heroes only rivaled by their love of the Ninja Turtles. But you know what? Most of these children grow up to be bitter and jaded, learning to hate their opponents as much as they loved their childhood heroes. And thus, SUS brings you the first of a series, "Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire."

Part 1: MissMet

1. Derek Jeter

Perhaps you didn’t know this, but I don’t really like the Captain. My hatred for him has grown this year, as there are probably at least 9 Ford commercials starring him during Mets games. I know that other Mets fans hate this, so I’m sure they all rejoiced (as I did) when he was on the DL earlier in the season. I don’t even remember (or really care) what happened to him, but it was nice to see him out for a few weeks. Maybe somewhere down the road, he will have some sort of freak career-ending injury- most likely caused by his awful hair. Maybe then I’d get to stop hearing about how that Jeter-guy has an Edge (barf).


2. Lleyton Hewitt


This Australian tennis player is just a big asshole. With his obnoxious “COME ON!” cheer, seemingly after every point, and his pissy attitude, he has always rubbed me the wrong way. Worst of all, he showed a racist side when he accused a black linesman of calling points in James Blake’s favor, because they were both black. Duh. Whenever I hear about a Hewitt injury (or even loss) my day gets a little merrier.


3. Scott Gomez


Ah, remember the good ol’days when Scotty was a Devil? Well, as soon as the Alaskan-native went across the Hudson to the Big City, my love for him melted away quicker than a frozen pond in Miami (did I just mention four geographical locations in one sentence?!). My heart is broken and I wish his arm would be- or a leg. A collarbone? Either way, I want this Ranger to go down.


4. Pat Burrell/Chipper Jones


These two power hitters have been killing the Mets for years as part of the Phillies and Braves respectively. Since they are both on NL East rivaling teams, most of their home runs and RBI have been very costly to my team and painful to me. Jones even named one of his sons Shea (it’s a good thing he didn’t hit well in Petco Park) because of his success there. The good news is that they are both aging and declining, with Jones on the DL quite a few times, but I still get very uneasy when they’re up to bat. My September would go a lot better if they (especially Burrell) strain some quad here or pull a pectoral muscle there…

-MissMet