Saturday, August 23, 2008

Mets Round-Up,


As we enter the last week of August (Huh? What the..., How the hell did that happen?), things are looking promising. Following another stellar performance by Senor Santana last night, the Mets were able to stay 2.5 games up on the Phillies for the NL East lead. The team is 10-1 in their last 11 games and have received help, not problems, from the bullpen. The boys take on the Astros again tonight with John Maine starting against Brandon Backe. It will be interesting to see how Maine does tonight, in his 3rd start after his stint on the DL. His outings have been great, if baseball games only lasted 5 innings. He hasn't allowed any runs and has only allowed 3 hits in his 10 innings back. However, his fastball look all that great in his last start against the Nats. It kinda wasn't...fast, but I suppose it is all part of his recovery from the shoulder injury that put him on the DL at the end of July. After his last start, he said that he will be able to pitch more innings next time. In other news...
  • Luis Ayala, who the Mets got from the Nats for Anderson Hernandez, has 1 save, has given up a hit and has not given up a run in 3 innings pitched for his new team. This trade has paid off so far in the absence of Billy Wagner, who will be out for at least three more weeks, with pain and swelling in his pitching elbow. Anderson Hernandez meanwhile, had a game winning hit for the Nats against the Phillies the other night, so thanks Anderson.
  • Brian Schneider seems to have found his stride and has hit 3 home runs since the 14th of August. He has also had 7 RBI since that day. His last home run was exactly three months earlier on May 14th (I was there).
  • Ryan Church was welcomed back into the starting line-up yesterday in right field with a standing ovation from the home crowd. Church hadn't played since July 5th, when he left the game with dizziness as a result of post-concussion syndrome that has plagued him for most of the season. Headaches and dizziness caused the Mets to shut him down for a few weeks before he was able to resume working out and playing. Hopefully, this is all behind him now.
  • The player formerly known as Carlos Del-gotta-go was 5 for 5 on Thursday night, with 3 of the Mets' 5 RBI. This afternoon, WFAN's Steve Sommers took a call about first base in 2009. Steve believed that the Mets should pick up Carlos' option for '09 and keep him at first base, with the hope that he will play his hardest, since he will be a free agent in 2010. He also mentioned that Mets fans are quickly forgetting about Delgado's awful April-June performance, but wonders if Willie Randolph was the sole reason for his poor play. Hopefully this isn't the case, and hopefully #21 will keep up the amazing work.
  • Over in left field, the tandem duo of Murphy and Evans is been working wonders. The two have been roommates since their time in Double-A Binghamton and are learning the corner outfield position together, since they came up as corner infielders. Daniel Murphy, a lefty who starts against righties, reached base in 18 of his first 19 games and is batting .380. Nick Evans, the righty who was up with the team once earlier in the season, has 9 doubles in 81 at bats.
  • According to Rob Neyer of ESPN, David Wright is a leading candidate for NL MVP because of his 99 RBI, but thinks that an MVP must hit over .300. Wright is hot right now and oh-so-close, with an average of .295, so I think he can get that number up by the end of the season.
  • At this point last season, the Mets were ahead in the NL East, but did not know that they had a monumental collapse ahead of them. It seems like they all know by now not to take anything for granted. Hopefully they will build on this lead and make it into October, but I'm not counting on anything just yet.
Keep your eyes open for my Favorite Olympic Moments (week 2). Also, if you can handle it after all of this Olympic madness, the US Open starts on Monday in Shea Stadium's backyard- you might think that the Billie Jean King National Tennis Center is actually the front yard, but you'd be mistaken- and I am obviously pumped. I'll talk about whether anyone has a chance to beat Rafa and about who the hell is going to be in the mix for the women.
~MissMet

Watching Olympic Diving this past week...

I was curious why this man was absent in all this? I guess he's still hurt from those evil Penguins skating near him and running him.






Douche.

Friday, August 22, 2008

I've discovered how to jumpstart the Yankees offense: well not really but......


Sign Carlos Zambrano in the off-season and make him the Yankees DH/Starting Pichter. He would play 4 games at DH and then be a starting pitcher every 5th game. This guy is freaking unreal. He has rbis in 7 straight starts; is there any Yankee that has an RBI in even 2 consecutive games? This, my friends, is why the Cubs are good and the Yankees are not; that and the Cubs have Soriano and the Yankees have A-rod, hey remember that trade?!! Oy. Oh, and the Big Z is hitting 361. No Yankee is even hitting 315. Sweeeet :(. Time to play Madden every second of every day until the superbowl champion Giants open up against my Uncle's Redskins.

Dear Hope Solo,

Please pose for Maxim or FHM so that I can post pictures of you in more (less?) than just your uniform. You're hot. Please act like it.

Yours in HD,

Devo.


In the meantime, here's some easy to find pics:





Too strong? Perhaps. But ya gotta respect a chick who loves video games...

And ya gotta respect a chick who can um, express herself physically to other females...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Owned of the week



Dude gets lit up.

Stay Classy, Cincy

What angers me about this? Simply the fact the Yankees are going to bring back Hideki Matsui next year and when I change Chris Henry's name to Hideki Matsui, I'm going to be considered unoriginal.

Well played Bengal fans.

Oh, and props to the artist formerly known as Barstool Sports for the photo.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Rejected Features of NHL 2009

As with all sports video games, each new edition has added features (read as updated rosters) that entice you to forsake your year old copy and buy a new one that is nearly the same. It works with Madden, NBA, NCAA and yes, even Hockey. And just like the other sports game the latest edition of NHL Hockey had a few features cut from it. Let’s take a look at what could have been.


The Douche Cup
Get to play as the biggest douchebags in the NHL with this mode, as the NHL All Douches take on the Philadelphia Flyers head to head. Play with such heralded lines as the Turtle Line of Jarkko Ruutu – Sean Avery – Matt Cooke or the dreaded Hit From Behind Line of Ryan Hollweg – Cristoph Schubert - Darcy Hordichuk. Even play with those who have won the Lifetime Douchebag Award in Hockey such as Jeremy Roenick and Chris Chelios.


Dan Cloutier Mode
Thinking the game wasn't hard enough by having the computer intercept all your passes, you're goalie not move to stop a puck and take away your ability to hit the net, designers wanted to make it near impossible to win by giving the player only Dan Cloutier in the net. By doing so, any shot from the blue line and beyond has a ninety percent chance of going in.



Realistic Coach Ranting
NHL coaches are just like any other coaches with their ranting and raving. By studying real coach behavior you can now see such things as coaches grabbing mascot paraphernalia and throwing it to the ice, accusing their defense of trying to be the worst in the league, or just scratch your head because you can’t understand his broken English.



Keith Tkachuk Mode
All your players have an additional twenty two pounds added and their stamina cut in half. Unfortunately the joke had run its course and it was scrapped.


Taunt Mode
Think shit talking is limited to just football? Wrong. Hockey players have quite the vile tongues too especially since they have guys hacking at them with sticks all night long. With this mode you would have been able to perform taunts with your friends at the other players to raise their aggravation level.



Massive Overspending on Free Agents
Tired of seeing the computer get all the best deals? With direct input from Glenn Sather and Toronto Maple Leafs management teams will now over spend millions on over the hill or unknown players that eats up valuable cap space for a realistic economic landscape.


Ridiculous Rumors
In between games read paper clipping from rumor mongers like Eklund, Larry Brooks, Al Strachan and others as they come up with absurd ideas on player movement that make you shake your head.



Chris Simon Mode
Every gamer loves violence in their games, and for some people the big hit button that sends your opponent twisting through the air just isn’t enough. And that’s where Chris Simon mode came in. Here you can commit random acts of violence such as two handed stick whacks to the face and stomping on people’s legs with your skate and in general causing serious harm. However, half way through its completion the designers realized they were just remaking Mutant League Hockey and stopped.

Two Can Play at This (Olympic) Game: My Top 5 Foreign Hotties

These are the Olympics. All of the athletes look good. Some look better than others. Here are my favorites.

5. Mark Foster















Did this British veteran and flag bearer make it to any event finals? Do we really care?

4.Antonio Rossi













Until the Olympics started last week, I hadn't even heard of Flatwater. Thanks to Signor Rossi, the Italian flag bearer, I wanted to know what it was.

3. Martins Plavins

This Latvian beach volleyballer (?) made a name for himself by beating the Americans with his partner. I like the sand on his arm. Actually, I really just like the arm.

2. Alexandre Despaite.













The Canadian diver (and new Silver Medalist) looks good while he smiles, but looks even better when he does some sort of twisting toe loop (or whatever).



1. Luca Marin

I don't think anyone would be surprised to learn that this Italian swimmer was the center of the love triangle that caused a bit of a ruckus over in Europe. French swimmer Laure Manaudou used to date him, but he's now dating her rival (in the pool and on land) Federica Pelligrini. Good choice girls, good choice.

Who did I miss? Are you upset that I left out the Americans? Do you agree with my choices? Let me know!
~MissMet

4 things I've learned while watching the US/Australia Olympic Quarterfinals




1. This US team is good; real good.
Ya think?

2. Time your breakfast carefully. I go and cook some eggs during halftime; after all, it's 845, and I'm hungry. I come back, 3 minutes into the half, and a 12 point halftime lead is now 21 points. Game, Team America.
3. I still hate Jason Kidd. But he's still freakin amazing. Oh, and he actually attempted AND hit a shot tonight. Good for him. Piece of shit.

4. Unemployment is pretty sweet. Tomorow? Wake up with the womens soccer gold medal game. Friday? Wake up with the mens basketball semis. Saturday? Stay up late with White Boy, the Mens Gold Medal Basketball game (2AM) and a booze-filled diary.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

SHMUCKS IS ALWAYS PERVING A DISH

Does anyone else have Olympic fever? I don't know what it is, nor can I explain it but I have been firmly ensconced (SAT word..snice) with the Olympics this year. By far; swimming, diving, gymnastics and volleyball have been my favorite events to watch and I bet most would agree with me. Watching Michael Phelps plow through the competition like R.Kelly at Middle School dances has been god damn patriotizing! I love badminton and ping pong too but NBC doesn't feel my passion and I've yet to witness one of these events on the tube. So now that the good events are all said and done with, to keep myself occupied I've created a top 5 list of female Olympians. Enjoy!


5. LERYN FRANCO






















Not only is she a model but she also throws the Javelin for Paraguay. Holy hot shit batman




4. MISTY MAY


























Volleyball bikinis are hot. Misty looks damn fine in all of them. And shes got some junk in the trunk, major wood. Oh yea, she even bent over for G.W. Bush to pat her on the ass after he made a good play while they practiced. Bush seemed to like the backhand technique, I prefer the palm. Giggidy



3. ALICIA SACRAMONE





























Of all the U.S. female gymnasts she's the only one who doesn't look 14 years old. She might not have any hips but god damn she's really cute. Too bad she blew it in the all around group event for the U.S.

2. ALLISON STOKKE































She looks like the girl next door I grew up with only she got really hot and I got hit with the ugly stick. She's not in the Olympics (yet) but I couldn't resist not including her on this list.

1. BIA & BRANCA FERES



















Obvioulsy these girls are 1, there are 2 of them! These Brazilian synchronized swimmers are twins and they are just flat out gorgeous. It sucks that the entire time they compete they will be underwater. If only they played beach volleyball. Well, at least I have thoquick hot showers to look forward too when they leave the pool. http://machochip.com/2008/08/bia-and-branca-feres-are-into.php



Monday, August 18, 2008

Most Noteworthy Move of the Isles Offseason

wasn't done by the team but one of the players:

What happens when Hilary Duff leaves the house wearing a ring on her wedding finger?

She ignites a flurry of speculation that she and her boyfriend of one year, pro-hockey player Mike Comrie, are engaged to be married.

Duff's camp is not confirming or denying that Comrie popped the question...

When asked if they're engaged, a rep for the singer-actress did not comment.

Duff was spotted wearing the mystery ring on Friday night when the two hit L.A.'s Il Sole restaurant for dinner.

If it's not an engagement ring, perhaps the bauble was an early birthday present from Comrie, who is an heir to Canada's The Brick furniture empire. Last year, Comrie, 27, reportedly gave Duff a $100,000 Mercedes to celebrate her 20th. She turns 21 on Sept. 28.


When did these two start going out anyway? I mean they've been dating for a year? Whose their PR agent? Luckily, we don't hear such talk when the Isles are on TV. They are 100% focused on hockey on the island. I mean sure they fired their coach but who cares? This story will get asses into those grade A quality seats at the Nassau County Coliseum. I'm just heart broken that cougar Deb Kaufman wouldn't keep me updated on such matters.















Maybe this will get people to start talking about the Isles again and maybe just maybe Mike Comrie can be that douche who takes the mantal from Sean Avery by dating hot, famous chicks. But honestly, Hillary Duff? Really? Eh I guess any news is good news for the Isles who are well on there for the John Tavares sweepstakes who is already being proclaimed as "The Next One." I thought that was Sidney??




Russia needs to calm the fuck down




In between Michael Phelps races over the past week, you might have heard that Russia invaded a small country to their south called Georgia on the first day of the Olympics. Its a baller move, Ill be the first to admit it, but they still haven't stopped after a week and a half of ass-kicking. Now, the Russians are trying a similar move on the hockey players of North America by having their hockey league illegally sign players already under contract with NHL teams. They are offering $1m bonuses to players that "defect". Not only are they signing players, they are holding a draft for next season that will include players in the NHL, divvying up American and Canadian hockey like Stalin did to Eastern Europe. I'm sorry, but if this isn't a new Cold War, I don't know what is. Frankly, I think that having Canada as part of the NHL is what emboldened the Russians here, they frankly just aren't that intimidating. We need to step up, appoint Donald Rumsfeld the new commissioner of the NHL and let him take care of business. Its the only thing that we can do as proud Americans.

Uh Oh...

Guess what's back on television tonight:



I know what you are thinking: Who gives a shit?

Right, I've heard that one before. I'll admit it half of SUS nation watches this but not many have the testicular fortitude to admit it. Consider me that guy and consider me excited for the next season of over-the-top, stupid crap that still teeters on the brink of entertaining.


Angry White Premium Cable TVologist (Why Weeds and Entourage both suck now.)


Weeds sucks now. The writing is still phenomenal, but the story line is unbelievable. Last week's story involved one more incident in which both Nancy and Celia should have been killed but survived because a comedy about the Mexican drug trade doesn't work without a MILF or two. The parallel between Weeds and Entourage is uncanny, at least to this amazingly unqualified Premium Cable TVologist. If nothing else, let us review the quality of each of the first four seasons of each show.

a) Season 1- Both shows were innovative and simply amazing. Every guy wanted to be Vinnie Chase, and bone Mary Louise-Parker, and vice versa for their female fanbase. Not only were both shows funny, they were extremely well done. Both had legitimate storylines that dealt with legitimate issues facing a movie star and his boys and a pot dealing mother struggling to feed her family. Was that last sn.

b) Season 2- Both shows reach their comedic peak. The story lines are not as crisp as season 1, but both shows, whether it's the Entourage Bar Mitzvah episode or Andy doing an Israeli chick, had some of the funniest moments in premium cable history. Oh, and the Weeds season finale is probably the greatest half hour in television history.

c) Season 3- Both of these season suck. Especially on Entourage, where nothing happens until the final two episodes. A trend starts to emerge where each episode consists of Vinny/Nancy not really doing much while the sidekicks Turtle & Drama/Andy & Kevin Nealon get into hilarious but irrelevant shenanigans. Some good episodes can be found, but the season is generally subpar until the final few episodes. And for Weeds, the final episode of the season should have been the ending of the show.

d) Season 4- The trend involving the main characters doing nothing and sidekicks doing nothing relevant is now a full on formula. The seasons begin oddly, with the fans (or at least me) wondering where the shows are going to go, but by the end, Nancy/Vinny are pissing me off so much that I'm rooting for them to die/get broke. Why am I rooting for this? Because in real life they would have died/declared bankruptcy 6 times over by now.

As Entourage enters its 5th year, let us remember that The Wire ended its run after its 5th season, even though it probably could have gone on for another 2-3 years. Let's hope Entourage learns from the greatest show of all time and is put out to pasture.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Rejected Features of Madden 2009















Everyone is more than excited about EA Sports' Madden '09. In a match made in heaven, Madden’s own Brett Favre will appear on the cover to showcase his throwback Packer jersey. Hopefully, they'll quickly photoshop his Jets jersey on it.

Some features for the game include:
  • Play like a pro no matter what your skill level with the Adaptive Difficulty Engine that tailors your experience to suit your proficiency
  • Hone your skills in the Virtual Training Center, featuring a holographic environment designed to help you fine-tune your game
  • Execute plays and celebrations like never before with the Total Control Animation System that delivers the most authentic gameplay ever in the series
  • Receive customized feedback from EA Sports BackTrack to learn from your mistakes as you play and correct them so you can achieve total dominance on the field
  • Access stats, customized tips and in-game options without pausing the game and losing your momentum by using the new Options OnDemand Picture-in-Picture
  • Battle it out on the gridiron with up to 32 teams in Online Leagues, complete with trades and statistical tracking
But with every new feature that made the cut, a lot of features did not.

Thankfully, we were able to obtain that list because we are big time members of the sports media. That being said, here are the list of features that just missed the cut and likely be auditioning for spots in the CFL or NFL Europe games.

1) JOHN MADDEN TELESTRATOR METER

Here John would randomly draw circles on the screen and talk for 10 minutes about Brett Favre or about the grass of whatever stadium he’s in. Sadly, due to a programming glitch, this feature won’t make the cut.













2) BRETT FAVRE RETIREMENT DRAMA MODE

Favre would toy with retiring and unretiring every off-season and than show up to training camp and than get traded. Favre would continue to do this until he is 50 because he still had that hunger.


3) PATRIOT DISRESPECT MODE

When you run up the score on the Patriots in the 3rd quarter, Tedy Bruschi’s head pops out of your TV screen and immediately ingests steroids and amasses nearly 487549034 “hits” in only one quarter of football. Somewhere ESPN is jerking off.








4) BENGAL ARREST MODE

In a shocking turn of events, the various members of the Bungles would be arrested in mid game. The game would even have the cops come on to the playing field and tackle the likes of Chris Henry, Odell Thurman, etc.
















5) PEYTON MANNING COMMERCIAL MODE

Sad to say this too was scraped. The idea was that whenever you were Peyton Manning you could actually act in whatever commercials you want. Hit X for redneck mode or hit B for awkward face mode. It’s all here baby! You could negotiate with 1000 various brands and than actually act out in the commercials and than play them on PeytonTV mode.


6) INJURY EXCUSE MODE
You know when an annoying fanbase cries about injuries or something, well the Madden development team had this solution. For years, people have been hitting the reset button to erase a bad injury. But if you have morals, you take that playoff loss and focus on the following season. In Madden 09, you can take away some sting from that defeat. If you're going into an AFC Championship game that you're sure to lose, activate the "Injury Excuse" feature. You can select which one of your players goes down, and combined with XBOX LIVE's or PS3's online message-board feature, you can gripe about it as your team gets served.


7) ROID BOY MODE

Much like Jaroid Allen and “Roidboy” Shawne Merriman, you too can be an overrated joke cheater and cheat your way to a sack title and than be lavished as a MONSTER despite missing 4 games and clearly still having roids in your system and get lavished to a new contract. Than the next season you can come back to earth with a measly 8-10 sack year but screw it you are still rich!






8) ONE-AND-DONE MODE

EA Sports wanted to bring the realism of the NFL right to your living room.
In Madden 09, the "One-and-Done" mode is past beta stages and ready for stores on August 12th!

Battle your way through a season with the Dallas Cowboys and lose in your first game!
After a couple years of first game exits, you can unlock the two-and-done feature or as we like to call it “Bill Cowhard” Mode.


9) NEW REALISTIC CROWD

New crowd dynamics create the most lifelike crowds.

Now with new accurate attendance numbers, play games at Dolphin Stadium and the Georgia Dome in front of an half-empty arena!

Playing games in Oakland? Watch as security escorts multiple Legion of Doom Shoulder pad Neanderthals out in handcuffs!

When the Patriots start losing again watch as the biggest Pat “diehards” all magically vanish!

10) CHOKE MODE

New Choke meter in games causes even the most hyped up superstars to perform at the very worst for when going gets tough. This was to be the biggest feature in Madden 09 but was scrapped when Madden wanted Favre on the cover. Sadly, we will wait until 2010 when Tony H. Romo and Carson “Game Clinching Turnover” Palmer would be the first ever dual cover athletes as new choke mode unveils!



10 days in Israel and the whole world goes to hell? (Part 1: The Sports Edition)


Some thoughts on the last two weeks or so of sports while trying to get rid of an obscene case of jetlag:

1.
To blatantly steal a style, didn't you used to be the New York Yankees? I have no idea where to begin with this team, and White Boy has covered most of it, but a few thoughts:

A) I don't care how bad Melky has looked at the plate; I don't want to see Brett Gardner playing every day for this team. Brett Gardner, at best, will be the next Dave Roberts. Someone needs to remind Girardi that Roberts sucks at life when he enters a game before the 7th inning. And Brett Gardner will too. That said, Gardner just hit an RBI triple that would've been a single for Giambi.

B) I'm not one for hyperbole, but A-Rod has a chance to become the least clutch player in the history of organized sport to win 2/3 of the triple crown. Coming into today's games, A-Rod is 6 homers behind Carlos Quentin for the AL lead and 14 points behind Baldzilla Pedroia for the AL batting crown. And yet, there's not a less clutch non-Molina hitter in the game. Bizarre. Even Captain Double Play has had more clutch hits this year.

C) Have fun elsewhere next year, Ian Kennedy. Just be happy that Cashman wasn't smart enough to make you endure those shitty Minnesota winters.

2. Brett Favre, New York Jet. Wow. I know this news is older than Dara Torres, but again, wow. A little background about myself; when it comes to the Jets and Mets, I root for them, but I can also laugh at them. Basically, I'm a big fan of these teams doing everything quirky and experimental in an effort to make their teams more watchable. All this is to say that short of signing a midget, this Brett Favre signing is the best I could hope for from the Jets.

3. Going in a complete opposite direction, is there anything weirder than Giants camp this year? Thanks to the Brett Favre show, the Defending Champs are suddenly second fiddle in this town. Weirder than that, I keep asking my dad and White Boy for Giant updates and they pretty much have nothing for me. Eerily quiet for a team that was notorious for having preseason controversy.

a) But I'll say this: what's the deal with our receivers? Plax had a few practices, and is now hurt again. And every time I look at the injury report, it says that Toomer, Smith, and Manningham sat out practice with injuries. With Tyree not leaving the PUP list anytime soon, the Giants starting receivers are starting to look like Sinorice Moss and Michael Jennings. Awesome. It sure smells like a repeat in here.