Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Rejected Features of NHL 2009

As with all sports video games, each new edition has added features (read as updated rosters) that entice you to forsake your year old copy and buy a new one that is nearly the same. It works with Madden, NBA, NCAA and yes, even Hockey. And just like the other sports game the latest edition of NHL Hockey had a few features cut from it. Let’s take a look at what could have been.

The Douche Cup
Get to play as the biggest douchebags in the NHL with this mode, as the NHL All Douches take on the Philadelphia Flyers head to head. Play with such heralded lines as the Turtle Line of Jarkko Ruutu – Sean Avery – Matt Cooke or the dreaded Hit From Behind Line of Ryan Hollweg – Cristoph Schubert - Darcy Hordichuk. Even play with those who have won the Lifetime Douchebag Award in Hockey such as Jeremy Roenick and Chris Chelios.

Dan Cloutier Mode
Thinking the game wasn't hard enough by having the computer intercept all your passes, you're goalie not move to stop a puck and take away your ability to hit the net, designers wanted to make it near impossible to win by giving the player only Dan Cloutier in the net. By doing so, any shot from the blue line and beyond has a ninety percent chance of going in.

Realistic Coach Ranting
NHL coaches are just like any other coaches with their ranting and raving. By studying real coach behavior you can now see such things as coaches grabbing mascot paraphernalia and throwing it to the ice, accusing their defense of trying to be the worst in the league, or just scratch your head because you can’t understand his broken English.

Keith Tkachuk Mode
All your players have an additional twenty two pounds added and their stamina cut in half. Unfortunately the joke had run its course and it was scrapped.

Taunt Mode
Think shit talking is limited to just football? Wrong. Hockey players have quite the vile tongues too especially since they have guys hacking at them with sticks all night long. With this mode you would have been able to perform taunts with your friends at the other players to raise their aggravation level.

Massive Overspending on Free Agents
Tired of seeing the computer get all the best deals? With direct input from Glenn Sather and Toronto Maple Leafs management teams will now over spend millions on over the hill or unknown players that eats up valuable cap space for a realistic economic landscape.

Ridiculous Rumors
In between games read paper clipping from rumor mongers like Eklund, Larry Brooks, Al Strachan and others as they come up with absurd ideas on player movement that make you shake your head.

Chris Simon Mode
Every gamer loves violence in their games, and for some people the big hit button that sends your opponent twisting through the air just isn’t enough. And that’s where Chris Simon mode came in. Here you can commit random acts of violence such as two handed stick whacks to the face and stomping on people’s legs with your skate and in general causing serious harm. However, half way through its completion the designers realized they were just remaking Mutant League Hockey and stopped.


Mahatma said...

They really need to remake mutant league hockey already.

devo said...

When I was younger and played Madden, we always had a rule that you couldn't do a game of Giants vs. Giants, even though we were all Giants fans and wanted to run with Gary Brown and pass to Chris Calloway.

All this is to say that should you be allowed to play flyers/douchebags? Isn't that just like playing yourself?

devo said...

Oh, and it's about high time that we make a rule that other than Ryan Whitney, no trashing BU alum on this site. Even if Tkachuk was half the person in college that he is now.

Mahatma said...

i would do that devo except I get to see Jay Pandoucho make a living scoring goals against my hockey team so no.

The Yinzer said...

Well in order to have a cup you need two full teams of douches. As the Flyers are all douches, by having them as one team means you can make the other roster from the 29 other teams in the league.

And I must concur with Mahatma, I do not think there should be exceptions.