Saturday, January 10, 2009


Tennessee Titans (-3) vs. Baltimore Ravens

I wish the Jets defense could be as good as either of these two teams. Titans and Ravens played against each other back in October and Tennessee barely pulled away with the win. In fact it was a bullshit late hit penalty called on the Ravens that was the deciding factor. The Titans have something to prove. They are the #1 seed and aren't getting the respect they feel they deserve.

I like the Titans at home, even if it is with Kerry Collins at quarterback. I'd much rather have he than rookie Joe Flacco. But this game will be all defense. Titans aren't as healthy as the Ravens but still I think Haynesworth and Vandenbosch will do everything in their power to suit up for this game.
Titans 16, Ravens 10

Carolina Panthers (-10) vs. Arizona Cardinals

Carolina - PRO's and CON's

- Homefield advantage (8-0 during the season)

- Best running game in the NFC next to the Giants

- Defense can't stop the run.

- The secondary has given up big plays to just about all wide receivers

- Jake Delhomme goes down, season is over

Arizona - PRO's and CON's

- Definitley the best wide receiver tandem in the NFL with Fitzgerald and Boldin

- Kurt Warner has played like an MVP

- Coming off a big win against Atlanta where they contained Michael Turner all game

- Anquan Boldin is hurt and may not dress

- Antrel Rolle will have a hard time covering Steve Smith

- Their defense can't stop the Panthers rushing attack

To sum it up I like the Panthers to win at home. This game will have lots of offense but it will be closer than some people will think. If you're a betting man like I am not I would never pick against a double digit spread, unless it's Tom Brady and the massholes.

Panthers 37, Arizona 31


This will be my favorite game to watch this weekend. I don't think I need to evaulate this game anymore than WhiteBoy and Devo already have. I like the Giants at home with a healthy Brandon Jacobs leading the running game. Weather is going to be messy and ball security will be a huge concern for both teams.

Giants 23, Eagles 16


There aren't many things hotter than a hot chick hunched over with a football in her hands. But I like my women like I like my milk, white. I'll take pale white over dark and tan anyday.

Steelers 27, Chargers 13

Friday, January 9, 2009

Mahatma tells you why San Diego's shit smells like roses

San Diego Chargers (+6) @ Pittsburgh Steelers

ESPN is hopping aboard the Charger bandwagon and for good reason. After you beat the ESPN boy toy, you are the new boy toy. So say hello to Philip Rivers and Darren Sproles, Steven Cooper and the rest of the Powder Blue fudge packers! Still Steeler nation is convinced this should be a win. It should be really but how Yinzer nation has the faith in a win is nonsense. BH being a true optimist, positive paula, half full type guy will tell you why they’ll win. Me, I’m cut from a different cloth. By all means I should be confident about a win but I’m not. I have little to no faith in the Steelers and the following list is the reasons why the Chargers will win on Sunday.


Steelers have the worst offensive coordinator in the game, Bruce Arians. He uses a lot of different formations but runs THE SAME plays in these formations. It’s to the point that me, BH, Brooklyn Yinzer and Iowa can determine the exact play. Now imagine what people who’ve seen the game films 100000 times can do. It’s one thing if you show something different in said formations but no, he doesn’t. it’s the lame brain predictable play calling that gets this team in trouble. He also lacks a feel of the game. Run working fine but hey let’s go 5 wide on 3rd and 1. Opponent can’t cover Heath Miller, fine let’s not call any routes with him as the primary receiver. Using running backs in space is out of the question for Bruce. No huddle always works with this team because the offensive coordinator isn’t calling the plays. Nothing can be taken for granted when Bruce Arians is running an offense in the playoffs. Arians also forgets to use the Steeler’s version of Darren Sproles, Mewelde Moore. Moore was/is the offensive MVP of the season and has proved to be a dangerous weapon out of the backfield. Now with Willie Parker, it’s almost as though Moore is unable to fine. Look Parker should start but it’s obvious that Moore makes things happen for the offense in both run and pass. Why he isn’t allowed to see the field more especially when the offense is more in sync with him?

Worst offensive line in the playoffs and it’s not even close. Willie Colon is the worst tackle in the league armed with slow feet, short arms, poor balance and horrendous leverage technique oh and he’s also a fat fucking goon. Good for a weekly hold and false start, The Colon is unanimous drive killer of the 2008 season. Equally terrible in both run and pass, Colon is usually the guy on the ground helping up Ben Roethlisberger who is also on the ground. For being supposedly nasty and physical, the Colon plays exactly like bowel excrement. Any other team he’d be a 2nd string guard but not here. The starting guards are Rutgers alum, Darnell Stapelton, who is showing everyone what an undrafted guard from Rutgers looks and plays like and Chris Kemoeatu who is a monster when the assignment is simple but a complete idiot otherwise. How this man is a functional member of society, I’ll never know. How he graduated college is yet another mystery the likes of which CSI can’t decipher. Anyway, as opposed to simple man on man blocking, the Steelers use a zone blocking system but when you have an idiot like Kemo trying to decide who to block is like looking at Tarvarius Jackson trying to read a defense. It's shocking how one time he can pancake Shaun Rogers and the next whiff on someone worthless. The best members of the line are Center, Justin Hartwig who was cut last year by Carolina (awesome) and Max Starks at LT who couldn’t even beat out the Colon at RT during training camp. I have no faith in these no talent ass clowns helping out a potentially top 10 offense. Steelers can’t run the ball worth a lick with said O-line and they can’t passblock without our QB getting hit every 3 attempts. I love those odds.

Concussion Ben. Last time Ben came back from a concussion: 5 sacks, 4ints and 2 Taints, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Steelers run a similar offense to the Colts and that was shutdown outside of a fluke TD pass last week. What makes you think the Steelers offense is going to put up points running the Colts offense with less talented players?

The Steelers defense can’t score every week. Seriously, they’ve set this offense up all season.

The Steelers defense hasn’t had a truly bad game all season. Every defense has a bad game at least once right?

Chargers are hot. They just beat two rivals two weeks in a row in must win games. Steelers haven’t played a must win game since maybe Baltimore and they still weren’t facing elimination by any stretch.

Mike Tomlin is a good coach so far but I’m not confident in him yet. Moreover, they had home field advantage last year too but made David “Kordell” Garrard look like he’s worth 60 million. What can he do to Rivers? 500 million? Thankfully Rivers can’t scramble.

Only the Steelers could rack 400+ yards of offense and only score 11 pts with no touchdowns. This was without Roethlisberger turning it over either and throwing for 300 yards and Parker having 100 yards rushing. You think they could duplicate that again? I don’t.

Phillip Rivers has been great this year and apparently he doesn’t swear and he’s religious and if Tim Tebow has shown us anything, it’s those doing the lord’s work always beat the motorcycle riding heathens. Not to mention, Rivers is as efficient as they come while Roethlisberger is the new Favre.

The Steelers run defense is slipping. Casey Hampton has ate himself into last yr and the team is getting gashed on the same delays and draws. What’s the similarities of these guys? They are all (outside of Lewis) cut back runners and quick, elusive runners and Sproles might be the best of the bunch in that regard.

Faulk (NE) 6 rush, 73 yards

Morris (NE) 10 rush, 45 yards

Choice (Dal) 23 rush, 88 yards

C. Johnson (Tenn) 16 rush, 69 yards

J. Lewis (Cleve) 23 rush, 94 yards

The Steelers also have the slowest MLBs in the league and against Sproles in space scares me. In fact, that’s how San Diego got most of the yardage in the last game.

All the NFL award winners (Peyton Manning, Mike Smith, Matt Ryan, Pennington etc.) were all ONE and DONE in the playoffs. What say you James Harrison?

Just remember that SD already flew across the country and played the Steelers in the cold, in the snow, about 7 weeks ago AND barely lost, 11-10.

Has the Steelers luck run out? How they win games by the skin of their team is annoying.

The theme for this season is the revenge tour.
The Chargers are undergoing that right now and since the NFL is booked well they’ll win!

The Steeler chick in BH’s article labeled Offense. Seriously a black eye on Steeler fans everywhere. Look I’m no Denzel Washington either but seriously, you don’t know how hard it is to burn that girl out of my memory.

Because the genius, Seth Wickersham says so.

Actually, I’m changing my pick now. Fuck this guy. Sham being in his name is quite apropos. No one shits on my team but me.


Pittsburgh – 31

San Diego – 13

Baltimore Ravens (+3) OVER Tennessee Titans

The song I Don't Need the Whiskey Anymore, about a man who trades his alcohol addiction for an addiction to a woman, contains his favorite line that he's written: "I still get intoxicated but my head ain't quite as sore." -- Kerry Collins

What a pussy. Some of us have their addiction to a woman AND alcohol at the same time. Seriously though, I’ve said Tennessee is one and done all year and I’m sticking to it.


Baltimore – 14

Tennessee – 10

Arizona Cardinals (+10) OVER Carolina Panthers

So who gets stuck previewing this game? This douchebag. Awesome. This is probably the least sexiest matchup of the divisional round for obvious reasons. The Cardinals apparently have a pulse again this week after beating the Falcons. Again though this team is much different on the road than at home. At home they picked up rookie Matt Ryan’s snap count and jumped every snap and stuffed both run and pass. When that happens, you are more or less screwd. Also Arizona seems to have an exceptionally loud stadium. Perhaps they are using some piping? Conspiracy theory aside, I like the Panthers as a team. Their D is solid and the corners can matchup with Fitz, hobbled Anquan and Steve Breaston. Moreover, the Panthers have a way better defense overall than Arizona who needed a coverage breakdown and a flea flicker to beat Atlanta anyway. Arizona will not be able to run on the Panthers as Damione Lewis and Ma’ake Kemoeatu are returning to the lineup. Kemo is the run stuffer and the reason why the Big Blue ran up 300+ yards rushing 3 weeks ago.

Arizona defensively took out a good offense last week again at home when they jump the snap counts. That won’t happen this week. Without the running head starts, Cardinals have to react as opposed to dictate. The Panthers have a nasty O-Line lead by the tackles Jeff Otah and Jordan Gross. Both are mean men with bad intentions and I don’t think the wave of Cardinal defenders has the cajones to battle them. Cardinals’ pass defense has no answer for Steve Smith. Double team him Cheezen and try to have 8 in the box as well. That’s tough with Mohammed, a healthy DJ Hackett still there left to defend. There is no guaranteeing doubling Smith or playing a 4-4 can stop the Panthers. Regardless, I see, Cardinals gearing up to try to stop the run. Delhomme can hit one big play on them and then end that quickly.

10 points in my book is too much for me in the playoffs although Carolina will take this one comfortably.


Carolina – 28

Arizona – 20

New York Giants (-4) OVER Philadelphia Eagles

Philly is too bipolar for their own good. Giants win the rubber match.

NY Giants - 21

Philadelphia Eagles – 9

The Brooklyn Hillbilly Tells You Why San Diego Ain't Shit

The Ferocious Beast That Guards Heinz Field's Endzones

San Diego at Pittsburgh(-6)
Sure, go ahead and say it. The Steelers have no shot at defeating the 9-8 San Diego juggernaut. I mean, how does a team ranked #1 in defense beat the 20th ranked rushing team in the league? It just can’t happen!

Definitely not cursing.

Well I disagree. I know, I’m going out on a huge limb here, but I think San Diego's sauce is weak. Darren Sproles is great, but are you telling me he’s going to outrun James Harrison, James Farrior AND Troy Polamalu? I don’t think so. This run D is as stingy as they come, which is bad news for Philly Rivers because the pass D is even better. It really is the first time in my life that I have real faith in the defensive secondary. In the past, I cringed when the ball was in the air, now I halfway expect an interception on every play. Overconfidence? Very likely. But these guys ruin QB ratings like Kevin Costner ruins movies. Which is why I was stunned to see Bucky Brooks of say this in giving the edge to the Chargers in the defensive secondary:

"Defensive Backs: Chargers Although the Chargers ranked 31st in pass defense during the regular season, Antonio Cromartie and Quentin Jammer are regarded as two of the top corners in the AFC." [note: neither recieved any All-Pro votes OR made the Pro Bowl]

Ok, now I know I don’t get paid to write about sports(Devo?...), so maybe I’m a bit naive to think that when I see that your team is ranked next to last in pass D, your pass D isn’t very good. It takes astounding leaps of logic to somehow think the San Diego secondary(ranked #31) is better than the Pittsburgh secondary(#1). Hey Bucky, you know who is regarded as a great quarterback? Brett Favre. Doesn’t mean he’s that good anymore. I know I’m dangerously close to "we get no respect" territory here, but I just don’t think Rivers is going to find many open spots to throw, especially from his back with Lamar Woodley standing over him.
Even OJ wouldn't fuck with this defense.

The weather is likely to be cold, not Ice Bowl cold, but a 23 degree wind chill will keep Antonio Gates' ankle from loosening up and small guys like Sproles will be fighting to stay warm all day. Pittsburgh is well rested, injury free for the first time all season and will be ready to play. There will be no "we forgot how to tackle" moments from the Steelers, as Coach Tomlin had them working on fundamentals throughout the bye week. I just don’t see a let down in intensity coming from this defense.

There’s a lot of talk about the condition of the turf at Heinz Field. Some say it hurts the Steelers fast D to play in soggy and muddy conditions. But I take James Harrison's word for it, "I like playing on grass, mud, anything that slows down an offense." And facing a speedster like Darren Sproles, the mud will be an ally of the Steelers this Sunday. Sproles quick cuts and top-line speed will cause a few falls and possibly an injury.

Will the Payoffs from Week 11 Carry Over to the Playoffs? We Will Find Out Sunday

Another thing people say to look at is the last time the two teams played, in Week 11, an 11-10 win for the Steelers. Sounds like a close game, but not really. The Steelers outgained the Chargers 410-218 with Big Ben going 31-41 for 308yds. Not to mention one of the most lopsided officiating performances in history, a 2/5-13/115 edge in penalties called against the Steelers. To be fair, the Chargers looked good in that game. But good isn’t enough to beat one of the best defenses of the last decade. That win was one of the closest of the season for the Steelers, but the Chargers had 3 one-point games and were 1-2 in them. In games decided by 7 or fewer points, they were 3-7(inc. last week). The Steelers were 6-2 in similar games. Close games in the playoffs require a tough D to win. The Steelers have the best, San Diego one of the worst. It’s as simple as that.

The Steelers Offense
The Steelers Defense

I know I haven’t talked much about Pittsburgh’s offense, but they need only be adequate here, the real battle is when San Diego has the ball. That’s a battle the Steelers will win convincingly, 24-10.

PS- Im not a superstitious guy(umm...) but having the Sports Guy pick SD to win and SI putting them on the cover makes me feel confident the Steelers will shit on them.

As for the other, non-important, non-Steeler related games, these WILL BE the scores:
Baltimore 27 - 24 Tennessee
Philadelphia 14 - 31 New York
Arizona 21 - 27 Carolina

Why the Giants won't win

(1) No one can stop Brian Westbrook- I am still traumitized by the 4th quarter 3rd and 11 touchdown pass to Westbrook which put the game away. I don't see that changing much honestly. Westbrook is too fast for our back 7. He will dominate this game and lead the Eagles to victory.

(2) The Eagles secondary is wayyyyyy better than the Giant's receiving corps- Plaxico Burress is not walking through that door, and if he did he'd probably have an ankle bracelet, which would really cut down on his breakaway speed. Hixon, won't get open against Ashanti Samuel and Toomer won't get open against Sheldon Brown either. Eli won't have much of a chance to find any open receivers to throw to.

(3) Antonio Pierce's head is still not in the game- Until he shows me that he starts playing like the pre shooting incident Pierce, I will assume he will have 2-3 mental guffaws a game. That was 2 too many in the regular season matchup and it will be 2 too many this Sunday as well. With a team as well coached and mistake free as this Eagles team is, you can't afford to miss assignments when you are the QB of the defense.

(4) In a field position game you can't have short kickoffs- With cold and/or inclement weather expected on Sunday, you can't afford to allow the other team to start possesions at the 40 yard line. This will create a huge field position advantage for the opposing team in a likely low scoring game. Carney is a great field goal kicker but he needs to be spelled on kickoffs by Tynes in order to allow the Giants defense some breathing room. Since I don't expect Coughlin to activate Tynes, I don't expect the Giants to win the criticial field position battle.

(5) I'm suffering from Eagle's phobia- Yea, the first 4 reasons notwithstanding, I just get freaked out by the Eagles and always have. I thought I was cured of Eagles phobia after last year's seaosn sweep but that week 13 game ruined all that. So yea Devo, you are wrong!!

Pick: Eagles, 27-16

Other Games

Baltimore 23-Teneseee 13
Carolina 35- Arizona 24
Pittsburgh 23 San Diego 14

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Why The Giants should not fear the reap-er, Eagles

1. Rest.
The Giants needed to get healthy. Actually, that's a dumb thing to say. This time of year, every team needs to get healthy. But the Giants DID get healthy. More so than the Eagles. The bye week gave key players like Jacobs, Boss, Ross, and Robbins a chance to heal up as much as anyone can this time of year. Other than our top pass rusher (Osi) and our top receiver (he of the self inflicted flesh wound) this team is basically healthy for the stretch run. In related news, Brian Westbrook didn't practice this week.

2. The Eagles aren't that good. Let's say that Oakland loses to Tampa Bay during the final week of the season. You know where that puts the Eagles? The team that would have gotten in to the playoffs but for a loss to the lowly Redskins. The Redskins had two wins in the final 8 games of the season. One of them was to the Seahawks. The other was vs. the Eagles. Oh, and the Eagles scored 3 points that game. All of this is to say that the Eagles are amazingly streaky, up one week, down the next. And in case anyone has missed it, the Eagles have been up the last two weeks...

3. The Giants are that good. And no one's saying it. The Patriots invented the "no respect" card, but it's now the Giants' turn to use it. (Props to White Boy, last year for saying "I don't mind the Patriots going undefeated; they're that good, and everyone knows it. I just don't want to hear them say 'no one thought we could do it.'") Everyone and their mother is saying that this is going to be the closest game of the weekend or the game most likely headed for an upset. That's quite a slap in the face to a defending Super Bowl Champion with home field throughout the playoffs playing a 6 seed, no? And the pundits may be right about the close game, but you have to think that the Giants are noticing this and using it for motivation. Then again, if the fact that it's a playoff game against a team that torched you isn't enough to motivate you, maybe it's time to take it easy and sit out a few plays.

4. Antonio Pierce has learned to play with an indictment hanging over his head. So the Giants have that going for them, which is nice.

5. This isn't your Jim Fassel Giants. Death, taxes, and a flat Giants team during the first week after the bye week. That's what the Giants were guaranteed from 1997-2003. But Tommy Coughlin Giant teams don't come out flat after the bye. Well ok, they did last year, but that was Dallas. And they may have come out flat in years past, who knows. But this year? Giants 44, Seattle 6. So yeah, I'll trust Tommy C. with an extra week. He aint Jim Fassel, and more importantly, he ain't Wade Phillips.

6. Usually, these games are lopsided. I don't have time to research or anything like that, but there's always at least 2-3 games during the divisional playoff weekend that have an obscene score, something like 38-3. That will happen when a wildcard team that is lucky to get into the playoffs has to go and play one of the top 2 teams in the league which is real rested.

The Pick:Giants. And it won't be close. 27-7 Giants.

Other picks:
Baltimore (+3) over TENNESSEE 16-13
CAROLINA (-10) over Arizona 31-14
PITTSBURGH (-6) over San Diego 20-13

I'll take awesome Jeopardy questions for $200, Alex

Sure there's football this weekend, but...

it's January, and that means only one non-football thing...The 48th Annual Straight Up Sports Golden Globes Preview! For those of you who are testosterone-challenged and are sick of football overload, here’s your trusty alternative. As always, it’s being brought to you by self appointed Straight Up Sports Movie Experts, Devo and MissMet, as they give their two cents on this year’s finest films.

Best Actor Drama:

Nominees: Leo DiCaprio, Revolutionary Road, Frank Langella Frost/Nixon, Sean Penn Milk, Brad Pitt, Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Devo: A solid field to work with in this category. I’ve only seen Frost/Nixon, and as good as Langella was, Michael Sheen was better. But apparently Rourke was mesmerizing playing a washed up wrestler. Everything I’ve read about Rourke, he seems like a scary guy, and if it’s a Golden Globe he wants, then a Golden Globe he gets.

MissMet: It has been a slow movie year for me, but I still have heard and read about all of these. I’m going with Brad Pitt.

Best Actress Drama:


Anne Hathaway Rachel Getting Married, Angelina Jolie Changeling, Meryl Streep Doubt, Kristin Scott Thomas I’ve Loved You So Long, Kate Winslet Revolutionary Road

Devo: This is my weak category. 5 movies, I’ve heard of 4, I plan on seeing 3, and I’ve actually seen one. As someone who is unhappily living in Suburbia, I’m rooting for Winslet, whose character apparently shares my pain.

MissMet: As much as voters love them some Meryl, I think this is finally Kate’s year to win. She might even get an Osc…oh, wait, we’re not talking about them yet.

Best Actor Comedy:

Nominees: Javier Bardem Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Colin Farrell In Bruges, James Franco Pineapple Express, Brendan Gleeson In Bruges, Dustin Hoffman Last Chance Harvey

Devo: Bardem gets thrown out because he’s only so great without his No Country weapon. Farrell gets thrown out because he’s Colin Farrell and Gleeson gets thrown out for being in a movie with Colin Farrell. I don’t care who wins this, but Paul Rudd should win; not so much for Role Models as much as a celebration of the man’s entire catalogue.

MissMet: The Golden Globes can’t get enough of Dustin Hoffman. So he’s my pick for this category, though it would be great if James Franco pulled a Sasha Baron-Cohen-like upset when he won for Borat.

Best Actress Comedy

Nominees: Rebecca Hall Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Sally Hawkins Happy-Go-Lucky, Frances McDormand Burn After Reading, Meryl Streep Mamma Mia, Emma Thompson Last Chance Harvey

Devo: Heard of 4 of em, want to see one of ‘em. Saw one of ‘em. And Burn was decent, nothing more. Don’t know who wins, don’t care.

MissMet: Remember how much I love British film? You don’t? Oh well, Sally Hawkins for the win!

Best Picture Comedy

Nominees: Burn After Reading, Happy-Go-Lucky, In Bruges, Mamma Mia, Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Devo: So seriously, were there only 5 comedies released this year? See my best actress comments: don’t know, don’t care.

MissMet: Um, if Mamma Mia wins, there are some SERIOUS issues here. Burn After Reading I guess.

Best Picture Drama

Nominees: Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, The Reader, Revolutionary Road, Slumdog Millionaire

Devo: Again, I’ve technically seen all of one of these. Each year there’s one movie that I wage jihad against in the hopes that it won’t win anything. Last year this movie was Atonement. This year? Benjamin Button. Loved Frost/Nixon, will probably love Road for reasons discussed above, but Slumdog probably will/should win. And I’m okay with that. Would a nomination for Dark Knight have killed these people?

MissMet: Slumdog Millionaire please! Though I wouldn’t be surprised if Benjamin wins. I would have to agree with Devo about the Dark Knight and why not throw some Iron Man into the mix?? It doesn’t reallllly matter all that much though, because everyone knows the Golden Globes are the Oscar/Emmy’s red headed stepchild.

Check out our postmortem on the TV winners when I actually have some insight!

Yes, there's a National Title Game on tonight, but...

people I have spoken to are either
a) watching the continuation of the epic Pens/Preds rivalry
b) watching the continuation of the equally epic Devils/Preds rivalry
c) watching a repeat of the Office at 9. (which in case anyone hasn't noticed, is adequate, at best.)
d) watching a new 30 Rock at 930.
e) going bowling
f) making buffalo wings and eating them while NOT watching the UF/OU game.
g) meeting up with their favorite client #9 (pictured above)
Me? I'm doing b, and d. Don't get me wrong, I'll probably tune in to watch eventually, but only at halftime. And even then, probably only to see if either marching band can outdo previous collegiate marching bands who have done a Queen medley or a Led Zep medley. I'm expecting some band to do a 'really goddamn long song' medley of Freebird/Won't Get Fooled Again, if only because these marching bands can get away with that during the 30 minutes each band is alotted.

All of this is to say the obvious: the NCAA has to get their shit together. Forget about ending the BCS, that goes without saying. They need to play the game within the first 3-4 days of the year, when I still care about college football.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Why you Don't Want Bill Cowher as Your Coach

With the NFL regular season over, coaches have been getting the ax, and as always rumors begin to fly of who the new coach will be. To no surprise, Bill Cowher’s name was popping up in coaching rumors. And while he has stated he will not return to coaching this year, rumors are already starting for maybe next year. But worrisome to me is that I see people actually want to hire this man with the belief he is a good coach. Because I’m a nice guy, I’m going to tell you this: Bill Cowher is not a good coach.

You can say “but he had 13 good years with the Steelers! He won a Super Bowl!”

First of all, the Rooney’s run everything. Not a whole hell of a lot has changed under Tomlin from Cowher. I‘m a Tomlin fan, and I realize that takes away from how good I think he is, so don't go thinking I’m holding a double standard here.

The Rooney’s have the final say on anything, and while they may not call down to the field with plays like Ebenezer Scrooge a.k.a. Al Davis, I guarantee you they want things done a certain way, such as drafting, and basic game plans. Did you ever wonder why “Steeler Football” has stayed the same for decades, and they keep going for the same types of players? Because the same people are calling the shots. And when Cowher does have free reign on matters, it all goes to shit.

And as for the Super Bowl, while the run to get their was good, Bill Cowher did his best to choke away his second attempt at the championship, only to be out-choked by Mike “Stay Puft” Holmgren. Mike, it wasn’t the refs that cost you, it was the missed field goals and dropped key passes. Of course, you were just venting your frustration that when you bit into the zebras on the field they weren’t the zebra cakes like you thought.

Now, on to the more specific points of why you don't want Bill Cowher as your coach.

Run, Run, Pass.
If he’s your coach, get used to this because it’s going to be 90% of your offensive series. And no, that is not an exaggeration. Cowher loves to run the ball, preferably with a fat back. Run twice to set up a pass on third down. And speaking of third down, if it’s third and ten, well, let’s just say I hope you’re a fan of three yard screen passes. It doesn’t matter if you have a great QB, or an o-line that is horrid blocking for the half back, he’s going to run it. Belichick didn’t even need to tape the Steelers to know their offensive game plan under Cowher.

The Nicknames are Meaningful
Us Steeler fans that don't have our heads stuck up our asses have two useful nicknames for Cowher. Cowhard, and FGB- Field Goal Bill. Both pertain to the same thing: he is utterly gutless in his play calling. He always takes the points. Always. Down two touchdowns with less than two minutes to go? Yep, it’s field goal time! Fourth and one from the five? Field goal! Get used to playing it safe, or gutless.

Quarterbacks Don't Win Games
Why do you think the Steelers had the likes of Kordell Stewart, Kent Graham and Tommy Maddux for so many years? Well, other than the off field affair with Kordell, it’s because FGB doesn’t think you need a QB to succeed. And while some consider one championship in thirteen years with constantly loaded teams as success, most don't. What’s that you’re saying? “But FGB realized his mistake and drafted Big Ben!” Wrong! The call to draft Ben came directly from Dan Rooney; FGB wanted an offensive lineman. Who that lineman was supposed to protect I don't know, but he wanted him. Otherwise, Tommy Gun would still be in the backfield and the Steelers wouldn’t have a Super Bowl.

The Prevent
Billy Boy is also a big fan of the prevent defense, named so because it prevents you from winning. If the team is looking to march down field in order to tie or win at the end of the game expect to lose because they are going to run right over your defense no matter how good it is. Remember how I said earlier of the things he did have control over he screwed up? Well I haven’t seen a hint of the prevent since Tomlin came in and amazingly the Steelers have stopped horribly choking at the end of every close game.

“Special Teams Guru”
The Chin is supposed to be great at special teams, and it showed as he finished near the bottom in special teams nearly every year of his tenure. One player after Cowher’s departure said he didn’t like how Tomlin ran special teams, preferring how Bill Cowher told them just to run down the field and tackle the guy. I want you to think about that for a minute: the player liked Cowher’s tactic more because he told them to just run down and tackle the guy. Christ, I’ve seen a five year old use more strategy playing Risk. Since Tomlin’s arrival the Steelers special team’s has improved significantly because, guess what, he’s got a plan!

“Let’s Go!”
Cowher, known for his ability to launch saliva into the eyes of his prey and blind them like a cobra, has been nicknamed “The Spitter”, (or if you prefer the scientific name, Cowhardis Playoff-Chokertus), is well known for his motivational techniques. And while the spitting into your face is the most publicized tactic, along with sticking out his massive chin, his most used is actually yelling his battle cry “let’s go!” over and over again. Starting kickoff- “Let’s Go!” Offensive possession- “Let’s Go!” Just surrendered a touchdown- “Let’s Go!” Choked in the AFC championship for the fourth time in your career- “Let’s Go!” In fact, about the only other thing he says is “I don’t know”, but that is only during press conferences when he can’t explain how he choked the game away once again. Below, he can be seen displaying this typical behavior:

If he Doesn’t like his Situation, he’ll quit on you
Just like he did his final year with the Steelers. He wasn’t getting a big contract extension he wanted, so he decided to not even try. I mean how can you quit on your team after just winning the Super Bowl? And if you know you’re done, don’t stick around for another year and screw the team. Tell me, what kind of coach or player throws in the towel, before the season even started, because he doesn’t get his way? A bad one. Isn’t this kind of selfish, egotistical crap we chastise the likes of TO and Chad Ocho Doucho for?

So to sum things up, if Bill Cowher becomes your next coach, these are the things you can expect to happen:
Running the ball twice then passing
Lots of field goals
Shitty QB’s
The prevent defense
Total collapse of special teams
Constantly hearing “Let’s Go!”
He’ll quit on you

Oh, and you’ll lose just about every conference championship game in a spectacular choking fashion. Here you can see a typical picture of Cowher the day after a conference championship:

Angry White Scarface Viewer

Look, I'm sure there are bigger inaccuracies with Scarface, but as someone who isn't a chainsaw expert, I'll stick with what I know. What's the deal with Robert Loggia aka Frank Lopez? I'm 95% sure he has a Jewish star around his neck, and yet he talks with a Cuban accent. Can Frank Lopez be a Cuban Jew? Possibly, but let's assume that Oliver Stone didn't have a Cuban Jew in mind when he penned this tsunami of a flick. What do I think happened you ask? No, we never said that. Can we leave now? Well, I'm glad you asked. I think Loggia pulled an Anti-Cruise. Tom Cruise in Valkyrie, instead of adopting a German accent, prefers to speak in his own non-regional diction, hoping others will adopt it as their own. Loggia, on the other hand, went above and beyond the call of duty: he assumed that because he was in South Florida, acting with Cubans, it was his duty to adopt a Cuban accent. And if not a Cuban accent, it was his job to speak with whatever-the-hell accent Pacino adopted. And Brian DePalma and Oliver Stone? Too coked out in their own right to tell the difference between Fidel Castro's accent and my late Grandfather.

(Oh, and I know talking about bad/over acting in Scarface and focusing on Frank Lopez is like blaming the Holocaust on Hitler's personal secretary, but I stand by it.)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Tuesday Morning Mahatma

Assorted thoughts on Wildcard Weekend and some others on this opening of the TV season!

Cardinals vs. Falcons
  • The Cardinals at home are a way different breed than the Cards on the road. The issue with them is merely consistency and this is evident when they really only show up when their backs are against the wall and everyone is writing them off. Also the Crowd noise clearly was bothering the Falcons and Matt Ryan. The Cardinals picked up on the snap count and jumped it multiple times. Sure there were a few offsides in between but still it completely had a decent Falcon line rattled. The Cards D-line had head starts and completely stuffed Mike Turner and Matt Ryan.
  • The goat of the game for the Falcons proved to be an average defense that benefited greatly from being in leads all season. The pass rush is easily the best part of that defense and by getting a lead allowed John Abraham and friends to rush up field. Without said lead and running game, they got exposed. All in all though, it showed how far this team has come but most importantly, how much further they need to go still.
  • Ken Cheezenhunt was always good at knowing when to call trick plays and when not to. This changed on the ill-conceived Steve Breaston end-around. Look i'm all for trying trick plays but not when you are driving and need a field goal to put the game out of reach, why risk it? I'm from the school of thought where there are specific times to be conservative and times to go hog wild. The play was stuffed for a massive loss but it got forgotten when Keith Brooking forgot to play linebacker. Horrendous playcalls like that when you need points are really way to vital to go all kamikaze. Lucky for Cheezen he didn't have to face the wrath.

Chargers vs. Colts
  • Props to SHMUCK on his colorful use of font in the pregame piece. Truly groundbreaking feats like this are what separates SUS from the rest.
  • Scifres is god. When Indy played in SD earlier this year, their average starting field position was the IND 30.9. They started 8 of their 9 drives at the IND 28 or better. Their worst starting FP was the IND 18. Scifres punted only 3 times that night and none of them were particularly that good. Last night on 12 drives the average starting field position was the IND 15.7, nearly twice as bad as the first game's average. 9 of the 12 drives started at the IND 20 or worse, 4 inside the 10 yard line. Only once did they start a drive past the 30 (which was their average 1st game), and that was at the IND 33. The result was a FG.
  • Lost in all the Darren Sproles is god talk is the kid made two costly fumbles that would have been the story if not for his last second heroics. After his performance and the hot tub, Sproles needs to practice the high and tight all week. Can he keep going at this pace and the pounding and not let up is the biggest question for SD going forward?
  • Big game from the Charger defense. They had one bad play where they got caught with their pants down but as the game wore on, the Chargers took control and eventually got into Manning's face. They held Indy to 34 yards in 17 plays during the fourth quarter.
  • Didn't the Colts used to have a run game? The only changes from this year and last is the guard play. Last year's starters, Jake Scott went to the Titans and Ryan Lilja got hurt also add TE Ben Utecht who is more of a receiving threat but clearly not having even a remote threat of the run game helped the Chargers out more.
  • Furthermore, I was expecting to see Joseph Addai and Domenic Rhodes to be used way more in the pass game and Rhodes more so in both run and pass. Using those guys the same way the Colts used Sproles would have helped out much more and opened up the game for Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark.
  • Marvin Harrison apparently missed the game due to injury...

Ravens vs. Dolphins
  • Ol Noodle Arm strikes back. Chad is a guy that can get you to the playoffs but to win a Superbowl with the guy is out of the question. His big lofty throws hang up in the sky too much and with guys like Ed Reed who can race across a field in 2 seconds, only spells doom.
  • BTW, Ed Reed is good. Apparently, people missed the last 6 years of his career?
  • How good is Haloti Ngata? Everytime i watch this guy play, I'm blown away. This guy unlike his peers (Rogers, Hampton, Jenkins, and to a lesser extent Vilfork) is continuously involved in both run and pass defense and does not take plays off. Ngata's best place might have been the massive block on Dolphin WR, Brandon London on Ed Reed's TAINT.
  • Anyone notice Joey Porter? Stuffed all game by Jared Gaither, Todd Heap, Willie Anderson.
  • Maybe Miami should use more than 3 receivers against a secondary that is the primary weakness of the Ravens D. Jason "UDFA" London, Davone "UDFA" Bess and Ted "Vertical Route" Ginn doesn't quite scare me.
  • As a Ratbird hater, I hate Unibrow Flacco out of spite. But the guy can be pretty good. He's got a big arm and looks very accurate throwing the deep ball and deep sideline patterns, which is a great fit for an offense built around the run game and play action.
    He's not fast but mobile enough and can make plays with his feet. He also has a great OC
    that uses players to their strengths and keeps defenses guessing. But jesus christ, going 9/23 135yards doesn't make you "cool and unflappable."
  • Ray Lewis is apparently playing like he's 25 according to someone. Now maybe I need my prescription changed but it seems like 32 to me. It's shocking that a player would perform better in a CONTRACT YEAR.

Eagles vs. Vikings
  • Would Gus Frerrote have won the game for the Vikings? Good day from the RBs and the O-line but Tarvarius Jackson failed horrendously especially as the game progressed. Tough to blame him on the bad snap fumble though. Problem with him is that he can't read defenses still. Jackson just stares at the defense like he's reading Hindi.
  • I not ready to admit TJack is a waste but his coaches really need to help him out a bit more. The playcalling in the 4th quarter was unimaginative and rarely showed anything creative. Jackson was good in the first half but the same routes failed in Q4. Where are the bootlegs, rollouts? Having him sit back there trying to comprehend what was happening was just too easy for Jim Johnson.
  • Ditto the use of "All Day" AP. Was he even used in the 4th Q?
  • The Eagles are the league's biggest Jekyll and Hyde team in the league. They looked like world beaters against the Cowpokes and than look entirely mortal vs. the Vikings.
  • Sorry Gint fans the Eagles have the deepest crew in the league on the DLine.
  • Eagles 3rd yr, DT Broderick Bunkley is a stud and may be the NFC's best DT by next season.
Media Gripe of the week:

The starting points of Indianapolis' 12 drives: 10, 19, 3, 33, 7, 20, 26, 9, 20, 21, 1, 19. I laughed all day Sunday when I kept hearing from the experts about how Peyton Manning didn't look much like an MVP on Saturday night. No crap, Sherlock! Pretty hard to be great when you're on the road in the playoffs and your average starting point all night is the 16-yard line.

Call me crazy but isn't an MVP supposed to do just that? Sure you can't blame him completely but I'm tired of various media types having favorites and giving them a pass when things go awry. King would probably be tearing into another other QB not named Manning, Brady or least we forget Brett Favre who King talked to last night, Wednesday, Monday and texted Thursday, Saturday. The fact of the matter isn't an MVP is supposed to do just that and overcome the bad field position maybe just a couple of times? Manning was entirely too pedestrian in his performance. And please. Hostile San Diego? I'm surprised the crowd didn't go home after the Wayne td.

Random TV Thoughts:
  • How on earth are all these rejects from the Hills getting their own TV shows. Does the US of A really care about Brody and Whitney? Yea let's give douche Brody his own show as he tries to get more bros in a show called BROMANCE? I mean it's like the bachelor except guys try to be Brody's best friend. Isn't he supposed to be cool? Why on earth do you have this show and portray hip and cool Brody as a loser who can't get friends. Color that unwatchable in my eyes Thankfully the NYT times agrees: “Bromance,” a comparatively conventional but completely unwatchable reality show also spun from “The Hills."
  • And Whitney is fine and all but so f'ning boring. How in earth does she have a show in NYC????? The main question for this week's episode is Whitney a downtown hipster or uptown social? Yes truly riveting stuff. The whole show is her saying ummm or yea and giving this head motion frequently:

  • MTV also is unveiling another season of the Real World. The punchline for this season is: The real NY is on the other side of the bridge. Ouch. Maybe they can than spend the $3,000 on 250 sq foot studios than.
  • Scrubs is on ABC now. Has it been relevant for the past two seasons? I'll give it a shot but I hope it stays away from more of The Fray moments of the past two seasons.
  • It's Armageddon week on the History channel. Armageddon Week? A week of shows that are nothing but theoretical gibberish and insane ramblings from Nostradamus among the others? Apparently the world is ending in 2012.

Parting Shot:

Happy New Year Folks! Enjoy good health, prosperity and may your sports teams have good luck except if you play against the Penguins or Steelers. (I'll give you the Pirates because I'm a giving person.)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A weekend of football and other assorted events

So has anyone else ever been to Brother Jimmy's during a big Eastern Carolina University game? Apparently the Brother Jimmy's on 31st & 8th is home to your Eastern Carolina Pirates? White Boy and I were first downstairs watching the game. Our first thought after seeing a slight buzz following the Eastern Carolina touchdown was Um, there are some real degenerates here. Seriously, who the hell cares about a January 2nd bowl game involving a non North/South Carolina? Then we go upstairs, find ourselves in the alumni section, and well, let's just say you haven't lived until you've led 5 or 6 'HERE'S TO THE GREAT STATE OF EAST CAROLINA' cheers.

But why was I in the city on this Friday? Devo, I really don't care. White Boy had an extra ticket to Knicks/Pacers. Harrington! Troy Murphy! Pacers/Knicks, just like the old days! And if that's not true, well, the uniforms still looked the same. A quick story before we get into the game: White Boy and I were in Vegas about 4 years ago, playing blackjack at the Bellagio. Next to White Boy sat Luke Schenscher, the former 7 foot Australian who helped lead Georgia Tech to the 2004 NCAA finals. The only thing I remember from our lone Vegas celebrity sighting was White Boy speaking to Schenscher and asking him "What ever happened to Jarrett Jack?"

Fast forward to 2008 and we certainly found Jarrett Jack. Not only was he on the Pacers. Not only were the Pacers up for 7-11 points the whole game, but Mr. Jack was leading the team in scoring. And when the Knicks semi-miraculously came back to take the lead with a few seconds left, who was there to make the winning shot as time expired? Yup. Jack. There's Jarrett Jack White Boy.

And not for nothing, but for a game played by an irrelevant (for 130 more games) Knicks team, against an equally irrelevant Pacers team, the Garden truly erupted when the Knicks took the lead in the fourth quarter. I realize that a stadium is supposed to erupt when a team takes a lead in the 4th quarter, but I was still impressed with how loud the arena was at that point. Kudos to you, Knicks fans. And remember, only 130ish games.

And now, a few irreverent ramblings to pave the way for Tuesday Morning Mahatma:

Props to Arizona, proving once again that they're a fantastic 75 degree team.

You know what would be worse than being a Colts fan right now? Being a Colts fan and watching the Sunday games, and seeing about 10 Peyton Manning commercials.

Can we please start calling him LDT and stop giving him the same name as a linebacker who was so good that they created the "sack" stat to record his greatness? NFW LT misses that game, even if he needs a Bonds-esque diet of Horse trancs in order to walk.

And not for nothing, but are we sure that LDT and Chris Mortenson aren't conspiring to make up new body parts for LDT to injure?

You know who I wouldn't want to be on Sunday? My cousins, representative of approximately 1/3 of Florida: diehard Dolphin fans, diehard Da' U fans. Must've been awkward watching once-beloved Ed Reed singlehandedly destroy your team, especially with Willis McGahee and Ray Lewis cheering him on. But you know whats worse? Being the other 2/3 of Florida, UF or FSU fans and seeing the always-hated Ed Reed to said damage.

And lastly, props to Philly for showing that when you don't put out your second team defense, Minnesota isn't that good.