Saturday, April 26, 2008

Here's to another screwed up draft for Gang Green!

We're not the first blog to post this. We're probably not the last. But it's classic.

Random Youtube Clip

So I know that the Japanese are badasses and all but this takes the cake. I’ve piled on enough trains in this fine city of ours to feel the pain but perhaps the MTA need to take a word of advice from our far eastern breathrenen and employ pushers. I mean sure it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen and all but as long as it gets us workaholic newyorkers back to the office sooner it can’t be all bad. For the record, this can't be real. Can it?

Anyone wanna go to Japan and find out for me? Thanks

Friday, April 25, 2008

Newsday beat writer is retarded. Does this make White Boy retarded by association?

Taken from the beat writer mock draft:

Tom Rock from Newsday describes why the Jets should take Matt Ryan over Vernon Gholston:

Watching the Raiders take McFadden, the player the Jets covet most, is one of the reasons they may be itching to climb ahead of Oakland. Here they'll take their second choice and it's not a bad one. Having Ryan in the mix will give them a chance to actively shop veteran Chad Pennington and provide them with a backup plan in case Kellen Clemens doesn't improve from a mediocre 2007. Worst-case scenario two years from now, Clemens is a bonafide starter and the Jets still have Ryan with a strong resale value to dangle in front of other QB-starved teams.

So this is smart. You're giving up on your second round pick from two years ago even though you invested a lot of money in him. You'll now have 3 quarterbacks making tons of money on a team with A LOT of holes.

But my favorite part? The fact that Newsday guy is ok with using their #6 pick as a way to motivate their current QB. And hey, if the current QB becomes good, your #6 pick was used on trade bait! Awesome! Is this guy serious?

Personally, I think the Patriots should take Matt Ryan. Bringing in the local kid and getting rid of Deadbeat Dad will soothe the Puritanical New Englanders.

It's not that I really like or dislike the Jets. But i loathe retarded logic. And this, my friends, is retarded logic.

White Boy, defend your local paper and prove to me that your paper's sports section is better than the Star Ledger.

Pens vs. Rags: An Eastern Conference Semi-Final Preview




Everyone and there mother wanted to see Penguins and Capitals. To a lesser extent, Rag fans wanted to see Rangers and Canadiens but the homothugs in Orange and Black, the Flyers, would ruin that with a questionable call that led to the Flyers’ 4th goal. Regardless, life happens when you are busy making plans and we are left with a battle for the Eastern Conference between the Penguins and Rangers.

Both of these teams had relatively little trouble with their previous foes. The question remains whether these two teams are that good. Objectively, I’d like to think the Devils provided a solid effort but in reality, it was quite poor. The Rangers beat them to every loose puck. They won the battles along the boards and in front and forced the Devils to play un-Devil like. Some argue that would mean a more wide opening and exciting brand of hockey but rather the Devils were undisciplined and showed a truly meager attempt at playing with heart to combine with their watching-paint-dry style.

Others would argue that the Ottawa Senators were ones that showed nothing. This is in fact true but there was a greater sense of urgency from the Senators, especially with their home games and the return of captain, Daniel Alfreddson. But they were a weakened team to begin with and got below average play from Heatley, Spezza and Redden. They were left out-manned and out-gunned and the Penguins did what good teams are supposed to do: SWEEP.

Let’s take a look at some of personnel matchups between the teams:


Both of these teams offer 2 legit scoring lines with more than enough depth to chip in goals. Overall, The Penguins have the better top line performers. No one on the Rangers is within the same stratosphere as Malkin and Crosby right now but the Rangers have more talent evenly distributed as well as more scoring depth on the lower lines. Jagr is still dangerous as hell and by separating Gomez and Drury, teams don’t have much of a break when they roll all the lines out. The Pens at this point attempt to do that as well but until Jordan Staal remembers how to score again that won’t be the case. The Penguins 4th line might be one of the best in league especially with Gary Roberts back in the lineup. Their goal will be to get the puck in deep and cycle away with Laraque behind the net, Talbot along the boards and Roberts parked in front of King Henrik. The Pens have more of a checking line with the Staal line that bottled up Spezza/Heatley during the Sens series. At this point, the Rangers don’t have people that can take away either the Malkin or Crosby line defensively. Rookies for the Rangers helped propel them against the Devils and will need to continue that in this series.

Edge: Penguins


On paper, The Rangers have a clear edge from 1 – 6 on defense. The Rangers don’t have anyone flashy by any means. They just have 6 talented players who know the system and use it well. The Rangers don’t have a clear #1 style defender in the mold of Pronger or Lidstrom or to a lesser extent, Gonchar but they have about 4 #3 guys who can play solid two way hockey with great defense. Meanwhile, the Penguins are saddled by probably the worst defensive pairing in the playoffs with Ryan “Where’s my Purse” Whitney and Rob Suckderi who are both god awful despite what most Penguin homers say. These two will be murdered by the Rangers all series long and will cough it up like only they can. The Pens’ other pairings are solid and Sergei Gonchar is lethal on offense and has played spectacular second half defense. Except Pens fans know that deep down the turnover happy Gonchar is dying to be set loose. Add the fact that Kris Letang is a rookie and Hal Gill is the SLOWEST MAN in hockey and our D makes me quiver. I don’t care if they played swimmingly thus far, I’d still give a big edge to the Rags D here.

Edge: Rangers


Marc Andre Fleury has seemingly begun to flash the potential that made him a #1 pick and now is backing this up with some solid puckhandling skills. Fleury hasn’t looked unbeatable in these playoffs but he sure is playing well with better positioning, staying square to shooters and controlling his rebounds better. Lundqvist is well elite to put it mildly. The Devils offense consisted of banking in shots off Rag defenders to get their goals and praying for deflections. But this isn’t even close as Lundqvist is the best goaltender remaining in the playoffs.

Edge: Rangers


The Rangers are the class of the East despite the seedings. Regular season and standings need to be thrown out the window here. To further add to that is the extremely clutch nature of their best players: Jagr, Gomez, Drury have all played out of their minds and are all better playoff performers than regular season performers. Sure it’s arguable that Pens are the same way but the Rangers are more consistent in that regard and have more experience.

Edge: Rangers


Renney schooled Therrien in the regular season and this will likely continue. Therrien is stubborn, pigheaded and likes to throw shit on the walls and hope that something sticks. During the regular season, Renney routinely gave the Penguins different looks and slowed down this offense tremendously. Rather than adjusting, Therrien would pray that Crosby or Malkin would simply make something happen or he'd switch up the lines. Therrien is already tinkering away with his defense combos for this series. Apparently they didn't play well enough against Ottawa. Things will continue as Michel Therrien will have the dumb, dear-in-headlights look that has become part of Pittsburgh folklore since William Laird Cowhard donned the Black and Gold.

Edge: Rangers


The Rangers can do it all. Play swarming defense, score amongst the best of them and are armed with clutch players all through their lineup that seem to rise about the call of duty. I see the Ranger stealing game 1 due to a long layoff for the Pens and than jumping out to a 3-1 lead as the Penguins are horrid on the ice of MSG. Perhaps they should lay off going to Tonic West and the ESPN Zone. Alas, Michel Therrien needs to bring his coaching A game and force the Rags to play the game the Penguins want. The Pens rarely trailed against the Senators and this hid a lot of their deficiencies. The same things must occur for Pittsburgh as well as continue to play with a physical edge. The Pens have not shown that ability with the Rangers in the past and now would be the best time to awaken.

Rangers in 6

Remember when this guy...

...used to be this guy:

I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that I used to drive around senior year of high school blasting this song with the windows open or the fact that I was pissed for a few years that I didn't go to Woodstock '99.

Thanks to Hollywood Rag for this

Twenty-One Games In and other Random Rants

Hi there. In the past couple of weeks, I have been to flying around the country to Florida and California, which is why I've been absent in the blogosphere. I'm back in Jersey though, so now I can talk about the Mets, the Devils (RIP) and whatever else I feel like talking about.
Carlos Delgado and Aaron Heilman
Right now, I think that these two are the main problems for the Mets. Carlos has been in a slump pretty much since game 3 of the season. He says that this slump is different from last year's slump because he's seeing the ball well and swinging the bat well, but he's still not hitting the ball well. I have always liked Carlos, but I need him to start hitting ASAP. Soon, my feelings will go from like to pity, and that's not a good place for a player to be in my mind. Next up, is Aaron Heilman, who has gotten to pity and is well on his way to hatred. I pity him because I know that he wants to be a starting pitcher. I pity him because I know that he will be indefinitely booed at Shea Stadium. I pity and almost hate him because he is sucking so so much right now. He's not even going through a bad patch, he has just kept on sucking from the end of last year until now. Did I mention that I miss Chad Bradford? We'll just have to see how this weekend series with the Braves (boo, hiss, boo) pans out. Two out of three would be nice, boys.
The Rangers begin their 2nd round series against the Penguins tonight, a week after demolishing my Devils. I guess I knew that the Jersey boys would lose this series, based on the way they limped (slid?) to the end of the season and the season series between the two teams. It is always a tough pill to swallow when you lose in the playoffs to your rivals, especially when one of your stars leaves you for said rival in the off-season (hiss, boo, hiss).
Congrats to the New Jersey Nets for not making the playoffs and as a result not inevitably losing in an embarrassing first round to the Celtics.
You should all do yourselves a favor and see Forgetting Sarah Marshall because it has that same raunchy humor that will make guys like it, as well as the cuteness of a chick flick. Nice job, Jason Segal (my FAVORITE freaks of Freaks and Geeks) for writing this one yourself.
I should probably mention that starting tonight, you can all go see the 2nd Harold and Kumar movie, written by two boys from my lovely hometown. I will now admit that I haven't see the 1st Harold and Kumar, but that it is in my queue.
Finally, this weather is beautiful and I am oh so grateful for the warm temperatures and the greenery surrounding me. However, my allergies to pretty much everything flying around outside make it hard for me to enjoy. Those of you that aren't allergic should enjoy nature for me.

My first (and probably last) night at Nationals Field

Some thoughts from a Nats/Mets game at Nationals Field:

Merloni called attending a Nats game "like watching a game at a sports bar with really nice tv's." Well, they upgraded the tvs. Slightly.

Merloni covered the new stadium, and he pretty much nailed it. It's a decent stadium. It's not Shea, and more importantly it's not the wasteland known as RFK. But it's also not Fenway, PNC Bank, or even the new ballpark in Cincinnati.

My three main beefs with the ballpark:
1. One of the new perks of the ballpark was supposed to be that you can always see the game when walking around the stadium. And that's true, if the whole game takes place in and around shallow centerfield. But it's nearly impossible to see home plate from most of the walkway angles, even if you make an effort to do so.

2. The metro ride to and from the game wasn't really that bad. It only took about 30 minutes to get from Van Ness to Navy Yard, which is good time for those who know DC. Unfortunately, it took me about that long to get from the stadium entrance to upper deck seats. Every stadium should have an escalator that takes you from the entrance to the upper deck. (Do most stadiums have this? I know that Yankee Stadium doesn't but Giants Stadium does.) Either way, I don't need to pass all the local but pricey food stations.

3. This is a pet peeve with many scoreboards across the country. A new state of the art scoreboard needs to have the following at all times:
1. score
2. pitcher's current stats and up-to-minute ERA
3. batter's season stats
4. along with the batter's results for the current game
A surprising amount of scoreboards, including that at Nats Field doesn't have these things.

As for the actual game: just your usual Jose Lopez grand slam, 6 rbi outing. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Weird thing with the Nats Lineup-Merloni noticed that the Nats lineup, #5-8 was Wily Mo Pena, Aaron Boone, Willie Harris, Wil Nieves. Which is to say, Red Sock, Yankee, Red Sock, Yankee. And let's just say there's a reason none of these guys are on those teams anymore.

And the surprising thing about said castoffs: Nieves was 2 for 3 with 2 runs, 1 rbi, and Wily Mo only struck out twice, didn't homer, and didn't make an egregious error in the field. Or any error for that matter.

A fun experience overall, but given that I'm heading back to Jersey for good in two weeks, I'm ok with never coming back again.


Having no game finally pays off!

And just because it's a great clip, here's Will Arnett:

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Round 2: San Jose vs Dallas


In my last series predictions I took the Sharks and Anaheim, and while I was pretty close on one (predicted SJ in 6, they won in 7) I was pretty wrong on the other (predicted Anaheim in 5, Dallas won in 6). So let’s see how I do this time around.

The Sharks are quite the balanced team, and young forward Ryan Clowe is stepping up and leading the team in playoff scoring, and it comes as no shock Joe Thornton is once again not in that spot. If you watched the Sharks-Flames series closely you will have seen the Sharks desperately try and outdo their standard second round playoff choke and attempt it in the first round. Only the ability of Mike Keenan to keep his team from playing at 100% of their ability prevented this.

Dallas on the other hand handily won their series surprising many. Turco had one of the better first rounds of the goalies and the team was able to pull together into a cohesive unit, something they couldn’t seem to consistently do in the regular season. Their best defenseman, Sergei Zubov, has resumed skating and may be back in time for the series. Despite his age Zubov continues to be productive on both ends of the ice.

Dallas wins in 6
I am tempted to predict Dallas in 5, but I think the Sharks are too talented for that. Still they barely managed to beat an underachieving Calgary team, and history shows they absolutely love to lay an egg in the second round. Ron Wilson has also never impressed me as coach. With a tired San Jose and a confident Dallas, I think the Stars are gonna take this one.



Rangers. Flyers. Cowboys. Eagles. Red Sox.

That's the 5 sports teams that I can't stand. Of those 5, I've probably hated the Flyers more than the others because a) They've been competitive for almost all of the last 13-14 years or so and b) they have consistently had more assholes on their team than any of the other 4 (see: Roenick, Jeremy; Lindros, Eric; Hatcher, Derian; Roenick, Jeremy; Leclair, John; did i say JR hockey?). So it killed me (and many hockey purists) when the Flyers beat the Crapitals a few days ago. Then you have the Canadiens. The darlings of the sport. Basically the Yankees of Canada; all the championships and history, none of the arrogance, and some fantastic strip clubs. So yeah, you can certainly see where my heart is in this series.

But let's try and be objective for a minute. Can the Flyers win this series? Yes. They have the best player on the ice in Daniel Briere. He was obscene for most of the Caps series, ending with 6 goals in the 7 game series. (Sidenote: Was it me or was Mike Green personally responsible for every single goal scored by both teams?) But in total, the Canadiens have 7 or 8 of the 10 best players in this series, including the better goaltender. So if this were the regular season, the Flyers would be heavy underdogs.

But it's not, it's the playoffs, where you have to be tough. And unfortunately for Montreal, they're much more of a finesse team; too much Kovalev, not enough Claude Lemieux. I don't see them winning the Stanley Cup as they're put together. (Note: I also didn't see the Giants beating the Patriots, Packers, Cowboys, or Bucs.) And while Philly isn't nearly as talented as Montreal, they play a physical style that is well suited for the playoffs, even if their talent isn't what previous Philly teams were. Expect Mike "An enemy of Ovechkin's is an enemy of Devo" Richards and Co. to give Montreal something of a physical beating. But in the end, Montreal should have just enough skill to advance to the next round. Though whoever gets there, let's be honest is going to lose to the Rangers/Pens winner. Either way.
Les Habitants in 6.

And as a special treat for Phlyer fans out there:

White Boy and the rest of Gmen Nation are idiots. Of course Shockey should be traded.

There are many reasons to keep Jeremy Shockey in blue next year. Some of them are rational, but most of them involve irrational thought and the word “mancrush.” Put simply, there are more reasons to trade him. I honestly didn’t believe this was true until I started writing this. Here they are:

1. They don’t need him.

Last I heard, they held their own without him. Two damn good tight ends would be nice. It’s the kind of thing that the Yankees and Red Sox would do if they were NFL franchises. Unfortunately, there’s a salary cap, so why put that kind of money into TE when it can be placed on the o-line or our secondary?

2. He’s a distraction. Maybe.

Look, I’ve heard reports that Shockey is a distraction. I’ve also heard reports that if Shockey were to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, there’d be 52 guys in blue doing the same thing. So maybe he’s loved, maybe he’s seen as a distraction. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But Eli did play better without Mancrush yelling and glaring at him every time he overthrew to Toomer in double coverage.

3. They can get good value for him.

They can either get a young starting safety, Roman Harper, or a second round pick #40 to go with their picks at 31. (If they can get Harper AND the second round pick that Reese is allegedly holding out for, then even the Pro-Shockey camp has to admit this is a deal that you don’t turn down.) Shockey will be 28 in August, and while that’s not old, he has always battled injuries and always will if he maintains his physical style of play. And oh by the way, there’s the broken fibula that he needs to recover from this year.

4. This is a Patriots-cutting-Ty Law-for-the-good-of-the-team move.

Everything about trading Shockey, if it indeed does happen, is the sort of trade that the Patriots would make. Is a guy a distraction? Is he needed? Fine, he’s as good as gone. The Patriots were always cold and calculating in all of their moves, and it allowed them to sustain a dynasty until they met the immovable object known as the ’07 Kevin Boss-led New York Giants.

5. Two tight ends who can catch? Why?

Shockey doesn’t want to be a blocking tight end in this league. It’s a shame, given that he’s very good at, but he also has enough speed to be justify what he’s saying. Kevin Boss has proven that he’s a very good receiving tight end, but probably no more than a decent blocking TE. Many have two quality tight ends, but one of them is almost always a blocking tight end.

6. Salary Cap.

Why put money into the tight end spot if you don’t have to? Why not put it into our secondary or lb corps? Nothing wrong with shedding some excessive cap space.

7. We can draft Dan Connor and Kenny Phillips.

The Giants have two needs in the draft. Safety and linebacker. I’m not Mahatma. I don’t get stopped at the airport because TSA thinks I’m Taliban, and I don’t do mock drafts. But let’s be honest: drafting Penn State linebackers and anyone from Da U is like betting against the white boxer. Usually you’re going to be right. And if we need a backup to Boss, we can get him later, lest we forget that Boss himself was a 4th round pick.

4 games does not a career make: The case for keeping Shockey

It is an incontrovertible fact that the Giants won all 4 of it's playoff games, en route to it's third Superbowl title, without standout tight end Jeremy Shockey in the lineup. But to make the logical leap that his injury directly lead to the success of the team in general and Eli Manning in particular, is completely without basis. One need look no further than Kevin Boss, Shockey's backup. When asked by a reporter from the New York Newsday about whether he would like Shockey back he emphatically responded in the affirmative. Furthermore, his response was not along the lines of "whatever the Giants organization does I'll support it." He said in Newsday, "Obviously, he's a better player than me. He can do some things I can't yet." This is a clear admission by Boss that he was merely a very fortunate beneficiary of great play by the Giants O-line, Manning and the double coverage that came Plaxico's way during the Gmen's run to glory. Speaking of double teams, you know who commands double teams, JEREMY SHOCKEY! He is too fast for linebackers and too strong for safeties and corners. Just ask Roy Williams.

The other issue of course is whether Eli wants him back. Eli's brilliant play in last year's playoffs has given him the right to have a gigantic input into any decision the Giant's front office makes regarding his offensive teammates. What did Eli say in Newsday?(best ny sports paper by far) "I hope he'll be a New York Giant next year." Thank you Eli for generously donating your time to SUS, your a class act. So, his franchise QB wants him back. The guy who could instantly become the starting tight-end on a defending championship team wants him back and he is a match-up disaster for any opponent. Yea, I want him back.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

NHL Round 2: Detroit Red Wings vs. Colorado Avalanche

I cant even begin to describe how excited I am for this series. The Detroit Red Wings were the first sports team I ever HATED. The Browns, the Cowboys and the Oilers(especially them) were all extremely disliked, but none ever reached the level of the Red Wings. There was NOTHING redeeming about this team, at all. I hated Scotty Bowman, Steve Yzerman and Sergei Fedorov, but I reserved a special kind of hatred for Vladimir Konstantinov and Darren McCarty. I remember being so angry with the whole team and Konstantinov in particular that, for the only time in my life, I asked God to strike him down. And after the '97 Stanley Cup Playoffs, God did just that, when Konstantinov and the Red Wings team masseuse were involved in a limousine accident while returning home from a party. The wreck ended Konstantinovs career and scared the living shit out of me. Ever since then, when I wish great bodily harm on an athlete, I specify that it happen on the field/court/ice. As for Darren McCarty, I stuck to making a t-shirt that said simply "I HATE Darren McCarty". As I and my next door neighbor were the only hockey fans in the state, I felt more public displays of my hatred would be pointless.

A lot of my hatred stemmed from the fact that I was a HUGE Claude Lemieux fan, who, of course, sparked all the animosity with a semi-questionable hit on Kris Draper while he happened to be near the bench breaking Drapers jaw and nose as a result. Now this started the bad blood, but Detroit took it to a new level the next year by jumping Lemieux and Peter Forsberg, sparking the greatest on-ice brawl in modern hockey history. Watch below:

Now, a lot of people called Lemieux a pussy for "turtling" during this fight. But if you watch, McCarty first sucker-punches Lemieux, then holds him down. Any rational person after that will say, "alright, he surprised me on this one, but Ill get him back". Click here to see what true turtling is, courtesy of the same Darren McCarty. Mr. Lemieux did get his revenge the next year in a fight that started as soon as the puck left the referees hand for the opening face off.

A few months later, tensions exploded again when the Red Wings, in their typical style, decided to be classy and double team some guys to try and take them out. This is also the fight where Patrick Roy beats the crap out of Chris Osgood before Osgood cant take it anymore and pulls Roy down. Don't mind the goals in this one, everyone loses a game or two.

So, whats the lesson to be learned from all of this? Well, the Red Wings re-acquired McCarty this year, and the Avalanche got Forsberg and Adam Foote back. So, I'm expecting something to happen. Grade A douchebaggery from McCarty is to be expected and I would almost be disappointed if he doesn't cheap shot someone or go for their knees. That being said, I hope someone pummels him 'til his face is no longer recognizable.

As for the actual hockey part of this series, I have to say its gonna be a good matchup. The Avs aren't scared of Osgood and have proven that they can score on him in the past. From what I saw in the first round, the Avs young'ns have the hustle to compete for pucks and allow our older playmakers to do the things that need to get done. Scrappy forwards like Andrew Brunette and power guys like Ryan Smyth will allow the Avs to get plenty of opportunities in front of the net. Though Paul Stasny only got 1 point in the first round, the kid was all over the place and putting the puck where it needs to be to get scoring chances, I expect him to blossom in this high-intensity series. Colorado has enough firepower to keep Detroits backline busy for 7 games. The only real Achilles heel is the age of some of our more reliable guys. Knowing Detroit, Forsberg will get lots of (illegal) attention and they will try to wear down Adam Foote. If the old soldiers can hang on without any major injuries, I expect this team to really gel and kick some ass.

As for the Red Wings, well, fuck them they suck. GO AVS!!!

Colorado wins in 7

Free Wesley Snipes!

Woody Harrelson, Denzel Washington, and the greatest legal mind of our time, Judge Joe Brown are lending their support to one of the major injustices in the history of a nation that was founded by a bunch of slaveowners who didn't want to pay taxes.

Injustice, you say? The advancement of Hillary Clinton, politician? Nope. Spygate? Nope. Wesley Snipes' tax evasion charges? Absolutely!

The best part of this article has to be the introduction:

Denzel Washington compares Wesley Snipes to a mighty oak tree.

Woody Harrelson views Snipes as a citizen of the world.

Judge Joe Brown casts Snipes as a life traveler serving his fellow man.

Wow, I had no idea that Snipes was so Christ-like in real life. Give em hell boys! And if this leads to an all star tribute (see below) to Wesley with proceeds going towards his legal fund, I'm all for it.

(And if you think this was all an excuse to bring back the 2k1 'what's going on' all star tribute, well, you're not wrong.)

Get Used To These Guys

Im not going to lie, when I went up to Boston in March and bought my #15 Dustin Pedroia t-shirt, I was a little worried he might have just been a flash in the pan. But he has proven my faith in him this year. This kid is a baller, a gamer, whatever you want to call him, he knows how to get hits when the team needs them and he rarely makes mistakes in the field. He brings intensity to the ballpark everyday, and will continue to do so for many years to come. And his boy Jacoby Ellsbury is turning into a clutch mofo as well (when he gets his chances). Yesterdays fantastic performances(4-5, 3 doubles, 1 RBI, 1 SB for Pedroia and 3-5, 3 runs, 2RBI and 2HRs for Ellsbury) by these two only deepened my incredibly gay man-crush for these two. Yankee fans, get used to seeing these guys in your nightmares for the next 10 years.

5 sports observations /rants: cause I feel like it

(1) Carlos Delgado absolutely positively sucks. He is a horrid fielder and a worse hitter at this stage in his career. He looks like he is completely disinterested in the field and can't even touch a 90 plus mph fastball. He is going the way of ex-Met great Roberto Alomar. Enjoy watching Moises Alou play first Carlos.

(2) The Suns would lose to a team of myself, Mahatma, Devo, BH and Merloni if we were wearing Spurs jerseys. Is any team more in any other team's head in sports than the Spurs are in the Suns' players heads. The Suns not only blew a 16 point lead Saturday afternoon but then in overtime had a 5 point lead with under 2 minutes to go and still couldn't stop Duncan and company from ultimately winning the game in the 2nd OT. Tonight's whitewashing of the Suns by San Antonio is further evidence that they are utterly confounded by the well coached and brilliant defensive group in black and white jerseys.

(3) Hey, remember when Shaun Alexander was a good player. I know its hard, but actually, in 2o05 Alexander won the freaking MVP over my then boy Tiki. Tiki clearly did more with less talent around him but everyone fell in love with the 1 yard touchdown runs Alexander had instead of the dazzling 30 yard across the field runs of Tiki. Well today Alexander was cut by the Seahawks to make room for the underwhelming Julius Jones. How the mighty have fallen.

(4) What's the deaaaaal with Phillip Hughes?? Seriously though, every scout in America of any stature seems to think this guy is the next great one in this league. I honestly don't see it. His fastball never exceeds 92mph and it doesn't seem to move all that much. He has a nice curveball but I don't see whats so great about him. Joba throws 98-100 on his fastball and throws the most amazing slider I've ever seen. Kennedy was never supposed to be anything more than a 3 or 4 starter so I'm not gonna ride him too much. But Phillip, either throw harder or stop walking people. It's getting old fast.

(5) Props to the NHL. What a great first round. Lord knows hockey is a distant 4th sport in my viewing preference. However, I have to give credit where credit is due, This first round was oustanding. 3 7 game series, the emergence of the next great NHL dynasty (the Penguins) and an exciting and hostile local rivalry (Devils/Rangers) with 3 consecutive thrilling games to end the series. I found myself ignoring my boy Chinny Ming on YES to watch the 2nd period, 3rd period and overtime of tonight's Caps-Flyers showdown. Finally, I can't wait for Mahatma's Pens to beat the obnoxious Rangers and their 3 toothed caveman Sean Avery.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Sean Avery: Douchebag Part II

Our Director of Societal Research, BH, forwarded around this flaming piece about our newest douche of the month, Sean Avery. Why BH wasn't helping the fine people of Park Slope with their hardware needs is another question. Moreover, why he was ogling Women's Daily is yet another story for another time but the sheer lunacy of this article is too ginormous for the staff to ignore our journalistic responsibilities.

The responses among the SUS staff were to put it bluntly what was expected.

"Know how I know Sean Avery's gay?"

BH: "That was the gayest thing I've ever read... anal sex between men isn't that gay."

Yinzer: "Douche"

White Boy: * Crickets *

Sean Avery continues to go above and beyond the call of duty in the douche category. While one ponders Avery's new career choice, it becomes easier to imagine what exactly Avery said to Brodeur that set him off. Obviously, Avery pointed out that Marty's socks weren't matching his jersey.

In the next round of the playoffs, will Avery be telling Daniel Briere that Orange isn't the new Black or Sidney Crosby that his peach fuzz doesn't bring out his eyes? Perhaps we have found the one true reason that Avery is the ultimate pest. I mean come on. Don't you just hate it when someone says something negative about your wardrobe?

The echoes of this will reverberate through out the league. How can guys take this fashionista seriously now? I mean come on it's like getting shit from your sister now. Most will likely laugh it off and tell Avery that blue makes his ass look huge or that his black nail polish clashes with his Rag jersey. Some will choose to simply punch Avery in his brand new Sephora, tangerine-flavored lip gloss.

For the record, the potential to have Sean Avery work under you is tremendous. This might provoke me to apply to a job at Vogue just for the sake of having Avery be an underling. Not only would it be a true treat to have this wanker give me coffee and make me color copies, but how glorious would it be to boss this guy around? Hey Sean, go walk the company dog. Hey Sean go arrange for the car to pick me up. The possibilities are truly endless.

Avery clearly feels that a career in the fashion industry would follow his true passion but can he put in the time necessary to show the fashion officiandos that he can make it in their cut throat business? Does he have the cajones to sew and fold like the best of them? Can he be the hip trend setter that all 13 year girls aspire to be? This all remains to be seen. We here at SUS wish best of luck to Sean. We hope he can the use the experience he acquires at Vogue and move on to his true desire: Being the next panelist for Queer Eye. You are almost there Sean keep up the good work. I'm sure Rag fans everywhere are proud.

Word Association with Sean Avery

David Clarkson: Not much of a player

Martin Brodeur: Classless.

Claude Lemieux: Sellout; a company man who follows too many rules

Wayne Gretzky: Who?

Derian Hatcher: plays hockey the right way. Godfather to the future Sean Jr.

Elisha Cuthbert: Aint no lovin good enough to burn my dick while I’m up in it.

Darth Vader: Father of the Year

Jesus: pussy.

Mother Theresa: ho.

Gandhi: Drama queen. Make sure you put emphasis on queen.

Hitler: Classless. Almost as much as Brodeur.

Monday, April 21, 2008

So, are the Mets looking for any new fans?

I've seen what happens when a son who is utterly unqualified to run a professional sports franchise is given one of the most prolific teams in all of sports. I'm not ready to walk down that road with Hank Steinbrenner.

In his most recent rant, Hank has spouted that Joba needs to be in the rotation. Hank needs to shut the hell up and not tell his baseball guys how to run the team. Joba is the most feared reliever in baseball, and a Mariano Rivera in waiting. Will he be a good starter? Probably. Will he be a great starter? Fairly possible. Will he be a great closer? Almost positive. Will it screw with his psyche to continually move him between reliever and starter? Probably.

I'm going to say this three times so Hank, a diehard SUS reader (who isn't?) gets the point.


How many bonafide #1 starters are there in the majors?
Probably 9 or 10.

How many elite closers are out there?
2. Papelbon. Rivera. End of discussion.

Hank, Yankee Nation will not stand for you ruining the team. Stop. Now. A David Wright jersey can be ordered quicker than you can say "Jay Buhner."

Belated 1st round NBA Picks

Apologies dear SUS readers for my tardiness in delivering my first-round NBA picks, the hardships of the hardware retailing business are great. Luckily, nothing that happened yesterday changed my opinions on anything. So, here we go, a day(or two) late and a dollar short, but here nonetheless:

Maybe its because I'm the smartest, or the strongest or just the most handsome of the SUS staff, but somehow I ended up with both #1 seeds for the SUS 1st annual NBA Playoff Preview. Or maybe its cuz I called them first. Regardless, I guess this makes my job easier, because Ill bet you can already guess who I'm picking to advance.

#1 Boston Celtic vs. #8 Hotlanta Hawks

So, I think it goes without saying that the Celtics are much better than the Hawks. As in, a lot fucking better. If it were possible, the mercy rule should be extended to the Hawks after they lose Game 3 by 30 points. I mean, if you destroy a team for 3 straight games, by a crazy 20pt+ margin, shouldn't there be some sort of shameful mercy rule that goes into effect where the ref just says, "you are clearly outclassed, don't even bother showing up for Game 4 so you can try to injure the other teams players", and calls the series. I guess I shouldn't be advocating that as a Red Sox fan, but still, the first round of the Leastern Conference Playoffs ain't the ALCS. Nevermind my proposed rule changes, Ill be shocked if there is a close game in this series. Kevin Garnett has been playing like a man possessed all year, and now he just looks like a caged tiger eyeing a porterhouse from across the room. Ever game he wins now will only make him more intense. Bostons biggest worry should be keeping KGs head from exploding when the Celtics inevitably have a string of bad calls go against them in a later series.

As for the Hawks, they got a bad draw, no way around it. I really like Mike Bibby from his days on the early 00's Kings, the last time I really gave a damn about basketball, and hes going to give Rondo some lessons in playoff ball. Al Horford will be getting some lessons as well, and may actually have a decent series, as the 5 spot is the Celtics weakest position. What Atlanta can do is take solace that not much is expected of them in this series, and any good that comes of it will be gravy. The Hawks can look to next year knowing that they will have gotten a taste of the playoffs and that will stoke the fires to make sure they return next year.

Celtics roll 4-0

#1 LA Lakers vs #8 Denver Nuggets

So I just read that Marcus Camby is 34, which makes me feel old. I remember rooting for him waaaay back when UMass had a basketball team, not for any particular reason other than that if you live in the middle of nowhere you have to root for someone. Oh, and Pizza Hut used to sell Final Four mini-basketballs that were killer. Anyway, this may/may not be a good series. It SHOULD be, as the Lakers are a favorite to advance to the Finals and the Nuggets won 50 games this year. In fact, every Western Conference first round series should be good considering every playoff team had at least a 61% winning pct. But we all know that wont be the case, and as much as Id like to see the Nuggets make this interesting, we all know they are standing on the tracks staring down a trans-continental freight train that's headed for Boston. Kobe is still doing his thing, well, and Pau Gasol has turned the Lakers into a dominant force, even if he couldn't get the "l" for his first name through customs. You almost think that missing "l" happened the same way half the people in America got their last names- lazy and drunk immigration agents misspelling everything. Lamar Odom and Luke "nappy-head" Walton have turned into solid role players while you can just imagine Derek Fischer has been weeping with joy for the last few months because Kobe stopped abusing him once they started winning.

I like the Nuggets, I do, but Ive never like 'Melo. I didn't like him in college, when he stole the Final Four MVP award from Gerry McNamara and I didn't like him when he for some reason decided to become permanently engaged to an unattractive 3rd rate VJ from that channel that used to show music videos. I was firmly in the LeBron camp during the Rookie of the Year debate and wondered why it was even a question. Melos attitude is shit and he needs to learn to let one of his posse drive when he drinks. That said, I love the rest of his team. AI has always defined intensity and natural skill("We talkin bout practice?") in my sports world and I'm happy hes landed somewhere where he can contend. Although he sorta shat the bed in last years playoffs, you gotta think hes gonna bring it in this series. Its just a shame it will all be for naught. Denver is gonna make a valiant effort, and Id say they have enough skill to steal one at home, but only one.

Lakers stand tall 4-1

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Some thoughts that noone cares about on the John Adams miniseries that no SUS readers care about

The 7 part miniseries ended last night. Some thoughts.

-Parts of it I loved, parts of it I liked, and parts of it bored the hell out of me. The second episode involving the early meetings of the Continental Congress was far and away the best episode. The episodes when Adams is in Europe sucked. The interactions with Jefferson were fantastic, while the interactions with Washington made me think less of GW as a president. (Or maybe less of the Disturbia dude as an actor.) The 7th and final episode, between the daughter's breast cancer, the death of Abigail Adams and SPOILER ALERT the death of Adams himself was amazingly depressing. Basically, after the first two episodes, I got my hopes up, and it failed to deliver. Overall, it was an uneven miniseries, and average at best by HBO's standards. That said, HBO's standards are high enough that this was still better than anything you could hope for on real tv.

As for some more inconsequential musings:

-Each episode, Adams managed to get slightly more ugly, and his teeth withered away that much more. I didn't think he could get any uglier after last episode. And then this episode came in on us, and Adams grew exponentially more hideous with each passing minute. By the end, he was basically a science fiction character.

-So I'm going to assume that most (or both) of the people reading this article saw Go. The hot chick in that who wasn't Katie Holmes, Ronna, was John Adams daughter. As fate would have it, I've wanted to see her boobies for years now, ever since Go was released. What is that, 9 years ago? The good news: we finally get boobie action in this final episode. The bad news: it's as she's having surgery to remove breast cancer. And there was no anasthesia back then. Karma, you motherfucker.

-Very few people enjoy a good Sally Hemmings joke as much as I do. Needless to say, when we finally got a glimpse of her, with 5 minutes left in the miniseries, I don't think I've been this happy since Eli to Tyree.

-This is going to get me into trouble when I go back to Jersey, but man, this final episode did not make growing old seem fun. For that matter, it sure as hell didn't make being a child of one who is growing old much fun either. You grow bitter, you can barely walk, you need someone to take care of you, and every time someone takes a nap, there's a 50/50 chance that they're not waking up. That Pete Townshend fella was onto something with his whole "I hope I die before I grow old" gimmick.

-In related news, Pete Townshend will be 63 next month.

-A quick view of what history, or at least David McCulloch thought of some of the important historic figures:
George Washington-socially awkward like a 13 year old boy
Thomas Jefferson-socially awkward like a 13 year old boy, only if the 13 year old could write like a combination of Shakespeare and MLK. Probably the finest man to come from the Revolution.
John Adams-great ideas. Complete asshole.
Alexander Hamilton-asshole who wanted an empire.
Ben Franklin-Loved the ladies. An eccentric genius.
John Quincy Adams-The Michael Jackson to John Adams' Joe Jackson. Not a happy childhood.
The South Carolina Delegation-Forget Barney Frank. These were the first homosexuals in Congress. I'm too lazy to find any photos, but you gotta trust me here.
The delegates from the great state of New Jersey-amazingly inconsequential to anything. (This was the first thing my dad noticed from the 2nd episode. This may have stopped him from watching any further.)

-Emmy possibilities: Giamatti and Laura Linney will be front runners. And they'll be somewhat deserved, especially Linney's. But a supporting Emmy (MissMet, does this award even exist?) should go to Thomas Jefferson. The man stole every scene he was in. And if George Washington gets nominated for anything, then the Emmys is officially the Milli Vanilli of awards shows.

It's so hard to find good help these days...

And since BH is apparently too busy making sure the good people of Park Slope have adequate hardware supplies to make his basketball picks, here goes:

Boston over Atlanta in 4.

LA over Denver in 4.

Don Banks dares to asks the questions that everyone already knows the answer to.

Will Steve McNair make the Hall of Fame? No. Of course not. Next issue.