Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Top 9 NY/NJ Professional Teams of 2008


Good See: Tyree, David. And this.

Bad Um, they lost two in a row recently. And there was about 12.5 days this year in which I wanted Coughlin and Eli off the team. And it was cold at the stadium the last two games.

Because when every other team embarasses themselves something awful, someone has to do well, right?


Good: One of two local teams to meet or surpass expectations this year finishing the ’07-’08 season as arguably the second best team in the East, a few “interesting” calls away from truly battling the Pens.

Bad: They’re the second best team in the East this year, but they also have about 4-5 games in hand on the Devils and Flyers with few points separating them. The main bullet point here is that they should be a 4th or 5th seed by the time the season ends, and may even be the 4th best team in the Atlantic Division.


Good: Probably the best of the 5 NBA/NHL local teams right now. Setting themselves up for a deep playoff run in ’09 with Parise playing at Hart Trophy levels and Elias returning to his old form. With Brodeur coming back in March, he should be well rested for the first time in about 14 years heading into the playoffs.

Bad: You mean besides losing their Hall of Fame Goaltender for most of the season? Besides losing their entire free agency class for a few months in a year when the Devils have a rare positive offseason? How about bowing out of the playoffs embarrassingly quickly to the Rangers and Judas Gomez? Yeah, that’s bad.


Good: They have a team that at the very least is fun to root for and showcases some young talent in all-star Devo Harris, Brook Lopez, and the fundamentally awful-but-improving Yi Jianlan. Even Vince Carter’s face doesn’t make me change the channel anymore.

Bad: This team is still probably no better than a 7 seed and will only see the 2nd round if Devo outplays Lebron. They’ll also only make the playoffs if they learn to win at home. Who knew the friendly confines of the Izod Center wouldn’t constitute a decisive home court advantage? And the Nets are clearing cap space for the 2010 run of free agents, but with the team more likely to be playing in East Rutherford or Newark than Brooklyn, why would any franchise-changing free agent want to play here?



Good: Over the past year, they obtained the best starter in the game, a record-setting reliever, and a second legitimate closer. Had a much better (or less gluttonous) off-season than their Bronx counterparts, addressing actual needs and not becoming the face of everything wrong with baseball. On a scale of 1-10, their GM ranks at least 4 points less clueless than the Cash Man.

Bad: Said starter was the only player who showed up in September. The reason they got both relievers is the fact that this bullpen took 5 years off of MissMet’s life. Their collapse would have been much more historic if fans had not witnessed the same thing the previous year.


Good: Stripping the team of all its talent so that in 20 months, Lebron, Bosh, and Steve Nash can be Knicks. Seriously, that's as close as I can come to finding a positive.

Bad: See Good. Also, the sad truth is that this team is playing better with filler players than when they had actual players last year. The team has been so bad recently that this current incarnation of players has fans thinking, eh, what’s 20 months? And on a personal note, thanks to Donnie Walsh, Mike D’Antoni, and the Detroit Lions, they’re in danger of not being the most embarrassing organization in professional sports, ending a fantastic era in this blogger’s mind.


Good: For about 5 minutes before the media overhyped it, the Brett Favre trade was really cool. Just like I had two weeks in which I wanted Eli and Coughlin out of New York, there were two weeks in which I thought the Jets were Tampa-bound. At least this team did the right thing very quickly and got rid of Mangini.

Bad: This team took more years off of SHMUCK’s life than the Mets took from MissMet. Brett Favre is old, Eric Mangini sucked, Vernon Gholston hasn’t shown anything yet, and this team made enough free agent signings that they’re built for now. Except that they’re not winning, and had it not been for Dick Jauron’s idiocy, they wouldn’t have won since before Thanksgiving. The Knicks are ranked higher because they have a better future than the Jets. The only thing weirder than writing that last sentence is being 72% sure that it is accurate.


Good: Say what you want about the Yankees, but a) but for the D-Rays, they probably would have made the playoffs, b) they got the best free agent arms available in C.C. and Burnett, and c) they made the right move, picking a 28 year old Gold Glove lefty power hitter over a player who, like the rest of America, goes on vacation every August.

Bad: Where to begin…Ok, how about that they could have had the best pitcher in the game in exchange for a 4th outfielder, Mark Prior 2K8, and a POTENTIAL 6th starter who is hated by his teammates more than Carl Pavano. Or that they missed the playoffs for the first time since I was in middle school. But for my money, the problem is that this team is so rudderless right now, spending money like a drunken sailor at very imperfect players who have tons of flaws. When you’re the Yankees, you’re impervious to the troubled economy, but it’s still embarrassing to watch them bid against themselves for C.C., Burnett, and Texiera. This team still has loads of talent but is becoming an embarrassment to justify.

Howards End theory

Some have compared sports to theater, only with an unscripted ending. Howards End was some Oscar Nominated movie from 10 years ago that seemed amazingly boring and irrelevant such that I made a point of never seeing it. It seemed irrelevant and boring, and a waste of time to even think about. And now, their sports equivalent…

The New York Islanders!

Because if sports is theater, this is the type of movie in which I fall asleep ten minutes in.

SUS Recycles the Best of 2008: Mahatma Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

There are very few things that Mahatma and I agree with in this life, but when Mahatma claims to be a Sports Douchebag, well two of the better blogging minds of the 21st Century finally unite on an idea. Without further ado, let's let Mahatma tell us why he's a Sports Douchebag, from November 20:

I Support the Pirates.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me. THey are the worst team in all of sports with no hope in sight. Every year it's the same thing. Can we please stop these Derek Bell-type signings of guys who were good 4 years ago? Bullshit. I go home once in a blue moon and when I do, I usually try to catch a Pirate game. I wear my dumb Pirate hat to support the team despite some idiot giving me crap for it.

I have a couple player t-shirts hidden in the depths of my dresser.

I watch them when they are on TV and even go to a handfull of games here in NY.

I waste time on message boards and blogs getting updates.

I buy the hype that they will improve.

I don't know why I do these things but they gave me my first sports memories (and my first sports heartbreak) so I'll always have a soft spot in my heart. But on the other hand, they haven't been .500 in 16 years!

Enough is enough, you Indian douchebag.

I hate 90% of the players on my teams.
I'm an asshole because I loathe 90% of the players on the Penguins and the Steelers. (and probably about 99% of the Pirates) Whether it be Rob Suckderi's lack of anything, Tyrone Carter's lack of speed, Kendoll Simmons' lack of talent, Larry Foote's missed tackkles, I'm the 'I want this mofo off my team' guy. When a player continues to display scrubdom, I point it out. Sure, I know they are better than me and more athletic but I can still hate them and voice my displeasure.

I even hate my teams' legends.
Jerome Bettis?

Bill Cowhard?
Stubborn, predictable, and lacking strategy in every walk of life.

Michel Therrien?
Hockey version of Bill Cowhard.

Joey Porter?

Alan Faneca?

Call me an elitist, but I like to hype the players that deserve it. (See Joey Porter '01-03/Faneca '00-'04). I extend this crap to other teams when I hear about Carson "3rd best QB in the NFL" Palmer or Tony "Young Favre" Romo. I'm all for giving players their props when they deserve it, but not when they luck into crap. Nor when their skills decline to horrendous levels. Granted, there are some exceptions that even I can't attempt to defecate upon: Mario, Bradshaw (Terry or Ahmad?) Jagr, Woodson, Lloyd, etc..

I wish injuries upon MY OWN TEAM'S players.
Look, have you seen Ian Moran, Rico Fata, Kendoll Simmons, Sean Mahan, Larry Foote, Burnt Alexander, Tyrone Carter, Lee Mays, or Michel Ouellette play for more than two years? They were/are awful. But for whatever reason, they saw/see playing time. So sometimes even I have to root for my team's players to get injured, but only for the team's greater good. And yes, I know I have no soul.


I'm easily the most superstitious person around to an almost douchebaggy degree. If we win in whatever outfit I am wearing, you can rest assured that said outfit is being worn no matter how much it smells like whiskey, cigarette, and nachos. Sure, there are some limitations to this, mostly relating to socks and boxers, but everything else is fair game. And when we lose, you better believe that those clothes are the first thing going into the laundry bin. But I do even dumber things, including but not limited to:

-standing in the same place we scored the last point (See Stanley Cup Game 5) without moving
-sitting at the same chair/table
-routinely alternating my hat between backwards, sideways, front, rally, as if I control the universe.
-ordering the same meal if we win, even if it makes me sick (kielbasa)
-banning friends from watching games because we lose in their presence (Ask Devo if he's allowed to watch Steeler games with BH, me, and the rest of Steeler nation)
-I can't DVR my teams' games anymore because we lose every game I DVR-basically I'm spending $10/month recording Criminal Minds.

Who does all that? This sports douchebag, that's who.

Blowing off the non-sports friends.
Um, yeah, sorry, but if my team is playing when you have an event or want to hang out, I will likely decline or show up fashionably drunk. Sorry, but my team is on! It's not that bad I guess, it's not like I'm blowing off people for Counterstrike practice...

I'm physically bothered by losses.
We've had talks about this amongst ourselves behind the blogging scenes, but a majority of the writers here take losses very hard. Some have different outlets, including

-hitting things (see Boy, White)
-throwing things (see Boy, White)
-punching things (see Boy, White)
-pointing out that Eric Lindros was a failure during Eagles games (see Dev0)
-offending the bartender after a loss by confusing their gender (a certain outer borough from the Confederate territory)

I fall into the "hey, let's go to the 5 shots for $10 place" after some big losses. There was a time when I didn't even drink during sporting evenst. I guess it all changed for thee worse during Steelers/Ravens, '06. 9 Ratbird sacks and a 27-0 loss later, I began my Sunday whiskey consumption.

Growing up, I didn't care THAT much. I was up and down with losses, but I'm pretty fuckin far away from that level now. Maybe it's that I want a Super Bowl and/or a Stanley Cup every season, except that it only happens in video games. Perhaps my Madden mastery has spoiled me?

I talked to an old school Stiller fan one day at a bar in Pittsburgh during a bad losing streak during '05. He kept telling me to keep the games and seasons in perspective. He said something along the lines of this: 'A story is being told, and that story isn't over after the game or after the season. It carries on each year throughout your lifetime. In the end, you should just want to be entertained for a few hours per week."

Imagine if we HADN'T won the Super Bowl that year? My god I'm one big bag of douche.


40 Years of Misery

Lets be honest, we all saw this coming. I even called it just as the season started (jokingly at the time) when I was debating it with my father, “Chad Pennington is going to hurt us the last game of the season, and I know it, just watch.” And low and behold he did. You know what? I'm happy for the guy. Hell if anyone hurt the Jets season it was Brett Favre, especially during these last few weeks. But Pennington is a class-act type of guy. He will take the Dolphins or whichever team he's on to the playoffs, quite a few times, but he will never take them to the superbowl. He's just a playoff hopeful quarterback. That's all he'll ever be. Who else has won the "Comeback Player of the Year Award" twice? No franchise quarterback has that's for sure.
Thanks to some early christmas gifts (grandpa doesn't know when Christmas really is anymore, nor does he know my name) I was able to purchase a ticket and attend the game last Sunday. I was kind of pumped because it was my first (and last) Jet game of the season. And it wasn't a shocker that there was more Dolphin fans than Jet fans, I kind of expected it. I could see the doubt on everyone's faces. Jet fans deep down knew what was going to be the outcome of the game. The excitement, the enthusiasm, it just wasn’t there. Oh and um word to the wise, next season if you plan on attending any Giant or Jets games, spend the extra money for a parking pass. Until construction of the new stadium is complete parking at the meadowlands is very limited. Meaning you are going to pay $25 over on Rte 120 (behind the strip club) and they will shuttle you over to the stadium. The lines waiting for the shuttles were longer than the lines at Great Adventure (sucked to be them).

11:00am - We arrive at parking lot 18E and start tailgating. I was kind of glad it was 60 degrees out and I didn't freeze.

11:30am - Saw my first Pennington dolphins Jersey. The girl wearing it was really hot but the fact she was wearing clothing was very disappointing.

11:47am - Meet up with colleagues from work and got my tickets, section 104 row 4.

1:14pm - Our tailgate team brought a TV, we hook it up to a battery and start watching the Pats game.

2:25pm - I'm drunk and full

2:48pm - I hate the Bills. Their clock management at the end of the first half was Herm Edwards honorable. How does Dick Jauron still have a job?

3:30pm - I needed to take a shit

3:45pm - We start heading in

4:00pm - We sat with a bunch of kids from Verona, N.J. They all went to school with Anthony Fasano, one of Jersey's hometown boys; that's how we got our tickets. Apparently Verona played Summit in high school football...they probably kicked our ass. Also you know it's going to be a bad game when Dolphin fans have better seats then you do.

4:33pm - They announce the Ravens Jaguars score and the stadium arrupts.

By now I'm not aware nor do I care what time it is, I only remembered certain events....

- Fight #1 - Some kid and some dolphin fan start shooting off words to one another; the Jet fan looked like Anthony Soprano (before he became a little bitch) and the Dolphin fan looked like Keanu Reeves....I was hoping they'd throw both of them out just on looks alone.

- Jets actually muster up a decent scoring drive 7-0. It seems this season Cotchery shows up for like 5 minutes every game and makes some plays. Definitely not the player he was last season. How dramatic, the Jets miss the extra point, bet they lose by won now too.

- Fight #2 - Fists are thrown, now this game is getting really interesting!

- Fight #3 - Anthony Soprano gets thrown out!! Apparently the swat team was needed. Section 104 RULES!

- Dolphins drive the length of the field and tie the game. Dwight Lowery (no relation to Mike Loooweerry) covering Ted Ginn Jr. on the play, mistimed the jump. I hate you

- My buddy next to me informs me the Ravens have taken the lead 17-7. What the f*ck?!?! It was like 7-3 five minutes ago. I spilled half my beer...there goes $4.

- Favre’s best screen pass goes right to a defensive lineman and it’s returned for a TD. Torn bicep or not, Chad could of made that throw, 14-6.

- I’m pretty hammered. Next to me sat a little cute brunette, I’ll get back to her later.

- Halftime-pee break

- The Jets Flight Crew needs more revealing clothes. They still looked good in those pilot jumpers but I don’t care how cold it is….see-thru leg warmers!!

- So one of the Verona girls behind me is wasted and she’s taking lots of pictures. All of a sudden she takes my wool hat off my head because she wants a picture of her wearing a Jets hat. Now, I have the worst hat hair known to man (It looks worse than morning wake up hair after having sex all night) so I’m kind of embarrassed. I pull my hoodie over my head and the cute brunette apologizes on her friend’s behalf and starts patting my shoulder and arm. Any straight man out there will tell you that that is an open invitation for you to talk to her. She asks me if “I’m ok” and apologizes again now rubbing my back and giving my hat back. What the hell is wrong with me!?!? Make a MOVE!

Mickey: What the hells the matter kid?
Shmuck: I don’t know
Mickey: You're a bum, Shmuck. You're a bum
Shmuck: What should I do? What should I say?

Mickey: You’re gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!
Shmuck: wtf?

Mickey: Women weaken legs
Shmuck: is that why I’m sitting down?

Mickey: Shutup and Get in There!
Shmuck: You’re Right!

I turn to the girl and now she’s sitting back in the row with her obnoxious friend who took my hat (by the way…she’s busted). She looked at me but I didn’t say anything. I hear her busted friend muster “is he cute?” So they tap on my shoulder and at that exact point Leon Washington scores and I stood up and cheered totally ignoring any advances both girls were making.

: Down! Down! Stay Down! You Bum

So yea, I’m a bum and I didn’t talk to either girl for the rest of the game, especially because after that Pennington and company took over.

- Next drive Pennington throws (under throws) as far as he could to Ted Ginn Jr. for 44 yards. Ah yes the floater, I can’t recall how many times it worked while he was a Jet but I can bet you he had more interceptions than positive yardage as a result.
- And just like that he throws a touchdown pass in the corner of the endzone to Fasano. Our section goes nuts. All of a sudden Fasano comes our way; he knew what section we were going to be in. He throws the ball in the stands to one of his buddies. That was pretty cool.

- Fight # 4 – So Fasano’s friend, who was supposed to get the ball, didn’t. The fans in the 2nd row did and they weren’t giving up the ball, rightfully so. If I got a ball I wouldn't give it up either; alright maybe to that little kid who I knocked over to obtain the ball but if theres no kids, I'm going for the ball like a meathead in a mash pit. Now security gets involved and they were nice enough to get the ball out of the fans hands and give it to Fasano’s friend/cousin, I forget what he was. The fan that got the ball taken away was pissed, yelling and cursing to the event staff personnel. Those are the last guys you want to piss off. Of course he starts pushing and shoving other people and giving us dirty looks; bye asshole!

- 4th quarter comes along and nothing is really happening, a lot of 3 and outs. Favre throwing priceless interceptions. The 3rd one was the icing on the cake. The expression on Coles’ face was like “wtf?!

- At this point the "Lets Go Dolphins" chants started to errupt. They were actually louder than the Jets and that was just sad. Please let this game end now because at least if the Jets lose then the Patriots don't make the playoffs and I'd much rather see Miami make it then those Massholes.

- Seasons over, empty the lockers and polish the golf clubs and get the hell out!

So i'm done, there's no use in crying over spilt milk. The Jets are a cursed franchise and I'll have nothing to look forward too until April when the Jets will waste their 1st round draft pick, no matter who their coach is.

Head Coach Potentials:

Cowher - I think his name only surfaced to bring hope to Jet fans. But realistically that wouldn't happen. Just remember Jet fans, Brady's back next season :::::::F*CK::::::::
Shanahan - If the Jets wanted to win now he could be the man to make it possible. The Jets can't afford to take another chance on a rookie head coach with little coaching experience

Schottenheimer - This is unless his son doesn't want the job. I hope his son doesn't want the job. His play calling was horrible.

Rex Ryan - Well, at least the 3-4 defense would be more effective. SIGN TERRELL SUGGS!

Steve Spagnuolo - There will be quite a few teams looking at him. The Giants have been blessed to have him for these last few seasons.

Bill Callahan - Currently was the Jets assistant headcoach and offensive line coach. He also coached the Raiders to the superbowl the following season after Gruden left. He's my vote currently if they can't obtain Spags.

I don't know much about college football but I don't know if it would be wise for the Jets to take any chances.

WHAT TO DO - I'm not sure what the Cap will be next year but because of Tannenbaum's shopping spree this year but I'm sure the Jets won't have much room to play with

Brett Favre - DROP/CUT/RETIRE - No one questions your toughness but when you're playing with an injury and hurting your teams chances of winning you have to be benched. F*ck your streak of most games played. Thomas Jones doesn't talk a lot but he's surely said enough these past few days to cause some controversy. Frankly it sucks to be a Jet player right now (and a fan). Maybe Coles was right? Doochebag. He's $13 million against the cap, and no penalty if the Jets drop him, if he retires the Jets don't have to pay him nothing and they also get a 7th round pick from Green Bay.

Laverneus Coles - HOLD - He's not a #1 wide receiver although he's getting paid like one. He's guaranteed $7 million so cutting him would be a waste. They still need to draft another big target for whoever the quarterback is to throw too.

David Barrett - CUT - He's declining and his $3.6 million is a waste considering he's a backup safety.

RESIGN - David Clowney, Wallace Wright.

LET GO - Eric Barton, Bubba Franks, Mike Nugent, Brad Smith
Bart Scott - LB - Ravens will more than likely resign him but he fits the middle inside linebacker nicely and is a an upgrade over Barton
Terrell Suggs - LB/DE - He's going to be looking for a huge payday and he'll probably get it. The Jets can't afford it
Albert Haynesworth - DT - Yea he won't be available but imagine him lining up next to Jenkins? That's scarier than Kevin and Pat Williams!!!
Bertrand Berry -DT/DE - Played the 3-4 well in Arizona with Calvin Pace.
Karlos Dansby - LB - A quick outside linebacker who can also play inside and help cover the TE better
Jermaine Phillips - S/CB - Eric Smith and Abram Elam don't look to be the answer next to Rhodes. Phillips would be a nice upgrade.

Monday, December 29, 2008

SUS Recyles the Best of 2008: Yinzer Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

Yinzer, in one of his first articles on the site, described the greatest division in the world as follows:
The Atlantic division in hockey is quite possibly the greatest division in hockey. And this is not just because how good each team is. No, one of its greatest assets is that every team hates each other to some extent. Even the teams that aren’t considered rivals still have a distaste for one another. And with this distaste comes perceptions of the other teams portrayed by the fans, so you might wonder “what does the rival team really think of us?” This is what I think it would be like.

New Jersey Devils

[snore] Oh, sorry, I fell asleep again, but that’s the Devils for you. So boring is this team they are now the leading prescription sleeping aid given out in the New York/ New Jersey Area. After killing hockey in the 90’s with their defensive style, they continue to try and undo all the offense the post lockout rules have created, and are succeeding. This will be the case while Lou Lamoriello, the Devil himself (not to mention a douchebag that fires a coach that won you the division a few games before the playoffs), is the GM of the team. Damn this team! Damn them to hell!

Oh, and way to fill you’re your brand spankin’ new arena jagoffs. You have the most kick ass scoreboard and all it ever shows are empty red seats.

New York Islanders

Hello, hello, hello. Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home? [silence ensues] Guess not. Ownership and Mike Milbury have made this franchise the butt end of most hockey jokes and rightfully so. Their old shitty arena hasn’t been filled in years, and no one really seems to care. Milbury traded away supreme talent for nothing, and owner Charles Wang is pulling antics on a regular basis, and even suggested bringing in a sumo wrestler because they are big and can clog up the net. Yet they wonder why no one wants to come to the games…

And because I can: fish sticks.

New York Rangers
They helped ruin the NHL economic landscape with their massive contracts pre-lockout, screwing basically everyone else in the league. Luckily they were idiots in that they gave it to the wrong people. They didn’t learn their lesson from before and handed out massive cap killing deals to Chris Drury and Scott Gomez in the off season. You would think they would take the hint this strategy didn’t work in the past, but alas they do not. But please, keep on doing it, it hasn’t worked yet.

And what the hell is with that fight song? It sounds like a gay owl’s mating call or something.

Philadelphia Flyers
What assholes. These cheap-shotting, dirty pricks are always looking to injure the other team more than they are to score goals. What do you expect when an inspiration to the franchise is Bobby “Sweep the Leg” Clarke? They are refilling their ranks with the likes of Steve “Aim for the Head” Downie, though amazingly traded away Ben “I’ve got Huge Balls When Your Back is Turned” Eager. They’ve injured and received as many suspensions this year than nearly the entire league combined. But hey, this is what the city is known for right? Interesting concept of brotherly love they have.

Pittsburgh Penguins
God damn pansies. They go out there every night skating circles around other teams defense trying to score fancy goals. When they don’t they whine and complain. I’m sick of these guys trying to look cool and never hitting anybody, just running away or spazzing on people. And it’s bad enough we had to deal with them landing Mario Lemieux but now they got Sidney Crosby too. WTF, do they just shit out superstars when they need them? And here’s a helpful hint when it comes to winning: you need defense to do it!

AFC East Title Town: Diary of my bar crawl in Miami for Jets/Fins (with a little boys/eagles sprinkled in)

4:49: At Finnegans on Ocean Drive. Way better atmopshere as far as pro fins compared to pro Giants in New York. No score early 2nd quarter.

4:55: Nevermind. Bar was louder when Eagles scored. Apparently I found a half Fins half Eagles bar. Oy. I wanted to root for Eagles today but these obnoxious Iggle fans are making that near impossible.

5:00 As I watch Philly and Dallas deadlocked at 3-3 , I realize that all week ESPN and other sports outlets made a big mistake in terms of indicating that Philly needed losses by Tampa and Minnesota and then and only then could it sneak in as a 6 seed with a win against Dallas. However, Minnesota won and Chicago lost and Philly still got in. So it was Chicago that Philly needed to lose not Minnesota coupled with a Tampa loss in order to sneak in. Nice job ESPN and company.

5:28 Okay Baltimore is on its way to mauling Jacksonville. Time to officially root for Fins so that Pats don't win AFC East. 14-9 Jets at half. Dolphin two touchdowns are scored within 15 seconds of each other. The second of which was another of Farve's incomprehensible interceptions thrown right into the waiting arms of a front 7 player. He has really made that into an art form this year.

5:32 Devo and I exhange text messages agreeing we want Philly to win this week and lose to Minnesota next week. Its always easier playing a team you haven't played before in playoffs if you are better club than it is playing a team you are better than who you have played twice in one season already.

5:40 Okay I can't get bartenders attention amongst the sea of orange and white jerseys so I walk along Ocean Drive to Fat Tuesday.

5:45 A guy taps me on the shoulder from behind and says hey. This completely freaks me out as I don't know anybody other than White Girl, who is taking a nap in the hotel room, in Miami right now. He tells me he is our front desk guy at the hotel. I don't recognize him because he is wearing a backwards baseball cap, t-shirt and baggy jeans. Not exactly appropriate attire for work. He still asks me if I am having a good time down here and then he moves away clearly not wanting to be amongst us nobility on his day off.

555 Much smaller crowd here but daquiris are mad strong (151!!)

600 Third Quarter begins... Please G-d don't let the Pats in the playoffs!

615 G-d damn Jets. Once Baltimore has totally pulled away from the Jags to claim the 6 seed, you start playing well. What a pointless team you are! Jets score an touchdown with two point conversion added on 17-14 Jets. An annoying and somewhat half-hearted J! E! T! S! chant is heard through the TV.

And wow, Dallas should fire Phillips on the spot. Heck, the only thing worth watching int his game anymore is seeing if Jerry will come down and coach with a headset on in his suit Landry style.

620 Ah thats the Chad Pennington I know and love. He horribly under-throws a flea flicker yet somehow the receiver (I think it was Gynn) comes back and catches in front of two Jets defenders. What a secondary!

627 Fasano td! Italians in NJ are conflicted and Fins take a 21-17 lead. Are the Jets still motivated to come back down the field and score to help out their old friend up North?

635 I hate when networks avoid telling the viewers things so that they won't turn off their TV. They wait till the 4th quarter to tell everyone that the Ravens are destroying Jacksonville and therefore the Jets season is over. Everyone who was watching probably knew anyway so not telling us yourselves just make you look like you care more about getting viewers than you do about the viewers themselves. Of course, talk immediately begins on how great Brett Farve still is and always was. Ugh more on him soon.

647 Some guy named Carpenter (I miss Orlindo Mare, or at least saying his name like Yolandaaaa Veeeega) drills a 48 yard field goal putting the Fins up 24-17. Just put in Kellen Eric, you know you want to!

On a side note this game is not really doing it for me, maybe its the fact that both the crowd at this bar and more so the crowd at the Meadowlands is half dead and half empty by now (I can't blame them)

652 I look around and realize I am the only White person here. However, the front desk guy at my hotel is black so I have more than one non Hispanic person with me... VICTORY!!

654 Simms and Nance manage to remove their collective mouth out of Farve's cock for just a few minutes and share that they think Pennington is an MVP candidate. I actually agree. He has been a stable presence and a leader for this young offense stewarding them to this historic turn around season.

655 Despite the fact that the Jets team is only down 7 and has the ball, the crowd is utterly silent and most people have left. So this is what indifference sounds like huh?

700 THANK YOU ERIC AND BRETT!! unreal play by Jets. Farve, despite his team being deep in Miami territory inexplicably does a quick count no huddle play and attempts a snap throw which is of course thrown once again right into the teeth of Miami's front 7 for another pick. How does Brett do it??

I expect this to be Farve's last throw. If it is, it is not lost on me that his last throw in the 07 playoffs and the last throw in the 08 season were both intercepted.

705 4th and inches at the Jets 40 with 230 to go. Fins go for it and...... 1ST DOWN!! THE PLACE ERRUPTS..........in a quiet roar. It was somewhat loud but nothing like Finnegans I'm sure was or the way a north east bar errupts for it's local teams wins.

710 I am just glad the Farve love-fest is over for good. The most over-rated career by a QB ever. His 464 to 310 TD/INT ratio is solid at best, certainly not legendary. He has 1 championship and has failed in the big moment every bit as much as he has succeeded in it. His longevity and iron man streaks are beyond impressive but that does not take away from the deficiencies in his game; mainly his penchant for horrid decision making. The truly great ones like Brady, Montana, Unitas and even Peyton do not have such decision making problems.

715 Fins punt it with 20 seconds left back to Jets. The game ends on a lateral bonanza. So I guess Farve's last pass was a 3 yard pass over the middle. oh well. Okay, time for a "Pats and Cowboys are eliminated celebratory cigar".

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's David Carr!

For those of you looking for in depth analysis of the Giants' performance keep on moving, for there's nothing to see here. Just a few quick thoughts while geeking myself up for RU/NC State: An Era Ends on a Monday Afternoon. The Giants did exactly what they needed to do yesterday: get in some work for the first team as well as see what the backups can do. What did we find out?
  • Hixon is a solid receiver. Is he a #1? Possibly. Was he getting open? Yes. Well why wasn't he catching balls? Simple: for whatever reason, Eli was over throwing while Hixon was in synch with Carr. Actually, check that, Hixon has probably had more reps with Carr this year than Eli, so they have two weeks to work on that.
  • This team needs to start scoring touchdowns in the red zone. Is it as simple as putting Jacobs back into the lineup? Probably.
  • Congratulations to Derrick Ward from the collegiate powerhouse of Ottawa, for his first 1,000 yard season. Unless Ward wants 1/3 of his market value, he'll go on to sign elsewhere next year, and let me just say that he's been a great Giant, and all the best. Just stay away from Philly and Dallas.
  • And what may have been lost in all of this was that Ward had 15 carries for 77 yards against the #1 run defense, and unlike last week, there was no Jacobs to soften up the D.
  • As a whole, I have absolutely no complaints about the second half. The second string guys, and I believe that except for Snee and Seubert it was all 2nd string guys, performed well. Carr showed that he is at worst a good backup qb and Danny Ware showed that the Giants running backs roll 4 deep.
  • And to the Minnesota Vikings: hey, you have reason to celebrate: you went 20-30 yards with a desperate first team against the Giants second team and barely won the game. Way to go, Minny! If Tuck, Kiwanuka, Pierce, Ross, Webster, Robbins and Cofield are all out in the NFC Championship game, then I'm legitimately afraid of Tavaris Jackson and that juggernaut of a Viking offense.
  • And my personal rooting interest as a Giants fan: Arizona and Minnesota in the first round, Minnesota over Carolina in the second round, and let's face Tennessee in the Super Bowl. But the Steelers go as far as Roethlisberger's potentially stupid decisions will allow them, whether it's the Super Bowl or a second round loss to the Indy/SD winner.
  • Congrats to the Jets for making the right move and firing the Mangina. If I'm them, I go after the soon-to-be-fired Jon Gruden or for a young guy like Spagnuolo. And if I'm Spags, I make a point of only coming to the Jets if Brett Favre retires.
  • And I hate the Eagles as much as any red-blooded Giants fan, but I can't think of a team I've hated in sports as much as these Cowboys. So for the public gang-rape of the Cowgirls, this last part is for all the diehard SUS Eagle fans waiting for us to give their team some love:

May you guys lose by 56 to Minnesota Sunday evening.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

SUS Recycles the Best of 2008, Devo Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

Anyone remember the abomination of a season had by the '08 Yankees? Sure, it's been lost amongst the mess that is the Jets and Mets, but it wasn't pretty either. And hopefully this bitterness comes across in this article from September 21:

Top 10 things not said by John Sterling and Michael Kay in introducing ex-Yankee greats on this THE LAST NIGHT OF YANKEE STADIUM

10. This man was widely regarded as one of the all time great contact hitters, but many of you remember him as the man who once drank 64 beers on a cross country flight...Wade Boggs!

9. This man had one of the greatest moments in Yankee/Red Sox history until the ultimate 2004 collapse made it all moot. After his home run, one fateful game of pickup basketball made it possible for New Yorkers to find a target for all of their pent up anger...Aaron Boone!

8. Considered to have speed matched only by his selfishness, his greatest contributions to the Yankees occurred in 2007 when he, as a Mets assistant coach, almost singlehandedly ruined Jose Reyes' career...Rickey Henderson!

7. This man made a post-baseball career out of being stupid enough to create lovable sayings that make no sense...Yogi Berra!

6. Some would call this man a born winner and leader who helped return the Yankees to glory. I like to think of him the best masturbator the Mets' Bullpen ever saw...David Cone!

5. These next two Yankees were not great, but in fact represented the low point in the Steinbrenner Era. They are here tonight because a security guard was not doing his job...Alvaro Espinosa and Mel Hall!

4. Let's give a big FU to the Mets by welcoming back 2nd baseman, Willie Randolph!

3. Next, the man who so loved being a Yankee that in 1998, he decided to sign with the Yankees over the Red Sox because the Yankees offered more money...Bernie Williams!

2. This man is considered to be a true Yankee, part of the glory years, even though one has to look hard to find more than one or two big playoff moments associated with this man...Jorge Posada!

1. The man responsible for this being the last game in Yankee Stadium history...Joe Girardi!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

SUS Recyles the Best of 2008, White Boy South Bronx Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

When is White Boy South Bronx not a true South Bronxian? Or is it Bronxonian? You mean aside from when he's in his humble abode on the Upper East Side with neighbors he's seemingly known his whole life? Well about how when he's this motley crew of characters from his September 17 article:

Empathy (n)- The experiencing as one's own the feelings of another

Although my trusty electronic dictionary (for students grades 9 and up which I will give my favorite tutoring student today) lists "sympathy" as a synonym; rest assured that it is not. Sympathy involves feeling bad because of someone else's emotion but NOT experiencing those emotions as if they were in fact your own. So empathy then is a much stronger experience than sympathy. Now I will do my regular (as of last week) weekly post titled "What Grinds my Gears" but by directly experiencing the emotions of other fans.

(1) Brewers fans as told by White Boy South Madison- I always smile when I type, read or hear "Milwaukee" because I remember the great scene in Wayne's World when Alice Cooper shocks Wayne and Garth by bestowing upon them the knowledge that this city is named for the Algonquin (Native American tribe) word for "The Good Land". However, it is anything but a good land these days for me these days. If we finish again like we did last year, it would be an utter sports atrocity. This is because my main reason for waking up in the morning this season, Ben Sheets and C.C. Sabathia, are free agents this off season. This cheapskate ownership does not have the guts or desire to fork over the schekels, pounds or Yen, let alone dollars, to resign these two guys. We have to at least make the playoffs this year because our piece of crap owners won't give us another shot for a while. With sweeps at the hands of the plummeting Mets (more on them soon) and the surging Phils, we find ourselves without possession of a coveted spot in the Fall tournament for the first time in a while. I am still dealing with the devastating loss to the Giants last January and the frost bite I got from sitting in the stands with no shirt on that night. I can't deal with another devastating sports moment with the wounds from that night still so fresh.

(2) Browns fans, as told by White Boy South Columbus-Its bad enough that I have to drive 3 freaking hours just to go to Cleveland Browns stadium (what a great name though!) just to go to the games and sit amongst drunken idiots wearing dog suits. However, nothing is more gut wrenching then the continuous beatings we take at the hands of the Evil Steelers. I hate those fucking Black and Gold douchebags. First they hand us the most devastating loss since the fumble game in the 2003 playoffs. Then they go on a 10 game winning streak against us. With this in mind, it has been rare that we have ever gone deep into a game with a real chance of beating them, especially when facing those fuckers at home. WHY ROMEO, WHY!! Why on earth did you kick a field goal down 7 with under 4 minutes to go? You know you have a shitty defense. You know that you were moving the ball on the Stillers for the first time all game. You know that if you have any real shot at winning this game, you need to score a TD on this drive. It was 4th and 7 for goodness sakes! If it was 4th and 25 I would be more sympathetic (but not empathetic cause your a shitty coach and I can't stand you). If you don't trust your recently wealthy QB and superstar receiver to get you 7 yards in a big spot, what is the point of even showing up! Uggggh. Whatever, at least we have Lebron until he goes for the money with the Knicks.

(3) Jets Fans, as told by White Boy South Hampton- As SCHMUCK will tell you, we Jet fans are sick of always losing to the freaking Pats. So you could imagine my delight when, over lox and Bagels Monday Morning before jumping on the Merrick train to Penn Station en route to my big office at the law firm/big financial corporation/hospital, I read that Tom Brady was going to miss the entire season with a Torn ACL. My yamaka nearly flew right off my head I was so vaklempt!! I knew now that we were finally going to beat these guys Sunday at the Meadowlands. See I have to call it that because it makes me too sad when I call it "Giants stadium." However, with one errant Farve pass in the third quarter, the entire tone of the 2008 season changed. This was our chance to step up and take hold of the division for first time since the 2002 season. When Farve threw that absurd pass into the waiting arms of Brandon Meriweather, memories of last seasons 38-14 drubbing and the 9 previous consecutive home losses to Hoody and his band of cheaters flooded my brain like the words to the Melodic Ashrei prayer in the Torah do on Shabbat. Shortly after that pick, Cassel and company marched into the endzone and completely demoralized me and my fellow "-et's" fans. See, I call us -ET fans because we all root for the Mets and Jets instead of the Yankee and Giants. I guess that their great defense and our overrated and over-hyped QB made for another brutal day to be a fan of this historically losing team. Ugh!! At least we have the Mets' guaranteed playoff birth to look forward to?

4) Members of the liberal elite; as told by White Boy South Tribeca- As a gay/black/atheist man who went to Harvard undergrad and Yale Law school, I am offended by the strategy of Palin and Mccain of appealing to the apparently disenfranchised white working class. It is appalling that Mccain and Palin would try to appeal to the same group that the KKK has consistently reached its collective arm towards by conjuring up images of farmers from the plains, in the form of hockey moms of Alaska. This is clearly praying upon the fears of these Americans of the "other". As someone who fits into nearly every minority category in this country, I empathize (not sympathize) with fellow "others". It is clear to me, given my vast intelligence and flair for the cosmopolitan, that the world needs more cultured, learned and frankly bi-racial people in the Oval Office than that of Palin and Mccain. It is the view of this sophisticated and urbane man that being worldly and more scholarly than "average" Americans is not something to scorn but rather something to celebrate. We should expect more from our leaders than ourselves, not the same amount. After all, would you want your president to be someone who you could grab a beer with or someone you could have a glass of wine with while making fun of those who believe in some theory as utterly unfalsifiable as "Intelligent Design." I scoff at thee.

my hotel is not douche proof...

The complimentary hotel body wash here is called "gel de douche". I couldn't make that up if I wanted to. The people at the front desks must sponsor these because they are also huge douches. They tell you that you are being put on hold and being transferred to the concierge and then they hang up on you. This has happened to my girlfriend, "White Girl South Bronx" on three different occasions. Also a douche, the guy driving a lime green corvette down Ocean Drive. Okay we get it, you have more money than us, to quote Devo and Mahatma, CONGRAGULATIONS, YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG! Okay, I'll check in tomorrow evening with my 6 hour diary of NFL Sunday with an AFC east race slant.

The Knicks is back to being a horrible joke again...

Okay, maybe most non Knick and/or non NBA fans thought that the Knicks was still a joke. Its record was an unremarkable 11-14; and it had recorded a bad 5-11 record following a great 6-3 start. Still, there was reason for real hope coming off back to back very close losses against Western powers Phoenix and Los Angeles. However, now that modest and ironically impressive two game losing streak has become an embarrassing and frustrating 5 game losing skid. Tonight's loss really takes the cake though. Getting completely blown out at home to the 4-23 Wolves is beyond disgraceful. Even the Isiah Knicks would have lost this game by 4 or 5 or maybe even won it. I don't know who this Knicks team thinks it is but in no way is it good enough to ever take any team lightly. Even the great Giants failed miserably when doing so against Cleveland and Philly this season. Ugh. I am having a great time here in Miami but I guess seeing the Heat impressively blow away the Bulls in the 4th with a young promising team to showcase and then watching some of the Knicks game on NBA Broadband got me a bit peeved. I am done praising D'Antoni and thinking of this team as even a slight improvement over any in the past.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Mahatma drags himself away from the mall long enough to pick football games (20-13)

Tennessee Towel Stompers (+3) at Indianapolis Colts

Fuck the titans. Myron Cope will curse them. Except not this week. Colts rest Peyton WoManning and crew and the Thumbtacks win again.

Titans - 27
Colts - 10

Jacksonville Jagoffs (+12.5) @ Baltiwhore Ratbirds

The Jags were supposed to be good and in the playoffs. They are neither. Ironically, enough the Ravens were supposed to be bad and not in the playoffs. Shockingly, they are in the playoffs with a win. Sorry but no way this team gets that many points against still a quality D in the Jags. Still I see the Rats getting in.

Baltimore - 24
Jacksonville - 21

Must get more jersey tshirts...toodles!

The Brooklyn Hillbilly barely survives the year. His Week 17 picks.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh(-11, 33)
It doesnt matter what the line is, take the Steelers. Time to spend the next two weeks getting ready to score 13 points in the second round of the playoffs. Lets just hope the D only gives up 10. Steelers defeat the mighty Stains 27-10.

Denver at San Diego(-8, 50)
Denver is that bad and San Diego is rolling that well, thats what this line tells me. Look, I love the Broncos, but the immense choke job of the last 2 weeks is unforgivable. Neither of these teams really deserves to get to the playoffs, but apparantly one of them has to. I go with the mo'. Better luck next year Jay. San Diego euthanizes the Broncos season 31-28.

Devo looks down on you from his perch above .500 (17-15)

PHILLY (-1.5) over Dallas

I mean, Dallas shouldn't make the playoffs right? Should any team that has had as much chaos, infighting, and lousy coaching be allowed into the playoffs? Throw into the mix that Marion Barber may not play and that Roy Williams has finally announced that he's unhappy with his role in the offense, and it seems fitting that their season would end in crushing and embarrassing fashion in Philly, no? And with Roy Williams, isn't it about time that he got fed up with his role in the offense? You have Witten and T.O. fighting, and oh, by the way, one of the better receivers in football is not only your #3 option, but he's not getting as many looks as Amani Toomer. So Dallas, in a year in which you came into the year with more talent than any the most godforsaken place on Earth, The Linc.

Philly: 31
Dallas: 27

Carolina (-3) over NEW ORLEANS

When is a record not a record? (Dude, not only don't I care, but you're a retard.) When the record only gets set because it masks something worse. For example, Martin Brodeur has the single season NHL wins record, and I love that my boy is in the record books. But he only set the record because he played too many games during the regular season, wearing him out for the playoffs when the Devils (and as much as any individual, Brodeur) got served by the lower seeded Senators in the second round. Brodeur set the record because either A) Coach should have had more faith in the backup goalie or B) the backup goalie was so bad that Coach was justified in overplaying Marty and wearing him out. Point being, Brodeur's record only occurred because either the Devils backup sucked or the coach didn't know what he was doing. Had Marty played an appropriate amount of games, he wouldn't have the record, but he probably would have gotten to the NHL Finals before losing to Anaheim.

All of this is to say that Drew Brees may or may not break Marino's single season passing record, but one thing is clear: Brees would not have been able to get this record if the team had either a running game or a defense. I'm too lazy to do the research, but I'm pretty sure that if you look at the players with the most passing yards in a single game, you're going to see bad defenses requiring the offense to throw the ball more than they should. And if you talk to any Dolphins fan worth their weight in hot Miami ass, they'll tell you that throughout Marino's career, the Dolphins had no running game or defense. All of this is to say that yes, Drew Brees is a good quarterback, but if you gave him a good team, or at least Brandon Jacobs and Justin Tuck, he'd have Eli Manning's passing totals. To condense what I just said into one bulletpoint: this phrase means that the Saints suck. And the Panthers don't.

Carolina 27
Drew Brees 21

SUS Recyles the Best of 2008, Brooklyn Hillbilly Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

Here, BH reminds us of the D-Wade/Star Jones relationship, because he's a firm believer in the "If my holiday is going to blow, yours should too" school of thought. Without further ado, from May 2, 2008:

We've all been there. You're at the bar around closing time or at a party that's winding down with some smooth music. You're having a drunken conversation(shouting match) with your boys, or are chatting up a fine 'lil chiquita. You notice out of the corner of your eye another of your buddies drunkenly, sloppily, making out with-IS THAT A MAN!? Everyone does a double take. No, its not a guy, it is a horrendously ugly woman. So grotesque that there is no humor in letting him go home with her to wake up to a terminal case of coyote arm. The "woman" in question probably looked something like this:

The shame of this kind of hook-up can never be washed off, and you could never look your boy in the eye again, knowing you failed him in your manly duty. When on the hunt, men have to look out for each other, it is a solemn obligation to prevent each other from making major mistakes. In caveman times, when a tribe went out hunting, the group wouldn't let a hunter go off by himself to eat an obviously sick, elderly and disease-ridden animal when there was healthier prey available, they worked together. And todays hunting grounds are no different. A "cockblock" is usually a bad thing, thrown by a jealous friend of the shorty you are conversing with who isn't getting enough attention or by said shorty's 6'6" 350lb boyfriend. Well, that second one is a cockblock or Aggravated Assault, depending on how many stitches you need. Regardless, sometimes a man needs to throw a cockblock to prevent a bad situation (buddy leading off second base) from getting worse (RBI and a lifetime of regret).

Now, if you haven't figured out yet, this post is directed at Dwyane Wade. Ive heard some nasty rumors about this nominally married man and who has been picking him up at the American Airlines Arena after home games. Evidently he and the skeeze known as Star Jones have been seeing a lot of each other lately. D-Wade's pathetic denial on TNT makes it pretty clear that something is going on. (Editor's note: the youtube of this has been taken down. Oops.)


Yes, all Jews either do a movie and Chinese or South Florida and SUS just furthers this stereotype

Weird thing with movie and chinese food on Christmas. For my family, I don't remember doing this very often. But frankly, the last few years, this movie/chinese food stereotype seems to have exploded and my parents and I gave it a collective "well what the hell's so bad about that?" look. All of this is to say that if everyone's going to assume that we're going to see a good flick and eat some Sesame Chicken, who are we not to oblige?

A little about my movie taste-I love this time of year. The comedies are usually lacking, but I'd prefer a drama with a good story to Indiana Jones and the Lost Hearing Aid of Doom or Spiderman vs. Superman any day. In a nutshell, I love this time of year, and get ready for a few weeks from now when I movie-hop my way into Gran Torino, Milk, and Slumdog Millionaire. But as for yesterday, went to see Frost/Nixon in Bridgewater because even though it was a half hour away, I couldn't get myself psyched up to see Slumdog or Valkyrie. (Plus, Mom is still offended as a psychoanalyst by Tom Cruise's psychology remarks. My parents don't hold grudges, unless it's Tom Cruise talking about psychology or Wade Phillips saying "The better team lost," but I digress...)

But we had to go all the way to the Garden State Plaza mall in Paramus, NJ to find Frost/Nixon, but what a find! Oh, the movie was great, but I'll get to that in a second. The 16-plex movie theater in Paramus is perfect for movie hopping. My usual movie-hop locale has been Jersey Gardens in Elizabeth, but the problem with that place is that you're basically divided into two areas so that you only have a choice of 8 movies. And you don't know which 8 movies until you buy your first ticket. But GS Plaza? You have your choice of all 16 movies. Viva unemployment and hello 3 movies on a Wednesday!

I was a U.S. History major in college with a focus on 20th century. I love nothing more than seeing moments that I lived through turned into film. I loved The Queen, as un-hetero as I thought that movie was going to be, and I loved Frost/Nixon. Another great performance by Michael Sheen, who has now played Tony Blair and David Frost. Frank Minghella will probably get nominated for an Oscar for playing Nixon, but the great performances went beyond them. My favorites were Sam Rockwell, who played a very liberal anti-Nixon college professor as well as Kevin Bacon, playing Nixon's Silent Majority-Gay-Lovechild. I don't know how much of it was true or not; my guess is that most of it was true, and the final result definitely was legit, but it was just very good political drama the whole time. And the timing of a movie about a president accused but not convicted of crimes put on trial in front of the US public is about as coincidental as the surge in the Giants rushing game upon Jacobs' return.

And the Chinese food was good too.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry (Jewish) Christmas!

In the grand tradition of Jews unattached to non-Jews on Christmas, I spent the day at the movies and eating Chinese food with my parents. We have been going to the movies on Christmas day since way back when my mom, sister and me saw The Little Mermaid (1989). That first year has been hard to beat, but we have come close with gems like Little Women (1994), Anna and the King(1999) and Juno (2007). There have been misses, Kate and Leopold (2001) for one, but it is usually a really nice way to spend the day. We recently added in the Chinese food, because my dad has started coming along.

This year, I picked Slumdog Millionaire because I had heard great things about it, both from critics and friends. The movie is about an orphaned boy who is on the Indian Who Wants to be a Millionaire? It takes place in present day Mumbai with flashbacks to the boy's troubled childhood. This is an inspiring movie, but you have to be ready to deal with the shit (literally, you'll see what I mean) that he and his brother go through as they try to make their way in various slums of India. I won't go into anymore detail, but the music is awesome and there's a fabulous Bollywood-esque dance number at the end.

We finished off the evening at Cathay 22 in Springfield, NJ. Cocktails, a pupu platter (spare ribs were awesome), orange crispy chicken and a shrimp dish made for some great Jewish Christmas eats. I don't even think Ralphie and his family could have that one beat...


My favorite Christmas movie is It's a Wonderful Life and I'm so glad that NBC put it on tv on Christmas Eve night. If I don't get choked up everytime Harry Bailey comes into George's house and says, "A toast to my brother George, the richest man in town," there's something VERY wrong.

Happy Hanukah/Merry Christmas!


Week 17 Picks (15-13): Live from the home of the 2008 AFC East Champions

Lets just say if I was referring to the Jets, I would need not say I was "live from the home..." because that is where I live. Therefore, unless I decided to go on vacation to shitown up north, I must be referring to the Chad Pennington lead Miami Dolphins. Anyway, here we go............

New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills (+7)- Call it a hunch. Call it a premonition. Call it hoping against hope that I get to go to a sports bar here in Miami for a Jets/Dolphins virtual play in game. Either way, Matt Casell has not proven that he is a lock to play well every week. This Pats team has been very similar to the Giants of last year's regular season. It has won 2/3 of its game but has lost those 5 in ugly fashion. I can't just assume the Pats will walk into Buffalo and beat the same team that just embarrassed the should be AFC West champion Broncos. I just think the Bills will be motivated to eliminate the Pats and that Cassell will have one final crash back down to earth before he takes over as the Lion's franchise QB. THE PICK: BUFFALO (To win outright 17-13)

New York Giants (+6) at Minnesota Vikings- So we got nothing to play for. I know this. I also know that Minnesota has a bad history of December choke jobs. However, I aslo know that Darren Sharper owns Eli's soul. However, I see a Steelers vs Bills 04 scenario unfolding here (Willie's breakout game.) A great team that is deep beating a team who is tight as a drum in its own stadium. Also, New York has won its last 2 games there as this has been a largely away dominated series historically. My guess is the Giants win a close game that is fairly low scoring.
THE PICK: NEW YORK GIANTS (To win outright 21-17)

Corporate Stoogery Volume 4: Dos and Donts of the Holiday Party

Hello cubicle dwellers and welcome to another installment of corporate stoogery. Since we have last spoke, times are indeed quite different. The economy has apparently shat itself leaving filth and excrement all over the place. Gone are raises, bonuses and holiday gift giving. Gone also are your savings and bank accounts. But don’t worry those CEOs are still making their millions and laying off idiots like you and I so they can keep their profit margins and eating those fine steaks.

Alas, times are indeed quite rough so keeping your current shitty job is of the utmost importance. Especially when companies are looking to rid themselves of you and your frivolous salary. One such instance is the office holiday party. For some the xmas holiday party is one big jerk off. For others it’s grounds to get fired. That’s why I’m here to help guide you on ways of the office holiday party so you can enjoy the same shitty hours and steady yet low paycheck for the next year. Granted this is probably late for all of you so if you got fired already, you can get your money back from Devo at straightupsports@gmail.com.

Do: Drink something. I mean look it’s going to probably be very akward. It’s not like you really like the people you work with anyway. So have a drink or two and atleast pretend you like these people.

Don’t: Drink too much unless of course your boss has left and its just you and the 20 somethings. That’s the only way this will be a fun party. Mahatma recommends to get fashionably drunk once all those Jersey/Westchesterites leave for their various buses.

Do: Eat something. Look that alcohol is good but you don’t want to be the guy/gal puking in the bathroom.

Don’t: Eat too much that you have dipping sauce on your shirt.

Do: Socialize with the office hottie

Don’t: hit on the office hottie unless she/he starts it.

Do: Talk to the clients if they come

Don’t: talk to them too much because really you will look like a big douche.

Do: Tell your coworker (if you like them that is) to stop dancing if he/she is looking like a walking cackle of orangutans.

Don’t: dance unless you are a good dancer. And most notably, you probably aren’t a good dance. Yea sure your friends said you were good but honestly, they are just being nice. Didn’t you see the Seinfeld? Yea don’t be like that.

Do: Say you and the office hottie got something going on by all means rock out

Don’t: do the same if your coworkers refer to this person as Shim.

Do: Eat something. That caterer is there for a reason and really drinking on an empty stomach is the smartest idea in the world.

Don’t: Eat too much that you spill that empanada dipping sauce all over your nice shirt/dress

Do: Meet your coworker’s family. Look you might as well. I’m sure they are nice people.

Don’t: hit on your bosses 18 yr old daughter/son or wife/husband. (unless well you can't do any better)

Do: Say something to your boss

Don’t: Do not have an excessive dialogue about the company's forward thinking strategy in this new age recession.

Do: talk to people

Don’t: talk to them about work. Seriously. Stop.

Happy holidays folks!

SUS Recyles the Best of 2008, MissMet Edition

We at SUS like to think of ourselves as two things: 1) lazy and 2) um, let me see....ah hell, we're really just lazy. As such, we're taking the Christmas to New Years period to show our new readers what they may have missed over the last year in a segment we like to call SUS RECYCLES THE BEST OF 2008.

First up, MissMet takes us back to a more innocent time, when the weather was warm and the Mets were simply one-time chokers. Without further ado, from May 29, 2008:

MissMet On the Spot- Mets Turn the Season Around?

Last night, I went to the Mets game with some friends and we got a great show. At the start of the game, the team was 1-1 since the Big Meeting between Ownership and Management in regards to Willie Randolph's tenure with the organization. Tuesday night's win was solid. Santana pitched well and the team hit, getting help from the bullpen and the bench players. Let's not forget about those players that are now starting due to injuries galore aaand Carlos Delgado. With Ollie Perez on the mound, I was slightly pessimistic, due to his erratic throwing over his past few starts.

When we got to Shea (Katie and I weren't alone this time, so at least the Mets had that going for them), I noticed the starting line-up over the Will Call Windows. Normally, it features 'baseball cards' with the Mets that are starting in their batting order. Two of the cards were blank tonight and I was trying to figure out which newbies were taking over for the two injured outfielders. Turned out it was Nick Evans and Fernando Tatis, who just happened to be one of last night's heroes. Before meeting up with some other friends, Katie and I browsed the Mets Clubhouse Shop and found our fair share of awesomely cheesy items, but more on those later.

The game started off very well, with Rusty Staub pulling off the number 9 in the 59 to show that yes, there are only 58 (regular season) games left at Shea. Ollie got the (first place!) Marlins out in order in the 1st and then the Mets came out with some HOT BATS in the bottom of the inning. 2-0 after 1. Then, Ollie got them out 1-2-3 in the 2nd and it went through my mind- I will be present during not only the first Mets no-hitter, but a perfect game (honestly, this goes through my head when I leave my house in order to get to any Mets game, but getting the first 6 out only fuels this ridiculous fire). Either way, this didn't happen, because the first of many Marlins home runs was hit in the top of the 3rd. It was ok though, the Mets were winning and my friends were having fun. They enjoy baseball, but are not crazy like me. We were partaking in the songs and the cheers. We were eating the yummy ball park foods.

Then, the other shoe dropped. Ollie gave up his 3rd home run of the night and 2nd to some Marlin, whose name I don't even care about (oops, bitter) and the Mets were losing. After I became able to speak in words that weren't expletives, my friends tried to pep me up. 'There's still time' they said, 'this doesn't mean its over' they pleaded. They haven't really been through the trauma that Mets fans go through, so I was only half-believing them. I obviously felt there was glimmer of hope though, they all left after the 8th and I stayed. I mean, there was hardly any booing tonight. Aaron Heilman pitched 2 hitless innings. There seemed to be something special going on. Then Endy 'the catch' Chavez hit a game-tying home run in the 9th inning!! Amazing and awesome.

We were onto extra innings. After the 10th, I told myself that I'd stay through the 11th, no matter what. With the game still tied after 11, I bolted for the Southside Parking lot, so that I could at least hear the end. By the time I got to my car, the top of the 12th was over, and the Marlins were ahead again. Thankful that I missed that home run, I started my trek back to Jersey. I heard David Wright get a walk. I heard Carlos Beltran single while David was in motion, sending him to second. Along the Grand Central Parkway, I heard Damion Easley strike out. Then, across the Triboro Bridge, I heard Tatis double in the tying and winning runs. I let out a whoop as I got into the Bronx, but I also wished I was there. I've never seen a walk-off win in person, and I would have loved to last night.

All regrets aside, last night's win was fantastic. I don't think this team would have come back from being down twice in the 9th and the 12th 2 weeks ago. The whole team won the game, and the bullpen kicked ass.

As they play the Dodgers this weekend, let's hope the Mets take the hard work they've put into the series against the Marlins and run with it...

Awesomely Cheesiest Souvenirs at the Club House Shop
David Wright's picture surrounded by hearts on a necklace (also available in Jose Reyes)
'Diamond' studded NY on a Mets hat
Mets hat with flames
Any pink Mets paraphernalia
If I see anyone with any of these items, I will first be happy that they are Mets fans, but then laugh at their poor taste.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Refs be trippin yo!

Nice arm by the ref here, I have to say, but this is a getting a little crazy. Refs should be seen and not heard(like children and wives) until the play is over. Is it really that hard to get out of the way? The guy below apparently thinks so.

An honest question from an ignorant jew

Ok, so we in Western Civilization have a calendar that is based on the birth of Jesus, right? If that is the case, shouldn't Jesus' birthday be on January 1? One theory that has come to light: a jewish person I know said that he got circumsized on January 1 and that has something to do with it. And then my girl Julie said that Jesus was born in the summer, possibly sharing a July 4th birthday with George Steinbrenner and America. For what it's worth, I think she was confused: Jesus was born in summer-LIKE conditions, as the Middle East in December feels like Canada in August.

But more importantly, can someone please provide an explanation as to why January 1 isn't Christmas? Looking your way, Solo. Though if anyone else has an answer or a funny theory, please step forward.