Friday, March 14, 2008

Is this funny?

So one of my friends suggests that this is dope:

Honestly, i don't know what to think. Please SUS nation, help me form an opinion.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Wade Boggs!

This has to be my favorite video of all time. Based on a true story, (Maybe) it's the story of how Wade Boggs traveled back in time to help his good friend Dan Marino win the Super Bowl. It's a bit long, but completely worth it. Enjoy!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Be Careful What You Ask For...

I have to say, that is one of the most enjoyable videos Ive seen in a while. Not only do you get to see a meathead get owned, he got destroyed by this punch. Heres a bonus video of a little kid getting knocked the fuck out.

Angry White Man Returns

Hanging out at Starbucks in suburban Jersey today, doing some work on SUS' inevitable world conquest when I saw 2 girls who were between the ages of 12 and 15 (or just a little late in coming into womanhood) sit a few tables away from me. (Devo, we know, you proceeded to spend the next two hours undressing them with your eyes. This isn't news. This is a day that ends in "Y" as far as you're concerned. Why do we care about this?) Hey, shut up ok? No but seriously, 3 things about this bothered me:

1. It was 11:30 am on a Thursday. Shouldn't these girls have been in class?

2. They were drinking coffee. Am I the only person who thought that maybe 5% of coffee drinkers started drinking it before college?

3. They had razr phones. I know this is nothing new, but it still bothers me that young'uns are given cell phones at such young ages.

At this pace Devo Jr., whenever it comes into existence is definitely going to military school. Just sayin.

On the plus side, big ups to the youngun reading a book by Karl Marx in the library. Say what you want about the tenets of socialism, but at least it's an ethos, unlike the girls who were probably sending "ROFL" texts back and forth to each other.

"And he'll go to the grave as an angry old man..."

Some follow up on Spitzer's goomah

First off, I feel that we at SUS would be failing in our duties as a NY sports blog if we didn't give you Spitzer Chick's Myspace page.

Next props to the good state of New Jersey, for being able to add Kristen to our long list of celebrities. Yup, Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Piscopo, Kristen.

Kristen, as she was known in an FBI affidavit outlining a Feb. 13 tryst with the governor, grew up Ashley Youmans in Belmar and attended Wall High School. She's now an aspiring singer who lives in Manhattan and goes by the name Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

Props to, using its Scott Templeton-like journalism skills to write a feature on Kristen's life based on her myspace bio.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

"Kristen" Revealed

So, it finally happened. Not the Governor resigning, that was overdue and bound to happen. No, the mystery Delilah to former-Governor Spitzer's Sampson was finally revealed to the light today. Here's her utterly fictitious ad:

Not bad. A swimsuit model who enjoys "civilized pursuits" such as screwing random men for $1,000/hour. Clearly not your average girl. The Post did some background and she is evidently some 22-year old former singer who is on her third set of last names and has been living the high class call girl life with a nice pad in the Flatiron District. She had evidently gone through some hard times the last few years, bouncing around the country before ending up in the city "for my music". Her $1k/hour rate placed her at about a 3.5 out of 7 diamonds on the Emperor Club VIP pay scale, which tops out at $4,300/hour. I don't think I have ever seen a woman I would pay $4,300 to have sex with, but maybe that's just because I'm poor. But this girl is pretty hot, easily nabbing an 8.6 on The Brooklyn Hillbilly's notoriously stingy rating system, so I'd say she met plenty of other guys $1k standards. Enjoy the hooker pics....


To the average NFL fan (excluding all Jet fans) it would seem that the Jets are throwing away a lot of money this offseason. What’s strange is that this is the same team and front office (I mean you Tannenbaum) who wouldn’t give Pete Kendall a $1 million raise so they opted to trade him instead (and look what developed, no run game). Ok, so maybe they’re trying to make up for their mistakes. Now as a loyal Jet fan I can’t lie and say I’m not excited by the talent that’s been brought in. But I wouldn’t disagree with most saying that the Jets are wasting money. Here’s my analysis/grading scale of the offseason transactions so far (Scale - GIGGIDY, OK, EH, WTF!):

KRIS JENKINS - $30 million/5yr with $11 million guaranteed

Shmuck – Once was considered the top DT in all of football but now he’s 29 years old and could be at the end of his prime. I just can’t believe a man is getting paid to make weight ($25,000/10 times during the season)! He’s definitely an upgrade over Dewayne Robertson but has injury and character issues. If he can start rocking the subway diet and get back down from 400 to a respectable 330-340lbs then I think he’ll do just fine
Grade - OK

ALAN FANECA - $40 million/5yr with $21 million guaranteed

Shmuck – Ok, so he’s no Steve Hutchinson but seriously, come on, Adrian Clarke? I’ll take anyone over that guumba, so why not the best LG in free agency? DaBrick and Mangold need veteran experience around them. It’d be stupid if Tangina decided to draft one and just place him in between the 2.

CALVIN PACE - $42 million /6yr with $22 million guaranteed

Shmuck – Who the hell is Calvin Pace? Honestly I didn’t know who he was until I googled him (and I think so did some of the Jet players). He’s had one good year playing in the 3-4 defense and the Jets paid him like a 7 time pro-bowler. The upside is he’s young and doesn’t have a track record of injuries.
Grade - WTF!

DAMIEN WOODY - $25.5 million /5yr with $11 million guaranteed

Shmuck – I imagine it’s not an easy transition to move from guard to tackle. Jets paid Woody like he’s played right tackle all his life but in reality it was only for 5 games last season for the Lions. He provides a lot of experience but he too is overweight. I wonder if he gets the same weight plan deal as does Jenkins. But he’s another upgrade over Anthony Clement. Personally, I’d rather have them draft Jake Long if he is available but its obvious Tangina aren’t taking any chances.
Grade – Eh?


Shmuck – The Jets seem to like ex-Titan cornerbacks (A.Dyson endorses Plaxico for President). A former 1st round pick, Woolfolk could be the #2 behind Darrelle Revis. I think Asante Samuel is flat out overrated and I’m glad the Jets didn’t sign him. Hopefully Woolfolk will pan out better than his ex recent departed teammate Andre “I can’t tackle dick” Dyson.
Grade: OK

TONY RICHARDSON – 1 yr deal, money not disclosed

Shmuck – I actually like this signing. He’s led the way for Priest Holmes, Larry Johnson, Chester Taylor and Adrian Peterson. All these guys have rushed for more than 1,000 yds in a season during that tenure. But I will say that where ever Tony was, there was also an outstanding offensive line (Roaf, Shields-KC/ McKinnie, Hutchinson, Birk-MINN). So hopefully the Jets can add DaBrick, Faneca and Mangold to his list.

– Traded to New Orleans Saints for a 2009 conditional pick

Shmuck – I’ll be honest, I actually hated this move. I understand Vilma wasn’t thriving in the 3-4 but he only played 1.5 years in the system. His leadership and playmaking abilities were a need on defense and they just traded it away. I don’t think Vilma could be an OLB in the 3-4 and rush the passer, he’s too undersized. But maybe playing along David Harris in the middle he could have performed better? But the Jets have a track record of letting former 1st rounders go and eventually we all saw this coming. All I know is these transactions better work or Tangina will have hell to pay
Grade: WTF!

– Possible Trade to Cincinnati Bengals for 4th and 5th picks

Shmuck – It’s a shame that a former top 5 pick that missed a couple games in his 4 year career and has a great motor and work ethic gets the Jets 2 second day picks. Its mind boggling to me and apparently that was the best deal out there. If they can restructure his contract then I say hold on to him and move him to RE. Who knows, he might flourish.
Grade: Eh?

Now that the Jets have gone all Redskin-like in the free agent pool here’s a list of shit they didn’t fix from their tumultuous spending:

1. Securing Kerry Rhodes to a long term deal should of have been their first priority. He’s a restricted free agent next year and I’d hate to see a team offer him an outrageous offer like that of Steve Hutchinson’s.
2. Although Laverneus Coles is not considered a #1 WR to some, he still is a factor when healthy on the field and he plays hard and hurt a lot. He’s a good mentor to Jericho Cotchery. With a high 2nd round draft pick they can look to select one of the speedy big-target WR’s (preferably James Hardy) to complement Coles. Give him the money Tangina!
3. I love Leon Washington. He’s a playmaker with game-changing ability and deserves to be on this team. Jets would have a dangerous duo on kickoffs once Justin Miller returns. But like Rhodes, he’ll be in a contract situation after this season and his talents would be highly coveted by other teams in the league, not just on special teams.
4. Quarterback controversy! Of the free agent quarterbacks none of them really was worth acquiring. So I don’t really blame them for not going out and signing someone to compete for the job. I’d like to see what Pennington & Clemens can do with a better offensive line and another good receiving target. But they’ll look real stupid after another losing season and lack of performance from the most important position in the game.
5. Special Teams coach Westhoff is out for the year battling cancer in his leg. He’s certainly one of the best as for years the Jets have had a real good special teams unit. They need to find someone suitable to fill his spot
6. Defensive Coordinator Sutton still has a job miraculously. Apparently the reason for the improved defensive play towards the last 6 games of the season was in result of Mangenius making the play calls. It’s not good if you and your coordinators are not on the right page.

Overall, these transactions have gotten me very excited for the upcoming season. I couldn’t even give a shit about baseball right now. Other than the Devils I can’t think of another sports franchise that I’ve rooted for as long as the Jets. But I’m not a hypocrite. I’ve proudly stated that I dislike teams who spend money and buy championships (Yankees, Red Sox, Redskins (no championships) etc.). I just hope the Jets aren’t falling into this category because it sure as hell looks like it. Because I want my money back for being on the season ticket waiting list!

MissMet's Reality Round-Up

Ah, hello there. Spring training is in full swing, the Met pitchers are starting to get on track, the MASH unit that was the starting line-up is slowly regrouping. We still have awhile before Opening Day though, so I'm gonna focus on some other stuff.
With the Writers' Strike over, it really is a matter of time before most of the excellent TV shows come back. Still, I have been occupying myself with some of that other TV in the past few months. Yes, I have been filling my weekend nights with The Biggest Loser, American Idol and Project Runway. I know that there are those of you who actually loathe some or all of these shows, but let me tell you why I think one of them is excellent entertainment. I might even get the sports fan in you interested. My best bet is The Biggest Loser: Couples. Here's the skinny (tee hee):
The Basics: On this show, fatties become skinnies. Notties become hotties. The underdog becomes the front-runner. How do you like that concept, sports fans? Ten teams of two (marrieds, friends, strangers) compete against each other to lose the most percentages of weight in a week. The ten teams of two slowly are whittled down to two teams of six. The two teams of six become eight individuals, but there are always surprises. Last night, the two previously eliminated contestants (one guy, one girl) that lost the highest percentage of weight at home were brought back to the competition! Challenges, game-play, temptations and weigh ins ensue. The Biggest Loser wins $250,000. He/she also gets about 20 years added onto their life.
Why Guys Might Like It: The competition is fierce and this season especially has a bunch of crazy men from the blue team who think they are on some sort of professional team (even now, as they are competing as individuals). Said men talk about how they are all brothers now (well, two of them actually are). They also 'bring it in' and say 'PRIDE' after each work-out and challenge, and got PRIDE tattoos on a prize trip to Vegas.... Did I mention that they're all changing their lives by losing a ton of weight? You also might think that the host Allison Sweeney is hot....
Why Guys Might Not Like It: There's a lot about emotions and overcoming problems with food. There's LOTS of drama. Next week is the (fantastic) makeover episode, where the contestants get new looks to go with their new bodies, guest starring Tim Gunn. Boys might also squirm at the blue teams' ridiculous amount of tears when they have to vote one of their men off. Honestly, its like they're going to have to walk the plank or something. You might be scared by the trainer Jillian Michaels, because she can beat you up. I am certain of this.
The Best Episode Will Be: The finale, probably sometime in April. All the voted off contestants will get weighed in. They will all look AMAZING. The Biggest Loser at home gets $100,000. The final three or four contestants get weighed in and are shells of their former selves. One of the women on last season lost about half of her body weight.

Did I convince you? Meh, probably not, but it was still fun for me to find a way to link television to sports and write about it.

Looking at the Atlantic Division Realpolitik Style

Here at Straight Up Sports, we’re proud of our diversity. I’m not referring to the fact that we have 1 indian kid and a girl mixed in with a bunch of white guys. (Big ups to our two tok- er, Mahatma and MissMet for helping us avoid a discrimination lawsuit) I’m referring, of course, to our NHL allegiances. Mahatama, Yinzer, and BH are Penguins fans, White Boy is something of an Isles guy, SHMUCK., MissMet, and myself are Devil fans, and no one likes the Rangers.

With that said, I now present The Superpowers of the Atlantic Division as they relate to our geopolitical state of affairs:


Devils/America[1] America’s team, which now plays in America’s City, Newark, New Jersey. Let’s face it; we in America are winners. (World Wars I & 2, War on Christmas) Is America a team that wins one championship every 54 years?[2] Are they a country that wins a few consecutive times only to become unimportant for many years after?[3] No, we’re a country that is always among the best.[4] And we settle for nothing less than excellence.[5] No matter who makes up the US populace, they possess the finest qualities in all of man; interchangeable parts who create nothing but the finest in everything the world has to offer.[6] We’re so good at what we do that we’re hated by everyone else in the world, mostly out of envy.[7]


Rangers : Al-Qaeda The main enemies of the U.S., different from Iran if only because they’re slightly more hated on the world stage because they don’t have oil to sell. They have severely damaged the U.S. over the years in ridiculously painful ways.[8] But the U.S. has won its share of battles[9], even if some of them are less heralded[10]. Everyone in the U.S. absolutely hates them and has nothing nice at all to say to them.[11]

Flyers: Iran Hated by the U.S., and most others almost as much as Al-Qaeda, it really just depends on who is in the news. They made us look bad in the Hostage Crisis[12] but we’ve won all of the large battles with them over the years[13] and have no intention of stopping now. They also have the worst chant in all of sports and some of the most obnoxious, drunk fans when they come to America.[14]

Islanders: Turkey I’m pretty sure the U.S. doesn’t like them. I’m pretty sure they don’t like the U.S. Yet our mutual hatred, mostly of Al-Qaeda, finds us hoping that Turkey does some of the dirty work for us so that we don’t have to.

Pittsburgh: Kurds They’re really the only group in the area outside of Israel that the U.S. actually likes. If someone has to rule the Middle East, it might as well be them.[15] Without knowing any Kurds personally, I would guess that their people don’t actually like Americans, because frankly, nobody does in that region.[16]

[1] Fuck yeah!

[2] Rangers

[3] Everyone else

[4] 3 stanley cups victories, 4 stanley cup appearances, in 12 years.

[5] A coaching change any time we start slacking, or April rolls around, whichever comes first.

[6] Losing seemingly 8,000 key players to free agency and staying in the Cup chase.

[7] A Bruins announcer, when the Devils played them in the ’03 playoffs, was heard saying ‘If the Devils win the Stanley Cup playing this style, it will set back hockey 20 years.’ We won, and we might have set the game back, but fuck them just the same. America Rules!

[8] Playoff losses in ’94, ’97, kidnapping and brainwashing Scott (Judas) Gomez

[9] ’05-06 1st round of the playoffs. Before that they were a laughingstock from ’97-’98 through ’03-04.

[10] Bruce Driver, John MacLean and Bobby Holik all left the Devils for the Rangers and SUCKED.

[11] Was there a more disgusting picture than seeing Gomez and Drury walking on Broadway? Not for this BU Grad/Devils fan.

[12] ’03-04 1st round playoff defeat

[13] Conference Finals defeats in ’95, ’99-’00 seasons. Stevens’ effectively ending Lindros’ career.

[14] These last two have absolutely no relevance to Iran. I don’t think Iran allows alcohol. But have you HEARD the ‘Let’s Go Fly-ers’ chant where your voice rises an octave during the ‘ers’? Awful. Just awful.

[15] Don’t tell Mahatma, but I actually like the Pens. Very respectable up and coming team.

[16] See Mahatma’s many references to the Devils as the “Fagvils.”

Things We Want but Shouldn't Have

We watch movies, tv, read books and magazines and we always see stuff that looks really cool and think “you know, it would be awesome to have one of those things.” But what are those “things” that we want to have? Well I’ve come up with a few and wonder “would it be really good to have?” And the answer is no, and here is why.


Why we want it: It’s quite possibly the coolest weapon ever in both reality and fiction. You deflect lasers, can swing it with ease cause the blade weighs nothing, and frankly you can ruin anyone’s shit with it.
Why we shouldn’t have it: Let’s face it- we’re gonna hurt ourselves. I’m not talking a “you’ll poke your eye out” kind of hurt, I’m talking a “we’re going to chop off our fucking leg” kind of hurt. We’re more than likely going to ruin our own shit before we ruin anyone elses.

Dr. Evil’s Table of Death

Why we want it: You have all your minions around you and if they piss you off you hit a button, their chair bends back and they fall into a pit of fire solving one of your problems. No mess, no evidence, quite efficient.
Why we shouldn’t have it: It has to cost a pretty penny and you’re going to need a big room under the table to hold that pit. The gas bill is going to be killer, and none of that budget shit either. And you’ll be wanted for murder and that’s never good.

Flying Delorean Time Machine

Why we want it: It’s a Delorean. It flies. It goes through time. And if you got the Mr. Fusion fuel device you can use garbage to fuel your car. Why wouldn’t you want it?
Why we shouldn’t have it: Don’t deny it, we’re going to fuck the timeline up royally. I’m talking the way Mr. T fucked up Rocky in their first encounter. Yeah our world is messed up, but just imagine if we messed it up more…

A Boomerang

Why we want it: Its like a frisbee, but it comes back. And you can hit people with it. Plus it’s Australian and that means it’s cool!
Why we shouldn’t have it: Because we’re going to watch like it’s in slow motion as that boomerang comes back at us, raise our hand to catch it and subsequently miss and get smacked in the face. Then everyone around us will point and laugh in the Nelson voice as we walk away with our head down in shame.

That Hot Chick in our Office Building

Why we want it: She’s hot, what do you think we want?
Why we shouldn’t have it: Yeah, she’s got herpes

The X-Inch Screen Monster TV

Why we want it: It’s up to 150” now but it will get bigger. I mean, how can you not want a tv of that size?
Why we shouldn’t have it: Sports on a screen that big, just imagine…. I cant think of anything other than that good or bad. Just one massive tv on football Sunday…. Well it would probably bankrupt us poor folk, but wouldn’t it be worth it?

Rosie O’Donnell to Shut up Already

Why we want it: Obvious
Why we shouldn’t have it: None. She really needs to shut up already.

A Clone

Why we want it: We’ll use it to go to work, do our chores or anything else we don’t want to do while we sit back, relax and enjoy life.
Why we shouldn’t have it: I have a strict no-clone policy, and there is a reason. See, the clone is sentient and while at first it may do what you say, eventually it’s going to realize it’s a slave and rebel. And by rebel I mean put a bullet in our head when we’re not paying attention. It’s going to kill us and takeover our life, it’s the way it always ends up. How do I know? Because it’s what I’d fucking do that’s why. And I’m not ending up with a bullet in my head when I’m harmlessly perusing internet porn.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Breaking Down the Giants Announcers SUS Style

Bob Papa

White Boy:
A- A very technically sound, accurate and fair announcer. Papa is a breath of fresh air from the over the top homers that fill the local National Football League airwaves around the nation. He sounds almost as excited when the opposing team does something extraordinary as he does when his Giants pull off a great play. However, he adds just an extra tinge of passion to his calls of Giants victories and/or great plays which is enough to let his listeners know where his loyalties lie. He has a solid though not trailblazing voice. Most of all, Papa knows his Giants and football history and is very good about keeping up with the confusing penalty calls or challenged plays. Although he is not quite at that special tier of announcing, he is a fine play by play man and I hope he remains with the G-men into the foreseeable future.

Devo: A- It seems like he's covered the Giants for my entire Giants career. (Or White Boy's Giants Career plus 3 seasons.) But he's only been at it since 1995. He's one of those announcers that I love simply because I always associate his voice with my team. As a play-by-play guy, he's pretty good; not Marv Albert, certainly not John Stereling. He tends to suffer from Ian Eagle Syndrome: he raises his voice and gets overly excited during anything close to a big play. But I'm okay with that because I tend to get the same way when the Giants are involved.

Carl Banks

This is one of Carl's lesser moments:

White Boy: B+
Carl is a funny guy. His back and forth tussles with Joe Benningo on WFAN’s mid day show about the Knicks should be sent to the broadcasting hall of fame for their sheer entertainment value. Although Carl is a huge Knicks (if not Isaiah) homer, he does a good job of remaining fairly neutral during the Giant’s broadcasts. This is not necessarily an easy task for someone who spent most of his career with the Giants. Banks occasionally spouts off truisms like “they came to play today” or “who wants it more?” Still, he generally is good at breaking down a game and getting into the mindset of the player on the field. He just needs to stop defending the aforementioned Knicks GM; though I guess if James Dolan isn’t going to stop defending him, why should I expect Banks too? Still, Carl is a solid analyst who adds a lot to the broadcast.

Devo: B+
As an analyst, he’s pretty good. He tends to point out certain things about the game that only an ex-player would know, and that’s really all that you can ask of an analyst. But more than his Giants analysis, I have to give props for his work with on the WFAN Mid-day Show with Evan & Joe on football Fridays and Mondays. Sure, he’s the ultimate Giants and Knicks (Isaiah) apologist, but it complements Evan and Joe’s good-if-overly-critical coverage of these teams. Best two hours of radio each week.

And we'll leave you with Carl Banks: linebacker, analyst, Knicks fan, food salesman, renaissance man.

Rating the new Yankee

In one of the biggest pre-season acquisitions in franchise history, the Yankees announced that they signed coveted free agent Billy "Mr. Saturday Night" Crystal to a 1-day contract. The comedian, known mostly for not being funny, will workout with the team today at their spring training facility in Tampa and will see action in tomorrows game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Lets take a quick look at his past performances to see how he may fare in the bigs:

1. Soap- Played the gay guy. 'Nuff said.

2. The Princess Bride- The movie no man is allowed to hate, lest they lose all respect in women's' eyes and never get laid again. Possibly Billy's finest performance, as Miracle Max, the crotchety old wizard-type guy who helps the actual stars of the movie get the girl in the end.

3. Throw Momma from the Train- Great movie....for Danny DeVito. Billy slips into his everyman/straight man routine that will carry him through many movies.

4. When Harry Met Sally- The late-80s classic that spurred many a conversation among your parents and their friends while you watched Transformers and played with Micro Machines. The essential question of the film, can two friends sleep together and still be friends, is yet to be decided.

5. City Slickers- Actually a pretty decent movie, but that owes more to the supporting cast of Bruno Kirby, Daniel Stern and the great Jack Palance than to what Billy Crystal pulled out of that cows womb. I wont lie, I liked this movie...when I was 10.

6. Forget Paris- Never saw it. Looked bad.

7. My Giant- Another bad one. But I did see this, as Gheorge Muresan was taking the Washington DC area by storm at the time. Goddamn that fucker was tall.

8. Analyze This/That/Other thing- Crystal returns to the decent column on the coattails of the master thespian Robert DeNiro. Crystal didn't write it or direct it, but I will still go ahead and accuse him of stealing from the Sopranos. Bastard.

9. Monsters Inc.- Shouldn't count because he just did a voice, but the guys resume is a lot thinner than I thought it would be. I mean, theres a bunch of other stuff the guys been in, but really, its like a total of 50 jobs in the last 30 years. So not only is he a bastard, he is a lazy bastard.

10. 61*- Finally, some relevant experience. Now, I liked this movie a lot. Not only because it showed Yankee sportswriters and fans to be vicious savages but Thomas Jane's booze-soaked turn as Mickey Mantle was magnificent. Barry Pepper was solid as the stoic Roger Maris and Crystals direction was only slightly masturbatory. It was also nice to see that Anthony Michael Hall was still alive.

On balance, this list shows that Crystal is woefully unprepared to play baseball for the Yankees. Not a single inning pitched or at-bat in his whole career. This will significantly limit his earning power in the majors, at least until he has a chance to get some experience under his belt tomorrow. All that being said, expect a multi-million dollar deal coming from Hank soon, if only to prove that hes better than his dad at throwing away money.

A few links

Props to Gabe for this: Hot Chicks With Douchebags

And I'm disappointed in those of you who aren't yet familiar with the following site, so when you get a chance, set aside a few hours and read about the Stuff White People Like

Who's Running the Yankees?

Forget the Steinbrenners. According to an article in the New York Times, the Corleones are unofficially running the Yankees. Seriously, the parallels between the two families are simply bizarre.

-George/Vito have had some shady dealings in politics, George with his illegal contributions to Nixon, Vito to apparently everyone. They both have a history of bad acts, from random murders to the constant bickering towards Dave Winfield, but at the end of the day, they’re both beloved by their fanbase/crime syndicate.

-Hank/Sonny is the loudmouth future of the franchise/crime syndicate. They both believe that they have the necessary temperament to own New York, but their arrogance will lead to their demise, with the 39 gunshots at the tollbooth and the comparisons to Jim Dolan. As the oldest brother, they draw the most attention, but they’re not truly the ones to fear.

(And in Hank’s case, there are more obvious parallels to Michael Brown, aka The Artist Formerly Known as Brownie. Both bred horses before being picked for a job which they received because of who they knew. And uh, let’s just say that their encyclopedic knowledge of horse breeding didn’t exactly prepare them for the clusterf#*k that they encountered when placed in the public eye.)

-Hal/Michael aren’t talked about very often, mostly because their brash older brothers steal the headlines, but they are the brains behind the outfit. Both have more education than their brother, whether it’s because they went to college and the army or have an MBA from the University of Florida. Neither says very much, but that’s because neither are plagued by the insecurities of their older brother. They know that their time will come one day when their brother does something foolish and gets killed by Don Barzini or an incensed Yankee fan.

-Fredo/The Steinbrenner Daughters. They’re both part of the family and get to experience the perks of the family money, whether it’s banging cocktail waitress two at a time or simply being a socialite. But because of their sheer stupidity or their gender they were permanently shunned from having any real say in the team. I only hope that Hal doesn’t have the daughters killed on the Steinbrenner yacht once Mama Steinbrenner dies.

-Carlo/Steve Swindal. Not an actual part of the family, and never will be. But whether they helped kill Sonny or committed a DUI and divorce with a Steinbrennerette, they both screwed up really good opportunities.

Ray Lewis Goes Off Deep End... Again

Some random website is reporting that current murdering douchebag Ray Lewis is attempting to get into the UFC!

This has to be a joke right? Does this purple-wearing fudgepacker really want to get inside the cage?

The insider told, "Ray Lewis was an All-American wrestler in high school, and he's just an all around bad a**. He'll fit in perfectly here."

Are you kidding me? Maybe Ray Ray should take his act to the WWE where he can act all badass and take as much HGH as he wants. But trying to act badass in the UFC? He'll be lucky to last 90 seconds in the ring with these guys.These guys aren't just wrestlers, they are submission experts who latch on to you whenever you make a mistake.

Does anyone remember former WWE badass Brock Lesner try to go the UFC? Didn't he get owned within a minute? Lewis has officially lost it. Does he not know he can't hide behind Haloti Ngata and Kelly Gregg in this? Lewis excels at jumping on piles after Bart Scott makes the tackles and dancing like a flaming orangutan. This skillset does not translate well to the UFC.

Your NFL career is almost over but that doesn't mean your "Sports Entertainment" career is over. Anyway, Ray if you do go UFC, I will certainly enjoy you getting pasted and all but do yourself a favor and give Vince McMahon a call.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Bill Cowher impersonator implicated in prostitution ring

Once again, in our effort to break news as soon as it starts to bend, we bring you the hot-off-the-presses story of our fair Governor and his filthy whoring habit. Now, not too many steamy details have emerged about "Client 9"'s dealings with Emperors Club VIP, but heres what we know so far:

One of those arrested told a prostitute identified only as "Kristen" that she should take a train from New York to Washington for an encounter with Client No. 9 on the night of Feb. 13, according to an affidavit.

Lewis said the client would be "paying for everything -- train tickets, cab fare from the hotel and back, mini bar or room service, travel time and hotel," the court papers said. The client paid $4,300 in cash to the service.

The prostitute, described in the complaint as a "petite, pretty brunette, 5-feet-5 inches and 105 pounds," met the client at about 10 p.m., according to the complaint. Lewis asked Kristen how she thought the appointment went, and she said that she thought it went very well.

In a conversation with the booking agent, Kristen said that she liked the client and that she did not think he was difficult, according to the papers.

The agent said she had been told the client "would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe ... very basic things," according to the papers, but that Kristen responded by saying, "I have a way of dealing with that ... I'd be, like, listen dude, you really want the sex?"

With all the vitriol that has been thrown around the state government since he took office, its nice to know that the Guv is at least kind to his hookers. My mother always told me that the way you treat your whores tells people a lot about what kind of man you are. But the real question here is about that last quote. Is the Guv into some kinky shit? Im drawing a blank on something "very basic" but that someone might not think is safe. What could that be? More to come once we get a pic of the lovely "Kristen".

When White Guys Go Bad

Who among us doesn't like to see Mike Francessa get angry at producers who are making 1/10th of his salary?

Props to Awful Announcing for this

Mike, once the cameras are off: "Hey Eddie, step into my office, because you're f#*kin fired! Oh, and on your way out, can you hand me that Diet Coke. I'd get it, but I, eh, well I'm stuck in the chair, Eddie."

I forget this douche's name, but I've always hated his jerk-off face, his jerk-off attitude, and I hate him, jerk-off whose name I can't remember. Anyways, let's watch him get flustered:

Props to Dlisted and to BH who wasn't too lazy to find this on Dlisted and tell me about it, but was too lazy to post it.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

G's Up, Ho's Down; Weekend Edition

G’s Up-Everything about The Wire Finale.

SPOILER ALERT!!! I assumed that this episode would be one big downer, but everything really tied itself up. My top 6 scenes in reverse order:

6. The negotiation between Rhonda and Omar’s lawyer.
5. McNulty’s ‘funeral.’
4. Michael-the new Omar.
3. McNulty and Daniels in the elevator.
2. Slim taking out Method Man. (Careful Slim, GZA and RZA are going to come back strong.)
1. McNulty telling off Templeton.

Ho’s Down- Met exhibition games on WFAN
Driving from Maryland to Jersey, I love crossing the Delaware Memorial Bridge, turning on WFAN and hearing some good old fashioned sports talk. Not only don’t I want to hear a Mets game, I REALLY don’t want to hear a Mets exhibition game.

G’s Up-J.G. Melon’s
Burger joint on 74th and 3rd. Went there with my boy Drizz. Really good burgers, an old school/cramped NYC feel, and just a good overall environment. I highly recommend.

G’s Up-Everything about the village
If I ever stumble upon a few million dollars, one of the first things that I’m doing is putting a down payment on a Village apartment near Washington Square Park.

G’s Up-Hookah Bar in the village
I don’t know the name of it, but it’s on Macdougal Street, across the street from Off the Wagon. Never been to a hookah bar before. Very impressed.

G’s Up-Ben’s Pizza selection
Mahatma and White Boy recommended this place in the past, so I went. They had tons of choices. Under pressure, I choked and took pepperoni and olives. If I had to do it again, I know I could’ve done better. Probably something with chicken.

Ho’s Down-Ben’s Pizza Quality
I had high expectations. And the pizza wasn’t bad. But being New York, it wasn’t anything special.

Ho’s Down-Catching a cab in the village
Took us 25 minutes to catch a cab right by the West 4th St. subway stop. Boo to the girls who would sneak in front of us and catch a cab. We were there first, whores.

Ho’s Down-The weather
Saturday was either warm and flood-like or cold and windy. Either way, it was awful. Though if it was cold while it was raining, it could’ve been 2-3 feet of snow.

Ho’s down-My Wallet
Another night in NYC, another night of starting with a big bank and ending with an empty wallet.

G’s Up-Duke losing
Greg Paulus, I hate everything about your existence.

Ho’s Down-Tyler “Nick Collison” Hansborough winning
I like Tyler Hansborough. But my guess is that he’ll suck in the pros. Because he’s a tough white guy, he’s going to be called gritty by every announcer in the tourney; basically the white basketball player equivalent of calling Barack Obama ‘well-spoken.’

G’s Up-BU Basketball team winning the American East Quarterfinal matchup against someone.
Babcock Street’s finest surprised the masses and won a game on Saturday night to get to the American East Semifinals. Would they achieve the impossible dream?

Ho’s Down-Losing the next round to Hartford.
Nope. Next night: Hartford 59, BU 52. Can I name any BU player? No, but not the point.

G’s Up-Parise-3 goals in a weekend
Scoring 3 goals in two nights for the Devils is like scoring 5 over that span for any other team. Oh, and being in 1st overall, 1 point ahead of Montreal and Pitt with a game in hand is pretty sweet too.

G’s Up-Daylight savings time
Spring and summer are coming!

Ho’s Down-Not knowing how to change my watch.
Only 8 more months until my watch gives accurate time again!