Looking at the Atlantic Division Realpolitik Style

Here at Straight Up Sports, we’re proud of our diversity. I’m not referring to the fact that we have 1 indian kid and a girl mixed in with a bunch of white guys. (Big ups to our two tok- er, Mahatma and MissMet for helping us avoid a discrimination lawsuit) I’m referring, of course, to our NHL allegiances. Mahatama, Yinzer, and BH are Penguins fans, White Boy is something of an Isles guy, SHMUCK., MissMet, and myself are Devil fans, and no one likes the Rangers.

With that said, I now present The Superpowers of the Atlantic Division as they relate to our geopolitical state of affairs:

THE HEROES

Devils/America[1] America’s team, which now plays in America’s City, Newark, New Jersey. Let’s face it; we in America are winners. (World Wars I & 2, War on Christmas) Is America a team that wins one championship every 54 years?[2] Are they a country that wins a few consecutive times only to become unimportant for many years after?[3] No, we’re a country that is always among the best.[4] And we settle for nothing less than excellence.[5] No matter who makes up the US populace, they possess the finest qualities in all of man; interchangeable parts who create nothing but the finest in everything the world has to offer.[6] We’re so good at what we do that we’re hated by everyone else in the world, mostly out of envy.[7]

OUR RIVALS/ENEMIES

Rangers : Al-Qaeda The main enemies of the U.S., different from Iran if only because they’re slightly more hated on the world stage because they don’t have oil to sell. They have severely damaged the U.S. over the years in ridiculously painful ways.[8] But the U.S. has won its share of battles[9], even if some of them are less heralded[10]. Everyone in the U.S. absolutely hates them and has nothing nice at all to say to them.[11]

Flyers: Iran Hated by the U.S., and most others almost as much as Al-Qaeda, it really just depends on who is in the news. They made us look bad in the Hostage Crisis[12] but we’ve won all of the large battles with them over the years[13] and have no intention of stopping now. They also have the worst chant in all of sports and some of the most obnoxious, drunk fans when they come to America.[14]

Islanders: Turkey I’m pretty sure the U.S. doesn’t like them. I’m pretty sure they don’t like the U.S. Yet our mutual hatred, mostly of Al-Qaeda, finds us hoping that Turkey does some of the dirty work for us so that we don’t have to.

Pittsburgh: Kurds They’re really the only group in the area outside of Israel that the U.S. actually likes. If someone has to rule the Middle East, it might as well be them.[15] Without knowing any Kurds personally, I would guess that their people don’t actually like Americans, because frankly, nobody does in that region.[16]

---

[1] Fuck yeah!

[2] Rangers

[3] Everyone else

[4] 3 stanley cups victories, 4 stanley cup appearances, in 12 years.

[5] A coaching change any time we start slacking, or April rolls around, whichever comes first.

[6] Losing seemingly 8,000 key players to free agency and staying in the Cup chase.

[7] A Bruins announcer, when the Devils played them in the ’03 playoffs, was heard saying ‘If the Devils win the Stanley Cup playing this style, it will set back hockey 20 years.’ We won, and we might have set the game back, but fuck them just the same. America Rules!

[8] Playoff losses in ’94, ’97, kidnapping and brainwashing Scott (Judas) Gomez

[9] ’05-06 1^st round of the playoffs. Before that they were a laughingstock from ’97-’98 through ’03-04.

[10] Bruce Driver, John MacLean and Bobby Holik all left the Devils for the Rangers and SUCKED.

[11] Was there a more disgusting picture than seeing Gomez and Drury walking on Broadway? Not for this BU Grad/Devils fan.

[12] ’03-04 1^st round playoff defeat

[13] Conference Finals defeats in ’95, ’99-’00 seasons. Stevens’ effectively ending Lindros’ career.

[14] These last two have absolutely no relevance to Iran. I don’t think Iran allows alcohol. But have you HEARD the ‘Let’s Go Fly-ers’ chant where your voice rises an octave during the ‘ers’? Awful. Just awful.

[15] Don’t tell Mahatma, but I actually like the Pens. Very respectable up and coming team.

[16] See Mahatma’s many references to the Devils as the “Fagvils.”