Rating the new Yankee

In one of the biggest pre-season acquisitions in franchise history, the Yankees announced that they signed coveted free agent Billy "Mr. Saturday Night" Crystal to a 1-day contract. The comedian, known mostly for not being funny, will workout with the team today at their spring training facility in Tampa and will see action in tomorrows game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Lets take a quick look at his past performances to see how he may fare in the bigs:

1. Soap- Played the gay guy. 'Nuff said.

2. The Princess Bride- The movie no man is allowed to hate, lest they lose all respect in women's' eyes and never get laid again. Possibly Billy's finest performance, as Miracle Max, the crotchety old wizard-type guy who helps the actual stars of the movie get the girl in the end.

3. Throw Momma from the Train- Great movie....for Danny DeVito. Billy slips into his everyman/straight man routine that will carry him through many movies.

4. When Harry Met Sally- The late-80s classic that spurred many a conversation among your parents and their friends while you watched Transformers and played with Micro Machines. The essential question of the film, can two friends sleep together and still be friends, is yet to be decided.

5. City Slickers- Actually a pretty decent movie, but that owes more to the supporting cast of Bruno Kirby, Daniel Stern and the great Jack Palance than to what Billy Crystal pulled out of that cows womb. I wont lie, I liked this movie...when I was 10.



6. Forget Paris- Never saw it. Looked bad.

7. My Giant- Another bad one. But I did see this, as Gheorge Muresan was taking the Washington DC area by storm at the time. Goddamn that fucker was tall.

8. Analyze This/That/Other thing- Crystal returns to the decent column on the coattails of the master thespian Robert DeNiro. Crystal didn't write it or direct it, but I will still go ahead and accuse him of stealing from the Sopranos. Bastard.

9. Monsters Inc.- Shouldn't count because he just did a voice, but the guys resume is a lot thinner than I thought it would be. I mean, theres a bunch of other stuff the guys been in, but really, its like a total of 50 jobs in the last 30 years. So not only is he a bastard, he is a lazy bastard.

10. 61*- Finally, some relevant experience. Now, I liked this movie a lot. Not only because it showed Yankee sportswriters and fans to be vicious savages but Thomas Jane's booze-soaked turn as Mickey Mantle was magnificent. Barry Pepper was solid as the stoic Roger Maris and Crystals direction was only slightly masturbatory. It was also nice to see that Anthony Michael Hall was still alive.


On balance, this list shows that Crystal is woefully unprepared to play baseball for the Yankees. Not a single inning pitched or at-bat in his whole career. This will significantly limit his earning power in the majors, at least until he has a chance to get some experience under his belt tomorrow. All that being said, expect a multi-million dollar deal coming from Hank soon, if only to prove that hes better than his dad at throwing away money.