Things We Want but Shouldn't Have

We watch movies, tv, read books and magazines and we always see stuff that looks really cool and think “you know, it would be awesome to have one of those things.” But what are those “things” that we want to have? Well I’ve come up with a few and wonder “would it be really good to have?” And the answer is no, and here is why.


Lightsaber

Why we want it: It’s quite possibly the coolest weapon ever in both reality and fiction. You deflect lasers, can swing it with ease cause the blade weighs nothing, and frankly you can ruin anyone’s shit with it.
Why we shouldn’t have it: Let’s face it- we’re gonna hurt ourselves. I’m not talking a “you’ll poke your eye out” kind of hurt, I’m talking a “we’re going to chop off our fucking leg” kind of hurt. We’re more than likely going to ruin our own shit before we ruin anyone elses.



Dr. Evil’s Table of Death

Why we want it: You have all your minions around you and if they piss you off you hit a button, their chair bends back and they fall into a pit of fire solving one of your problems. No mess, no evidence, quite efficient.
Why we shouldn’t have it: It has to cost a pretty penny and you’re going to need a big room under the table to hold that pit. The gas bill is going to be killer, and none of that budget shit either. And you’ll be wanted for murder and that’s never good.



Flying Delorean Time Machine

Why we want it: It’s a Delorean. It flies. It goes through time. And if you got the Mr. Fusion fuel device you can use garbage to fuel your car. Why wouldn’t you want it?
Why we shouldn’t have it: Don’t deny it, we’re going to fuck the timeline up royally. I’m talking the way Mr. T fucked up Rocky in their first encounter. Yeah our world is messed up, but just imagine if we messed it up more…



A Boomerang

Why we want it: Its like a frisbee, but it comes back. And you can hit people with it. Plus it’s Australian and that means it’s cool!
Why we shouldn’t have it: Because we’re going to watch like it’s in slow motion as that boomerang comes back at us, raise our hand to catch it and subsequently miss and get smacked in the face. Then everyone around us will point and laugh in the Nelson voice as we walk away with our head down in shame.



That Hot Chick in our Office Building

Why we want it: She’s hot, what do you think we want?
Why we shouldn’t have it: Yeah, she’s got herpes



The X-Inch Screen Monster TV

Why we want it: It’s up to 150” now but it will get bigger. I mean, how can you not want a tv of that size?
Why we shouldn’t have it: Sports on a screen that big, just imagine…. I cant think of anything other than that good or bad. Just one massive tv on football Sunday…. Well it would probably bankrupt us poor folk, but wouldn’t it be worth it?



Rosie O’Donnell to Shut up Already

Why we want it: Obvious
Why we shouldn’t have it: None. She really needs to shut up already.



A Clone

Why we want it: We’ll use it to go to work, do our chores or anything else we don’t want to do while we sit back, relax and enjoy life.
Why we shouldn’t have it: I have a strict no-clone policy, and there is a reason. See, the clone is sentient and while at first it may do what you say, eventually it’s going to realize it’s a slave and rebel. And by rebel I mean put a bullet in our head when we’re not paying attention. It’s going to kill us and takeover our life, it’s the way it always ends up. How do I know? Because it’s what I’d fucking do that’s why. And I’m not ending up with a bullet in my head when I’m harmlessly perusing internet porn.