Thursday, December 25, 2008

Corporate Stoogery Volume 4: Dos and Donts of the Holiday Party

Hello cubicle dwellers and welcome to another installment of corporate stoogery. Since we have last spoke, times are indeed quite different. The economy has apparently shat itself leaving filth and excrement all over the place. Gone are raises, bonuses and holiday gift giving. Gone also are your savings and bank accounts. But don’t worry those CEOs are still making their millions and laying off idiots like you and I so they can keep their profit margins and eating those fine steaks.

Alas, times are indeed quite rough so keeping your current shitty job is of the utmost importance. Especially when companies are looking to rid themselves of you and your frivolous salary. One such instance is the office holiday party. For some the xmas holiday party is one big jerk off. For others it’s grounds to get fired. That’s why I’m here to help guide you on ways of the office holiday party so you can enjoy the same shitty hours and steady yet low paycheck for the next year. Granted this is probably late for all of you so if you got fired already, you can get your money back from Devo at

Do: Drink something. I mean look it’s going to probably be very akward. It’s not like you really like the people you work with anyway. So have a drink or two and atleast pretend you like these people.

Don’t: Drink too much unless of course your boss has left and its just you and the 20 somethings. That’s the only way this will be a fun party. Mahatma recommends to get fashionably drunk once all those Jersey/Westchesterites leave for their various buses.

Do: Eat something. Look that alcohol is good but you don’t want to be the guy/gal puking in the bathroom.

Don’t: Eat too much that you have dipping sauce on your shirt.

Do: Socialize with the office hottie

Don’t: hit on the office hottie unless she/he starts it.

Do: Talk to the clients if they come

Don’t: talk to them too much because really you will look like a big douche.

Do: Tell your coworker (if you like them that is) to stop dancing if he/she is looking like a walking cackle of orangutans.

Don’t: dance unless you are a good dancer. And most notably, you probably aren’t a good dance. Yea sure your friends said you were good but honestly, they are just being nice. Didn’t you see the Seinfeld? Yea don’t be like that.

Do: Say you and the office hottie got something going on by all means rock out

Don’t: do the same if your coworkers refer to this person as Shim.

Do: Eat something. That caterer is there for a reason and really drinking on an empty stomach is the smartest idea in the world.

Don’t: Eat too much that you spill that empanada dipping sauce all over your nice shirt/dress

Do: Meet your coworker’s family. Look you might as well. I’m sure they are nice people.

Don’t: hit on your bosses 18 yr old daughter/son or wife/husband. (unless well you can't do any better)

Do: Say something to your boss

Don’t: Do not have an excessive dialogue about the company's forward thinking strategy in this new age recession.

Do: talk to people

Don’t: talk to them about work. Seriously. Stop.

Happy holidays folks!

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