Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Why you Don't Want Bill Cowher as Your Coach

With the NFL regular season over, coaches have been getting the ax, and as always rumors begin to fly of who the new coach will be. To no surprise, Bill Cowher’s name was popping up in coaching rumors. And while he has stated he will not return to coaching this year, rumors are already starting for maybe next year. But worrisome to me is that I see people actually want to hire this man with the belief he is a good coach. Because I’m a nice guy, I’m going to tell you this: Bill Cowher is not a good coach.

You can say “but he had 13 good years with the Steelers! He won a Super Bowl!”

First of all, the Rooney’s run everything. Not a whole hell of a lot has changed under Tomlin from Cowher. I‘m a Tomlin fan, and I realize that takes away from how good I think he is, so don't go thinking I’m holding a double standard here.

The Rooney’s have the final say on anything, and while they may not call down to the field with plays like Ebenezer Scrooge a.k.a. Al Davis, I guarantee you they want things done a certain way, such as drafting, and basic game plans. Did you ever wonder why “Steeler Football” has stayed the same for decades, and they keep going for the same types of players? Because the same people are calling the shots. And when Cowher does have free reign on matters, it all goes to shit.

And as for the Super Bowl, while the run to get their was good, Bill Cowher did his best to choke away his second attempt at the championship, only to be out-choked by Mike “Stay Puft” Holmgren. Mike, it wasn’t the refs that cost you, it was the missed field goals and dropped key passes. Of course, you were just venting your frustration that when you bit into the zebras on the field they weren’t the zebra cakes like you thought.

Now, on to the more specific points of why you don't want Bill Cowher as your coach.

Run, Run, Pass.
If he’s your coach, get used to this because it’s going to be 90% of your offensive series. And no, that is not an exaggeration. Cowher loves to run the ball, preferably with a fat back. Run twice to set up a pass on third down. And speaking of third down, if it’s third and ten, well, let’s just say I hope you’re a fan of three yard screen passes. It doesn’t matter if you have a great QB, or an o-line that is horrid blocking for the half back, he’s going to run it. Belichick didn’t even need to tape the Steelers to know their offensive game plan under Cowher.

The Nicknames are Meaningful
Us Steeler fans that don't have our heads stuck up our asses have two useful nicknames for Cowher. Cowhard, and FGB- Field Goal Bill. Both pertain to the same thing: he is utterly gutless in his play calling. He always takes the points. Always. Down two touchdowns with less than two minutes to go? Yep, it’s field goal time! Fourth and one from the five? Field goal! Get used to playing it safe, or gutless.

Quarterbacks Don't Win Games
Why do you think the Steelers had the likes of Kordell Stewart, Kent Graham and Tommy Maddux for so many years? Well, other than the off field affair with Kordell, it’s because FGB doesn’t think you need a QB to succeed. And while some consider one championship in thirteen years with constantly loaded teams as success, most don't. What’s that you’re saying? “But FGB realized his mistake and drafted Big Ben!” Wrong! The call to draft Ben came directly from Dan Rooney; FGB wanted an offensive lineman. Who that lineman was supposed to protect I don't know, but he wanted him. Otherwise, Tommy Gun would still be in the backfield and the Steelers wouldn’t have a Super Bowl.

The Prevent
Billy Boy is also a big fan of the prevent defense, named so because it prevents you from winning. If the team is looking to march down field in order to tie or win at the end of the game expect to lose because they are going to run right over your defense no matter how good it is. Remember how I said earlier of the things he did have control over he screwed up? Well I haven’t seen a hint of the prevent since Tomlin came in and amazingly the Steelers have stopped horribly choking at the end of every close game.

“Special Teams Guru”
The Chin is supposed to be great at special teams, and it showed as he finished near the bottom in special teams nearly every year of his tenure. One player after Cowher’s departure said he didn’t like how Tomlin ran special teams, preferring how Bill Cowher told them just to run down the field and tackle the guy. I want you to think about that for a minute: the player liked Cowher’s tactic more because he told them to just run down and tackle the guy. Christ, I’ve seen a five year old use more strategy playing Risk. Since Tomlin’s arrival the Steelers special team’s has improved significantly because, guess what, he’s got a plan!

“Let’s Go!”
Cowher, known for his ability to launch saliva into the eyes of his prey and blind them like a cobra, has been nicknamed “The Spitter”, (or if you prefer the scientific name, Cowhardis Playoff-Chokertus), is well known for his motivational techniques. And while the spitting into your face is the most publicized tactic, along with sticking out his massive chin, his most used is actually yelling his battle cry “let’s go!” over and over again. Starting kickoff- “Let’s Go!” Offensive possession- “Let’s Go!” Just surrendered a touchdown- “Let’s Go!” Choked in the AFC championship for the fourth time in your career- “Let’s Go!” In fact, about the only other thing he says is “I don’t know”, but that is only during press conferences when he can’t explain how he choked the game away once again. Below, he can be seen displaying this typical behavior:

If he Doesn’t like his Situation, he’ll quit on you
Just like he did his final year with the Steelers. He wasn’t getting a big contract extension he wanted, so he decided to not even try. I mean how can you quit on your team after just winning the Super Bowl? And if you know you’re done, don’t stick around for another year and screw the team. Tell me, what kind of coach or player throws in the towel, before the season even started, because he doesn’t get his way? A bad one. Isn’t this kind of selfish, egotistical crap we chastise the likes of TO and Chad Ocho Doucho for?

So to sum things up, if Bill Cowher becomes your next coach, these are the things you can expect to happen:
Running the ball twice then passing
Lots of field goals
Shitty QB’s
The prevent defense
Total collapse of special teams
Constantly hearing “Let’s Go!”
He’ll quit on you

Oh, and you’ll lose just about every conference championship game in a spectacular choking fashion. Here you can see a typical picture of Cowher the day after a conference championship:

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