Monday, September 1, 2008

Athletes We Would Not Piss On If They Were On Fire Part 2: The White Boy South Bronx Edition

Every child grows up worshiping athletes as their heroes only rivaled by their love of the Ninja Turtles. But you know what? Most of these children grow up to be bitter and jaded, learning to hate their opponents as much as they loved their childhood heroes. And thus, SUS brings you the first of a series, "Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire."

Part 2: White Boy South Bronx

1. Curt Schilling

I have nothing but respect for his incredible post-season exploits. He has completely embarrassed my club in the 2001 and 2004 post seasons and pitched pretty well in the 2007 second season as well. However, his non-stop gum flapping and redneck proclivities make him tough for this liberal Yankee fan to take. Whether it was his bush support in 04 or his whining in his blog or to WEEI, he just makes me want to vomit. He, more than any other Redsox, would, if he became a Yankee, cause me to turn in my pinstripes. (Editor's note: I'm calling bullshit on White Boy turning in his pinstripes unless Schilling became a Yankee AND lost 20 games.)

2. Tony Romo

This guy wins the "I want to punch you in the face" award. No athlete makes me angrier than Romo. He is a very good athlete on a high profile team, but the combination of my pure hatred for the Cowboys and his prima donna persona makes my blood boil. Nothing was more satisfying in the Giants run to glory than watching him completely fold under pressure in the divisional playoff game's closing moments. He missed a wide open Terell Owens (more on him shortly) many times and was victimized by horrid receiver play by Patrick Crayton (which of course he cried to his fellow teammates about. You and T.O. deserve each other.

3. Terrell Owens

This guy is unreal. He calls Garcia gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), blames Mcnabb for the Superbowl loss to the Pats, and then suddenly falls in love with Romo in Dallas. It was hilarious to see TO cry when people got on Romo, but it also made me angry. Why would you throw your former two QB's under a bus but fall in love with Romo? My guess is that TO is the unquestioned star on Dallas whereas he was sharing the spotlight with Garcia and Mcnabb in San Fran and Philly respectively. Dallas, to its credit, has showered TO with affection, praise and room to do whatever the heck he wants to keep him happy. Too bad Andy Reid and Steve Mariucci actually believed in the team-over-player philosophy. I hope he goes the way of A-Rod and joins the list of top 5 athletes never to win a title. Oh, and he made the game winning TD catch in that choke job playoff game vs the Giants in 2003. I didn't like that either.

4. Jose Reyes

This is retribution for MissMet's selection of Jeter on her list last week. Jeter, a class act who never, ever shows up the oppostion and has 4 rings to his credit, is the complete opposite of Reyes. (Editor's note: Reyes is also too fast to hit into as many double plays as Jeter.) Reyes is the most talented player the Mets have ever had. He is a 5 tool machine who changes games with his speed. But his arrogance and complete lack of sportsmanship don't sit well with this more old school style fan. A-Rod is just as bad with his stupid look-back-to-the-dugout garbage after he knows he hit a home run. Act like you have been there before kid. The Mets are hated around the NL for their Reyes style of play. I'll never forget the comments of a Marlins player after last year's Met's victory in the second game of that decisive 3 game set, "We would crawl back to the field to beat the Mets tomorrow". That is because Reyes is hated around the NL for his arrogance and tough to take for non-Mets fans.

5. Michael Jordan

No athlete caused more heartache in my childhood than this man. The greatest athlete in U.S. history, Michael seemed to especially destroy my beloved Knickerbockers. Whether it was his 55 point game in his Garden return after his first retirement, his waving bye-bye to Spike lee in the 1993 Eastern Conference Finals, or Charles Smith's infamous 5 blocked layup performance against the Bulls, I just associate him with terrible Knick moments. I've also heard/read he's a huge prick as per the book "the Jordan Rules" and the fact that he scared Kwame Brown into being one of the NBA's worst players.

-White Boy South Bronx

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