Wednesday, September 3, 2008

NFC West Preview

Being a benevolent dictator has some disadvantages; most notably, when you say you’ll dissect the division that no one wants, it becomes your job to find some positive things to say about the San Francisco 49ers. Well, without further ado, let’s see what we can come up with

1. Seattle Seahawks

3 Positives:

1. Not only the baldest quarterback in the league, but one of the most consistent in Matt Hasselbeck.

2. Julius Jones is usually good for 7 or 8 runs of 50+ yards each year.

3. The defense is sprinkled with some solid names. Among them: DE Patrick Kerney, LB’s Julian Peterson and Lofa Tatupu, and CB’s Marcus Trufant and Kelly Jennings.

3 Negatives:

1. Nate Burleson is probably pretty good, but who the hell are the other wide receivers? Courtney Taylor? Ben Obomanu? Who are you people?

2. I’m not saying Julius Jones is a hit or miss RB, but if he has 8 runs of 50 yards this year, he’ll still probably end the season with less than 500 yards.

3. Sure, traveling to Seattle sucks for opponents. But at the same time, Seattle has to consistently travel pretty far for its road games, including Buffalo, Miami, Tampa Bay, and East Rutherford. Their closest road game is probably San Francisco.

Seattle is a decent team in a division that may be improving but is still pretty bad; possibly the worst in the NFL. Baldzilla Hasselbeck should be enough to get this team into the playoffs again. But they’ll lose to the Giants in the 1st round. 9-7

2. St. Louis Rams

3 Positives:

1. Playing 6 games against the rest of the NFC West.

2. Stephen Jackson could one day turn into a serviceable running back. Remember that you heard it here first.

3. Chris Long, a crafty, hardworking, (insert more adjectives reserved for all white athletes here) football player. But seriously, he’s probably going to be good.

3 Negatives

1. Only get to play San Francisco and Arizona 4 games. The rest are against real teams. Except for one against the Falcons.

2. How will RT Alex Barron fare after having spent the offseason covering the Red Sox for SUS?

3. Pisa Tinoisamoa and Oshiomogho Atogwe are starting. Are they any good? Maybe. I just feel bad for the Rams play-by-play guys.

The stupidest things uttered by most of the mainstream media is that the Jets and the Rams are going to improve. They were 3-13, and they’re not the Cardinals, Falcons, or 49ers; of course they’re going to improve! But they’re not going to the Super Bowl. Or the playoffs. 7-9

Arizona Cardinals

3 Positives

1. Larry Fitzgerald. Even the broken clock that is the Cardinals front office is right twice a day.

2. Matt Leinart on the team means that when this team gets off to an 0-8 start, at least Nick Lachey and his entourage will be in the stands. This is great news for Cardinals ownership so long as Lachey’s entourage goes 50,000 deep.

3. Teammates love to be serenaded by Edgerrin James’ tales of his previous life with the Colts.

3 Negatives

1. Remember when Kurt Warner was old and washed up? That was 2004. Now he’s the starter.

2. How low has Matt Leinart’s star fallen? Kurt Warner legitimately earned the starting quarterback job.

3. Anquan Boldin has been their most consistent player over the last few years. Oh, and he aint speaking to anyone on the team. Oops.

White Boy says he’s sick of everyone consistently talking about the Cardinals as the trendy sleeper pick. Well, apparently the media has caught up with him, and no one’s picking the Cards to do anything this year. And maybe the media’s correct here. 6-10.

San Francisco 49ers

3 positives

1. Patrick Willis is young, talented, and an awesome inside linebacker. Plenty of people on the 49ers roster should not be starting in the NFL. He’s not one of them.

2. Frank Gore. Very good.

3. I got nothing. Onto the negatives!

3 Negatives

1. Montana…Young…J.T. O’ Sullivan? Yup, the quarterback most likely to open an Irish Pub is also starting for SF this year. Go Niners.

2. Isaac Bruce and Bryant Johnson are the starting wide receivers this year. One of them is past is prime. The other never had one.

3. Seriously, J.T. O’ Sullivan. Though would you trust your team to the douche pictured above?

It’s not worth my time or yours to get in depth about this. 4-12.

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