Thursday, September 4, 2008

Questions Going into the NFL Season- NFC Edition

As the new NFL season approaches, every team has a few questions going into training camp, and still more by the time the season starts. But what are those questions? I’m going to go team by team with what I feel are the biggest questions for every team.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys
Question: Can Romo prove he is a perennial choke artist?
Oh Romo, how much you have given us to talk about since you took over the starting QB job. Fumbling snaps, out of town trips with celebs before a big game, for two years now you have choked in the post season and cost the Cowboys their playoff hopes. Will you be able to do it a third time? How will you do it? I’m sure we’ll get to see come January.

New York Giants
Question: Will the Giants repeat?
After achieving the most satisfying victory, one where the entire world celebrated the triumph of good over evil for the first time since the Allies defeated the Nazis, the Giants will attempt to repeat their Super Bowl. Gone is Strahan and Jeremy Shockey who’s irrelevance was only not known to him. We’ll see how this season plays out, but seeing as how difficult it is to repeat, I am going to say no.

Philadelphia Eagles
Question: Will Andy Reid finally explode?
You look at this man and wonder how one person’s skin can hold so much fat. He’s the first at the buffet line, and I’m pretty sure they use the medical cart to take him on and off the field. You just look at the man and get the sense he is a balloon that has been filled with too much air.
Andy Reid's Yearbook Photo:

Washington Redskins
Question: Will Dan Snyder be able to contain giddiness if there is no salary cap?
Let’s face it, Dan Snyder is living for the day when the NFL has no salary cap and he can spend what he wants. Sure when they do get a cap again he’ll need to disappear half his team to get under it, but it will be worth it to him.

NFC North

Chicago Bears
Question: Who is gong to run the ball?
Can anyone actually name the running backs they currently have? Anyone who works for the Bears can chime in too. Of course every play they could just try and punt the ball to Devon Hester and let him go for it.

Detroit Lions
Question: Will this be the year Matt Millen is finally fired?
Lions fans have their hopes, don’t crush them. The firing of Millen is a faint hope they’ve been clinging to all these years and if it ever is ever publicly revealed he will never be fired, thousands will die because they gave up on life. But really, this guy needs to go.

Green Bay Packers
Question: Does Aaron Rogers remember how to play football?
He’s been sitting on the bench since he was drafted and sadly his hair has gotten more press than his football skills. You know the kid is dreading going on the field and being just like Alex Smith.

Minnesota Vikings
Question: Can Brad Childress manage to look normal in just one picture this year?
Do a Google search. Seriously. Every picture of this man he’s got some weird look or unnatural facial expression. He kind of scares me.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons
Question: Where in the world is Ron Mexico?
Like his cousin Carmen San Diego, Ron Mexico is missing in action, leaving newly drafted Matt Ryan to be thrown to the dogs on a poor team. Yeah, it could be good he’s getting in so early, or it could end up Alex Smith’ing him.

Carolina Panthers
Question: Will they officially fire John Fox this year?
It’s kind of like in Office Space where Milton (Fox) keeps trying to get his paycheck, but despite never getting it keeps coming to work anyways, and Initech (Panthers) assumes it’s just going to work itself out. Well it hasn’t. The Panthers keep losing and Fox keeps showing up. Maybe after this year they’ll finally just tell him, paving the way for another genius to come in:

New Orleans Saints
Question: Will they screw over betters again this year?
Many had them pegged for a long playoff run, and going to the Super Bowl wasn't uncommon either. They proceeded to miss the playoffs and kick betters and fantasy players in the junk.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Question: Can any of the Bucs QB's managed to elevate their game from "god awful" to "just plain bad"
Jon Gruden has some odd fetish with QB’s, carrying six on his roster. Saddest of all is if you combine their skills into one player instead of getting one super powered guy like Captain Planet you’ll get a guy that’s just average. Of course, it’s not like the rest of the team is in much better shape.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals
Question: Will Kurt Warner’s wife finally have a real haircut?
Lady, the short man hair looks awful. Your husband has money, please do something about it.

St. Louis rams
Question: Did they get all the injuries out of their system?
Talk about screwed over. Its not that the Rams were a really good team, but they were a playoff caliber team. That is until about half their starting roster got injured in some way, including most of their best players. By mid season they were just looking for warm bodies to put on the field and it showed. Better luck this year.

San Francisco 49ers
Question: How much does Alex Smith really suck?
After the first two games last year people said he was turning the corner. Week three came the Steelers who showed all he did was have good games against shitty teams, and he sucked the rest of the year. But how much does he really suck? He was never worth the 1st overall pick, even San Fran knew that, but took him anyways. Is it sad we all kind of expected him to bust?

Special bonus deleted scene:
Question: is Rice-A-Roni still the San Francisco treat? You tel me.

Seattle Seahawks
Question: Are Mike Holmgren's final words going to be "the refs cost us SB 40"
I’m glad he is calling it quits, I can’t stand the Super Bowl 40 references anymore. Get over it. And maybe if your receivers didn’t drop six key passes, or your kicker miss two field goals, you could have won the game. Or maybe if you paid attention to what was happening on the field instead no ordering off the to go menu you claim is a play sheet. But nah, it’s the refs. But hey, why not make one last comment so everyone remembers you to be the sore loser you are.

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