Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Questions Going Into the NFL Season- AFC Edition

As the new NFL season approaches, every team has a few questions going into training camp, and still more by the time the season starts. But what are those questions? I’m going to go team by team with what I feel are the biggest questions for every team.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens
Question: Is Joe Flacco the next Kyle Boller?
Kyle Boller is one of my favorite players. Why? Because he sucks. As a Steeler fan I have thoroughly enjoyed watching the misery Boller has inflicted on the Ravens and their fans after they have put so much effort into him and failed to make him into anything but a joke. Flacco transferred to some no name school because he couldn’t get past back up at Pitt. Pitt, the school that hasn’t had a good QB since a guy named Dan Marino graced the field. Again the Ravens are investing highly in a guy that doesn’t seem to have much to him. Will he be Kyle Boller 2.0? God I hope so.

Cincinnati Bengals
Question: How many arrests will the Bengals have?
Yeah they trimmed some of the fat, but they still have a bunch of self centered head cases who care more for themselves than the team. Plus they really don’t seem to pay attention to the coach anymore. They say they are trying to shake their criminal image, but does anyone really believe the steps they have taken will do much? Especially after they resigned Chris Henry, who is already suspended the first four games of the season.

Special bonus deleted scene:
Question: Will Carson Palmer finally get blamed for losing the game?
Mahatma has chronicled the exploits of the Palmer game breaking interception, and it’s looking like this is fact, not coincidence. When the game goes well, it’s because of Carson. When it goes bad, it’s Marvin Lewis, even though Palmer is the one who screwed up. At some point they’re going to have to realize he isn’t an elite QB and actually put the blame where it belongs.

Cleveland Browns
Question: Why is everyone thinking they are so good?
Really. A QB that’s had one good year and a few free agents and everyone is calling this team AFC North champions and destined for at least the conference championship. I’m predicting the Browns falter once again as the QB they give big money to ends up being a one year wonder. That leaves things to home town pretty boy Brady Quinn, that is if he can stop making homophobic comments to gays like himself.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Question: How often will their offensive line let Roethlisberger get killed?
Last year the offensive line was the Steelers Achilles heal. That and recovering from thirteen years of Bill Cowhard football. Big Ben got flattened more times than any other playoff QB, and it was a miracle they won their division given how bad this line was. When you have a center who is incapable of hiking the ball and remain standing (seriously, that’s not a joke) you think you couldn’t get much worse. But we’ll see if Ben is still alive end of year.

Special bonus deleted scene:
Original Question: Will they get rid of their mascot?
It took exactly five seconds after Steely McBeam’s unveiling for the entire Steeler fanbase to hate him, and about two weeks for the rest of the NFL to stop laughing. The Rooney’s wont give the fans cheerleaders, but they’ll give them this.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills
Question: Will people shut up about them moving to Toronto?
It’s not happening. The NFL is trying to expand more to other countries and that includes Canada (well, if you consider them another country and not the 51st state, but I digress). Plus know this: at every Sabres hockey game they sing the Canadian national anthem because they are in close proximity and get a lot of Canadians at the games. So if you're trying to expand influence, why not to the people who already come to the city and can take it back with them?

Miami Dolphins
Question: Can Bill Parcells actually get fatter?
Seriously, he’s nearly as round as he is tall. It’s embarrassing really. And I’m tired of hearing what a guru he is at football. What has this guy done in the past twenty years? NOTHING! A fricken Superbowl decades ago and people treat him like he’s a genius. By that logic, this man too is a genius.

New England Patriots
Question: What will the Pats do to make everyone hate them more?
They cheat on and off the field and display a level of douchebaggery few can actually match if they tried. So how can we hate this team anymore than we already do now? Well, they have Bill Belichick, cheater extraordinaire (ask his wife) and Tom Brady, the great human being who dumped his girlfriend immediately after she gave birth to his demon seed. And let’s not forget a supporting cast with the likes of Wes Welker, Rodney Harrison and Mike Vrabel, they’ll come up with something. Of course a good runner up questions is “How much will the Patriots cheat this year” but I’m sure it’s going to be a lot. And because it is still awesome, 18-1

New York Jets
Question: How long until Jets fans hate the “There’s Something About Mary” guy?
I’m not mentioning his name because I’m sick of hearing it. We all are. He’s not the same player who won his team a Super Bowl and I doubt he is capable of leading the Jets beyond mediocrity. And if he does do that, how long will it take for New York to turn on him? If management thinks he’s the answer, they’re in for a long season.

Special bonus deleted scene:
Original Question: Will Chad Pennington finally break down and cry on the field?
Chad is a QB who once had much potential, but constant shoulder injuries have kept him from developing into the QB he was supposed to be, not to mention a decent one the past few years. And let’s face it; a New York crowd isn’t exactly a forgiving or patient one. So when he constantly gets booed once more, will he finally just let if out and start bawling his eyes out on the way to the sideline?

AFC South

Houston Texans
Question: Will we actually hear them mentioned in the media?
I swear I never hear anything about this team other than to compare how Mario Williams and Reggie Bush are doing. Maybe it’s me, but this team just seems to fall into obscurity for me.

Indianapolis Colts
Question: For the love of god, can we talk about something other than Peyton?
I don’t care what it is. Tony Dungy, someone else being injured, rising concession prices, the owner paid a fan to dance in his booth, just anything but Peyton Manning!

Jacksonville Jaguars
Question: Will people finally realize Jack Del Rio is a douchebag and meat head?
You look at the guy and you just see that high school jock who can barely write his name out. The one those of us with any remote intelligence had to keep afloat during our high school history projects by reminding him it was the North that wanted to free the slaves, and that we didn’t beat Germany in the Revolutionary War. He’s the kind of guy you want to punch because you see so little signs of brain activity, and yet for some reason gets credit for being a good coach despite just sitting on the sideline and looking like he’s semi-retarded.

Tennessee Titans
Question: Will Vince Young step it up this year?
Victimized by the Madden Curse, Young had an injury plagued year where he went from being lavished the year before to bashed the next. The Titans are getting better after rebuilding so look for Vince to improve along with them.

AFC West

Denver Broncos
Question: Is Jay Cutler the real deal?
When drafted many thought he was merely the third best QB in a draft class that was getting hyped because of it. But he hasn’t been bad so far, and many are starting to think he will mature into a good starting quarterback. Time will tell, but I think many still have their doubts.

Kansas City Chiefs
Question: Will people finally stop treating Herm Edwards like he is a really good coach?
It’s not that he’s a bad coach, but I just have never been impressed with the teams he has fielded. You can give him some benefit of the doubt for trying to rebuild KC, but have they really gotten that much better since he arrived? Not to mention he was traded, and how often do coaches actually get traded?

Oakland Raiders
Question: Whatever the punch line is this year
It seems like every year the Raiders have some new trick up their sleeve on how to make themselves a joke, and Al Davis is always behind it. So what does the meddling owner have up his sleeve this year? I think he’s looking to surprise us this year. Though I doubt he will ever top the Art Shell ordeal.

Sand Diego Chargers
Question: Will Shawne Merriman continue to prove he is nothing without steroids?
“Lights out” is making it happen to his own career. Since being caught for steroids and laying off the juice Merriman has become mostly invisible. Despite media outlets like ESPN constantly trying to make him to still be great, he seems destined for mediocrity, if that, without the help of his good old roids.

Special bonus deleted scene:
Original Question: Will Chargers fans finally stop calling Ladanian Tomlinson LT?
Because there is only one LT, and it is this man:

When will Ladanian be allowed to be called LT? When he ruins Joe Theisman’s career, that’s when. And I am willing to settle for his announcing career.

1 comment:

devo said...

Ah, the ol' Brady Quinn photo. The gift that keeps on giving...