Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire Part 4: The Brooklyn Hillbilly Edition

Every child grows up worshiping athletes as their heroes only rivaled by their love of the Ninja Turtles. But you know what? Most of these children grow up to be bitter and jaded, learning to hate their opponents as much as they loved their childhood heroes. And thus, SUS brings you the fourth of a series, "Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire."

Click here for MissMet's picks.
Click here for Devo's picks.
Click here for White Boy South Bronx's picks.

CHAD JOHNSON

(Ocho Doucho)

I don't think this pick needs a lot of explanation. Ive hated this guy ever since he joined the Bengals. His petulant attitude, aggressive demeanor and lack of skill in high-pressure situations mark him as the exact type of person I hate in this world. Johnson even raced a thoroughbred. BUT he gave himself a 100 meter head start in the 200 meter race. No shame. Egotistical, with braggadocio that is utterly lacking in any sort of backup outside of games against shitty teams, Chad Johnson is THE most overrated receiver in the NFL. This guy needs to go to Detroit so his career can officially end.


(HEY JOE, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DROP MAGNUM ON US?)

I could do a whole list of just sports radio/sportscaster people I wouldn't piss on, but ill try to keep it to one. This guy is the most worthless sportscaster of all time. He doesn't even watch sports! That clip also has one of the other most worthless people on the planet, Colin Cowherd, both he and Buck evidently hate watching sports, even tho they make millions a year forcing us to listen to their half-baked analysis. I might also include Tim McCarver in this group, as the Buck-McCarver combo caused anyone rooting for the Red Sox in '03 and '04 to almost throw the remote at their TV at least a dozen times a game during the ALCS.

STEPHEN A. SMITH

So I lied about only putting one sportscaster on. This guy is intolerable. Hes like Chad Johnson and Joey Porter had a retarded, flat-footed asthmatic child. All talk, ABSOLUTELY no substance, the guy has the worst case of verbal diarrhea in recorded history. This guy is such an idiot, I actually lose respect for people when they tell me "I don't mind him" or "I listen to his show sometimes". STOP NOW, you are already on the path to mental retardation, listening to this ass-spelunker is a huge warning sign and will only make things worse!


GARY SHEFFIELD

(TUBBS?)

I have never understood how anyone, even fans of the team he is currently on, can like this guy. Now, you may say, "But BH, you were a Manny fan until a couple months ago!". Which is true, but until Manny shoved the elderly traveling secretary for the Red Sox, he was a fairly harmless loon. Sheffield has always seemed like some sort of caged tiger, just waiting for someone to piss him off so he can explode. Hes usually too concerned with whatever his latest feeling of injustice is to worry about being a good teammate or influence on the younger players in the clubhouse.

Not only is he an ass in real life, I hate his video game incarnations too. Putting up with his assholic batting stance is bad enough on a Sunday afternoon as a spectator, why should I have to be distracted by this juvenile display as I'm trying to bring an 8th straight World Series to Boston? Fuck you Gary.


RUDY GIULIANI

(HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU RUDY)

Hey, I do have to give some props to Steven A Smith, at least we agree about this asshat. The fake laughter from Smith when Pat Buchanan mentions Norman Podhoretz(wiki that mofo, hes made his impression felt lately) is priceless. Great job Hardball, insulting a well-respected veteran of the political establishment by making him share a segment with a guy that probably couldn't find America on a map. As for Giuliani, the guys an ass of the highest order. Im not gonna pollute this blog further with this piece of santorum other than to show this.