Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire Part 5: The Mahatma Edition

Every child grows up worshiping athletes as their heroes only rivaled by their love of the Ninja Turtles. But you know what? Most of these children grow up to be bitter and jaded, learning to hate their opponents as much as they loved their childhood heroes. And thus, SUS brings you the fifth of a series, "Athletes We Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire."

Click here to view Miss Met's picks.
Click here to view White Boy South Bronx's picks.
Click here to view Devo's picks.
Click here to view Brooklyn Hillbilly's picks.


by Mahatma


1. Rodney Harrison

A grade A douchebag. Harrison is a dirty son of a bitch that loves playing on the edge between legal and illegal. Unfortunately, homeboy is able to get away because he has that reputation so like all things illegal and the Patriots, the league turns a deaf ear. I hated this tool before he went to the Patriots but since than, his natural douche ‘o’ meter has been upped to near unprecedented levels. Whether it be cheap shotting players or punching balls in piles, you can be rest assured that Harrison is doing his thing. Helmet to Helmut hits no problem, late hits, he can do that too. Thankfully, Harrison has gotten karma’d recently so not all hope is lost. Whether it be in 2005 when Steeler scrub Cedrick Wilson ended his season or in 2006, while making a tackle on Marvin Harrison, Roidney injured his right shoulder and missed the next six weeks of the season. He returned for the Patriots' against the Tennessee Titans, but his season was ended for good the next week after a low block from Bobby Wade injured his right knee. This hatred steamed ahead when Roidney got busted for roids last year. Harrison stated to the media that he used "a banned substance" for "accelerating the healing process from injuries [he] sustained playing football," and "never to gain a competitive edge." Sure you did, asshole. In addition, according to federal agents and Harrison himself, Harrison received a shipment of HGH, with his name on it, just days before the 2004 Super Bowl where he had 2 picks. Again. Douchebag.

2. Shawne Merriman

If there is something I hate more than hyped-up monster, is a hyped-up cheating dog monster that still gets hyped. Merriman is such a thing. Yea he looked awesome his 2nd year running over 350 lb Tackles but now we all know that he is a roided up fraud. The worst was him getting caught and than suspended for 4 games only to return still roided up and than get lauded as the Best Defensive Player of the year. Fortunately for my psyche, Roid Boy returned to his above average self last year to the tune of 10 sacks. Not to mention, I think what truly pisses me is this asshats jackhammer dance. Does he know he looks like he’s taking it up the ass from his boy friend in a motel? Even worse is that the tool has a “Lights Out” catchphrase. I mean really? What is this pro wrestling? Thankfully, Sir-Roids-A-Lot recently got karma’d also and is out for the year. It’s times like this that I’m happy that there is a god and he takes out assholes.

“Roids-out” Merriman is a waste of perfectly good urine.

3. Kendall Simmons

Who? Ask any Steeler fan who knows a damn and he’ll tell you about this walking disaster. I know its sacrilege to hate on your own team but this guy is an absolute worthless mistake that is a consistent detriment to our football team. Simmons was a first round pick in 2002 from Auburn but instead of actually admitting they’ve made a mistake with him, the Steelers continue to use this guy in a starting role. Simmons is the epitome of a practice player. He looks good in practice when he’s running in shorts but you put some pads on him and he is the worst offensive linemen in the league. To make matters worse, after a decent training camp last season, The Steelers lavished Simmons with a 5 year deal worth 24 million. He responded by allowing 10 sacks as a guard which is really embarrassing considering most guards have poor years if they allow 5-6 sacks. Simmons can’t get any movement on defenders in the run game nor can he do anything in pass pro. He has nothing on balance and plays entirely too high to allow for simply shrugging away by opposing defenders. He is simply not strong enough nor coordinated enough to be a starting guard. His only saving grace is his pulling and really what’s the use if you can’t get enough on your block to do anything with that. There have been multiple times when he has had an opportunity to engage a blocker and simply fell to the grass face first like a complete oaff.

For the sake of my franchise and our offense, Kendall should be sent to the bench but apparently he has naked photos of Mike Tomlin and Dan Rooney so he will likely stay in the starting lineup

4. Carson Palmer

I know everyone and their mother loves Carson and his boyishly good looks but really I hate this guy.

Every year the Cornholer comes out in the off-season and says we are the best team in the division. Ha. Not really Carson. Every year he gets lavished as the 3rd best QB in football. I mean sure he has STUPENDOUSLY awesome mechanics and throws a pretty deep ball. He is everything you want in a FANTASY QB. Palmer will do his usual 200 yards passing 2 tds a game but boy if you are in a big game and need something done late, don’t look for Palmer. So much so that I should trademark the Palmer Theorem: "if it's inside two minutes and the Bengals are behind -- it's Palmer turnover time!" Time and time again I’m proven correct. (Editor's note: Not two weeks ago vs the Super Bowl Champs) Heck ask the great White Boy as he rooted on Chokeson to yet another game ending pick.

The problem with Carson is that with all the blame to go around in Cincy, I'm amazed at how Palmer gets off the hook. He gets credit for wins, and a free pass when the team goes down often to Palmer’s inability to produce. Look I’m not saying coming back to lead a game winning or tieing drive is easy but after 5 seasons, you’d think he’d get it done once? Look, you can only blame the criminal element and the defense for so much -- sooner or later you'll have to face reality. His performance -- or should I say fades -- in big games speaks for itself and will continue to do. If I had time, I’d go through Carson’s career and note the exorbitant amount of turnovers at the end of the games on his hands (someone remind me to do this btw)

There’s a difference between being a great passer and being a great quarterback. Palmer may be a great passer, but he’ll never be the total-package quarterback. Until proven otherwise, Carson Palmer is NOT an elite QB no matter what Joe SportsCenter says. He also makes it easy to rip on him: exhibit A or how about this ad.

5. Jay Pandolfo

When you hear a name like Pandolfo, don’t you just think Scrub? Well I do and Pandolfo is just that. You can look up the definition of a no talent ass clown and see Pandoucho’s mugshot right there. Sure some Devil fans will scream ‘OMGZ SELKE CANDIDATE’ but really Pandolfo is a system player that got into the proper role for him and his career and made a living off of it.

He is good defensively and shutdown many of my heroes but the fact of the matter he’s still a no talent ass clown. Pandolfo has benefited from clutch and grab style of hockey and has carved himself a nice niche in the league. By rearing his ways on the clutch and grab hockey, Pandolfo learned the ropes and is one of those guys that can walk that fine line between legal and penalty. He’s like the Pat’s O-Line with the amount of holding he gets away.

Take a look at his stats from hockey db. His highest point total was 27 points! I mean seriously, what a scrub.

I can here the tears of Devil nation rolling down their itty bitty red and white faces but tough shit. It pains me to admit that Douchebag also went to THE Boston University and from that should be one of the cool guys. But no. He played for the devils so he was dead to me. Oh right, there’s also another angle to this. He is related to POS, Mike Pandolfo who was not only scrubbier than Jay but also the finest player that we saw at Terrier land. Honestly, thank god for the worst 4 years of BU hockey where Mike F’n Pandolfo is the best player. Gee thanks. That and I got to see Ryan Whitney begin to hone his purse swinging techniques. Thanks again. For those reason Pandolfo isn’t worthy of my piss. He is worthy of a kick in the nuts though.

-Mahatma