Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Why I'm a Douchebag: Yinzer Edition

There is a simple fact in life: all hardcore sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags.

Click here to see why SHMUCK is a douchebag.
Click here to see why Mahatma is a douchebag. Click here to see why MissMet is a tool. Click here to see why White Boy South Bronx is a douchebag. Click here to see why Devo is a douchebag.


I think this is everyone to be honest. I hate superstition; think it's a crock of shit. Yet when it comes to my teams, especially the Penguins, it's everything. It like it turns us into instant hypocrites or something. We know it's BS yet we cant help but believe it. Maybe we just don't want to be "that guy" whose lack of belief lost the big game.

I will cheer for players to get injured

But not just any players. It's not like I want some cornerback to get Joe Theisman-ed because he intercepted a pass, or a forward get cross checked because he scored a goal. No, the players like those in our "athletes I wouldn't piss on" articles. We're talking people like Tie Domi, Barry Bonds, Latrell Sprewell and Pacman Jones. You know, the real despicable players who are there to injure others, diminish the game they play or are just out and out complete uber douches. Or like Ray Lewis who murders people. Cant forget the criminals.

I actually cheered for MLB to fold during their last strike

Nope, not joking. I really dislike baseball that much (and yes, I know some of you dislike hockey that much, no need to go into it). Especially since a nice big payroll is the key. There are reasons why other sports have caps: to balance things. Baseball? Not so much. Seeing some washed up, out of shape fatass get five million dollars because it's considered market value is absurd to me. Watching baseball actually physically aggravates me I dislike it so much.

If you cheer for certain teams, I think you lack morals.

And by "certain teams" I mean pretty much whoever my team is playing. Or the Patriots and Flyers. We'll use the Pats cause everyone knows them. See, the fans not only support guys like Rodney Harrison who is out to hurt others, Bill Belichick who cheats to win, and Tom Brady who thinks that whole "women and children first" line is the punch line to a joke, but they justify it all. How you can cheer for, and vehemently defend guys who are pieces of crap and shit on the game is just beyond me. So I'm led to the conclusion that something is screwy with you. I don't get how you can side with a team that themselves lacks integrity. And you're cheering for my team to lose and that's not cool. Ass.

Apparently, given the choice of watching the pole dancer or football, football is the correct answer

Due to the Steelers laying an egg for three and a half quarters, me and my compatriots went to the strip bar to drown our sorrows in booze and boobs. The Steelers started to make a game of it towards the end, and my friends starting watching the game (which for some reason was on in the strip bar) with the futile hope that somehow Bill Cowher would somehow actually drive a comeback. Me? I knew better so I was staring at the juggling jugs in front of me for a mere George Washington. They cheered for the Steelers, I cheered for the girl on my lap. Call me crazy, a douchebag, or even straight, but I thought the girls were a lot more amusing.

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