There is a simple fact in life: all hardcore sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags
Click here to see why MissMet is a Tool.
Click here to see why White Boy South Bronx is a Douchebag
Click here to see why Devo is a Douchebag
I Support the Pirates.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me. THey are the worst team in all of sports with no hope in sight. Every year it's the same thing. Can we please stop these Derek Bell-type signings of guys who were good 4 years ago? Bullshit. I go home once in a blue moon and when I do, I usually try to catch a Pirate game. I wear my dumb Pirate hat to support the team despite some idiot giving me crap for it.
I have a couple player t-shirts hidden in the depths of my dresser.
I watch them when they are on TV and even go to a handfull of games here in NY.
I waste time on message boards and blogs getting updates.
I buy the hype that they will improve.
I don't know why I do these things but they gave me my first sports memories (and my first sports heartbreak) so I'll always have a soft spot in my heart. But on the other hand, they haven't been .500 in 16 years!
Enough is enough, you Indian douchebag.
I hate 90% of the players on my teams.
I'm an asshole because I loathe 90% of the players on the Penguins and the Steelers. (and probably about 99% of the Pirates) Whether it be Rob Suckderi's lack of anything, Tyrone Carter's lack of speed, Kendoll Simmons' lack of talent, Larry Foote's missed tackkles, I'm the 'I want this mofo off my team' guy. When a player continues to display scrubdom, I point it out. Sure, I know they are better than me and more athletic but I can still hate them and voice my displeasure.
I even hate my teams' legends.
Stubborn, predictable, and lacking strategy in every walk of life.
Hockey version of Bill Cowhard.
Call me an elitist, but I like to hype the players that deserve it. (See Joey Porter '01-03/Faneca '00-'04). I extend this crap to other teams when I hear about Carson "3rd best QB in the NFL" Palmer or Tony "Young Favre" Romo. I'm all for giving players their props when they deserve it, but not when they luck into crap. Nor when their skills decline to horrendous levels. Granted, there are some exceptions that even I can't attempt to defecate upon: Mario, Bradshaw (Terry or Ahmad?) Jagr, Woodson, Lloyd, etc..
I wish injuries upon MY OWN TEAM'S players.
Look, have you seen Ian Moran, Rico Fata, Kendoll Simmons, Sean Mahan, Larry Foote, Burnt Alexander, Tyrone Carter, Lee Mays, or Michel Ouellette play for more than two years? They were/are awful. But for whatever reason, they saw/see playing time. So sometimes even I have to root for my team's players to get injured, but only for the team's greater good. And yes, I know I have no soul.
I'm easily the most superstitious person around to an almost douchebaggy degree. If we win in whatever outfit I am wearing, you can rest assured that said outfit is being worn no matter how much it smells like whiskey, cigarette, and nachos. Sure, there are some limitations to this, mostly relating to socks and boxers, but everything else is fair game. And when we lose, you better believe that those clothes are the first thing going into the laundry bin. But I do even dumber things, including but not limited to:
-standing in the same place we scored the last point (See Stanley Cup Game 5) without moving
-sitting at the same chair/table
-routinely alternating my hat between backwards, sideways, front, rally, as if I control the universe.
-ordering the same meal if we win, even if it makes me sick (kielbasa)
-banning friends from watching games because we lose in their presence (Ask Devo if he's allowed to watch Steeler games with BH, me, and the rest of Steeler nation)
-I can't DVR my teams' games anymore because we lose every game I DVR-basically I'm spending $10/month recording Criminal Minds.
Who does all that? This sports douchebag, that's who.
Blowing off the non-sports friends.
Um, yeah, sorry, but if my team is playing when you have an event or want to hang out, I will likely decline or show up fashionably drunk. Sorry, but my team is on! It's not that bad I guess, it's not like I'm blowing off people for Counterstrike practice...
I'm physically bothered by losses.
We've had talks about this amongst ourselves behind the blogging scenes, but a majority of the writers here take losses very hard. Some have different outlets, including
-hitting things (see Boy, White)
-throwing things (see Boy, White)
-punching things (see Boy, White)
-pointing out that Eric Lindros was a failure during Eagles games (see Dev0)
-offending the bartender after a loss by confusing their gender (a certain outer borough from the Confederate territory)
I fall into the "hey, let's go to the 5 shots for $10 place" after some big losses. There was a time when I didn't even drink during sporting evenst. I guess it all changed for thee worse during Steelers/Ravens, '06. 9 Ratbird sacks and a 27-0 loss later, I began my Sunday whiskey consumption.
Growing up, I didn't care THAT much. I was up and down with losses, but I'm pretty fuckin far away from that level now. Maybe it's that I want a Super Bowl and/or a Stanley Cup every season, except that it only happens in video games. Perhaps my Madden mastery has spoiled me?
I talked to an old school Stiller fan one day at a bar in Pittsburgh during a bad losing streak during '05. He kept telling me to keep the games and seasons in perspective. He said something along the lines of this: 'A story is being told, and that story isn't over after the game or after the season. It carries on each year throughout your lifetime. In the end, you should just want to be entertained for a few hours per week."
Imagine if we HADN'T won the Super Bowl that year? My god I'm one big bag of douche.