Why I'm a Sports Douchebag Part 2: The White Boy South Bronx Edition

There is a simple fact in life: all hard core sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags.

For Part I, The Devo Edition, click here

1) I yell at players on opposing teams or players on teams I hate while I am watching a game on TV- Devo can attest to this. He is the one who made me aware of my douchebaggery as it pertains to this unfortunate habit of mine. He noticed me cursing out the image of Tony Romo through the plasma TV at a sports bar in DC. Not only is this illogical, it makes you look kind of psychotic. You would think, in spite of my proclivities towards douchebaggery, I might decide to stop doing this right? Wrong. I continue to do it at an alarming rate. Thankfully my girlfriend has not, at least has not yet, left me over this.

2) I think it is immoral to root for a team that is not from your home area (sort of)- I only say sort of because if your hometown area does not have any team within say 90 miles of your home, I can’t blame you for rooting for a popular and/or good team. For example, my friend, let’s call him, Iowa, Is a Steeler’s fan but is from Iowa. Therefore he is exempt from my morality clause. In addition, if your parent or sibling indoctrinates you to a team, you are also exempt from this rule, like the artist formerly known as Merloni. However, people who grew up in New York who are Cowboys fans make me sick. As do Bulls fans from anywhere that is not within 90 miles of Chicago. I have gotten into passionate arguments with friends who think this makes me very judgmental. I don’t give a shit. I think it’s wrong and will continue to think this way. Therefore, because of my inflexible stance on this issue, I am in fact a rather large douchebag.

3) When I am watching my rival, I become a person who the normal Whiteboy despises- My favorite quote of the campaign season so far was the great Howard Dean’s quote of, “the John McCain of 2000 wouldn’t vote for this John McCain.” The same can be said of normal Whiteboy in regards to rival-hating-White Boy; I become thin skinned, very irritable and quite frankly a douchebag. I even sometimes talk a big game to large dudes who could kick my ass with their pinkies. The regular Whiteboy thinks this version of Whiteboy is a total fuckup and embarrassment to society. This split personality makes me an enormous douchebag.

4) I hate anyone who is from Boston and Philadelphia purely because they root for the Eagles and Redsox- Okay, I am a little less bigoted than that. I just am much less likely to be friends with you if you support these teams. I could meet a girl who is really smart, funny, nice and hot, maybe she is even a democrat too, but I could not imagine myself dating her if she was either a Sox or Eagles fan. My Yankee and Giants fandom is too ingrained in me to say to myself, “Whiteboy, it’s just sports teams, you can’t base a relationship on this.” I cannot do this because I am a monumentally huge douchebag. Any good and decent person would be able to get past this but I just can’t, damn I suck don’t I?

5) I apparently have no sympathy for friends having shitty weekends and still take tremendous pleasure when my team beats his team- This has happened on many occasions because who amongst us has not had a shitty weekend, week, month or even year. However, if my team is playing your team, mainly in football, I just don’t have 1 ounce of sympathy when my team plays your team. I even wave bye bye sarcastically to that friend’s team’s QB when my team has put the game away. Sure I am sympathetic to other issues my friend may be having even it is involving his other sports teams. However, I could never say I’d give back my team’s win over his team, no matter how good of a time I have/had been having or as shitty as a time as he/she has/had been having recently. For this reason I am a cold hearted and even more gargantuan douchebag. Sorry Iowa, BH and Mahatma. Fuck it, I’m not sorry, 6-1 baby!!!! Oh and also not sorry to you B.I.G. about my actions at last year’s game against your Bills.

-White Boy South Bronx