Thursday, October 23, 2008

Why I'm A Sports Douchebag: The Devo Edition

There is a simple fact in life: all hard core sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags.

Part I: Devo Edition

-Hockey is Canada's pastime. So how do I honor our beady-eyed neighbors to the north when I watch their game? By drinking Molson, aka the Canadian Budweiser during all hockey related events. Sure, I could drink a good beer. But nah, let's honor Canada by drinking it's piss flavored watered down beer!

-And while we're talking about hockey, a story for which my douchebagginess is legendary: Game 7 of the 2003, Devils/Ducks Stanley Cup Finals. Mahatma, his Jack Daniels, me, and my Molson. Now, what I love about hockey is that if you go to the bathroom for any 30 second spot, you can miss the entire game. With the small bladder, I have, I took this to heart, by making a bathroom run during EVERY TV TIMEOUT. Nice bladder, ya douchebag.

-Superstitions are retarted. But when it comes to my teams, I'm superstitious as hell. After all, the team can only do so much to put themselves in a position to win-after that it's up to me to wear my same lucky cheese whiz stained BU jersey to put us over the top. But it also involves me doing everything in my power, rational and irrational, to make sure that I watch specific games in lucky locations. Two examples:

  • In the '99-'00 NHL playoffs, whenever we watched the games at SHMUCK's parents' place, the Devils won. So clearly we had to watch the entire '00-'01 playoffs there as well. I'm pretty sure we woke up his parents every time Colin White committed a stupid roughing penalty. And as Yinzer or BH can attest to, that went down quite a bit that summer.
  • Two of my boys went to Hoboken to watch the Giants-Packers NFC Championship game. It never came to this, but I was ready to physically threaten those guys if they decided to not watch the Super Bowl there. For most people going to Hoboken is nothing more than a few slightly long train rides. But for the 'locals' like BH and Mahatma who think that Hoboken is half a world away, they're clearly thinking that my boys were masochistic.
-And lastly, I am a douchebag (or maybe just gay) because when I have been at a sports bar watching a game, girls have occasionally come up to me to have a conversation. (This isn't me bragging. This has happened like 3 times in the 7 years I've watched games at bars.) And when the choice is between talking to a halfway decent girl (who looks porn-star-hot when compared to the overweight masses attending the sports bar) or watching a game, what do I do? Yeah, I watch the game. Hell, my first time at a strip club (when I was 16, giggidy) I had a choice of watching the strippers or a mid-August Yankee/Toronto game. Guess what this douchebag chose to watch?

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