What I Learned This Weekend

-It's impossible to miss a sporting event, TiVo it, and go back and watch it without finding out the score ahead of time.

My dad and I were at a wedding Sunday afternoon during the Giants/49ers. The plan was to turn off our cell phones and TiVo it so that we could watch it when we got home. A rough timeline of what went down:

2:20: Ya know what? Missing the Giants game isn't that big a deal. My cousin is feeding me the Dallas score, and I'm ok with not knowing the Giants score quite yet. This could be alright...

2:30: Fuck it, the suspense is killing me. I ask my cousin to tell me the score and tell White Boy that I need consistent updates. So much for holding out.

2:45: I ask my Dad if he wants to know the score of the game. He says no. Me, multiple beers/wines/champagnes into the afternoon says 17-10, Giants. Clearly I'm handling my liquor well.

4:15: The band leader says something like "It's a beautiful day here, the bride and groom look beautiful, and even the Giants won!" My cousin and I start laughing our asses off as my dad picks a fight with the bandleader. Part of that last sentence may not be completely true, but you get the point.

-Red Sox Playoff games + me drinking=me nearly fighting. Twice.
Near-fight #1
We're in a bar in Jersey City. I cheer for Tampa Bay. The guy sitting down and I start talking, and it gets to the point that I say I'm a Yankee fan. The details are fuzzy the day after, but I think he started saying something like 'why do you take so much joy in rooting against a team?' So I respond in what must have been an embarrassingly loud voice "FUCK THE RED SOX! FUCK THE PATRIOTS! FUCK THE CELTICS! FUCK THE BRUINS! FUCK BOSTON!" Why do I know this was embarrassingly loud voice? Well, when my rant ended the guy gave me one of those "Fuck it, this argument ain't worth winning if this guy is as crazy as that outburst makes him appear." That ended that fight

Near-fight #2
Ok, so this wasn't almost a fight as much as this was just me being an asshole. I went into this other bar with 1 out in the 9th, ordered a drink, chugged and then started saying "Hail to the Red Sox" to the tune of Hail to the Redskins as I ran out the door of the bar before people had the chance to fight me. Am I an asshole? Yeah, but I'm okay with that. More importantly, there's 5 people who only had a Jersey City bar in common who are all wondering who the hell that kid was who came in, drank half his Yuengling, and left while shouting anti-Red Sox epithets.

I'm the greatest drinker of anyone I'm related to.

If you've been to a gathering with my cousins on my dad's side and myself, you'll come to a quick realization: I can drink any of my cousins under the table. Having drank with cousins on my mom's side for the first time ever, I can safely say that I'm also the best drinker on my mom's side as well, making me the greatest drinker in at least two families. Mom and Dad wanted a doctor or a (employed) lawyer, but they got an alcoholic. Oops.