Monday, December 1, 2008

Plax v. Starbury : Who ya got?


Lately the two ongoing sagas in New York sports media have been the inevitable buyout of Marbury's $19M bargain-of-a-contract and the Plaxico Burress failed attempted text message that left a not-so-artificial pimp walk. That said, Plax v. Starbury, who ya got?

(And yeah, I'd rather be Starbury too given that he gets paid $19m/yr to space out for his 3 hours of "work" 3-4 days a week, but every other angle on this story is taken.)

The crime
Plax: Almost killed himself feeling around for his cell phone.
Almost killed his teams feeling around for an open shot. With the Wolves. With the Suns. With the Nets. And now with the Knicks.
Edge: Plax. Plax almost physically killed himself. Starbury ruined the nights of tens of thousands of fans 60 times per year. I'm pretty sure White Boy, a fan of both, will tell you that he feels worse about Starbury.

If Plax and Starbury are good guys, then the bad guys are...
That pesky gun shaped cell phone.
Starbury: Jason Kidd (twice) and Steve Nash, both of whom have shown how life can be without Starbury in their franchise's life.
Edge: Plax. One thing the U.S. court system has taught us-two white guys harming a black guy doesn't make the white guys "bad guys."

The fallout from their crimes
The Giants will go on to win the Super Bowl, Mayor Bloomberg becomes known as a tough-on-crime Mayor for being able to make toothless political speeches at key times.
Starbury: The Nets get good and make two Finals runs. The Suns get good and are a Robert Horry cheap shot away from winning it all two years ago. Hell, even the Minnesota Timberwolves went to the Conference Finals with nothing but KG after Starbury was traded.
Edge: Starbury. Starbury's Nets fallout got me to do the about basketball!

Has won...
A Super Bowl.
Starbury: Um, some Nathan's hot dogs when he was 17?
Edge: Plax. But don't let that pick fool you-Nathan's Hot Dogs are REAL good.

The biggest surprise relating to the crime was:
Plax actually bothered to register his gun in Florida once upon a time.
Starbury: The Knicks actually made the playoffs his first year in New York, leading Knick fans to believe that they'd actually win a playoff game.
Edge: Plax. Shame on Knicks fans for expecting to win a playoff game. Needy sons of bitches.

And what do their teammates think of them?
True friends, like AP, will hide the murder weapon.
Starbury: Let's just say that if Starbury had any friends on the team, they would have been recording the intern-bang for all on the internet to enjoy.
Plax. Though I'm not sure if I want a Starbury celebrity sex tape.

Yeah, but have they banged an intern?
You betcha!
Plax: Probably...why not? You think he went clubbing to hear the latest in NYC techno? This guy is as faithful to his wife as Bill Clinton. Not that this makes him different from any other athlete, simply pointing it out.
Edge: Starbury. As Plax is about to learn, actual proof wins out over inferences 9 times out of 10 in a court of law. Unless an inner-city jury is involved.

Winner: Plax. Wow, not even banging an intern, the ultimate sign of "cool" can save Starbury.

1 comment:

White Boy South Bronx said...

to be fair, I literally thought he would lead the Knicks to EXACTLY 1 playoff win.