Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Do's and Dont's of Karaoke

Mahatma, White Boy and I went karaokeing recently along with some other friends of mine. It was their second time that week (and it was only Friday) but it was the first time that I had gone in a few years. While there, I quickly learned what to do and what not to do when doing your best Bill Murray Lost In Translation imitation.

To start off, there are 4 types of people in this world.

1) Those who are simply fantastic singers.
2) Those who are adequate singers.
3) Those who aren't good but either think they're good or still try to sound good regardless.
4) Those who aren't good singers, know they're not good singers, and purposefully try to sound like nothing other than the next William Hung.

If you're (1), more power to you. You're a chosen person. (Not a chosen person like White Boy, Yinzer, MissMet, myself or SHMUCK, but I digress.) You have a gift, and it's fantastic to hear you perform in a karaoke bar. But if you're (2) or (3), a word of advice: STOP TRYING TO SOUND GOOD. YOU'RE IN A GODDAMN KARAOKE BAR! DAVID GEFFEN IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR. NEITHER IS SUGE KNIGHT. (Though that might be a good thing as far as Suge is concerned.) So to make a loud and long story short, stop trying to sound good. Hate to break it to you, but you're not. You're in a loud karaoke bar, trying to do your best imitation of a drunk Japanese businessman. Not only don't you sound good, but no one is impressed that you're trying to sound good. So stop.

A few more do's and don'ts:

Don't: Do rock songs with cool riffs.

Unless you want to hear the Sweet Emotion riff on a synthesizer.

Do: Sing in front of strange, drunk, people
This is becoming a conflict amongst my friends and I. Should you do karaoke in a small room with friends or should you perform in a big crowd full of strangers? I'm in the big crowd group, but apparently most of my people are in the small crowd. On the one hand, with the small rooms, you get to sing in front of your friends, and you get more chances to sing. But on the other hand, what's karaoke if you're not singing in front of a group of strangers? And don't discount the fact that the small rooms are replicas of private rooms at a strip club.

Do: Sing with someone who is less coordinated than you.

Because when you're jumping around to Chumbawumba, not looking as cool as you feel, it's comforting to know that the other dude looks worse.

Don't sing by yourself unless you can get the crowd into it.
This reminds me of when I saw a Taiwanese dude sitting at a table all by himself singing some Chinese song with nothing but 12 empties to keep him company. And sorry to say, but it also reminds me of SUS's own White Boy singing Enter Sandman.

Don't do slow songs.

Unless you're guy (4). In that case you should sing "The Reason," by Hoobastank. Sing it loud, and sing it proud.


Mahatma said...

there needs to be a clearer distinction between 1 and 2. I'd level it off in a 5 tiered system.

That being said i'd be content at 2/3 because frankly i'm the best SUS has to offer. Although, i'd say "Yatzer" would be number 1 if he wanted to be.

devo said...

All I'm saying is that I'm a 4. Definitely a 4.