Wednesday, December 17, 2008

BH explains why he's a (sports) douchebag

There is a simple fact in life: all hardcore sports fans are douchebags when they watch their teams. With that said, it's now time for the writers of your 10th most favorite website to tell about the little and not so little things that they do that qualify them as Sports Douchebags.

Click here to have Yinzer tell you why he's a sports douchebag.

Click here to have SHMUCK tell you he's a sports douchebag.

Click here to see why Mahatma is a sports douchebag.

Click here to see why MissMet is a sports tool.

Click here to see why White Boy South Bronx is a sports douchebag.

Click here to see why Devo is a sports douchebag.

I have no faith in my teams- Every drop back for a pass, every odd-man rush, every crucial at-bat, I expect disaster. Where failure is possible, I believe my teams will rise to the occasion and drop the ball. In 5 years of Ben Roethlisberger's career, I have not drawn a breath between the moment he throws a pass and the moment the ball is either caught or drops to the ground. I try to project an air of confidence to the outside world but it's all a sham to fool myself into not making a scene. Hockey is the worst, as I've learned over the years with goalies like David Aebisher and Sean Fields in net, disaster is only a moment away and I cringe inside at every shot on goal. Constant muttering goes hand in hand with this and only the presence of bigger douchebags (hey Mahatma!) will make me seem the least bit positive. I guess that makes me a grumpy douchebag.

I have a compulsive need for sports memorabilia- I have the greatest football jersey in the history of football jerseys, a #88 Lynn Swann throwback. Why is it great? I've yet to see anyone else with one, I get complimented on it nearly every week at Steeler bars and it's nice to pay tribute to one of the legends of football history. And yet not a week goes by that I don't troll the internet for new jerseys like a bored married man cruising "erotic services" on Craigslist or creeping slowly through Hunts Point. It's a seedy practice and it makes me feel like I'm cheating on my jersey, but I cant help it. We've all seen the NFL Shop commercial with the room decked out in Steeler gear, frankly it has inspired me to recreate that exact scene in my home one day(minus Steely McBeam of course). But its not just Steeler stuff, I have boxes of Penguins, Avalanche, Broncos and WVU gear sitting in boxes in my parents' attic. Most of it I have outgrown (physically and mentally; I don't need my Starting Lineup or hockey puck collection scaring people away). It takes all my willpower to prevent myself from buying t-shirts or other crap when I'm on various college campuses and I've got a hat or shirt from most professional teams in the various cities I've lived in/near. Mind you, I've never cheered for the Orioles in my life, but I've still got a sweet old school hat of theirs. I don't know if this makes me a sports douchebag or just a run-of-the-mill commercial douchebag, but I'm a douchebag nonetheless.

I can dish it out, but have a hard time taking it- Yes, I am a sensitive man of the new millennium, especially when it comes to my teams. I get angry and spiteful when my boys are ridiculed by strangers, especially ones wearing opposing teams colors. Not just when I'm a fan either. All my friends from Hillbilly-land remember my profanity laced tirade launched at a car full of opposing soccer players in front of my parents. Yes, I'm a good sport. And a douchebag.

I judge people based on the teams they root for- I noticed everyone sort of put this one down, so I guess its a common sentiment. I don't need to elaborate further than to say I will hang out with a bible-thumping born again conservative before I will hang out with a Ravens or Red Wings fan.



Mahatma said...

BH extends his douchebaggery to all walks of life not just sports.

The Brooklyn Hillbilly said...

thats right, i extend a long way. hey ladies....