Belichick Seeks to Motivate Cassel

At today’s press conference, Bill Belichick was asked to address the primary question going into this week’s game against the Arizona Cardinals: how is Matt Cassel going to play?

Cassel had the worst showing of his career against the Pittsburgh Steelers three weeks ago, then was barely able to pull out a win against the flightless Seahawks. Then tragedy struck with the death of his father. He rebounded that week with a four touchdown performance against the Raiders that once again got everyone abuzz about the first year starter. But Patriots head coach Bill Belichick didn’t brush off the apparent coincidence of Cassel’s performance in relation to the death of a family member, especially after two weeks of struggling play.

“We’re going to keep killing people he loves.” Belichick said at his latest press conference. “You can’t ignore the direct correlation between his grief and his play. In order to keep that up, we’re going to have to keep him depressed.”

When asked how he plans to go about killing everything Cassel holds dear, Belichick responded “it’s a team effort. We’re a team, we work together, we all put in the effort. No one person can do it.” He continued, “This isn’t something we have a lot of experience with. I’ve gotten in touch with guys like Ray Lewis, who has been a big help. He’s given us a lot of tips on how to avoid conviction without spending millions.”

While murder is normally frowned upon by the media and fans, nearly every outlet has thrown their full support behind Belichick, praising him for his originality in motivation and his willingness to do whatever it takes to win.

“The move is pure genius.” Chris Berman of ESPN said. “Only a genius like Belichick would be able to plan and execute such an intricate scheme. It goes to show why he is the greatest coach ever.”

Belichick made it clear nothing was safe. “We’ll kill the girl he lost his virginity to. Childhood sweetheart? Gone. I don't care.” But he admitted there is more to the situation than just killing. “There is strategy involved; I mean who do you kill when? Obviously, we’re going to save the more important people for the tougher games. We’re not going to kill his mom to beat the Bengals or the Raiders. We’re saving her for Super Bowl. Bad teams, we’ll just kill a neighbor, or a distant cousin. I don't know, we don't have it fully planned out. But if I have to feed his goldfish until it explodes, so be it.”

Matt Cassel was not available for comment, leaving the team for family reasons earlier in the day.