Thursday, May 14, 2009

Capitals File Rape Charges Against Penguins

It has been less than 24 hours since their game 7 loss to the Penguins, but the Capitals are already looking for some measure of justice, or even revenge. This morning lawyers for the Capitals officially submitted rape charges against the Pittsburgh Penguins, claiming that the black and gold clad team has repeatedly abused them both physically and emotionally in the NHL postseason dating back to the mid 1990’s.

“It’s absurd” Owner Ted Leonsis said, teary eyed after having to watch a game 7 where the hated Sidney Crosby, not to mention the rest of the Penguins, had their way with the Capitals. “Every time we meet them in the playoffs, no matter who is on either team, they just bend us over and do what they please.”

The series, claimed as one of the most entertaining in NHL history by multiple writers and commentators, was expected to end in another close game full of action. However it ended the same as any other Penguins-Capitals series, with the Caps being on the receiving end.

“They did that on purpose; they intended that all along.” Leonsis continued. “They could have ended that series anytime they wanted. But they wanted to torture us. They wanted to wait to game seven, the most emotional game, and they wanted to do it in front of our fans so the toll would be greater.

“Do you think we really scored those two goals? No, we didn’t. They’re goalie (Marc-Andre Fleury) was told to just give us a few so we could get our hopes up and they could just crush them again.”

When asked of the effects on the players, Leonsis said many were upset and crying over the ordeal. Some actually had repressed memories already, unable to recall the game at all. Head coach Bruce Boudreau was as adamant as the owner on what the Pens did. “We have a locker room full of guys just sitting there in shock over what happened. You have guys like (Matt) Bradley, (Dave) Steckel, (Brooks) Laich and (Boyd) Gordon who are practically in shock because they were shown what a bunch of no-talent ass clowns they really are.

“Think about it; how do guys like those stay in the league? Because they don't know how bad they are. Now that the Pens showed them they suck, they may never recover.” When asked if one of the four suffered worst, Boudreau had an immediate answer. “Bradley. This is a guy the 2004 Penguins, one of the worst teams in NHL history, didn’t want on their team after the year. And he always thought it was because they were cheap and didn’t want to pay him, but now he knows it’s because he’s a terrible hockey player. We immediately put him on suicide watch and are keeping him away from sharp object.”

But does that include the skates he wears?

“Yes.” Boudreau said. “We had to take them off for him because we were afraid he might ‘accidently’ cut himself.”

But the Capitals head coach wasn’t finished. “The person you feel worst of all for is Alex.”

When asked which Alex he was referring to, Ovechkin or Semin, Boudreau became angered.

“Which Alex do you think I mean? The one that actually showed up this series, the one who’s last name that isn’t a male bodily fluid and who doesn’t fight like a five year old girl.” Taking a moment to calm down he continued. “As I said, Alex is hurt most of all. He finally had a chance to prove to everyone he was better than Sidney Crosby and he failed. Crosby showed up when it counted and he didn’t. Alex had his whole press conference speech written down. He was going to taunt and insult the Penguins so he could show what a juvenile, classless jackass he really is to the world. And now he can’t do that. We can’t even get him out of the trainer’s room. He’s locked himself in there and has been crying the whole time.”

When asked if Ovechkin was overreacting to the loss, Boudreau had an earnest answer.

“How would you feel if you had a chance to prove you were the best in the world, and instead just got slapped around like a bitch?”

Boudreau, whose post game press conferences had become excuse laden whine-fests, was asked if he had any to offer up after the series ending loss.

“Excuses?” he asked. “I’ve got plenty of excuses, but we’ll get to those tomorrow. I’d bring extra tape if I were you because I’ve got a lot of excuses why we lost, and none have to do with something as simple as the Pens outplaying us.”

Part of the Capitals argument will rely on witnesses from around the NHL who claim to have the same thing done to them, with the key witness being Philadelphia defenseman Derian Hatcher. Hatcher has long been abused by Crosby since the superstar entered the league, and Hatcher knew that one day his reign of terror would end.

“For the past four years, every time I play him he abuses me. He acts nice, but it’s just a show. He does it to sucker you in. He told me my hair was pretty, it was a nice perm and asked who cut it, and then he would turn around and make a fool out of me in front of twenty thousand people, and sometimes on national TV.” Though he was choked up by this point, Hatcher continued with what is surely just a glimpse of his future testimony. “And the worst part of all? No one did anything. Thousands of people just stood there and watched as he did it. Not a single one of them helped me. They even cheered when he did it, and announcers would exclaim what a great play it was and talk about his amazing stick skills. How can any decent person laugh and cheer at such a despicable act?”

No one is sure what the Capitals chances are of succeeding in having the charges stick, with some saying the court will merely throw them out. Regardless the Caps plan to proceed undaunted in their endeavor to finally make the Penguins pay for their crimes.

“We have video evidence over the past fifteen years that includes the Penguins forcibly taking the playoff series seven of eight times from the Capitals, and in all cases doing bodily and emotional harm to Capitals.” Said Washington based attorney Herman Lipowitz, who will be representing the Capitals. He showed the below picture to the press, which he referred to as a "typical scene during a Penguins-Capitals playoff series."

“We have Jim Carey giving a testimony” he continued, referring to the Capitals goalie during much of the nineties and of no relation to the actor. “His career was ruined by the Penguins. Every game he played against the Penguins that team took regular turns passing him around and scoring on him. It became too much and he was forced to retire from the league.”

“They just don't know when to quit” said Jonathan Rosen, who will be handling legal matters for the Penguins. “The Capitals think the on the ice is the only place the Penguins can bend them over?”

The Capitals refuse to withdraw the charges, so the only question that remains is whether the legal battle will be a hard fought contest like games one through six, or the lopsided victory that was game seven?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Best article in cite history. Wow

Whiteboy secret location