Why I Hate Baseball

So since this is a New York site primarily, there is quite a bit of talk about the Yankees and the Mets. The truth is though when I read those articles, I really have no idea what they’re talking about because frankly to me baseball is one of the most boring things ever. It’s the daytime soap opera of the sports world (and no, I don’t count curling, that’s an insult to sports) and just fails to capture my interest on every level. Now I know a lot more people watch baseball than my sport of choice hockey, but I don’t care and feel free to make fun of hockey, you wont say anything I haven't heard a hundred times over. So here are the reasons why I hate baseball.


It’s boring as all hell
This is of course the primary reason we as humans don’t watch things. I played baseball when I was a kid and watched it back then too, but then as I grew up I realized “Jesus, nothing is actually happening.” I mean they stand there, pitch, pitch, foul ball, pitch, strikeout, pitch, pitch, pitch, walk… you get the point by now. So when someone actually hits the damn ball people get excited. Why? Because it meant something finally fucking happened that’s why! Honestly, just sit and think about a hit for a moment. A guy standing still just hit a ball. Is that really an exciting thing?


You can be an out of shape fat ass and still be one of the best players in the league
You’re probably saying “football is filled with fat asses!” and yes, that is true. However, that 350lb fat ass can also run you down and break in you half. The baseball fatties? They’re just plain fat, like some middle age drunk that stumbled out of the bar. You see pitchers with these huge guts that even their uniforms cant hide, and wonder how when they pitch their stomach doesn’t make them fall over. Look at the Red $ox David Ortiz a.k.a. Big Fatty. Huge gut hanging out yet heralded as one of the best in the game. This guy cant even run around the bases for god’s sake, it’s like watching an out of breath hippo drag itself along. And if the base coaches want to get him to move faster they are forced to wave twinkies to motivate him to do so. Really, it’s embarrassing.


The designated hitter rule: legal cheating
I distinctly remember one time in little league where my team caught the other cheating. What were they doing? Having one kid pitch and another kid hit in his place because each was better at that those respective duties (for the record instead of making them forfeit we continued the game to show we could still outright beat them which we did). It was forbidden by the rules. Yet somehow this basic rule was cast aside and now instead of making a pitcher hit you can put in someone else. I’m sorry, but that’s not playing the game. Ortiz (sorry, as I don’t watch baseball I don’t really know anyone else)? He doesn’t play baseball. He hits. In order to play baseball he needs to take the field. Of course if they put him out there he’d probably just start grazing but I digress. What if hockey could just throw a third defenseman on the ice? Or a football team an extra receiver? That’s pretty much what you’re doing with baseball.




Things you can do during a baseball game while not actually missing anything:
Read War and Peace
Take a crap and read the paper
Be the thirtieth person in line at the concession stand and make it back to your seat
Have a quickie
Watch the entire North-South mini series
Recover from ACL surgery
Be kidnapped by aliens
Run a marathon

Just some ideas for you.


Economic System? What’s that?
Most sports now have a cap to keep spending out of control, or at least limit the amount of stupid contracts one team can give out. Baseball though only has some pathetic luxury tax that has proven to do absolutely nothing. Now things are to the point where mediocre players get $5mm a year. It’s kind of sad when you think about it.


Pansies
That’s how I see a lot of these players. Not that they don’t have a few bad asses, but when you’re a hockey fan or football fan you know the only way a player is not going back onto that ice/field is if you snap a limb in half or cause severe head trauma. Hell, one of the Penguins player had a broken nose, then took a slap shot to the face that made the remainder of his nose pretty much explode. Ten minutes later after some quick repair he was back on the ice. Don’t really see much of that in baseball.



And did I mention nothing freakin happens during the games?