Sunday, May 3, 2009

Ok, I'm almost ready to talk hockey again: A Bruins/Canes Preview




There's lots of things I hate in this world. Right now, the first things that come to mind are happy people and people with hair, though usually they are one in the same. With that said, let's direct some of this hate towards the Bruins/Canes series.

Why I Hate the Bruins:

The short answer is easy. A Bruins fan is a Patriots fan is a Red Sox fan.

The long answer is slightly more complex. I've always been a strong believer that the easiest way to hate a team is to find a fan of the team you can't stand and associate them with the team. It's why I hated the Flyers ever since I had an asshole boss from Philly back in high school. It's why I hated the Patriots ever since my roommate who never cleaned the apartment celebrated the 2001 Super Bowl he waited a solid 3 months of his life for. And it's why I hated the Bruins ever since I met Masshole Pete from West Hartford.

Masshole Pete, probably due to being from West Hartford and not Massachusetts Proper, had a massive inferiority complex. This complex allowed him to win arguments by continuing them long after you decided to give up the argument, get a beer, and stumble into a conversation with the fairer sex. The weirdest part about Masshole Pete though was that while all of New England cared about the Red Sox, the Super Bowl winning Patriots or the rejuvenated Pierce/'Twan Celtics, Masshole Pete cared about the Bruins. More specifically, Masshole Pete was a big Joe Thornton fan, and not a year went by without a guarantee by said douchebag that Thornton, ever the clutch player, would lead the Bruins to a Stanley Cup victory. And yeah, it was fun to watch Masshole Pete cry as the '03 Devils ended Thornton's run in the first round. And when Masshole Pete decided to become a Celtics fan for the Nets/Celtics playoff series a few weeks later? Yeah, that was kinda sweet too.

Thank you Masshole Pete for giving me a reason to hate the least hateable Boston team.

Why I Hate the Canes

This is easy.

First, let's start with some basic science: EVERY PERSON FROM NORTH CAROLINA IS INBRED. I know what you're thinking: Hey Devo, the Carolina fans aren't the only inbred hockey fans, are they? No kind reader, they're not. There's a word for this type of acceptable inbred hockey fans: Canadians. We accept them because they gave us hockey, and we let them keep their little corner of North America, but other than that, we don't let them make any decisions after they collectively decided "You know what would get us ratings? Putting the NHL on VS!"

Second, CAROLINIANS KNOW NASCAR, NOT HOCKEY. Every time they cheer an offsides call thinking that they're about to get a power play, I die a little bit inside. Next issue.

Lastly, and most importantly, some towns, deserve a hockey team, Carolina does not. The Rangers and Flyers are slightly more popular than a swine-flu-infested Adolf Hitler here at SUS, but at least on some level, deep down in places that we don't talk about at cocktail parties, we want them on that wall of hate. We NEED them on that wall. And so while I'd sooner declare my allegiance to President Limbaugh than the Flyers, Rangers, Bruins, etc...there's at least a certain amount of legitimacy that each of these teams possess by playing in a hockey town. Carolina? Not so much.

Boston in 5.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to wipe off the stench that comes from rooting for a Boston team.


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Mahatma said...

That picture will scar me for life. Thanks..