Friday, March 6, 2009

What Really Grinds my Gears: NBA edition

1) Starbury- What a dill hole. He has gone the way of Gary Payton and Junior Seau rather than going the honorable way like Reggie Miller. Yea, I just praised Reggie Miller. That is how sickening it is to see this egomaniacal psychotic pothead get a ring as the team’s 7th best player. Payton did this successfully (sans the psychoses) with Miami and Seau attempted to do this (sans pot) and was one David Tyree catch away from succesfully getting that elusive ring. For those of you who don’t recall, Payton jumped on the Heat Bandwagon and rode the bench and Dwayne Wade to the 2006 NBA title. Marbury is certainly a likely candidate to successfully ride a team’s coattails to a title. I just don’t see the joy in winning a title when you never won one at your peak and now do so as a non-entity for a random team. It makes you look like a carpetbagger. If that helps you sleep at night Steph, G-d bless ya. Here's to the Celtics losing in the conference finals in a game 7 at Cleveland.

2) Knicks: Another, albeit brief, edition of pessimistic and optimistic Whiteboy-

a. Optimistic Whiteboy- This team has been so exciting to watch this year. It is in the top 5 in the league in scoring and 3 pointers made. It already has 2 more wins than it earned all of last season and is only 1 loss out of the 8 spot in the East. I just think that at the end of the day, this team is more talented way better coached, and plays better as a unit than the Milwaukees, New Jerseys and Chicagos of the world. Mike D “I’m not a Beastie Boy” Antoni deserves Coach of the Year honors for what he’s done with this team this year.

b. Pessimistic Whiteboy- Put down the pot dude. Actually screw that, I want whatever you are smoking. You do realize that the 2006-2007 Knicks actually had more wins at this point in the season right? Do you also realize that since this team got off to a 6-3 start with Jamal and Zach in the starting lineup, the team is a dreadful 19-32? It is on pace for exactly 34.16666666 wins this year. That is 1.6666666 more wins that it recorded in that playoff-less season. Oh yea, and this year’s team plays historically bad defense especially against the three. So all those pretty threes that Al “The Protégé” Harrington makes in the first 3 quarters hardly neutralizes the big time threes Ray Allen and Mo Williams make when it counts. We may have a deep and fairly talented team, but this team aint winning any big game down the stretch in the final 2 minutes bro. Oh and Charles Barkley effectively thwarted your D’antoni praising saying that his teams are very soft and aren’t even taught defense. To be fair to you though, I cannot say with 100% certainty that he wasn’t drunk at the time.

3) We still have no clue where this fucking guy is

Greg Oden

Seriously, has anyone seen this guy to confirm he’s alive? I know he had an injury in the first game of the season and had to get some shit drained from his knee over the all-star break but that was like 3 weeks ago. Remember when all of Boston jumped off the Tobin Bridge when it procured the 5th pick in the 2007 draft? Ahhh, those were wonderful times for Boston haters and Greg Oden. Now Boston added Douchebury to it already stacked lineup and Oden is watching his team play really well without him thanks to emerging superstar Brandon Roy and underrated big man Lamarcus Aldridge. Oh, and that guy that I said should have been picked first, (to White Boy Senior, not in print) is playing superstar ball albeit on a horrid team. But this brings me to a more important question, where is this guy?? Is he still hurt? Did he die of old age because, as his face conveys, he is in fact 94? Or did he sprain his ankle while running to the bank with the money he is stealing from the good people that own the Blazers? I guess time will tell.

4) Top players, not top plays- This has become a huge pet peeve of mine. Lebron
making a 17-foot fadeaway is not a more spectacular play than Wilson Chandler dunking over Paul Pierce with one hand. Kobe Bryant making a driving lay-up is not more awe-inspiring than Jared Jack doing a reverse lay-up while blowing past 3 defenders. What I am trying to say is, just because a play is made by a superstar does not mean that play is any more spectacular then that exact same play made by a role player. I admit I don’t have a photographic memory imprinted into my brain of a specific example of this but I have noticed that Sports Center is routinely making sure that the NBA’s biggest stars garner top play honors even when their plays are way less spectacular than an athletic but overall mediocre role player. Personally, I’d rather see a mediocre player doing something sick than a superstar make a fairly routine play. Now it is logical to reason that Lebron James is far more likely to make a play worthy of top play honors than is Wilson Chandler. However, Lebron doesn’t need to win this honor every night just so ESPN can promote tonight’s game against the Celtics… DAMMIT IT WORKED, FUCK YOU ESPN. UGHH!

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