Hockey, the game adored by Canadians as if it were a religion. The game on ice where men hit a rubber mass with a stick. A game where men dressed in full pads slam into each other and sometimes remove the gloves to fight. A game of speed and skill, of blood, sweat and tears. A game filled with douchebags.
That’s right, even hockey has it’s fair share of doucehbags as douchebaggery is everywhere, all the time. But there is always that one guy who is a bigger douchebag then the next, so we’ll take a look, team by team, of the biggest douchebag they have.
Atlantic Division
New Jersey Devils
Cam Jannsen- got rid of the puck ten seconds ago, still not too long for cam to skate across the ice and blindside you. This guy has no problem hitting late, from behind or just out and out cheap shotting you.
Honorable Mentions- Lou Lamoriello for the trap bullshit, Jay Pandolpho super scrub extraordinaire, John Madden since the league refuses to call any penalties on him, Colin “2 Handed Slash” White Special douche in training: David Clarkson
Team Douche Level: 7
New York Islanders
Chris Simon- He’s received the two longest suspensions in NHL history within a year’s time, two handed one guy in the face with a stick on stepping on another with his skate.
Honorable Mentions- Brendan Witt who tries to act tough but even admits he refuses to fight, Andy Sutton cause he sucks shit, owner Charles Wang for obvious reasons, Rick DouchePiedro
Team Douche Level: 7
New York Rangers
Ryan Holweg- You’re probably wondering why not Sean Avery, well, yes, Avery is a douchebag. But Avery hasn’t made a career of hitting people from behind. Avery is a prick that needs and ass kicking, Holweg is just a plain old douche.
Honorable Mentions- Sean Avery, Marik Malik since he’s the scapegoat, Colton Orr, Scott Gomez Mr. “I will never play for the Rangers”
Team Douche Level: 8
Philadelphia Flyers
The Whole Team- there is just way too much douchebaggery on the Flyers to give it to one single guy. Sure, players like Downie, Cote or Biron come up, but really it’s a team effort and they all deserve recognition.
Team Douche Level: 10
Pittsburgh Penguins
Jarkko Ruutu- he dives, he hooks, he yaps he hits when your head is turned. The ever hated Ruutu easily takes the title for the Pens.
Honorable Mentions- Gary Roberts for diving on goalies, Sidney Crosby just cause you hate him
Team Douche Level: 4
Northeast Division
Boston bruins
Zdeno Chara- he’s really not a douche but no one on the Bruins really is (quite the achievement being in the City of Massholes). But he’s big and you can’t retaliate much against him, so he gets it.
Honorable Mentions- Peter Chiarelli, cause I need an honorable mention and he sucks
Team Douche Level: 2
Buffalo Sabres
Andrew Peters- he goes around trying to pick fights, that’s douchey enough for me.
Honorable Mentions- Maxim Afinogenov, Tomas Vanek for stealing money
Team Douche Level: 4
Montreal Canadiens
Maxim Lapierre- he cheap shots giving guys a spear or jab when they aren’t looking then acts all innocent afterwards. Douche.
Honorable Mentions-mike Komisarek,
Team Douche Level: 5
Ottawa Senators
Chris Neil- while normally the tough guy of the team gets the nod, Neil beats out McGratton for the honor. After learning the martial arts in Asia Neil returned as a master of the Flying Elbow style of combat, always leaving his feet in order to take someone’s head from their neck.
Honorable Mentions- Brian McGratton, Ray Emery who idolizes Mike Tyson, Daniel Alfredsson whose last name in Swedish means “douchebag”, Christof Schubert- successfully running people since 2005, Mike Commodore, just look at this guy and tell me he’s not an uber douche http://www.cbc.ca/gfx/topstory/sports/commodore_mike041027.jpg
Team Douche Level: 9
Toronto Maple Leafs
Wade Belak- Toronto has always lead the pack in doucehbags, and at one time fielded an al DB team with the likes of Bryan Marchment and Tie Domi to lead the way, but have calmed down in recent years. The winner is Wade Belak who has no real talent to speak of, contributes nothing on a nightly basis yet has held a job there for seven years.
Honorable Mentions- Darcy Tucker, Hal Gill, Nik Antropov
Team Douche Level: 8
Southeast Division
Atlanta Thrashers
Ilya Kovulchuk- practically prances around on his skates like a fairy and makes douche gestures all the time, including the finger point which he loves the most, and that is an uber douche move.
Honorable Mentions- Bobby Holik
Team Douche Level: 4
Carolina Hurricanes
Erik Cole- Though he faced a good amount of competition (Mike Commodore was still on the team when I began writing this), Cole takes it. Why you say? After getting injured by turning his back to an open ice hitter as he was about to be hit, Cole threw a pity party for the next nine months about it, and even said after winning the Stanley Cup it would be better if he wasn’t hurt. He won the greatest treasure in hockey and still complained. Then, after complaining about getting hit from behind has developed an affinity for doing it himself making him a Grad A Hypocrite.
Honorable Mentions- Justin Williams for always giving a cheap shot then running away,
Team Douche Level: 8
Florida Panthers
Steve Montador- he cant do anything but hit late.
Honorable Mentions- yeah, I really got nothing. This was much easier when they had Peter Worrell.
Team Douche Level: 2
Tampa Bay Lightning
Vinny Lecavalier- I’m going for the outright biased pick because he always $@&%ing scores on the Pens. That’s pretty much it.
Honorable Mentions- Nick Tarnasky, Matheiu Darche: just cause it sounds douche
Team Douche Level: 3
Washington Capitals
Alexander Ovechkin- again, a biased pick because he’s always trying to outshine Crosby and hit Malkin. He finally succeeding in out performing Crosby, but only because Crosby didn’t play that game, and he went to hit Malkin who pulled a classic matador move and sent Ovechkin sailing into the boards with a miss. Stop being a douche Alex and accept you are Crosby’s lesser.
Honorable Mentions- Alexander Semin: prick (unintentional pun), Donald Brashear, John EerskineTeam Douche Level: 6
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3 comments:
Chara's a douche because he's 6'10 but never goes after anyone above 6'0. Does he really have to spend the whole game showing Brian Gionta how tough he is?
Oh, and if the Pens had 2 of Pandolfo, Madden, or White, you guys would've won your share of stanley cups recently. Or at least a playoff series. Just sayin.
Oh, and you should've had Mahatma write a whole section on why Darcy Tucker fits into this category...hahaha
Acutally Chara is 6'9. Know your hockey Devo! :P
And no, the Pens wouldnt have won cause their defense still cant keep the puck out of the net. You can have four lines of John Madden's but it's irrelevant when your fielding the likes of Ian Moran, Joseph Melichar and Rob Scuderi 20+ minutes a game. That puck is going in with those guys back there.
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