A Few Thoughts, Nay, Criticisms of the '09 Academy Awards

First things first. A few facts about the '08 year in movies.

-The Dark Knight was the greatest movie of the year.
-Of the movies being discussed for awards, The Wrestler was the best movie of the year.
-Slumdog was a movie I enjoyed at the time I saw it, only to have it ABSOLUTELY RUINED by the credits. Let's just say that I'd be equally comfortable watching 20 year old footage of Yitzhak Rabin and Yasir Arafat doing the tango as I was watching the Slumdog credits.
-Sean Penn was great in Milk. Not to be confused with Jamie Foxx who was great in Ray, and Joaquin Phoenix was great in Walk the Line. Point being, no Oscars should be given out for those who play retards, (unless you go full-retard) gay men, real people, or any combination of these. People take these roles simply to win an Oscar. More on Sean Penn later.

As for the actual show? Sucked. Every year I follow the same pattern with the Oscars; I swear that I'm not going to watch, end up watching the first half hour, turn it off for an hour, turn it back on at 10 because I think the good awards are coming, am bored senseless by 1045, and end up being grateful for the show's end by the time midnight actually comes. A few thoughts on the parts I saw

-Wait! You mean Hugh Jackman can sing AND dance? Why then, we MUST make him an Oscars host! Who cares if he can't tell jokes? It's not like Billy Crystal, Steve Martin, Jon Stewart, or Chris Rock were ever stand-up comedians before hosting, were they?

-And the intro sucked. I have a general rule about comedians-I'm not that funny and original, and I'm sure most of you will agree. So when someone makes the same joke I was making months ago, respect for their shtick is gone. I was making Hugh Jackman's joke about Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman, the only Australian actors I know starring in the movie Australia a few months ago. Noone was laughing at me then, and no one was laughing with Hugh last night.

-And Hugh Jackman's song and dance about the Oscar nominees was almost as edgy as High School Musical. To paraphrase Paul Mooney, "Hugh Jackman makes Billy Crystal look like Paul Mooney."

-Is it just me or was there an Oscar musical tribute to musicals? Any time the Oscars wants to stop blowing itself, it should feel free.

-And along those lines, fellating pieces like that make me long for the Chris Rock Oscars of yore. It's great to see someone offend Hollywood elite that, frankly, are pompous enough to deserve offensive commentary. Plus, the awkwardness was Office Season One-worthy.

-And speaking of mistakes the Oscars are sure to never repeat, nice to see Bill Maher make his triumphant return to ABC. And nice of Maher to ensure that ABC will never do it again by making fun of religion to an international audience. Do I agree with everything he said? More or less. Is it more "offensive" than when Jim Carrey talked out of his ass? To those who care, probably.

-I can't believe Benjamin Button was even nominated for best editing. If they won, it would've been the biggest joke since Titanic won the same award. Can we not praise the editing of a movie that was more than two hours long?

-So I don't want to trample on a dead man's grave, but do we really need multiple people speaking for Heath Ledger? Feel free to come up on stage, but please leave the Heath Ledger tribute to the one person who truly knew Heath. (Jake Gyllenhall, COME ONNNNN DOWN!)

-So Slumdog...where to start. First off, I love that a bunch of white men were winning awards for the most popular Indian movie ever made. Who said colonialism isn't alive and well?

-This guy was the police investigator from Slumdog. It's also Mahatma in 20 years. And that is a scientific fact.

-Btw, props to Mahatma, first the Steelers, then Slumdog. What a month! And if you don't think Mahatma's new name is Slumdog, well clearly you and I, dear reader, aren't as close as I thought we were. Speaking of which, have they stopped celebrating in Murray Hill yet?

-For best movie and actors, it was nauseating seeing all the previous winners. Once again, Hollywood, stop fellating yourself!

-And lastly, good of Sean Penn to take up the cause of gay rights. After all, for 6 weeks a year or two ago, he clearly knew how it felt to be discriminated against as a gay man, right?

Cue the Hey Devo, why don't YOU tell Sean Penn the pitfalls of being gay, you non-hetero jokes.