THE BIG FREAKING PACKAGE MOCK DRAFT

Who gives a shit about Basketball? Who cares if catchers are putting on their jockstraps and cups? Who cares about cars always turning left? The Devils always make the playoffs! The Olympics? Last event I recall watching was curling and that’s the wrong season! Fear not Football fans, as hard as the off-season is for some of us, any news or events get us psyched up and anticipating the next season. In my mind baseball doesn’t start until after April’s draft. So without further ado;

1. MIAMI DOLPHINS – CHRIS LONG (DE, VIRGINIA)
Parcells would love to trade out of this pick but I don’t see that happening. It’s quite interesting; free agency is thin at DE/OLB but strong in the draft. I can’t see Parcells taking Ryan after the team invested a 2nd round pick in QB John Beck last year. I hear Testeverde is coming back, again?

2. ST.LOUIS RAMS – KEN DORSEY (DT, LSU)
This really depends on his pro-day workout. All the injury speculations could lower him to the ladder of the top 10. Jake Long is a solid right tackle as he’s not very quick footed to play left tackle. Plus with Orlando Pace coming back and drafting RT Alex Barron in 05, their tackle positions are pretty much set. They need to address the middle of the defense.

3. ATLANTA FALCONS – MATT RYAN (QB, BOSTON COLLEGE)
They need a lot of everything. Honestly it would be wise for them to trade down out of this position. And teams eager to get Darren McFadden would be wise to trade up here (Dallas). But if there are no takers, Ryan’s the best choice. They could go after Derek Anderson but I see that highly unlikely now.

4. OAKLAND RAIDERS – DARREN MCFADDEN (RB, ARKANSAS)
Along with the Atlanta Falcons this is a team that no one really wants to play for. Al Davis needs to die real soon or let fresh minds take over. Jamarcus Russell and McFadden would be a nice duo for years to come. Sedrick Ellis is possible but not after they spent $50mill on Kelly. Clearly they aren’t looking for a DT in the draft.

5. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – JAKE LONG (OT, Boise State)
Herm Edwards should be thanking the football Gods that Jake Long falls to him at #5. He hasn’t drafted well in the past but this one is a no brainer that even I wouldn’t FUKK up. Biggest need this offseason is that offensive line and this man is a blessing (especially for all Larry Johnson fantasy owners out there).

6. NEW YORK JETS– VERNON GHOULSTON (DE, OHIO STATE)
We all saw how the pass rush of the Giants overwhelmed the Patriots O-Line. If the Jets want to challenge the Pats for the division (or at least double last year's win total) then they need to work on their pass rush real quick. Chris Long would be ideal but I don’t see him dropping out of the top 3. I’ll throw my roommates cat at the TV if I see them trade up and lose picks again like last year (not the new LCD of course, her TV). Jets need playmakers and Ghoulston is certainly that. The others will have to come in later rounds and free agency.

7. NEW MASSHOLE CHEATERS – AGIB TALIB (CB, Kansas)
The problem with picking corners is that they tend to rise and fall more than any other position prior to draft day in my opinion. Talib could be a 1st round pick this week but then when Mel Kiper takes him off his big board he’s a 2nd rounder at best. Asante Samuel is going to be asking for Nate Clements money and Satan “666” Kraft won’t give it to him so the chokers need to fill that spot with this pick.

8. BALTIMORE RAVENS – MIKE JENKINS (CB, South Florida)
Unless Brian Brohm has a terrific combine and starts sucking Mel Kiper off there’s no way he’s going top 10 much to the dismay of the Ravens. So with their secondary starting to age it’s time for Rex Ryan and company to bring in some youth. I rate Jenkins and Talib as the best corners in the draft but again that could change. Jenkins would be a safe pick for Baltimore.

9. CINNCINATTI BENGALS – SEDRIC ELLIS (DT, USC)
Marvin Lewis is obviously a better defensive coordinator than a head coach. Same goes for his old boss Brian Billick (seems to be a common trend coming from the Raven organization). If Lewis still wants his job then the Bengals better make the playoffs. Their defense was horrific last season (Cleveland scored 50+pts!). Sedrick Ellis is a great addition to one of the worst rush defenses in the league.

10. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – DOMINIQUE CROMARTIE (CB, TENN ST.)
I really don’t know what the Saints are going to do with this pick. My first guess would be linebacker but like I said before, very weak. I would figure defensive tackle but with Ellis and Dorsey off the board then anyone else would be a reach. Jason David is obviously no better than a nickelback and is a waste of cap space. New Orleans needs a #1 corner as bad as Mike McKenzie needs a haircut.