As we at SUS try to bring you the latest in not just sports but all walks of life, it’s time we take some time to go after the corporate world because frankly is there a better way to waste the company’s time? Well consider it even for only getting paid for 40 hours a week. Bitter much? yes. Yes i am.
Ok so most of you all work except of course you grad students but I’m sure you’ve all worked. (If you haven’t might I suggest I don’t know… maybe GET A JOB YOU WORTHLESS ASSHOLE.) Anyway, at any office you have a number of various characters that truly make the day interesting and or a pain in the ass. Some may even call it a jungle out there. Here is part 1 of a list of characters that I’ve encountered in my all too brief 3+ years of stoogery.
Kiss Ass
Shockingly, the kiss ass is still alive and well and likely kissing their way up the ladder in an office near you. You don't need to know the decision makers. All you need to do is know the people that influence the decision makers. Boom.. less work for you and more for someone else. While you can put your feet up and go to lunch for about hours more. To become one of these, you need to say cool business catchphrases like too much on my plate, connect, reconnect, EOD, i'll check in with you, I need you to be more, etc. The kiss ass also enjoys making long personal calls, frequent trips to the lavatories, frequent smoke breaks, aimless wondering and socializing.
Super Kiss Ass
Super Kiss Ass is the above except generally considered relatively attractive. As a result, the Super Kiss Ass’s ability is nearly doubled into an unstoppable freight train that you will be unable to say no to. Not to mention neither will the company hire ups. Eventually, these people get old and their looks wither away or they are found out to have no real ideas of substance or merit.
Dinosaur Kiss Ass
This subspecies of the Ass Kisser really has to walk that fine line of ass kicking because it’s all he/she has left. This is the guy/girl that’s in his late 50s but not rich enough to fully retire so he/she has to kiss ass in order to keep his job. Luckily at this age, the person knows all the tricks except how to send emails, print things and use a computer but really no one in the work setting knows how to use those.
Jock
Nope it’s not high school anymore but those mofuckin’ Jocks are still alive and well. Sure their numbers are decreasing but some of them haven’t bothered to check their emails or blackberries and realized that their schtick is old and whithered. The majority of them are in their early 20s or facing an identity crisis in their late 30s and 40s. The Jock is loud, obnoxious and will not take no for answer. He can be found around the water cooler so he can update you on his latest life occurrences whether you want to hear them or not. He also “goes to the gym” thinking people should be astonished by that. I mean really only 95% of America frequent gyms anyway.
The Hard Worker
The person that gets to work early and has to make everyone aware of that. Listen, congrats, you wake up early and stay late. Good for you! That's what happens when you are more a less a glorified meeting organizer. It's not my fault you have evolved past the fact there is more to life than a job. The hard worker also enjoys sending out messages via blackberry or pc during the day and at odd hours at night. You also love the cc. It's your best friend and partner. You like bringing him along when someone makes a mistake. But when you realize you are the fucker-upper, you hide it. You also love sending emails with the big red ! because frankly you must get noticed and other people must get the work done.
Hard worker also has a sibling called hard work0r. These are the people that cry about being overworked when really all they do is micromanage and sit on meetings. I'm sorry, but going to meetings isn’t work. You are not doing anything other than talking, so STFU and stop crying about your work. You get paid more so stop giving out your job responsibilities to people below you. Hard work0rs also tend to say job buzz words when in reality have zero idea what they are talking about. You just transfer words to your underlings without explaining shit. They also stay late but this is due to the fact that they don't do work during the day and they can't get away with not doing it tomorrow. Their explanations also tend to be full of shit in a circular and making-no-sense manner.
The Does Jack Shit-er
This person treats the office as one's own personal playground. They don't actually do any work until specifically asked to by someone for something. Otherwise, they are more than happy to have all their friends call in to work, or go out for a 2 hour lunch. If they are high enough on their corporate ladder, they dump the work on their assistants or associates. When this happens, they also tend to become highly motivated and stressed out but not to actually do the work. They also proofread things because really what more is out there for them to do.
The Hipster
The hipster is too hip and cool. They wear really cool ripped jeans and shades, wear a tshirt but jazz it up with a hip sports coat. Ya its really cool. They also gotta play music at their office and eat all these trendy expensive places. The hipster can be seen listening to a cool new british band and having really obscure art on their walls. The hipster is cool. You also say cool things like right on, totally, that’s sexy etc. Did i mention skateboards people, SKATEBOARDS!!!!!
The Burn Out
Burn out is one who either works really hard and finally loses it going insane or one who decided to take acid a little more than the USDA allotted before becoming clinically insane. Suffice to say they are a mess and on their own planet and scatter brained to all hell. Though sadly, these people are a trip during company parties and happy hours and that's why we love em. Cheers to you Burn out!
Office manager
The hey i'm a good guy but do actually nothing so they gave this job where I fix the printers and feed the fish. You just walk around and point at random things and make sure someone isn't looking at porn or anything. Oh and you clean out the company fridge. Congrats on a very important life. You make us all very proud.
Blogging Douchebag
There’s that one asshole in the office that has a blog with some friends and has to decide to update it during work. So instead of actually doing things necessary and vital to his many clients, he goes on and on and writes about the truly important things like say uh Guitar Hero. Sure some would say he neglects enough work via aim and various Steeler and Penguin message boards but alas he moves forward, undaunted. Until he realizes that it’s about 7:15 pm and he really needs to fix that TPS report.
Tune in next week as we meet the rest of those zany office characters.
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