Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Angry White Man: NBA Finals Edition
There are almost as many reasons to hate the Celtics and Lakers as there are to hate Terry McAuliffe and the Clinton Machine. The Celtics come from that town of lovable losers that only has 2 World Series and 3 Super Bowls over the first 7 years of this century. The Lakers have a Dina McGreevey-like sense of entitlement, an amazingly unlikeable superstar, and a center who looks like one of my cousins.
So it's easy to explain why both of these teams deserve to die. That's being done all over the blogosphere. Nah, instead, let's talk about why both of these cities, The City of Angels and Beantown deserve to die.
Why Angry White Man Hates Los Angeles
-Lost my IPod in a rental car while out there. Some worker at Hertz has probably become a diehard Clash and Pearl Jam fan. I don't care how spoiled this sounds-traveling cross country without a music player of any kind blows.
-Got lost driving everywhere.
-When I wasn't lost I was in traffic. Actually, I was also occasionally lost in traffic too. That was fun.
-Tried driving my car back to LAX, ended up on Crenshaw. This was actually kind of cool. I'll never get closer to being in a Dr. Dre video. Maybe.
-Nice public transportation for you, the 2nd most important city in the country. Subways almost exist. Driving around cities is awesome.
-Yeah, the Venice Beach boardwalk is decent. But I liked it better the first time I saw it, when it was called the Jersey Shore.
-You know what's worse than no Ashton Kutcher celebrity sighting? Actually hoping to have an Ashton Kutcher celebrity sighting. That night required a loooong cold shower.
-Snotty locals. If you give me the choice of snotty Los Angelenos vs Asshole New Yorkers, I'm taking the latter every time.
-Too intimidated to actually hit on any girls while out there. This could be a problem with me, but let's blame this on Los Angeles for right now.
-I was also in San Francisco and Vegas on the same trip. And as Lloyd Bentsen has undoubtedly said, I have seen SF and Vegas, and you, LA are neither.
Speaking of liberal Americans, let's now turn our attention to
Why Angry White Man hates Boston
(Full disclosure: All of us except for MissMet, SHMUCK, and ironically enough, Merloni went to college there.)
-Bars close at 2. For a town that prides itself on being one large drunken Irish stereotype, that's kinda early.
-Why have a subway system that closes 1.5 hours before the bars?
-Ever been stuck on the "T"? No? Well, my friend, you haven't truly had a proper Boston experience yet.
-Sully and Murph. The Boston accent is deified when you don't live there, but after 10 minutes in a bar, you're ready to punch these guys.
-I can't wear Yankee gear without getting into a fight. 1st amendment freedom of expression arguments don't tend to sway Sully and Murph. Go figure.
-College kids with an amazing sense of entitlement. I was one of the more grounded kids, but I'd still hate me if I ran into a 21 year old version of me at Our House.
-For a city dominated with people ages 18-25, not as many hotties as you'd expect. For the purposes of maintaining a happy staff, I can't vouch for New Hampshire girls.
-BC. Everything about them sucks. Especially their hockey team and any ex-girlfriends I may or may not have from there.
-BU Hockey. I like you guys slightly more than I hate you. Very slightly. Thanks for ending your winning seasons sometime around the '99-'00 season. Dare we say, the Curse of Dipietro?
-Patriots fans. And for that matter, anyone who needs me to explain why.
So there you have it. Are there any winners when Boston and LA get together? Not if one of them is going to leave with a championship. Death to you all, and we'll see you in 2010 when LBJ comes to Brooklyn and I start to care about the NBA again.
As a side note, watching the Yankee game with my dad as Joba's dad is being interviewed, this happened:
Dad: "I'd be at your first start at Yankee Stadium."
Me: "Nice of you to brave that GWB traffic and show up."
Stay tuned for my Oliver Stone-like look into the conspiracy that is the Yankees' handling of Joba Chamberlain.