Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Mahatma’s Game 5 Diary

I wanted to do these all series but alas my job decided to get involved and intervene in my blogging time. Rather than do a recap, I figured I’d do one of those diary thingys because they’ve done so much for Doogie Howser.

  • Look for hockey pregame coverage around 7:45. Can’t find anything. Opt to watch the end of the Groomsmen on Showtime. I like Eddie Burns and I like this movie. God why am I watching all these late 20/30 something movies about love, marriage, kids, etc.. argh.

  • Have cocktail #1. Does it bother me that I’m drinking alone in my apartment.

  • Get a call to go to a bar near my office. Would rather watch the game in my own private hell.

  • Attempt to persuade Yinzer Sr. to go to Shots place. Fails. Continental on Aster and 3rd. The dreaded 5 shots for 10 dollars. It seemed like a fitting end to the hockey season as it was for every Stiller lose. I should have asked BH. We could have thrown down with Raiden again.

  • Getting close to game time, I pray to lord Ganesh. Ganesh was die-hard Penguins back in the day.

  • Pens come out surprisingly well. Perhaps Michel “Bill Cowhard” Therrien gave one of those motivational speeches we’ve heard so much about.

  • When pressed for comment, no Penguins would answer how many times Therrien referred to them as Soff.

  • Get random text from high school kid I haven’t talked to in 5 years. Ah yes, it’s the playoffs. Screw reunions. The playoffs bring high school classes together since 1890.

  • Penguins kill a penalty. I’m onto cocktail #2.

  • Pens called for too many on the ice. Numerous Therrien = douchebag texts being sent out of my Curry Hill establishment.

  • Pens kill it off because apparently Pavel Datsyuk called Jordan Staal an 19 yr old drunk.

  • Penguins have a powerplay. It sucks shit. A common theme for this series. I kick my foot rest in frustration.

  • After some more Penguins dictating play, Pascal Dupuis hammers Brian “Rat Bastard” Rafalski who chokes up the puck. Dupuis to Crosby to Hossa. And It’s 1-0!!! A Giant Fuck You is echoed through-out Murray Hill including a patented middle finger salute to Osgood and a fist pump. Some would call me White Boy, I just think I’m passionate.

  • God dammit Hope. I felt it. Perhaps this was different than Saturday. Well on one hand, I was waiting for Scott Weiland to wake up from his drug induced coma but on the other hand this was entirely too similar to game 4 to me.

  • I knew the other shoe would have to drop. The action was absolutely intense. Back and forth. The way hockey should be played with little to no whistles.

  • 4th liner Adam Hall works the puck down low and makes a power move to the net. Osgood stops it but than Detroit’s Douchebag, Niklas Kronwall puts it in to his own net!
  • If this was South America, Kronwall would be in a river by now. Thankfully, he’s in uh Detroit? Get him a bodybag. YEA!!!

  • More crap ensues. Penguins can’t get that next goal. There was a post there somewhere. I cry.

  • Detroit begins to wake up.

  • Sydor misplays a puck and Darren Helm has a breakaway but realizing that Helm stole his purse, BU’s finest Ryan Whitney skates after him and distracts him enough with a diving poke check. If anyone played the NHL 2k series in videogames, that’s what we call hitting triangle.

  • Cocktail #3.

  • 2nd Period begins with the Pens taking it to the Wings. . Osgood stops Crosby on a semi-breakaway. I cry again

  • The momentum is changing.

  • Staal can’t clear a puck and it goes off Rob Suckderi and into the net. Detroit scores and I die a little inside.

  • Teams exchange PPs not pee pee because that would be disgusting.

  • Wings have a 2-1 where Fleury stones jerk off Samuelsson. Why this asshole didn’t do this when he was a Penguin makes me cringe. Atleast, we used the stiff to get Fleury.

  • The following turned about be a potential turning point as the Penguin’s leading blueliner Sergei Gonchar goes dome first into the boards and doesn’t return.

  • Minutes later, Ryan Taters Malone takes one in the grill piece.

  • I think at this point, I went online to bullshit. Cocktail #4. Period 3

  • I play Scrabulous on Facebook with Devo. Devo thinks we are the only two guys who play Scrabulous. I’m okay with that.

  • Begin the 3rd period, Fudgepacker Datsyuk goes to the net and scores. I throw my mouse somewhere. Sign off in a rage of glory. Apparently the goal only hit the post. So why the heck are they reviewing this.

  • Cocktail #5 but atleast my Sister comes home

  • Heart Attack #249434

  • Wings kick it up a notch and overwhelm the Pens.

  • I wonder if Sister is the bad luck charm.

  • Wings score on some Datsyuk redirect. His first goal of the SCF and I hang my head in shame. It's not quite Walk of Shame bad but still. I'm crestfallen.

  • Detroit keeps bringing it out. I almost tell Sister to go away and keep her negative juju away.

  • Bill Cowhard on Ice tries to slow things down with a time out but he’s a moron so it doesn’t work.

  • Rat Bastard scores. I stand in disbelief.

  • That’s all she wrote.

  • Detroit’s idiot fans are screaming We want the Cup.

  • I pray to Ganesh again.

  • Cocktail #6

  • I think they showed the Stanley Cup guy polishing the cup. On an aside, I wonder where I can apply to be the Stanley Cup waxer guy. Actually never mind, dude is massively creepy. You think he enjoys spending all this time with Cup. You'd think he could channel that into maybe finding a spouse?

  • Wings continue to dominate. This is going to be painful.

  • I debate turning this off but decide to stick with the boys.

  • The Flower gets pulled and Bill Cowhard puts in Max Talbot?!

  • I yell to Sister why Talbot is out there and continue to curse Cowhard.

  • Zetterberg has a chance to score but doesn’t. The agony is unbearable


  • The puck gets dumped in. Malkin and Talbot charge on Rat bastard. Rat Bastard coughs it up again! Pens get control. Somehow Max Talbot scores!!!!!

  • I yelp like a Dog that’s been kicked. HOLYSHIT!!!!

  • Everyone is stunned. The announcers, the crowd, everything.

  • Wings get a chance to score another go ahead but luckily don’t as we go to Overtime.

  • Cocktail #7

  • Wings come out as if the Penguins just stole their girlfriend and dominate.

  • Flower comes out large stomping Holmstrom on a backhand

  • Zetterberg smashes Fleury and rightfully gets called for interference. Douchebag.

  • Penguins impotent powerplay does nothing. No Gonchar meant Purse Boy would lead the charge.

  • Purse Boy ends up playing every 2 shifts. He will screw this up I know it.

  • I remain standing. Cocktail #7 sits there like a log. I attempt to remember where I stood where Talbot scored goal #3. I think I just stood there. Sister attempted to move her and spot before I said you can’t go anywhere and it would screw with the energy. The playoffs turn me into Joe Jackson.

  • Fleury keeps the agony going. Cocktail #7 is lonely.

  • We go to OT 2.

  • Phones and texts are sent.

  • They can’t win this can they? seemed to be the common message

  • I think the Pierre McGuire says Sykora just told everyone he will score. That’s funny because he hasn’t done shit in about 6 games.

  • Wings run Fleury again: PP Pens. Pens do nothing
  • Pens hit a post somewhere.

  • Than Babe Ruth gets called for holding? I can’t await to refer to Sykora as Hasselback in my blog post tomorrow, I ponder.

  • The Flower comes through again!!!

  • 3rd OT

  • Half drunk, I disband all notions of energy, karma and juju, and staying in one happy place and run to get a slice.

  • Cocktail #7 gets sipped on. All is right with the world.

  • I wonder if I should call in sick tomorrow. Than I remember I did that about 2 weeks ago. Son of a bitch!
  • How long is this going to go?

  • Sister asks if I should go to bed. I say curse word.

  • Wings again come out like assholes again. Somehow the Penguins and their 5 shitty defensemen keep them from scoring.

  • Back to standing. Can’t fuck with the energy

  • I see Sergei Gonchar back on the bench. The man looks like he just got smacked in the head with a brick.

  • Rob Suckderi gets sticked in the face and draws blood. I wonder if he channeled Vince McMahon to use the old tape a razor blade to your glove and bleed as they do in the WWE.

  • 4 minute power play!!

  • Gonchar comes off the bench. WTF. I get some text about Willis Reed or something. I have no idea what that means.

  • Babe Ruth steps on the ice. Perhaps Cowhard is sensing the future.

  • Evgeni Malkin has the puck behind the net and gets it to Sykora.

  • A massive YEAAAAAAAAAA is heard as I run out to the Balcony. Ready to yell out a Drama-esque Victory, I stopped myself and hopped around like an asshole instead.


White Boy South Bronx said...

Willis Reed reference is that in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA finals, Willis Reed was badly hurt but shocked a capacity MSG crowd by hobbling onto the court just before game time. He stayed in to make 2 jump-shots and never came back in game. Legend has it that his entry into the game inspired his club to pull out game 7 vs the hated Lakers.

devo said...

Yeah, the Willis Reed reference shouldn't have to be explained if we want to maintain any semblance of NY credibility.

Anonymous said...

They lost. You are SUCH a dork.