Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Day the Boston haters died: A diary of the monstrosity that was the Game 4 performance of Kobe Bryant and the Lakers

8:55pm: I am already becoming angry white boy as I see some kind of biblical passage flash on the big screen before the Lakers starters are introduced. I am as die-hard a sports fan as anyone on this blog or anywhere else; but it is more than a little absurd that words like courageous, brave and heroes are used when discussing athletes other than Jackie Robinson, Roberto Clemente and Ted Williams. Making a jump shot over two defenders is not an example of courage or bravery, just a great athletic play. Oy

9:00: NBA blatantly rips off Knicks jumbo-tron highlight clip-show where they show Patrick and Starks and LJ"s 4 point play and instead insert great clips of NBA finals past. Worst of all, they belittle the very franchise they ripped this off from by showing Tim Duncan destroy the aforementioned LJ in the paint during gone of the middle 3 games of the 1999 NBA Finals. Sadly, this makes me happy the same way Reggie's last game at the Garden made me happy, it reminds(ed) me that the Knicks were once relevant in the NBA.

9:08: Mark Jackson is clearly trying desperately to get a coaching job as he takes any chance he can get to critique/praise any minute coaching decision such as calling the first play of the game for a struggling Lamar Odom so as to "Un-confuse" his big man. Although Jackson might be right, I will view any comment he makes about a coach as an attempt to impress onlooking NBA GM's.

9:09: Pierce with early air-ball. Good to see. "Us" die-hard Lakers fans need him to suck. And thats promptly followed by a Ray Allen shot that barely grazes the backboard. Great signs a whopping 103 seconds into the game.

9:12: Why are Laker fans chanting MVP when Bryant already has won the award? Ugh I hate rooting for the same team as these Hollywood frauds. Boston hate will make you do some strange things.

9:15: Apparentley I should have been less skeptical of Jackson's comments. Odom move paying ealry dividends as he has 6 points on 3-3 shooting. Why is Jesus guarding Kobe?(no not that jesus, though I'm not sure he could guard Kobe either). Make that 4-4 16-6 with 8 minutes to go in first time out Boston !! MY LAKERS!!!!! (!!!= the sound of Whiteboy Clapping)

9:22: White boy Senior enters. 20-6 this is awesome! 24-7!!!!!!!!! this is crazy. Sr. says, "this is just like watching a hockey game, Randmanovich, Vujacic" .

9:30: Phil Jackson is greatest coach ever. He motivates his players better than any coach I have seen. Odom is now 6-6. 26-7.

9:35: The ex-Knick Trevor Ariza comes in and makes 1 of 2 but some white guy makes a 3 and its now 35-14 at the end of one. Jeff Van Gundy makes a great poing that "Doc Rivers can't be happy" Thanks Jeff. As a sidebar, how many more NBA Finals do I need to see ex knicks in. Mohammed, Mcdyess, now Ariza, I'm not saying we are cursed but if Steve Francis is in the finals next year I'm , as Devo would say "Calling Bullshit."

9:41: Former Knick killer Sam Cassell enters, is he the Celts human white flag? 37-14 this game might be over.

9:45: Ariza is putting on a hustle clinic, good thing we gave him up for the aforementioned Steve Francis a bastion of hard work and intensity.

9:52: Jeff Van Gundy asks "if anyone is funnier than Kevin James I wnat names". Sr. and I instantly come up with Larry David, Chris Rock, Rodney Dangerfield, Jerry Seinfeld and Robin Williams. Oh its now 45-21 about which is about the time you start talking more about the announcers than the game itself.

9:58: Okay this is an unreal statistic. The Lakers despite being up 45-21 have only gotten 3 points and a startling 0 fg from Bryant. He does have 6 assists but still.

10:00: I beat Mark Jackson to the point that Phil Jackson called a great timeout here after the C's go on moderate 5-0 run. Nobody calls smarter and more perfectly placed time outs than Phil.
10:04: now its down to 45-33 if Celtics cut this to 10 or less by halftime thats an awful sign for the Lakers.

10:08: whfew back up to 17 50-33. Emphatic dunk by Gasol.

10:14: 54-39 with free throw coming after gasol makes a layup and is fouled. 9.1 seconds to go if they keep it at 16 thats big. Never-mind a foul very far from the ball though Rondo misses ft. JORDAN FARMAR!! big running 3 point jumper in lane 58-40!! great ending to half. Okay yanks till 2nd half. I'll spare you my random outbursts about Yanks bad situational hitting for another post. See you in 20 minutes.

10:42- quick 8-2 run for Boston to start half this could be an interesting quarter. Sr. fears that this game is now "in the danger zone" oh yea he bet on the Lakers.

10:43- But a quick 6-0 LA run scratches that idea. Kobe has his first 2 fgs of the game here in 2nd half. Hopefully that augers well for LA (if you don't know what auger means I'm sorry I'm a doctorate student and I don't apologize for using it)

10:46: Timeout Boston!! 68-48 LA. "I love LAaaa, I loveee it". I hate myself.

10:54: 7-0 run for Boston 70-57 with 435 t0 go in 3rd. Lets see if this is another generic run by an NBA team or if C's can pull within single digits.

10:56: 256 remaining in 3rd and now the lead is down to 11 72-61 LA this game is now very much in play. Oy vey.

11:03: Pierce just made an amazing "rip through" move, thanks jeff for that term, and 1. with this free throw its now a single digit game 73-64 LA.

11:05: We have an amber alert on the Lakers its now only a 6 point lead 73-67 with under 1 minute to go in 3rd.

11:07: I sit with my mouth wide open its now a 73-71 LA lead. An amazing comeback. This would be one of the all time single game choke jobs in a Finals game if this holds up.

11:14: The fix is in! Pierce breathes on Kobe and is called for offensive foul. sweet. Too bad Lakers can't score or get a defensive board.

11:16: Tie Game truly sickening.

11:17: If Sr. says that Pierce is better than Kobe one more time I"m going to.... well nothing cause he is my dad but its pissing me off.

11:25: whfew back up to 4 Kobe is finally asserting himself. For those of you scoring at home and who doesn't score basketball games? That is now 5-17 for the league MVP and a guy I basically called G-d in my finals preview article (G-d= Jevoah, Adonai, His/Her holyness) under 6 minute tv timeout.

11:29: Pau Gasol! a leaner in the lane Lake show back up 3.

11:31: Celtics have lead 84-83 and now have ball back on a turnover. Kobe is choking his team is choking. This is a horror show.

11:35: This is one of the most shocking sporting events I have ever watched. The Lakers are up 5 now with barely 2 minutes to go. Mad props to the C's they deserve this title.

11:40: Pierce shooting two up 3 with 1:44 to go. This game appears done. But as i say that pierce misses ft and makes second. 4 point lead . Kobe makes layup 2 point game.

11:43: In good news Matsui hit a grand slam in Oakland and its 4-1 Yanks. But I don't even care too much right now because I hate the Celtics too much. 3 point lead 46.8 to go Kobe is all over Pierce but is overaggressive and keeps fouling him very far from the basket. Kobe really looks lost out there. I'm as shocked to be seeing is it as I am to be typing it. Pierce Makes both 94-89 Boston.

11:46: game is over Allen takes it down to final seconds of shot clock and makes layup 5 point lead 16.5 to go. I congratulate the 5 real die-hard Celtics fans that went to games last year. The rest of you can go watch my Giants DVD. I live at..... Okay I won't give my address but you can email me and I'll give you my address there. I'll give you some popcorn and giants towels to cry into. 18-1 forever.

11:52: Oh yea, I'm the asshole, I thought this would be Kobe's coming out party. Instead it is a showcase for the greatness of Paul Pierce. I thought that the Celtics would need Pierce to outplay Kobe to have any chance in this series and he has. But he has outplayed him so much more than I ever thought possible that I am left flabbergasted. But don't worry critics, I WAS WRONG, I PREDICTED THIS SERIES WRONG. Hope that appeases whomever is reading this article.


solo said...

as someone who also predicted the lakers in 6 and hates boston, let me remind you-- this series isn't over yet! oh wait, you're right, it is. f#@kin' boston motherf#@kers. i wonder how many cars with cali license plates have been keyed or defaced in any other manner in the last two hours in boston. as you know, it's not a celebration in beantown unless you incur monetary loss and/or property damage upon innocent people that hail from the town/state of the team you're playing against

devo said...

I really hope Boston wins this in 5. Not 6. Not 7. Those would be disasters. I like this Boston team, but the last thing I need in my life is to see Sully and Murph have another reason to celebrate.

White Boy South Bronx said...

Yea I thought about that too devo and solo but I still just can't root for any boston team for any reason, unless Pats play Cowboys or Eagles. At least Wang is out for 2 months though. Go D-Rays