FANTASY BREAKDOWN

Summer is here and there is absolutely nothing to watch on TV for the next 2 months (unless your whiteboy and worship the YES network even on Yankee off days)!! Yea sure, the Olympics are on this summer but does anyone else besides me feel pedophilic when watching the women’s gymnastics (talk about tight!)? Even HBO (for those who have it…seriously why don’t you?) is lacking with their summer criteria (Entourage, Big Love, Curb Your Enthusiasm coming later in the fall). So Folks, it’s almost here, the next NFL season approaches (finally I’ll have something to contribute to SUS)! So if you’re a fantasy football junkie like myself, these are my rankings and projections for the following 08 season, and if you’re a basketball fan feel free to open another browser and start jerking off or simply kill yourself.

1. TOM BRADY – 18-1 WAAAAAAA!! Still, can’t argue the fact he had the best season by a QB ever last year (at least since the NFL bought pen and paper and started recording statistics). Plus with the same o-line protecting him there’s no doubt in my mind he can’t put up similar numbers again


2. PEYTON MANNING – He’s the face of the NFL, and an ugly one at that. It sounds like Marvin Harrisons’ career is done and what a shame that is. Still without him, Manning had his typical pro-bowl season and he should still be a top 3 QB in every league.


3. TONY HOMO – “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Well, I still hate him as a player but I got to respect his game and his taste for blondes. I’d rather have Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood than Giselle Bunchface and Bridge Moynapreggers (Brady’s bitches).


4. BEN ROETHLISBERGER – Ask and you shall receive. He wanted bigger targets at WR and he got one when they drafted Limas Sweed. I’m actually considering making him one of my keepers. Mendenhall and Parker is a great duo in the backfield, watch for more play-action passes.



5. DREW BREES – With Deuce back to help the running game (Fuck Reggie Bush) Drew won’t need to throw as many balls and can return back to his 06 form.


Those top 5 are no brainers; here is a list of your “Safeties” and “Doorknobs.” Safeties being solid options (and chances) but Doorknobs….well if I need to explain that then step into my office, because you’re fucking fired!

SAFETIES

MATT HASSELBACK – A solid fantasy player for the past 6 seasons. He lost a big target in DJ Hackett but he plays behind a solid o-line that gives him plenty of time to make plays.
PHILIP RIVERS – He’s a real cocky bastard but on some level you have to respect him, especially when he delivers. It’s still the LT show but he’s a guarantee for at least 20+ TDs and 3500+yds.
DONOVAN MCNABB – With a healthy Brian Westbrook there is a solid fantasy QB in McNabb. Desean Jackson wasn’t the answer they needed at WR but he’s not going to hurt them in anyway. Don’t wait on him too long because he could go early and if he does, make sure you draft a suitable backup because he’s sure to go down with an injury.
DAVID GARRARD – Jaguars are a run first team but this offseason they stacked up on receivers. Now can any of them get open?

DOORKNOBS

CARSON PALMER – Be careful with Palmer because if Chad Johnson does get traded this will certainly hurt his stock. Bengals are a mess right now and I’d be careful who you draft from this team. Houshmanzadeh is only as good as when Chad is getting double teamed.
DEREK ANDERSON – Was last season a fluke? I’m going to lean towards no. But if he struggles early on, Romeo won’t hesitate to start the Quinn show and I think that’s almost a certainty it will happen this season.
MARC BULGER – Can this man ever stay healthy!! I rode his train when he came in for the injured Kurt Warner years back and it’s time for my fat ass to get off. Hopefully you'll draft better than I.
JAMARCUS RUSSELL – Javon Walker won’t save the raiders but keep an eye on Russell’s progress, he could be a suitable bye week plug-in.
ELI MANNING – I wasn’t sure where to place him so I’m going to lean towards here (easy Devo and Whiteboy). He was stellar from the last couple of weeks of last season to the superbowl. He’s definitely a #1 QB but for your fantasy team? I don’t see it. Be careful if you draft him
ANY JETS QB – Any team who hasn’t decided on their starter you just simply don’t draft.

ANY BEARS QB – Because they’re DA BEARS

BRODIE CROYLE – I hope he does a little better than last season just because I want to see more pictures of his wife (PLAYBOY BABY…..DO IT!!)



RUNNING BACKS COMING SOON!!